Chapter 40 – I Lost

The next day at noon, Jiang Lou retrieved his voice recorder from Wang Yan.

Wang Yan seemed reluctant. “What audio is it? Are you planning to confess your love to someone through the broadcasting station?”

Jiang Lou said no, but Wang Yan remained curious. “Then what is it? The file is even encrypted…”

Jiang Lou didn’t answer. Instead, he asked, “Have you let anyone else see it?”

Wang Yan replied, “Of course not, there are no more than five people who can enter and exit the broadcasting room.”

Tucking the voice recorder into his pocket, Jiang Lou turned to leave. Wang Yan caught up with him. “But we agreed that if I helped you broadcast it, you would go on a date with me…”

Jiang Lou shot her a cold glance, causing Wang Yan to shudder inexplicably.

Although she did have feelings for Jiang Lou, Wang Yan knew she wasn’t completely dependent on him. She had just boasted to her girlfriends that she could get Jiang Lou to fall for her within this month. A handsome boy with good grades and no romantic rumors, if she could become his first love, even if it was just for one date, it would be enough to brag about for a long time.

But after interacting with him these days, Wang Yan realized that Jiang Lou wasn’t the friendly and approachable person everyone thought he was. Even though he always wore a smile, it didn’t take long to sense an invisible distance.

His world seemed never open to the outside, nor did he allow others to peek into it.

“The audio isn’t something I’m not having you broadcast anymore,” Jiang Lou said calmly. “What else do we have to exchange?”

“…” Wang Yan was at a loss for words. “But…”

Before she could figure out how to continue, Jiang Lou had already walked away in large strides.

With twenty minutes left before the end of the evening self-study session, Li Tang began to fidget anxiously.

Unfortunately, today the math teacher lectured on the exam papers and kept them ten minutes longer than usual. By the time they exited the classroom, all the students from other classes had already left.

Dashing to the school’s south gate, Li Tang spotted Jiang Lou’s tall and thin figure from afar. He paused, supported himself on his knees to catch his breath, and then slowed down when he resumed walking.

On the bus, Li Tang boldly mimicked Jiang Lou’s face, confirming that his complexion was much better than yesterday, which put him slightly at ease.

He then fished out a bottle of iron supplements from his backpack. “These, two pills a day, you can take them before or after meals.”

Jiang Lou glanced down, silent. Li Tang took it as him not wanting to accept them, so he explained, “My mom bought these for me, and I have so many that they’re piling up at home and almost expiring… Why don’t we eat them together, it’ll be consumed faster.”

Jiang Lou naturally knew who bought them. Just last week, there were several boxes of beautifully packaged nutritional supplements placed at their doorstep, including these iron supplements. That day, Zhang Zhaoyue sent him a message, explaining the usage and dosage of each type, saying high school studies were tough and he should pay attention to rest.

Eventually, Jiang Lou accepted the medicine bottle, placing it in his backpack and murmuring, “Thank you.”

“Ah… You don’t like this,” Li Tang said.

Jiang Lou looked over in confusion, as if asking, How do you know?

“If you really liked it, you wouldn’t say ‘thank you.'”

Just like the voice recorder on Valentine’s Day, he would hold it close to his heart and carry it with him as an expression of affection, rather than politely thanking someone.

Jiang Lou was slightly stunned, as if he hadn’t expected someone to understand the meaning behind his every action better than he did himself.

“But you still have to eat it,” Li Tang changed the subject. “I don’t want to see you faint right in front of me.”

Recalling the scene outside the east gate of the school yesterday, Li Tang couldn’t help but feel a chill.

Reaching out to grab Jiang Lou’s hand, the clear bones on the back of his hand, each protruding joint covered with a thick layer of calluses, were marks of years of boxing.

They were both the accolades of countless matches and proof of the hardships endured over the years.

Li Tang leaned forward and kissed the hand.

As his soft lips touched the back of the hand, Jiang Lou’s entire body trembled at the unconditional love and care from the youth before him.

It was strange, for he had always scoffed at the pity of so many others in the past.

Jiang Lou turned his head and gazed out the window at the neon lights blurred by raindrops, a peculiar sense of guilt stirring in his heart.

How could there be such a foolish person.

He didn’t even know that I nearly pushed him into hell.

At the transition between spring and summer, Xucheng received particularly abundant rainfall, leaving the air perpetually damp.

The old house at the foot of the mountain suffered even more. Molds growing on clothes were commonplace, and this year, water seepage through the walls added to the woes, leaving the place perpetually wet. Li Tang started to worry again, considering getting a high-powered dehumidifier for Jiang Lou’s home.

