Chapter 43 – Spilt Water Cannot Be Recollected

At one o’clock in the morning, Jiang Lou sprinted down the deserted streets.

The prolonged “beep” sound after the call was disconnected echoed in his ears, stretched out infinitely slowly, transforming into a sharp ringing that assaulted him with overwhelming force, threatening to engulf him in the boundless darkness.

Pressing hard on the left side of his ear to suppress the needle-like buzz, Jiang Lou ran while dialing Zhang Zhaoyue’s number.

She answered immediately upon dialing, perhaps not expecting him to call her again, her tone betraying her surprise. “Is it Jiang Lou?”

But Jiang Lou had no time for pleasantries. “Is Li Tang at home?”

“…Yes, why?”

“Hurry, go check on him.” Jiang Lou panted heavily. “He might do something foolish.”

The city of Xucheng was deep in slumber during the night, and there were no cars to be found on the roads.

Jiang Lou ran frantically to Li Tang’s house, pounding on the door without hesitation, which was opened by the housekeeper.

When asked about Li Tang, the housekeeper looked worried. “The door won’t open. We called a locksmith, but they haven’t arrived yet…”

Taking the stairs three at a time, he reached upstairs to find Li Tang’s father hammering away at the lock, while Zhang Zhaoyue was leaning out of the window of the adjacent room, attempting to climb into Li Tang’s.

Seeing Jiang Lou arrive, Zhang Zhaoyue exclaimed anxiously, “What can we do? He locked the windows too.”

Li Yuanshan was infuriated by Jiang Lou’s presence, and added to his annoyance, he threw the hammer aside. “I think he just wants some peace alone. He’s a grown man; how could he be so weak when faced with a problem…”

Jiang Lou didn’t wait for him to finish, shoving him aside and kicking the door with all his might.

The solid wood door was sturdy, and the lock was extremely tight that two kicks weren’t enough to break it open. Jiang Lou then used his body to ram into it, and when the door finally gave way, one of the metal hinges used to fix it came loose.

Li Yuanshan had never seen such a violent display, following behind and cursing, “This door is expensive. You can’t afford to pay for it if you damage it!”

Jiang Lou ignored him and kicked at the bathroom door inside the suite.

Zhang Zhaoyue, who had followed closely behind, grabbed Li Yuanshan, who wanted to stop Jiang Lou, and shouted in exasperation, “Don’t you see that Li Tang isn’t in the room?”

Li Yuanshan fell silent, looking around the room and indeed not seeing Li Tang.

At that moment, the housekeeper hurried upstairs, reporting, “A fruit knife is missing from the kitchen.”

Those words were like a bolt of lightning striking, leaving everyone present stunned.

Only then did Li Yuanshan panic. “Quickly, the door—”

Before he could finish, Jiang Lou had gathered all his strength and delivered a vicious kick, and with a loud “clang,” the bathroom door burst open.

All he saw was a sea of red.

Jiang Lou practically pounced over, kneeling on the ground, and lifted up Li Tang, who was leaning against the wall.

His eyes were tightly shut, his face deathly pale, and his body was cold as ice.

The intense smell of blood seemed to act as a catalyst, amplifying the ringing that had spread from his ears to his brain. Jiang Lou was overwhelmed with pain, trembling as he knelt on the cold tile floor, allowing the blood to soak through his clothes.

The fruit knife was long and sharp, the doors and windows closed and double-locked.

The wound on his wrist was so deep that blood still gushed out, impossible to staunch.

He simply didn’t want to live anymore.

Just before losing consciousness, Li Tang sensed that he was being carried.

The embrace was warm, causing him to lean into it involuntarily. But the jostling made him feel nauseous, and he clutched at the person carrying him, wanting to be put down, only to be held tighter.

Soon, the movement ceased, and they moved along smoothly as the vehicle traveled on flat ground. Li Tang heard Zhang Zhaoyue’s sobs and thought that she truly had a tender heart full of compassion. However, all along, the one she pitied was actually him.

Indeed, there was something pitiable about him.

No wonder even you were so soft-hearted, coming to see me for one last time.

Perhaps my sins were too great, and you wouldn’t allow me to die so easily.

You knew too well what I feared, cutting off my escape routes, leaving me disgraced.

But you didn’t know that my reluctance to make our relationship public, my fear of others finding out, was also for the hope that your path ahead would be smooth and free of thorns.

