CEL 24

“You’re really weird these days.”

“Am I?”

The casual reply made Woojin’s eyes wrinkle in a grimace. It wasn’t just something to say, Han Jaeha really had been strange lately.

At first, Woojin thought that strange senior was bothering Jaeha. He came to someone who already looked troubled, kept insisting they eat together every day, pestered him, and said odd things. So it was absurd, but it wasn’t irritating. Recently, it was different.

To be exact, it wasn’t the stalker who had changed, it was Han Jaeha. Jaeha’s attention was starting to lean toward that strange man.

Woojin, who had watched Han Jaeha for years by his side, found that change extremely bizarre.

The gaze that had always been measured and kind sometimes turned cold, sometimes indifferent, and sometimes tilted with amusement. That was really, really, really strange.

And the most humiliating part was that he wasn’t the one who caused that change in Jaeha. These days, no matter what gathering he went to, everyone only talked about how Han Jaeha had changed a little.

Hearing from others that Jaeha had gone to the clinic for asthma, or that he had been seen alone in a cafe with that strange senior, felt dirtier than he expected. On top of that, when someone added, “Ah, so Woojin, you don’t know either?” it was always hard to hide how heat rose all the way up his scalp.

Fuck. I’m the closest one to Han Jaeha. What the hell do they know, running their mouths like that?

So of course it was natural that his insides kept burning up. Once his frustration spilled out, it came without end.

“You don’t come to drinking parties, you barely answer calls. When class ends, you just leave right away.”

His unusual tone made Jaeha’s eyes turn to Woojin. His face wasn’t showing worry or concern, it was covered with anger, restlessness, and anxiety.

For Choi Woojin, who usually held back, it seemed he had finally snapped.

Jaeha blinked slowly. He knew that action would make the other anxious, but it wasn’t easy to pull back once his thoughts had strayed.

If I tell him not to bother me here, how would he react?

Thinking he would just stand in front of him and call him crazy or out of his mind was too naïve.

He would probably use every connection he knew to insult me and pin filthy rumors on me. Choi Woojin was exactly that kind of petty person.

After that, the carefully cultivated image would crack quickly. That’s how things in the world always were. Building took effort, destroying was easy. People shouldn’t only curse those who lived simply.

He fiddled with a sketch pencil. It was so thin it looked like it could break with just a little pressure.

“Why aren’t you answering? You know you’ve been hard to reach these days? Do I really have to say this shit?”

At the nagging voice, he lifted his head. A few classmates who hadn’t left the lecture hall and were watching this way met his eyes. His breath suddenly caught, but it was something he was sickeningly used to.

His tight lips moved slowly.

“Sorry, I’ve been a bit distracted lately. Should we have a get-together after exams?”

“What… you’re going to smooth it over with that?”

Despite his words, Woojin’s fierce face softened. From the start, it looked more like venting than really wanting to argue over right and wrong, so even a light apology was enough to ease his mood.

“Anyway, pay more attention from now on. I’m disappointed.”

Even as he grumbled, relief filled one side of his heart. With a face saying, ‘Of course,’ he stuck out his lips and kicked at an empty chair leg for no reason. Woojin, who had been holding his bag strap tightly, loosened his hold and asked again.

“Who are you going to invite? Should we just make it a whole second-year Western painting department party? I’ll post the notice.”

Jaeha only nodded as he watched Woojin fiddle with his phone, already excited, he said “Sure.” There was no need to waste time on a problem that could be solved with money.

At the same time, he wondered what Seo Hamin would have said here.

Maybe, “So what,” or, “What exactly are you trying to say?” No, more likely he wouldn’t even answer such nonsense and would just walk out. Thinking of his already aloof eyes lifting higher, Jaeha found himself smiling unconsciously.

“What’s on the menu? Should we eat meat?”

Woojin couldn’t hold back even for that short while and pulled down Jaeha’s mood. Meeting the greed piled up in his gaze, Jaeha suddenly felt sick. Even so, he answered with his usual smile.

“Shall we?” There was no choice.

He wasn’t Seo Hamin, and he didn’t have the courage to quit the role he had been given.

‎

‎

Lying in bed, he looked at the dark phone screen. There was a message he was waiting for, but it wasn’t time for a reply yet.

Hamin usually replied at fixed times. When he woke up in the morning, when he ate, when he rested, before he went to sleep.

Seo Hamin was someone who didn’t know the meaning of rest, so even in a whole day the chances to exchange messages were five or six at most.

A person calculated to an extreme.

From his own perspective, lying blankly in bed while putting off what needed to be done, it was a pattern of behavior he couldn’t understand.

Doesn’t living like that… feel suffocating?

But if he asked, he would only nag him like an old man. Seo Hamin spoke like an old man, had the taste of an old man, but only his face looked young.

The difference between his personality and appearance made Jaeha laugh to himself, he saw his phone suddenly light up. Eyes shining, he checked the screen, then stiffened into a blank expression. It was an unwelcome call after a long time.

He held his thumb above the air to stall for time, but the call never ended first. In the end, Jaeha swallowed a sigh and pressed the answer button.

“Hello.”

–Hello, so you do pick up. How are you doing?

“I’m fine.”

–Been painting well these days?

There wasn’t anything funny in the sentence, his half-brother’s loud laugh already tired him out.

Calls with Heo Juyeop were always like this.

He bragged about what he had, belittled what Jaeha had, and listed out his pitiful situation one by one to patch up his own ruined pride.

Since Jaeha didn’t think of himself as pitiful, Juyeop’s words never really hit him, but only he didn’t realize that.

