Chapter 4 – Do You Know Who I Am?

It took Li Tang a moment to find his voice again.

“No,” he said, not wanting others to see him as an immature child. He denied it, “My home is very close to the school, my mother is waiting for me at home.”

So I don’t need to dream about it.

But the lingering memory and the accompanying anxiety and fear were still fresh. Li Tang took a deep breath, vaguely realizing that his response was less for others and more for himself.

Jiang Lou tugged at the corner of his mouth, as if hearing a joke, but he didn’t seem to believe it.

Returning to his seat, he picked up his bag and instead of exiting through the back door, he headed straight for the podium.

As he passed by Li Tang, he casually threw out, “Then go home early.”

On the night without evening self-study, Li Tang played single-player video games in the living room, occasionally glancing upstairs to see if Zhang Zhaoyue had come down.

During this time, the housekeeper brought him some fruit and chatted with him for a bit.

“When I went out to buy groceries, I heard that there are often delinquents loitering around Xucheng No. 1 High School. You should be careful when you go to school.”

This new housekeeper was arranged by Li Tang’s father, Li Yuanshan, and presumably, Li Yuanshan had given some instructions. Li Tang often felt that the housekeeper cared for him excessively.

He responded casually and then heard the housekeeper ask, “Seeing that you didn’t eat much for breakfast, is it not to your taste? Should we adjust the menu?”

Li Tang was about to say that he liked bread and milk, but suddenly remembered that Zhang Zhaoyue preferred traditional Chinese breakfast. He swallowed his words, changing his answer, “No need, I don’t eat much anyway.”

After some thought, he added, “On Saturdays and Sundays, if my mom wakes up, give me a call.”

In Li Tang’s view, clinging to his mother was instinctual, not a case of homesickness.

On the first day off after school started, to solidify his image as someone who fit in, Li Tang accepted Zhou Dongze’s invitation to visit his family’s shop.

It was a café, and in a small city that couldn’t match the capital’s prosperity and fashion, similar shops were a dime a dozen in the capital, with one guaranteed every fifty meters on the street. However, situated in this old urban area, the overly artistic sign stuck out between fruit, cooked food, and hardware stores, seeming out of place.

Having been open for just a month, the store had a decent amount of foot traffic. Besides Li Tang and Li Zichu, Zhou Dongze invited several other classmates, including Huo Xichen, who had recently been playing a lot with Jiang Lou.

Huo Xichen, however, wore an annoyed expression, urging Zhou Dongze to serve coffee as soon as he sat down, saying he would leave after drinking it.

Zhou Dongze teased, “Where are you going? Not chasing after that girl from the neighboring class again, are you?”

Huo Xichen snorted. “Su Qinhan is pursuing Jiang Lou, I won’t compete with my buddy for a girl.”

Hearing the familiar name, Li Tang perked up his ears.

“Then why are you in such a hurry?” Zhou Dongze laughed. “Anyway, you don’t want to go home, so you might as well stay here and play a bit more.”

Regarding Huo Xichen’s complicated family situation, everyone had heard something about it.

Though, there were still many things they didn’t know.

Huo Xichen glared fiercely at the person sitting next to Li Tang, drained the lemon water on the table in one gulp, and, taking advantage of everyone’s idle chatter, muttered quietly, “I might as well go home.”

Li Tang felt the same way.

But since he had already come, it would be impolite to leave before even warming his seat.

So he sat there scrolling through his phone, occasionally checking the time, guessing when his mother would wake up.

In the latter part of the gathering, a few students from the neighboring class joined them.

Among them was Su Qinhan.

Everyone egged each other on for fun, and although Huo Xichen had just claimed he wouldn’t compete with his friend, now that he saw the girl he liked, his face flushed red, and the tall guy awkwardly turned his back, sipping his coffee in small, genteel sips.

Suddenly hearing laughter from his side, Li Tang, who was explaining an English problem to Zhou Dongze, turned his head. Li Zichu pursed his lips as if to hide a smile. “Sorry, I couldn’t hold back for a moment.”

