CEL 10

“Do I look like I live that easily?”

Since everyone kept saying so, it must have looked that way, but honestly it was hard to agree.

Unlike their expectations, his life was not easy. He did not think of himself as great, and he was not very happy. On the contrary, every moment felt dull and empty.

At times like that, Hamin thought he was like an inflatable doll full of holes. No matter how much air was blown in, it never filled up completely.

Before he could squeeze out a forced answer, Kim Hyunwoo left his seat. He sighed and tried to go back to his room, but a tiny hand grabbed his pants hem.

“Hamin-hyung.”

He lowered his gaze at the familiar voice and met the eyes of a child staring up at him with bright round eyes. The only child in the orphanage who followed him.

He was just as tired from the sudden mess and wanted to go inside and rest, but he could not ignore the child who only reached his knees. He crouched down quietly to meet his eyes.

“Why?”

“Hyung, thank you.”

Hamin tilted his head.

“For what?”

“You saved Minjae! Right?”

“…Saved?”

“Lately. The director. He kept! kept… hitting me. Bullying me. But hyung beat the director! I know everything!”

Hamin lifted the child’s shirt without warning. Minjae laughed from the ticklishness, but Hamin could not laugh back.

His stomach and back, no, his whole exposed skin was covered with bruises.

He had not thought the man would even hit such a young kid.

While Hamin stood frozen without even thinking to pull the clothes back down, Minjae kept chattering.

“Hyung, that… fire man! You are like fire man. For Minjae, from now on Hamin-hyung is fire man.”

Fire man, was he talking about that character whose hands shoot out flames?

Hamin answered with a blank face at the giggling voice.

“I didn’t save you. You saved me.”

“Is that different?”

“Yes, it’s different.”

Minjae tilted his head side to side. Maybe it was the hardest question of his six-year-old life. He even sucked on his finger while thinking, then soon answered with a bright smile.

“But-But hyung isMinjae’s hero. I don’t get hit anymore now.”

Hamin forgot to even blink as he looked down at the child.

He had never been good to this kid. He had only shared his sandwich a few times because Minjae trailed after him every time, and he had almost never played with him or even talked much. He had not even known about Minjae’s body turning into a canvas of bruises until now.

Hero?

Not even such a childlike word could make him laugh.

Thank you.

He stammered out the thanks. It felt strange and unfamiliar.

As Hamin was lost in thought, Minjae suddenly hugged him.

“Thanks for helping. I really like hyung. I really hate the director.”

It was not even a strong hug, but it felt heavy. His chest tingled, and it felt like something was swelling inside him.

What was this feeling?

Hamin did not push away the hands patting his arms and side, nor did he hug him back. He just sat there chewing on his emotions.

“Were you scared?”

“Yeah. Really. So I prayed every day for someone to help. I told other teachers too, but… nobody helped me.”

His thin arms, no thicker than Hamin’s wrist, wobbled as he waved them.

So this little kid asked for help and nobody helped him. Even though they were adults. Even though they could have.

Hamin never thought of himself as good or self-sacrificing. He thought he was more selfish and calculating than anyone. Even so, he felt angry.

He unconsciously raised his hand and patted his small back. Meanwhile, Minjae kept talking about how hard it had been and how great Hamin was. He especially repeated five times that it was really cool how Hamin spoke confidently in front of the adults.

Really? Yeah. Good job.

Normally he would have told him to stop, but when he only acknowledged and praised him, Minjae got excited and rubbed his baby-smelling cheek against Hamin’s chest.

“Hyung is really really the best.”

Their eyes met. Hamin finally realized what this uncomfortable feeling was. Guilt.

“Next time… if someone bullies you, tell. Even if nobody listens, keep telling.”

“Can I tell hyung? Then hyung will protect me again?”

His lips moved. He could have said “yes, call me anytime.” But realistic thoughts clouded his head.

He could not go to the same orphanage again. Everyone would scatter, and he would only get busier. Even if he promised to protect him, he could not really solve the child’s real problems.