Cockroaches and rats also became more active. As Li Tang scattered pest control drugs in various corners of the room, he chattered on, “Yesterday, when you hugged me in front of so many people, you scared me to death. Fortunately, I was quick-witted. Later, when someone asked me what happened, I told them you fainted at the sight of blood, and I was just helping you.”

“I heard that the boy who got hit by the car is fine and doesn’t know when he can come back to school. I hope it doesn’t affect the general exams.”

“The school takes this incident very seriously; this time, those hooligans can’t get away scot-free… Come to think of it, we two might be considered enemies of theirs?”

Jiang Lou unfolded the freshly washed bedsheet. “We can count as enemies.”

“Ah…” Slow as Li Tang was, he finally understood. “So yesterday, you thought I was the one who got hit?”

Jiang Lou acted as if he hadn’t heard, continuing to make the bed.

“Was it true?” Li Tang, eager to find proof that he was cared for by Jiang Lou, came over and tickled him. “Tell me, was it true or not?”

However, Jiang Lou wasn’t ticklish at all. After scratching for a while, Li Tang’s mouth hadn’t moved an inch, but the pest control drug in Li Tang’s hand accidentally spilled all over the bed.

Li Tang put on a mournful expression. “It seems that tonight, I’ll have to make you sleep in my arms.”

As the rain grew heavier during the night, it was unsuitable to leave. Li Tang stayed without hesitation.

Another night of staying out. Lying in bed with the lights off, Jiang Lou asked, “Doesn’t your mom care about you?”

Li Tang squeezed closer, nestling into Jiang Lou’s arms. “She does, these days she keeps asking me where I go at night.”

“So you lie to her?”

“I tell her I’m studying with classmates… Is that lying?”

Jiang Lou leaned close to Li Tang’s ear. “Studying how to seduce your brother?”

Li Tang felt embarrassed, a sense of shame as if his mother really knew. “…You’re not my real brother.”

“What if I was?” Jiang Lou asked. “If I was your real brother.”

Li Tang disliked this assumption, feeling his scalp tingle. “How could that be? We don’t look anything alike.”

Jiang Lou was tall with deep-set eyes, the kind of standard handsome man who would captivate with just one glance. Li Tang, on the other hand, had a feminine, gentle appearance. Aside from his eyes, the other features on his face were small and delicate, not that nobody had praised him for his good looks, but it had nothing to do with the word “handsome.”

He didn’t even resemble his own mother.

Speaking of resemblance… Li Tang reached out his hand, tracing the tip of his finger over Jiang Lou’s lips, nose, and eyelashes finer than the rain outside the window.

Why hadn’t he noticed before that Jiang Lou and Mom looked so much alike? Especially the nose and eyes, as if carved from the same mold.

Li Tang eagerly shared this new discovery with Jiang Lou.

Jiang Lou asked, “Is it because you feel sorry for me and want to share your mom with me?”

Li Tang shook his head. “Mom can’t be casually given away. No matter how bad she may be, no one can replace her.”

Jiang Lou paused, then smiled. “Rest assured, I won’t fight with you. I’ve long considered her dead.”

The two rarely discussed topics related to their parents, so Li Tang couldn’t resist asking, “What if she came back?”

Previously, he had heard from his aunt that Jiang Lou’s mother wasn’t dead, she had just abandoned them father and son. Li Tang often wondered what Jiang Lou would do if his mother returned.

Jiang Lou threw the question back at him. “What would you do?”

After a moment’s thought, Li Tang replied, “I might be like you, unable to accept her.”

“If she had another child, would you hate that child?”

This assumption was too specific, giving Li Tang a chilling feeling.

But Li Tang still thought about it seriously. “Intellectually, I know he’s innocent, but emotionally, I would dislike him, I guess.”

Jiang Lou laughed.

Indeed, ignorance is bliss, everyone reminded him that the person before him was innocent.

But what if, what if this child was also the “murderer” responsible for my father’s death?

Could you still distinguish between intellect and emotion, without any resentment, holding hands and sleeping in the same bed with him?

When Li Tang fell asleep, breathing evenly, Jiang Lou looked at his peaceful sleeping face and once again thought of the term “innocent and carefree.”

A description that suited Li Tang perfectly since the first meeting.

Innocence itself is blameless, but ignorance can be so cruel.

On weekends, Li Tang went to Su Qinhan to study liberal arts, while Jiang Lou went to the boxing gym to compete.

In the locker room, several boxers on the same team were watching a referee who was about to get married show off the necklace he had bought for his wife.