Warm raindrops fell onto Li Tang’s face, making him furrow his brow lightly.

It seemed he had overlooked a question: Why was it always raining in Xucheng?

Moreover, it was you who told me that blood would quickly coagulate and turn cold after death.

You said that once you’ve tasted blood, you wouldn’t be afraid anymore, so why are you crying? Why are you saying sorry to me, is it because I’m dying?

But allowing everything to happen was also something you taught me.

I learned it, I did it, so why can’t you handle it now?

The final few hours before dawn were especially unbearable.

Jiang Lou stood in the corridor outside the emergency room, watching the busy medical staff and patients, feeling as though he was outside the chaos of the world, transformed into a mere observer.

He saw a boy living with his father in a small house at the foot of a mountain. They were poor but happy, tearing off a page of the calendar every day, eagerly awaiting each new day.

Later, a younger boy came to their home. The little boy called the older boy “big brother” and told him with complete trust that he had come to find his mother based on the address given by his father.

The older boy asked the younger boy how he had arrived, and the younger boy smiled, saying, “It was Auntie, the nanny, who brought me here. I came by plane.”

The older boy responded with an “oh.”

He had never flown in a plane before, only reading about this mode of transportation that flew in the sky in books. His family didn’t have a nanny either; when his father wasn’t home, he ate instant noodles by himself.

When asked why his father hadn’t come along, the little boy pouted and said, “Daddy is too busy. He told me to find Mommy myself and not bother him.”

Speaking of Mommy, the older boy shared with the little boy, “My mom just got back home. She went out to buy things.”

The little boy sincerely rejoiced for the older boy, and together they read storybooks. There were traces of the older boy’s handwriting practice on the pages, and the little boy admired him, saying, “Big brother, you’re so amazing.”

The little boy could write as well, but he couldn’t hold the pen steadily, and his strokes were crooked. On the paper, he wrote his name and told the older boy, “I’m Li Tang, the Li of dawn, and the Tang of autumn begonia.”

The older boy had seen this flower that bloomed in the fall. Its leaves were broad, but its petals were delicate and exquisite, much like the little boy.

But looking carefully at the little boy’s squinting eyes, the older boy thought, he clearly resembled a little fox more.

Not the bad foxes that stole chickens and dogs in fairy tales, nor the fox spirits that plagued the country in the List of Immortals. The little boy was too beautiful, making the older boy think, if only he really had a brother like this, how wonderful it would be.

Later, the older boy learned from the little boy’s mouth that their mothers had the exact same name.

The little boy shouted “Mommy” loudly at the woman who had returned from outside, but the woman, eager to escape, turned and walked away. The little boy chased after her, crying and asking, “Mommy, Mommy, why don’t you want me anymore?”

The older boy also chased out, witnessing firsthand a large truck swerving sharply to avoid the little boy crossing the road recklessly.

The tires left long black marks on the ground as the truck braked suddenly. The steel bars loaded in the cargo compartment instantly pierced through the driver’s cabin.

The driver of that truck was the older boy’s father.

It was the older boy who had called him, telling him “Mommy is back,” which led him to change course during the delivery and rush home urgently.

Afterward, the older boy grew up.

Alone, he experienced the warmth and coldness of the world, losing his hearing in one ear.

He had forgotten to turn off the tap, flooding his home and ruining his books, and experienced severe tinnitus in noisy crowds, leading to sleepless nights due to headaches.

Hatred accumulated day by day under the torment.

By chance, he met the little boy again.

The little boy was still as innocent and kind as ever, seemingly living in a different world from his own.

The seed of hatred in his heart was ignited by that blinding light.

He began to approach intentionally, plotting to provoke and entice.

His past experiences of overcoming adversity had made him arrogant and conceited. He thought he had everything under control, within easy reach.

But he overlooked the unpredictable nature of emotions.

In his half-truth “performance,” the other party was indeed attracted to him, ensnared in the beautiful dream he had constructed.

And hadn’t he been treated well, surrounded by that pure heart and gentleness from all sides?

Birds in cages, cocooned and trapped.

By the time he came to his senses, it was spilt water that could not be recollected.

It was his own fault, a self-inflicted doom.

As dawn approached, news came from the emergency room that the patient was out of danger.