Was I this powerless?

Each breath he drew in burned his lungs. Every time people said, “You’re so great,” Hamin always thought it was just their inferiority complex.

I never thought of myself that way, never acted that way, they were just sensitive. That’s what he had believed.

But facing this innocent smiling face, he realized he had been living in pride without knowing. Otherwise he would not feel such despair at this first encounter with helplessness.

He felt ashamed.

And also bitter and wronged.

After a long silence, Hamin spoke softly.

“…I can’t protect you now.”

“Why not?”

“Twenty years later. I’ll protect you then. If you face injustice then…”

It was an impulsive promise. But his pounding heart made it feel like the right answer, so he said without hesitation.

For the first time he felt like he belonged in the world. He had never felt it before. The praise of a six-year-old child made him feel like a member of society.

So.

“Come find the biggest law office in our country. I’ll be there.”

The child probably didn’t know.

That this simple conversation would change Hamin’s whole life.

•••

The days of childhood pass quickly.

One day was slow, but one year passed quickly, and reaching adulthood came even faster.

“Hamin-ah, it’s fine if you go to Hayang. You’re planning for law school anyway. With your grades, even Hayang is good.”

“I’m fine.”

“But…”

The teacher chose her words carefully, worried she might hurt her young student’s heart, but Hamin knew what she wanted to say.

“Even if I go to Korea University, I won’t lose first place. I’m confident.”

“Of course I know that. But… I just wish you would enjoy your university life a little more.”

She felt anxious even while looking at the acceptance letters scattered on his desk.

She had seen many children through her long years of teaching, but Hamin was a little different. Every senior in Korea was desperate, but Hamin always looked like he wasn’t, even though he was more desperate than anyone.

Even after receiving a report card full of 1s, he never allowed himself a day of joy. Even the day after receiving his acceptance letter from Korea University, when anyone else would have taken a day off, he arrived at school at dawn and opened his books.

What on earth did that child carry inside him?

“Do everything kids your age do, and live more comfortably. Okay? When you’re young, you need days like that.”

Do everything my peers do. Live comfortably.

He knew her words came from kindness, but to Hamin it sounded more like a dream out of a novel. His lips parted slightly as if to speak.

Teacher, the day after tomorrow I have to leave the orphanage with only three million won. The moment I slip even once, I fall into a cliff. Nobody will protect me. On nights when I fall short in anything, I can’t sleep, so I always push myself to the limit. If I can’t answer ‘yes’ to the question ‘Was this the best I could do?’ it feels like I can’t breathe.

But… the truth is, at some point, I stopped having days like that. Every day is my best.

Will a day ever come for me when I can live comfortably?

After hesitating, Hamin closed his lips again and escaped the situation with a blank nod.

Complaining to someone would not solve anything. He didn’t even want to, and even if he did, he would never direct it at the one teacher who had shown him kindness all through high school.

“Thank you for this past year.”

He hid the words that would cut her heart and chose deliberately the most normal words. Even so, her expression was not bright, but for Hamin this was the best he could do.

After two years of military service, four full years of university, and three years of law school, he was already in his late twenties.

As always in life, there were unexpected moments, but most of the time his path stayed close to plan.

After class, while Hamin was packing his things, one classmate who was not on good terms with him came over quietly.

“You’re going to ENHA, right?”

It was nothing new. His entry had already been confirmed during last year’s internship, but the classmate spoke like it was strange and suspicious. With a smirk he muttered,

“You really made it, Seo Hamin.”

“You failed, right? You didn’t pass the bar exam.”

“Failed?”

Instead of getting angry as expected, the classmate just laughed. His look was like he was watching a clueless child.

“I’m joining TZ Electronics.”

Did he think entering a big company was something anyone could do with just a bit of preparation?

Hamin was about to sneer back, then remembered his family. His face cracked slightly though he kept his expression flat.

Ah. His father was an inside director at TZ Electronics.