Jiang Lou was sitting next to them, changing his gear, listening to their chatter and casually glancing over – a light golden chain, with a pendant of a golden rose in full bloom.

Most of the club members were bachelors and had never seen such a delicate and beautiful item, all asking how much it cost.

The referee mentioned a number, roughly equivalent to three years of basic salary. Everyone gasped, saying that getting married was too expensive, no wonder you always asked Uncle Zhang to schedule you.

“This is considered cheap. Buying a house, a car, and hosting a wedding banquet, those are the big expenses.” The referee complained but wore a happy smile on his face. “But thinking about how happy she’ll be when she receives this, and knowing I’ll see her every day when I return home, it’s worth it no matter how hard and tiring it is.”

Everyone was envious, saying he could live on love alone, and asked when he would host the wedding banquet, reminding him to invite everyone for a lively celebration.

Jiang Lou didn’t join in the teasing. Instead, he took out his phone, opened the search app, and searched for the rose pendant.

It was from a renowned international brand, available not only in gold but also in red with enamel inlays. The petals in the pictures appeared velvety, as if condensed from a rose freshly plucked from its stem.

Suddenly, a sneer came from beside him. It was Pei Hao, who lost to Jiang Lou in the previous internal competition. Glancing at Jiang Lou’s phone screen, he laughed. “Are you thinking of buying this for your little boyfriend?”

Jiang Lou ignored him, locked his phone, and put it back in his pocket.

Pei Hao didn’t seem to expect a response. “Do you have that much money?”

Jiang Lou stood up, crossing his hands to grab the hem of his shirt, then lifted it high, skillfully removing his top.

Revealing the sturdy muscles produced by long-term exercise and the body always scarred anew before the old wounds healed.

Pei Hao remembered asking Uncle Zhang why he didn’t schedule more matches for him. Uncle Zhang had said, “Some matches can only be fought by Jiang Lou. You guys don’t have his fighting spirit.”

Although he still wasn’t convinced.

Suddenly remembering something, Pei Hao warned, “Next week there’s a match against the neighboring club. You should know, right? One of the matches has a high prize, enough to buy that necklace.”

“I just passed by Uncle Zhang’s office, and he was pondering over who to send out. Do you want to help him solve his dilemma?”

This year’s May Day holiday was only three days off. Li Tang was “dispatched” back to the capital by Li Yuanshan to attend his grandfather’s eightieth birthday.

He was extremely unwilling to go, but he couldn’t be a disobedient descendant. Before boarding the plane, he was still sending messages to Jiang Lou: “Only three days, two nights, I’ll come back soon, don’t miss me too much.”

Less than five minutes later, another message arrived: “Still, miss me. I already miss you.”

The WeChat version of Li Tang was somewhat more outgoing than in real life, but he remained consistent, writing his love in every word.

Receiving the messages, Jiang Lou was on a bus heading to the suburban cemetery.

This cemetery was further from the city than where he lived. Perhaps due to its low cost, only one elderly guard was hired to watch over it.

When Jiang Lou entered, the gatekeeper gave him a glance and asked him if he wanted to buy flowers for memorial services as part of his duties. Receiving a negative answer, he turned back to continue watching TV.

The cemetery was not crowded, quite desolate.

But this place could never be lively. Jiang Lou squatted down and pulled out the weeds that had grown around.

He would visit several times a year, not necessarily on anniversaries or Qingming Festival. Nor did he speak to the tombstone like others, the private Jiang Lou was even quieter than usual, as quiet as his left ear, as if sunk into eternal slumber.

But this time was different.

For some decisions capable of changing life, he should inform his father.

Besides, he knew he had no right to forgive on his father’s behalf, since he didn’t pay the price with his life.

So, he came to apologize to his father.

Jiang Lou looked at his father’s youthful photo on the tombstone. “Dad, I’m sorry.”

Sorry, for making a choice without consultation.

No one knows better than me how to make them suffer.

Call me selfish, after all, you left me alone in this world out of kindness at the time, which was also a kind of selfishness.

I don’t blame you anymore. These dozen years of solitude, I won’t blame you anymore.

If you still hate, then hate me.

Regardless, for me, it’s just adding a new sin to the list after sleeping with my biological brother – failing to avenge my father.

On the last day of the holiday, Jiang Lou stepped onto the boxing ring amidst thunderous cheers.

Opposing him was a boxer from the neighboring city, rumored to have an aggressive style, never probing, only attacking. He had previously sent a fellow club boxer to the ICU.

Jiang Lou shouldn’t have been the one to step into the ring, but the prize for this match was exceptionally generous, and several candidate boxers had developed cold feet due to fear of the opponent’s reckless style. Although black boxing was trading life for money, no one truly wanted to lose their life senselessly on the ring.