Pathetic bastard.

If lacking awareness counted as pitiful, then it was pitiful.

This time, bragging about how many percent of shares he was going to get from Mulsan, how he had gotten a house in Gangnam, he finally brought up the real subject only when Jaeha’s eyes were almost closing.

–Dad said to set up a dinner with you for once, since it’s been a while….

Jaeha breathed out a soundless sigh and swallowed. Even dragging out the end of the sentence couldn’t erase what was hidden behind it. It meant don’t come. Jaeha easily gave the answer he wanted.

“Sorry, I’m busy so I don’t think I can go. Please tell father for me.”

–Alright. Don’t go sticking your nose into things you don’t have the talent for. Just keep painting. That’s already more than you deserve.

“Okay.”

Satisfied with the meek answer, he hung up without a goodbye. Jaeha didn’t lower the phone from his ear but instead closed his eyes quietly.

Heo Juyeop said he was the talentless one, but in truth the one who had shown more talent for studying or business was himself. That had been the case from a very young age. Even with three years between them, he was quicker than Juyeop, and Juyeop, before his brain had even finished developing, was already jealous of him.

He learned around then that a child’s jealousy could only be considered cute when the two were on equal ground. The difference between an illegitimate child hidden away and the son of the legal wife was exactly that.

But what gripped his throat wasn’t those things. Not Juyeop, not his father, not the position of being an illegitimate son.

Those things really meant nothing. What truly drove him to the edge was something else.

One by one, things he had forgotten came back. Something sticky seemed to grab his ankles and drag him down. It groped his bones with rough strength, pressed against his nape, and choked his breathing.

He sat up. As if it were the most natural thing, he went to his desk and picked up a pencil.

He set a white sheet of drawing paper in the middle and drew aimlessly. The more his hand moved, the harder it became to breathe. The lines he drew on the paper felt alive, as though they were really squeezing his neck.

“… Is this also some kind of mental illness?”

He wondered if driving himself into extremes could be considered a type of illness, but there was no way to know the truth.

In the meantime the day ended. The sunset faded, and the room without lights turned dark.

It felt like something was chewing on his head. It was a familiar feeling.

•••

The exhausting final exams finally ended.

Hamin let out a long sigh as if he wanted to spit out all the fatigue. It wasn’t that suddenly studying had become hard. What confused Hamin was the constant contact with Han Jaeha, more than five or six times a day.

He thought he had gotten used to exchanging messages without any special reason, but being pestered to meet right after exams ended was tiring in a new way.

Hamin ignored the message that popped up at the top, and headed straight to a PC cafe. Originally he planned to take his time looking, but because of Jaeha’s constant pestering, he wanted to find a part-time job quickly.

When he went down to the basement, where he rarely had reason to go unless he had assignments, the space that smelled faintly of cigarettes welcomed him. Maybe because it was an odd hour, there weren’t many people.

He found a spot in the corner, put down his bag, and turned on the computer. Just as he was about to register on a job site, his phone suddenly buzzed with a long vibration.

Another call from Jaeha?

With a slightly tired look he glanced at the screen, but fortunately the caller was Kim Hyunwoo.

“What?”

–Since when did a universal greeting like ‘hello’ get shortened to that?

“Hello.”

At Hamin’s reply, there was a short silence on the other end, then he heard a muttered curse. Hamin smirked as he scrolled, but it was harder than expected to find suitable conditions. If he had wanted a decent tutoring job, he should have started searching weeks ago.

While debating whether he should just take a convenience store job, an unexpected offer came.

–You said you were looking for tutoring, right?

“I am.”

–Our boss happens to be looking for someone to tutor his nephew, so he asked me to check with you.

“I don’t do elementary school tutoring.”

He said it while remembering all the talk about ‘my baby nephew’ he had listened to last time while getting his hair done.

Thanks to his chatty boss, Hamin had learned in that twenty minutes when Hyunwoo left the shop what color the kid liked, what food he ate well, and which animals he liked. Information he had absolutely no interest in.

–Hey, is this really the time to be picky? The boss is rich, the pay seems good. Want to do it?

“How much?”

–Four million won for working five days a week, four hours a day during summer vacation.

“Isn’t that too much?”

–There’s one condition though….

Surprised at the excessive amount for a college student with no experience, Hamin heard Hyunwoo add hesitantly.

~Get your hair done every two weeks.

What kind of condition is that?

Hamin paused.

It felt less like tutoring was the point and more like wanting to cut his hair but not being able to, so attaching it as a package deal.

Why does he keep obsessing over my hair?

Honestly, he didn’t care if he shaved it bald or dragged it on the floor, but getting that much attention made him uneasy.

–You should’ve just come when he called. His skills are fine.

“I’m tired.”

–He says you’re his muse. Just do it… they’re paying a lot.

The keyboard clicked with every press. Even when sorted by highest pay, it was hard to find anything worth even half of the offer he had just received.

If I earn some money… maybe in the second semester I can eat somewhere better.

Thinking of those round light-brown eyes asking, “Sunbae, are you sick?” made him laugh.

“When?”

–July 19. He says vacation starts then.

He rested his chin in his hand, scrolling down and up meaninglessly. On the other end of the phone, Hyunwoo kept talking without pause about all the reasons why he absolutely had to take this tutoring job. It seemed he had been pestered a lot. Anyway, since it was partly his own fault for suddenly showing up there, Hamin decided to give in.

“Send me the address.”

He shut down the computer, thinking he should pick up some workbooks on the way home.