So that’s why he was so confident.

The classmate quickly noticed what Hamin was thinking. Without bothering to hide the glee on his face, he said,

“From now on, you should treat me well. Who knows? I might throw some work your way.”

He continued talking for a while, but not a word reached Hamin’s ears. His face looked calm, but under the desk his hand clutching his pants had gone pale at every knuckle.

Bored of getting no reaction, the classmate finally left.

Hamin was alone.

A long sigh slipped from his lips. It sounded like anger or crying, but it didn’t hold together, scattering straight into the air.

He knew.

Rankings only existed inside school. The moment you stepped into society after graduation, the title of number one vanished without a sound. You had to start again.

You receive work. I give work.

That childish line was probably what he wanted to say.

Nothing had gone against plan. The best university, the best law school, the best law firm. Everything was smooth.

But the gap from birth was never closing. Whenever he thought he had pulled far ahead, there were always people laughing at him, standing three steps in front, mocking him.

How high do I have to climb before this ends?

He pressed his lips tight and held his breath.

Even though he thought he had run with all his strength, whenever he looked back it was always the starting line. He could not even see a finish line, but people had already finished, laughing at him and waving.

He rubbed his face with a dry hand and steadied his rough breathing. For him now, even anger was a luxury.

“I have to do better.” The goal was still far away.

•••

“Did you hear the news?”

“What news?”

“Seo, you know. That custody case Lawyer Park gave him to screw him over. I heard he won it.”

“What? He won that?” How did he win that?

Lawyer Kim’s mouth dropped open, pulling away from the paper cup he had been chewing. Even putting aside that Seo mostly handled criminal trials, that case had too many problems.

First, the client was a serious domestic abuser, so the child was terrified of his father. He had no control over his words, making it one of the most difficult cases to defend. People were saying it would be lucky if he didn’t lose visitation rights, let alone custody.

How did he do it?

“Crazy, right? I was curious too, so I looked into it. Seems like Seo used the kid a little.”

Used the kid?

He frowned. He couldn’t imagine how you could use a four-year-old in a trial.

“Did he offer candy or something?”

“No, it’s just…”

The woman hesitated for a moment, then continued.

“They said the kid was asking if ghosts that eat children at night were wandering around.”

“…What?”

“Every interview, he kept talking too much about ghosts. He said weak kids would get eaten if they met one… so the child clung to the client at night and refused to sleep apart. They say that was accepted as proof he had some level of attachment to his father. And since the mother worked night shifts and was never home, the kid said he hated his mom… that he wanted to live with his dad….”

He couldn’t find his words for a moment. Of course, it could not have been won on that point alone, and they must have added other complex evidence, but it was a method he never imagined. It was exactly the kind of thing “Seo Hamin” would do.

Of course the child would have said he wanted to live with his dad. He had seen his mom beaten before, so at the very least he would have the clear idea that his dad was strong.

But to use that like this?

In this field people hid evidence and even created evidence that didn’t exist, but this was…

“Garbage, right?”

“Garbage, isn’t it?”

They both said it at the same time, their expressions twisting in distaste.

Two years ago, when he first transferred to ENHA, he had liked Seo Hamin, who was famous as a “dragon born from a ditch” case. In times like these, where was it easy for someone from that environment to never lose first place?

Even if he had said “It’s not the way you think,” he thought it was just envy of a successful lawyer. He never imagined Seo Hamin would be this kind of person. He thought he was diligent, exemplary, someone with much to learn from.

Half of that was right.

He was diligent, but not exemplary.

Whenever he took a case, Seo Hamin tried to win no matter what. He didn’t touch bribery, corruption, crime, but everything else was fair game.

Even when hearing the same testimony or looking at the same evidence, he had a different way of presenting it. He knew how to show his cards to the greatest effect, he knew what words would frame things to get the result he wanted.

So it was no surprise prosecutors would sprinkle salt when they heard their opponent was Seo Hamin.

There was much to learn from him, though only as a negative example.