Uncle Zhang, the head of the boxing gym, was still doing his best to dissuade Jiang Lou right before the match. “If you need money, Uncle can lend it to you first. The danger level of this match is not comparable to the ones you’ve faced before…”

Over the years, especially after Jiang Lou returned to live alone in the house at the foot of the mountain, Uncle Zhang had continuously provided financial assistance. Although Jiang Lou had written IOUs for him, the “debt” had gradually been repaid in the matches over the past two years. There shouldn’t be any need for large expenditures now.

But Jiang Lou insisted on entering the ring.

The whistle blew, and Jiang Lou was late to react due to not hearing clearly. The opposing boxer’s straight punch narrowly grazed his cheek.

The match was fast-paced. The opposing boxer constantly attacked while Jiang Lou defended and counterattacked, barely matching blow for blow.

In the decisive round, both were on the brink of exhaustion. Jiang Lou was hit by a hook punch during a charge, followed by fierce blows to his face and chest ribs by his opponent. He retreated a few steps, feigning defeat, and then kicked when the opportunity arose.

The opponent nearly fell, and Jiang Lou seized the chance for a fierce close-range punch. The opponent couldn’t cope, being forced backward repeatedly, his defense disintegrating. Even the most fearless warrior would lose on the ring to constant alertness and indomitable fighting spirit.

The final whistle sounded, signaling the end of the match. The referee raised Jiang Lou’s hand high.

But just as he stepped off the stage, before the cheers had subsided, Jiang Lou’s legs weakened, and he fell to the ground.

Such intense and continuous fighting was indeed detrimental to health. It was common for boxers to fight until their eyes were red on the ring and only realize their internal organs had ruptured after stepping down.

After being carried back to the locker room, Jiang Lou was forcibly fitted with an oxygen mask.

Doctors were on standby at the boxing gym today, but lacking equipment, they couldn’t perform imaging examinations. They could only press with their hands to check for broken ribs.

The doctor’s strength wasn’t small. One hand was placed on the sternum area of the chest, while the other was behind the thoracic vertebrae on the back, squeezing the rib cage towards the center, asking Jiang Lou if it hurt.

How could it not hurt, but he couldn’t tell where the pain was coming from, the swollen skin tissue, the sternum and ribs, or deeper inside, perhaps a ruptured heart or lungs bleeding?

The pain was overwhelming, making Jiang Lou think for a moment that he was about to die.

With the last shred of consciousness, he could only wander in thought – Was it possible that if he returned his life to his father, he could receive forgiveness?

Could his sins be erased, allowing him to be with his biological brother?

The sudden ringing of his phone pulled Jiang Lou back from the brink of life and death.

The cheerful melody was the special ringtone he had set for Li Tang.

Seeing Jiang Lou reach for his pocket, Uncle Zhang stopped him. “At a time like this, are you not worried about your life?”

Jiang Lou still removed the oxygen mask, pressed the answer button, and held the phone to his right ear.

There was the sound of flight information announcements on the other end of the line. Li Tang had just returned to Xucheng from the capital, his tone somewhat disappointed. “I thought you’d come pick me up.”

Yesterday, he had sent his flight information to Jiang Lou, a clear hint, but Jiang Lou didn’t appear at the airport today.

Jiang Lou took a deep breath, trying to keep his voice from sounding abnormal. “There was a match today.”

Li Tang immediately asked, “Did you win?”

Jiang Lou repeated the same phrase. “Guess.”

“I bet you won.”

Li Tang always had confidence in him. Jiang Lou tugged at the corner of his mouth, telling him the opposite. “Wrong, I lost.”

“Ah…” Li Tang sighed. “It’s okay, win it back next time.”

However, what Jiang Lou meant wasn’t that “loss.”

Li Tang had once said that he would always watch him win. To make him win, Li Tang was willing to avoid competing in the same match as him, even pretending to be sick and dropping out.

But Jiang Lou conceded.

He said, “I can’t win it back.”

Jiang Lou utterly lost to Li Tang, willing to bear all the sins just to keep him safe and be with him.

Unexpectedly, Li Tang’s response was straightforward. “Then just lose, winning or losing isn’t important.”

Jiang Lou was somewhat puzzled. “Then what’s important?”

“I’m so hungry, tired, and… I miss you.”

Amidst the hustle and bustle around him, Li Tang didn’t dare to speak too loudly or make overly flamboyant confessions.

But Jiang Lou still heard and understood.

Li Tang was saying, I never cared who wins or loses.

I just want to love you well.