Just as Li Tang was about to ask what was so funny, Su Qinhan asked Huo Xichen in front of everyone, “Why isn’t Jiang Lou here?”

Huo Xichen showed a heartbroken expression, his face drooping as he said, “We invited him, but he said he was busy.”

“What is he busy with?”

“How would I know?”

A boy from the neighboring class interjected, “Maybe he went to work, isn’t he living alone since both his parents passed away?”

Another person chimed in, “But he gets scholarships every year, why would he need to work?”

The word “scholarship” was distant and unfamiliar to Li Tang.

However, understanding it wasn’t difficult. In the context of secondary education, the term “scholarship” mostly referred to an educational subsidy provided by the education bureau or government to outstanding students facing financial difficulties.

Outstanding academic performance and financial hardship—these were two prerequisites that Li Tang did not meet, thus he was naturally ineligible for scholarships.

Like most people, his initial reaction to hearing about this was that Jiang Lou was very talented, a universally acknowledged kind of excellence. Then came a realization, understanding the structure of his family.

Both parents deceased, meaning he lived alone.

Then, yesterday evening in the classroom, when mentioning “mom” and “going home,” what kind of feelings did he harbor?

When the gathering ended, it started drizzling outside.

Getting a taxi in this area was inconvenient, so Li Tang called the driver and waited under the eaves outside the store.

After a while, the café’s door opened, the welcome bell ringing “ding dong,” and a person stopped beside him.

Su Qinhan held a slim cigarette between her fingertips, taking a shallow puff. “You’re Jiang Lou’s deskmate?”

When she spoke to Li Tang, she was in a completely different state than when she spoke to Jiang Lou. Now, even though she remained arrogant and haughty, she was at least relaxed and natural. This was probably the difference between indifference and affection.

Li Tang nodded.

He expected the girl to entrust him to watch over Jiang Lou, like in romance dramas, or to use his proximity to gather information for her. Instead, Su Qinhan pulled out her phone from her bag, showing him a QR code. “Let’s exchange WeChats.”

Every time Li Tang added a new friend, the first thing he did was check their Moments.

Perhaps to maintain an appearance for her father, who was the principal, Su Qinhan’s Moments were surprisingly clean.

No smoking, no alcohol, no rebellion. What she posted were mostly daily snippets—today she did nails with her girlfriends, longing to watch a midnight movie, and so on.

Only one post stood out, featuring a book, Shakespeare’s poetry collection, with the caption: Since you like poets, I’ll become a poet for you.

However, Jiang Lou didn’t usually read poetry, and likely didn’t enjoy smoking either.

On Monday morning, Li Tang took advantage of Jiang Lou sleeping on the table to lean in and sniff. There was no smell of cigarettes.

For a moment, Li Tang had the impulse to send a WeChat message to Su Qinhan, suggesting she check the accuracy of her intel before pursuing someone, to avoid wasted efforts.

Of course, he didn’t end up sending it. Matters of the heart were most taboo to outsiders, and Li Tang didn’t want Jiang Lou to think he was meddling.

The second year of high school had just begun, and the coursework wasn’t yet intense. Rumor had it that they would switch to a single day off per week starting next week.

In the afternoon, the English class was followed by a class meeting. Teacher Liu was running late due to a meeting, and the English teacher had no intention of lecturing. She allowed the newly appointed English class representative to play music for everyone.

Li Tang’s English scores were quite good, largely due to his love for American and British TV series, and the songs he usually listened to were in English.

Tasked with the job, he walked up to the podium and logged into his music platform account using the class computer.

He was oddly nervous. At this age, no teenager was immune to concerns about saving face, and Li Tang worried that his playlist lacked sophistication and would be laughed at by his classmates.

Fortunately, the feared scenario didn’t occur. Everyone was either doing homework or dozing off, and it wasn’t until the music started playing that they gradually lifted their heads.

The substitute English teacher couldn’t stand seeing their lackluster spirits and yelled, “Look at all of you, listless and lifeless. Where is the vigor of youth? Come on, everyone, sing along with me!”