He had wanted to cool his head, overheated from sorting out cases all night, but instead it grew hotter. He was about to throw the rest of his coffee into the sink when a familiar voice came from behind.

“Garbage passing through.”

“Huh.”

“Uh, Lawyer Seo….”

Exhausted Hamin didn’t even look at the two lawyers frozen in guilt. He just opened the fridge. The energy drinks he had stocked full had already dropped to a handful left.

I need to buy more.

Muttering that to himself, he hooked one can between his fingers. Their hurried excuse followed.

“W-we weren’t really insulting you….”

“You can insult me. It’s fine.”

It wasn’t the first or second day he had been cursed. And this much wasn’t even cursing. Compared to the harsh swearing he normally heard, this was almost cute.

Leaning against the wall, he popped the can open. The fizz filled the uncomfortable silence as he drank. Watching his throat move, the two couldn’t endure the tension and fled.

“I-I should get going.”

“Yeah, me too. I forgot I had a meeting.”

How would they survive in this field without even a layer of shamelessness?

Hamin smirked, shaking the empty can. Then his phone vibrated in his pocket. An unknown number.

“This is Seo Hamin of ENHA.”

He faintly smiled, he liked introducing himself this way. Most lawyers gave long introductions: “This is Lawyer so-and-so of Taejong Law Firm,” “This is Lawyer so-and-so of Yeocheon Law Firm.”

But he didn’t need that.

Just as ENHA, without even attaching “law firm,” was the number one firm in the country, he too was known everywhere. In only nine years since joining, there was nobody in the industry who didn’t know his name. It felt like repayment for the life he had lived until now.

-…Hamin?

At the unfamiliar call, he pulled the phone from his ear and looked at the screen. Still an unknown number.

When he missed the timing to answer, thrown by the strange address, the caller asked again.

-Hamin, isn’t this Seo Hamin’s number?

“…Yes, it is. Who are you?”

-I’m Kim Hyunwoo. From Hope Orphanage, where we stayed together.

Kim Hyunwoo. Hope Orphanage.

Words he had not heard in so long. Hamin easily recalled the image of a boy with hair like a chestnut.

Maybe the silence was mistaken for forgetfulness, because the caller hurriedly continued.

-We weren’t that close, but until I moved orphanages, you were the only one my age…. I got mad at you a lot, and, uh….

Maybe because he had no special memories of doing things together, the caller kept repeating that he scolded him, cursed at him. Hamin interrupted with a laugh.

“I remember, Kim Hyunwoo.”

-You remember?

“Yeah.”

-It’s nothing much, but could we meet sometime? I have something to talk about.

While thinking casually about how he got his number and who gave away someone’s personal info, Hamin raised his eyebrows at the unexpected words. Kim Hyunwoo was never someone devoted to study, so if he said he had something to talk about, it was probably…

“Do you need a lawyer?”

-It’s not that. Let’s meet and talk.

He said no, but Hamin was convinced. Otherwise there was no reason to contact him.

Hamin had never once moved for connections, but if Kim Hyunwoo really asked him for defense… maybe he would do it once.

For someone who hated wasting time, it was a bold thought. Especially when he had spent his days filling public service hours with donations instead of pro bono work.

Tapping the can against his lips, Hamin answered.

“Fine. Next Thursday morning at 8. That work for you?”

-What? Why not just meet now? And what kind of time is 8 a.m.? Who meets then?

“I don’t have time. My pay is counted by the minute. Can you cover that?”

After that reply, the phone was quiet for a moment. Then curses came through, calling him rude since he was young, saying he thought only he was busy and should fix that habit.

It wasn’t even funny, but Hamin chuckled. Maybe because all he had heard lately was harsh talk, even this petty chatter felt welcome. This must be why people value hometowns, childhood friends.

A free defense. I can do that once.

After all, laughter was something money couldn’t buy. It had been a long time since he enjoyed it.

Up to that point, Hamin thought of it lightly.