Zhang Zhaoyue and Li Yuanshan entered first. When they emerged, their faces were weary, lacking the energy to argue.

Jiang Lou also wanted to go in but was stopped by Zhang Zhaoyue, who hesitated and said, “He told you to go back first.”

In other words, he didn’t want to see him.

Jiang Lou was stunned for a while before turning slowly.

Zhang Zhaoyue caught up a few steps and suggested, “Go wash your hands and eat something first.”

Jiang Lou looked down, realizing that his palms and backs were covered in dried blood.

It was Li Tang’s blood.

There was a phrase that described someone whose hands were stained with blood.

Jiang Lou thought, originally, I was the one who was wicked.

This blood, which had gone from scorching hot to icy cold, would forever stick to his hands, impossible to wash away.

Two days later, Jiang Lou saw the honor roll for the last monthly exam posted at the school gate.

He didn’t care about his own ranking, but among the densely packed names, he found Li Tang’s at first glance.

Seventy-fifth place, an improvement from the previous time.

How could he not know that in other aspects, Li Tang had always been intelligent. Only when facing a bastard named Jiang Lou would he become blind and dull, as if his senses were dulled, choosing to believe unconditionally.

Jiang Lou stared at Li Tang’s name, as if witnessing proof of Li Tang’s love for him.

Several days passed, and Jiang Lou went to the underground boxing gym to fight against the boxer who had lost to him previously and was determined to avenge his defeat this time.

Old Zhang naturally tried to dissuade him from acting impulsively, saying that the boxer hadn’t suffered serious injuries last time, unlike Jiang Lou, whose bone fracture hadn’t fully healed.

Even Pei Hao, who usually provoked him with words, disapproved. “That guy was furious after losing to our club for the first time, especially to an unknown nobody like you. He’s been waiting to beat you to the ground on the boxing ring and make you beg for mercy. You’re still going to offer yourself up to him, looking for death?”

But Jiang Lou was determined to fight.

In just a few days, his face had become gaunt, his body like a withered tree, as if his soul had been drained, turning into stagnant, unmoving water.

He said, “If I don’t die this time, consider it him keeping me alive.”

“I’ll live on for him.”

The outcome of the match was predictable.

Jiang Lou had no fighting spirit, deliberately punishing himself. On the boxing ring, he only defended and did not attack.

Later, he even abandoned his defense, letting his hands, clad in boxing gloves, hang by his sides, passively enduring the punches and kicks from his opponent.

Until he fell on the boxing ring, no matter how hard he tried, his arms propping up only to bend again, unable to stand up again.

The glaring lights overhead blinded him, and he thought back to a freezing winter night when Li Tang, after finishing his homework, crawled into his bed for warmth. Somehow, they had talked about “what people do is watched by heaven,” and Jiang Lou, harboring resentment and sorrow, had said coldly, “Heaven doesn’t have eyes; it doesn’t watch.”

But Li Tang had told him earnestly, “Heaven watches. What you lose will certainly return to you in another form.”

At that time, he had scoffed at this idea, but now he hoped more than anything that it was a truth verified by countless predecessors.

Jiang Lou felt his internal organs soaked in blood, reaching a point where he needed the pain in his chest to cover the pain in his body to confirm that he was still alive.

He lay on his back on the ground, eyes wide open, looking through the concrete roof supported by the steel beams of the boxing gym, toward the sky.

Breathing felt like being strangled, the price of his plea.

If there were truly heaven and deities, could they let him return to the past?

Could they return him to me?

This time, luck did not favor Jiang Lou.

His previous bone fracture had not yet healed, and not only did he not follow the doctor’s advice to rest, but he also fought in the match. His bones, not cherished, finally broke completely, piercing his lung tube and causing massive bleeding in his chest cavity, almost endangering his life.

He spent two days in the intensive care unit before being transferred to a general ward. When he woke up in bed, Pei Hao happened to visit, still wearing that contemptuous smile. “Congratulations, brave warrior, you’ve helped add another feat to their record of sending opponents to the ICU.”

Jiang Lou ignored him, enduring the pain to reach for the phone on the bedside table.

Pei Hao couldn’t bear to watch and helped him get the phone, unlocking it and asking what he wanted to see.

Jiang Lou said, “Messages.”