The songs in this playlist were relatively obscure, with almost no familiar tunes. The first song had a lively melody, and the lyrics were somewhat inspiring, singing about not wanting to waste days pondering. The English teacher, in high spirits, even interjected to teach a set phrase as an extracurricular supplement.

The second song was from a movie soundtrack, the singing was muffled, and it wasn’t until today, with the lyrics displayed on the screen and the whole class singing along, that Li Tang learned the exact lyrics.

your hearing damage

Your mind is restless,

They say you’re getting better,

But you don’t feel any better.

…

As they sang, someone started it, and one by one, gazes fell on the last row of Group Four. Those who had heard rumors about Jiang Lou’s deafness, those who had heard something about it, didn’t usually probe too much. Now, a single song instantly sparked the curiosity buried in their hearts.

Some whispered, saying the lyrics were too fitting, giving them goosebumps.

Others asked how this song was played, was it intentional?

Even Li Tang himself felt that playing this song in front of Jiang Lou was like deliberately making him uncomfortable.

But who knew that he had added this song to his playlist through song recognition, and before today, he had never bothered to read the lyrics properly.

Li Tang had already returned to his seat and looked to the left. Jiang Lou’s right hand supported his cheek, his face turned toward the window. From Li Tang’s angle, he could only see the sharp lines of his profile and his right ear.

The healthy right ear.

Jiang Lou seemed exceptionally tired today, dozing off even during class besides the breaks.

As if sensing something, Jiang Lou turned his head, yawning as he casually scanned the entire classroom. The students fell silent, no longer looking in this direction.

Li Tang hurriedly seized the opportunity to explain, “I didn’t mean to.”

Jiang Lou glanced at him upon hearing this, then looked up at the screen.

Your ears are wrecking,

Your hearing damage,

You wish you felt better,

You wish you felt better.

…

Li Tang felt his breath catch.

There was a sense of being unable to defend himself, and he stuttered, “It’s from the playlist, I didn’t know… I really didn’t mean to.”

Just as he thought Jiang Lou was angry with the cold expression on his face, Jiang Lou suddenly curved his lips into a smile.

“What playlist? I’ll add it to my collection too.”

Until late at night, Li Tang checked his phone and didn’t see any new notifications for playlists being added.

Clearly, he had written the name of the playlist on a piece of paper and given it to Jiang Lou.

Everything returned to normal the next day. Students still came over to play during breaks, and Jiang Lou gave up his desk and chair, leaning against the window himself, occasionally interjecting a few words. As always, he smiled, always popular.

Popular enough to make Li Tang envious.

That evening’s self-study session was taken by Teacher Liu to review test papers, ending a few minutes late. Coincidentally, Li Tang’s father’s flight arrived at this time, and the driver went to the airport to pick him up. Li Tang originally planned to take a taxi back and wait at the school gate, but after waiting for a long time, he couldn’t hail an empty taxi. He had no choice but to walk back along the road.

As he walked, he sent a WeChat message to Cao Yang, complaining that this godforsaken place had no nightlife after nine o’clock, with not a soul on the streets.

Cao Yang was playing something and didn’t respond for a long time. Depressed, Li Tang put his phone back in his pocket. Looking up, he saw several people standing at the intersection ahead.

They were young men in their twenties, dressed flamboyantly, standing with a nonchalant posture, cigarettes in their hands. When they looked at Li Tang, their eyes gleamed like hungry wolves spotting prey.

Being the last to leave the classroom, Jiang Lou locked the door and placed his backpack over his shoulder, walking out at a leisurely pace.

He didn’t need to go to the boxing gym today. After fighting two matches the other night, he was bruised and swollen, and Old Zhang wouldn’t let him fight again no matter what.

Reaching the school gate, he noticed a cluster of figures on the other side of the road, with flickering sparks of light. Jiang Lou assumed it was the vocational school students coming to this area for treats again. Approaching closer, he saw that they were surrounding someone.

A height of a little over 1.7 meters, a slender neck, and large eyes. Perhaps frightened, he curled his shoulders and pressed his back against the wall, his already pale skin even whiter, looking a bit pitiful and ridiculous.

It was his deskmate, Li Tang.

Since they were off campus, there was no need to maintain friendliness. Jiang Lou withdrew his gaze, stuffed his hands into his pockets, lowered his eyes, and quickened his pace to pass by.

After walking a few steps, he heard Li Tang’s trembling voice behind him: “Just, just these, this watch isn’t worth much, really…”

He always used “really” to emphasize that he wasn’t lying.

Unfortunately, it had zero persuasiveness. The gangsters didn’t believe him, and the sounds of tussling and Li Tang’s cries of pain came over.

Jiang Lou furrowed his brows almost imperceptibly.

It seemed there was no sense of revenge.

At this moment, Li Tang regretted everything.

He regretted wearing this watch out today. Although it wasn’t expensive, it was a gift from Zhang Zhaoyue. He also regretted not taking the housekeeper’s warning seriously and waiting a bit longer at the school gate.

The gangsters blocking him had apparently been watching him for a long time. Just now, they asked him why there wasn’t a Mercedes-Benz picking him up after school today.

His resistance was laughable. Despite putting up a desperate struggle, he couldn’t overcome the leader’s grip on his arm. Just as his watch was about to be removed from his wrist, footsteps approached from a distance and stopped less than two meters away.

The gangsters turned at the sound, and the leader impatiently said, “Scram, don’t meddle in other people’s affairs. Believe it or not, my buddies and I will—”

Before he could finish, Jiang Lou’s fist slammed into his face.

Born in the safest district of the capital and educated in private schools since childhood, Li Tang witnessed a fight for the first time.

To be precise, it was beating and getting beaten. Jiang Lou’s moves didn’t seem particularly superior, perhaps winning due to his quick reflexes and sufficient strength. The sound of fists striking flesh was solid, causing Li Tang’s heart to tremble.

With just a few punches, the thug was knocked to the ground. The others were all show, easily intimidated by the sight of their leader being subdued so effortlessly. Before Jiang Lou could turn around, they retreated far away.

The thug’s leader pushed himself up from the ground, spitting out a mouthful of blood. “You son of a b—”

He took two steps forward but was kicked in the abdomen by Jiang Lou’s flying kick, landing back on the ground with a clang.

This time, he couldn’t get up.

When the gangsters limped away supporting each other, Li Tang finally came to his senses. He put the watch that had been pulled off into his pocket and hurried after.

Jiang Lou walked very fast, not saying a word from start to finish. Li Tang even guessed that he hadn’t clearly seen whom he had saved.

“How are you?” Li Tang recalled what he saw under the streetlight just now and asked anxiously, “I saw a wound on your arm, didn’t they touch you?”

Without waiting for a response, Jiang Lou suddenly stopped. Li Tang, carried by inertia, rushed several meters forward.

Bringing his car to a halt, Li Tang turned around in embarrassment. Coming into view under the nearby lamppost was Jiang Lou standing alone. The cool autumn breeze blew gently, the clothes sticking to his body, making him appear tall and slender yet thin. It also blew his bangs, revealing both of his eyes.

His eye sockets were slightly sunken, making his eyes appear deep. The pupils were clearly defined black and white, and even without any emotion, they could easily remind one of the calm sea before a tide or a mirror that would shatter at a touch.

“Testing me?”

“…What?”

“Don’t pretend.” Jiang Lou said, “You know who I am.”

At this moment, Li Tang’s attention was drawn elsewhere, his thoughts spiraling into a vortex, drifting away.

He thought that there always seemed to be conflicting traits gathered in the person in front of him, such as the concealed danger and the fragility on the brink of shattering.

Reminding him of the last two lines of that “minefield” lyric.

You wish you felt better,

You wish you felt better.

And he remembered what the class president had said, that no one would dislike him.

Even with his flaws and imperfections, like tonight’s crescent moon.

Suddenly, Li Tang felt that the lyrics should be like this—

I wish you feel better,

I wish you feel better.

No one would dislike him.

No one wouldn’t hope he feels better.