Zhang Zhaoyue had indeed sent a message, stating that Li Tang had already been discharged from the hospital and returned to the capital, accepting Li Yuanshan’s arrangement to study abroad.

Thus, Li Tang left Xucheng without a farewell, without leaving a single word.

Only with a body full of scars and a heart riddled with holes.

Jiang Lou read that message three times before closing his eyes again.

Everything had finally settled.

In mid-June, when the exam results were released, Jiang Lou had already completed the transfer procedures.

He was going to a high school in a county under the jurisdiction of Xucheng. Although it couldn’t compare to the educational resources of Xucheng No.1 High School, it was considered a decent high school locally, particularly strong in recent years. Last year, the number of students admitted to undergraduate programs was second only to Xucheng No.1 High School.

The county high school required boarding, and the summer vacation was only a week long. Jiang Lou only started packing his luggage the day before school started.

In between, he received a call from Huo Xichen, saying that he couldn’t come to send him off since the person at home wouldn’t allow it.

“The person at home” naturally referred to Li Zichu.

Li Zichu and Li Tang were good friends. After the incident, he harbored a grudge against Jiang Lou and almost fought him alongside Zhou Dongze.

They didn’t fight because Jiang Lou had just recovered from a serious illness, and he seemed frail, like a piece of paper. They feared that one punch would make him vomit blood, so they had to give up.

Even Su Qinhan held a grudge against him, saying, “I must have been blind to chase after you.”

For these accusations and curses, Jiang Lou did not refute or react.

Hearing Huo Xichen say this, he merely responded with an “mm-hm,” lowering his eyes to continue packing his belongings.

Huo Xichen expressed concern for his future. “I heard that the teachers at the county high school are ruthless. The students are dedicated. They don’t sleep. All they do is study.”

Jiang Lou said, “It’s fine.”

Given his situation, it was fortunate that he could still attend school. If not for his excellent grades, they might not have been willing to accept him.

After exchanging a few indifferent words, they said goodbye and hung up the phone.

Jiang Lou’s suitcase wasn’t large, barely enough to hold a few clothes and two pairs of shoes. It was rumored that the dorm rooms in the county high school were ten-person rooms, and each student was only provided with one locker. Even two extra coats wouldn’t fit.

But Jiang Lou still made space, taking down the rabbit lantern hanging by the window and placing it in his suitcase.

Such a small item would surely find a place to fit.

Perhaps Li Tang had thought the same thing, deliberately hanging it in the most conspicuous spot so that Jiang Lou could see it every day.

This was equivalent to planting a seed in his heart.

What remained to be done was to wait for it to take root and sprout.

After packing, Jiang Lou pushed open the door and stepped outdoors. In the distance, lush vegetation greeted his eyes, and the cicadas’ songs filled his ears, reminding him of how Li Tang had caressed the new shoots sprouting on the branches during the season of warm winds, sighing, “I came to Xucheng in early autumn. Now it’s only spring, and I haven’t even seen Xucheng’s summer yet.”

Indeed, they hadn’t spent the summer vacation together, hadn’t eaten popsicles at the convenience store together, hadn’t blown the table fans with stainless steel mesh covers together, hadn’t tossed and turned all night due to annoying mosquitoes, counting the mosquito bites on each other’s bodies, and hadn’t gone to the beach together, getting sunburned in the shape of T-shirts on their skin.

Jiang Lou had always believed that he was mature beyond his years. His many years of struggling in society had given him an overly mature and numb mindset, similar to those who lived busy lives without a sense of ceremony or romance. He once believed that he would find these things annoying.

Now he realized that it wasn’t the case.

As long as he was with Li Tang, even trivial matters would make him look forward to them eagerly.

But winter had turned to spring, and summer had arrived. That seed had already sprouted and grown into a towering tree, but the person who planted it no longer wished to anticipate or look back.

Pulling out the jewelry box from his pocket, he opened it, and the pendant shaped like a rose still shimmered brilliantly in the dim environment.

Like the memories Li Tang left him, they weren’t many, but each one was vivid and distinct, enough to thaw his frozen heart and ignite a spark in the darkness of the polar night.

His fingers brushed over the red petals as Jiang Lou allowed himself one last time to linger on the remnants of comfort and warmth of this land.

Then he turned around, step by step, returning to absolute silence and loneliness.

Leaving behind the brief bright summer of his life, he stepped into the long, freezing winter.