CEL 28

A small needle-like thing poked his chest for an instant. It only pricked the skin lightly without drawing blood, then seemed to pull out again, before repeating again. He bit his lips.

The words about trading purpose for need irritated him a lot.

…Was he feeling guilty?

It felt worse than putting a child on the witness stand. He did not know why he felt this way, and was still confused when Han Jaeha suddenly grabbed his hand.

“Let’s go on a date.”

He could not refuse those words because the eyes looking back at him seemed a little different than usual. Something in the soft curve of his eyes made him think of someone else.

And now. Hamin put strength in his steps, regretting a little that he had followed Han Jaeha so easily.

“I hate this.”

“You swiped just fine for a 300 million won car.”

“I told you I knew it wouldn’t work.”

“Just hurry and pick one. Doesn’t this look good on you?”

“It doesn’t.”

He flatly denied it and glared at the million-won shirt Jaeha held up. If he had known a twenty-one-year-old boy’s idea of a date was like this, he never would have followed him. Seeing him walk into a department store and check luxury brand shops first made his head go blank. Did he not think of just eating a meal and going to a cafe?

The whole scene looked like something straight out of an eight-thirty weekday drama. His hands and feet curled from embarrassment until he was sick of it. There were too many people around for him to curse out loud, but in his mind he had already mumbled something similar more than once.

“But why do you only wear things like that, sunbae?”

“Like what?”

“A bit… flashy?”

What he really wanted to say was ‘trash-like,’ but Jaeha swallowed that and asked with his real thought hidden.

Jaeha had not planned to spend the date this way. He only saw the department store on the way, noticed the purple shirt Hamin wore, and thought his disgusted reaction would be funny.

He knew this behavior would lose points rather than earn them, but honestly, it was too funny to stop.

Seo Hamin’s reaction was just too funny.

When Jaeha lifted a blazer that was twice as expensive for no reason, Hamin frowned and then answered late.

“Because I’m jealous.”

The unexpected answer made Jaeha tilt his head.

“Jealous of what?”

“I copy because I’m jealous.”

Hamin looked away after saying it. Speaking it out loud made it sound childish.

Not many people could keep trying after repeated failure. In that sense, Liriel Wecker was an unusual person. Unlike him, who put hidden meaning into every action and grew anxious fearing a twisted future, he acted differently. Whenever he recalled him, he felt he was foolish, and at the same time he felt a bit of jealousy.

Even now it was the same. In this life he got back, he was curious about Han Jaeha’s secret, but he could not put that as his only priority. He had too many desires, too many fears.

He did not want to lose anything, and he did not want to cling to something unpredictable. Even if others called it pathetic, it was something he could not do. He knew better than anyone that he would never change.

So what else could he do but accept it?

Wearing clothes that looked flashy would not change him. Even so, wearing things he would never normally touch made him feel a little better. Even if it was just a passing thing.

“If I wear at least a similar color, it feels a little better.”

“…Sunbae, you’re mistaken.”

For once, Jaeha’s face looked serious. Hamin thought he might say something to comfort him, so he tried to reply he was fine, but Jaeha spoke faster.

“The color isn’t the problem, it’s the shape.”

“…What?”

“The color did nothing wrong. Your fashion sense is the worst.”

Right after, Jaeha paid for several pieces of clothing in different colors and handed them over. He had no chance to stop him.

Hamin looked dumbfounded at the shopping bags stuffed in both hands, and then Jaeha, who had disappeared, came back suddenly holding ice cream in both hands. He shoved half the load back into Jaeha’s arms, and vanilla ice cream landed in his free hand. It made him wonder if he had done this sort of thing more than once.

It was a very systematic move.

Seeing Hamin stumbling, unable to handle what happened all at once, Jaeha held back his laughter. To him, Seo Hamin was someone others might envy, not someone who would feel jealousy.

Jealousy, inferiority. A person who seemed the farthest from such negative feelings was saying this, and it felt mismatched to the point of dissonance.

Maybe bafflement won over gloom, because the fleeting emotion that had crossed Hamin’s face disappeared without a trace.

“So do you feel better after changing clothes?”

“No.”

“Good. If you had said you felt better, it would’ve been a bit overwhelming.” Jaeha chuckled at the slant of his raised brow, then bit into the ice cream.

“Isn’t it fine right now too?”

“What is?”

“You.”

How was he supposed to be fine? Hamin frowned, but Jaeha only muttered in a serious tone, “It seems fine though.”

“You’ll be someone others envy too.”

“What kind of crazy person would?”

After finishing the ice cream in four bites, Jaeha pointed at himself with his index finger. The ridiculous act made a small laugh slip out.

“Go and refund this.”

“Who refunds a gift?”

He ignored the grumbling and pushed more of the load onto him. Jaeha changed the subject with a displeased look.

“By the way, how long do I have to keep calling you sunbae?”

“Until you’re in a higher year than me.”

“Are you kidding? Can’t I call you hyung instead?”

“No.”

“Hamin-hyung.”

His expression when he said that was gentle. His eyes curved until the pupils disappeared, and his white teeth showed in a bright smile.

Hamin only glanced at him once without changing his expression. It was admittedly a very handsome face, but that was all.

“Not funny.”

“If you wanted to joke, wouldn’t a different title be better?”

“Like what?”

He replied carelessly while eating the ice cream that was starting to melt.

“Lawyer?”

He hadn’t said it with any great meaning. He had suddenly pictured a much older Han Jaeha, and that reminded him of the title Jaeha often used. Hamin himself hadn’t expected the reaction.

“Lawyer.” The voice was low.

The weight of the meaning inside made his chest stir.

Hamin blankly turned his head to look at him. Behind the faint smile Jaeha now wore overlapped the dim face of someone else.

“Lawyer Seo Hamin.”

Thud.

Hamin dropped the ice cream.

Jaeha bent his knees, took a handkerchief from his pocket, and cleaned up the mess. He looked at Hamin’s dazed face with doubt.

Was he tired?

Maybe he had dragged along someone who was exhausted from tutoring. Seeing Hamin’s breathing grow faint, his gaze unable to stay fixed, and his body trembling, Jaeha spoke carefully.

“I’ll take you home.”

Hamin nodded stiffly. After that, it seemed some words were exchanged, but he honestly could not remember clearly. When he came to his sensed, he was at home, and the clothes Jaeha had bought, which he had told him to refund, were piled in a corner of his studio. It felt like someone had cut out the middle of his memory.

He sat on the mattress and buried his face in his hands. The confused feelings refused to settle.

From the moment he realized he had turned twenty-four, thoughts had occasionally surfaced. A fundamental doubt: did he really have to become a lawyer?

The first reason he had wanted to be a lawyer was because he wanted to show a proud image to Minjae, who had trusted him. He had wanted to change injustice, and he had believed he really could.

But Hamin now knew his future. Even after years, he would not become a proud adult. And the one child he had wanted to look proud for no longer existed in the world. What sometimes drew his weakening heart was the cowardly instinct of fearing a fall.

Late at night, when he opened a book and insect cries buzzed in his ears, pointless thoughts wandered.

One day he had walked into an office nobody welcomed him in and taken harsh curses all over his body. Another day he had made guilty someone walk free, cutting into his own conscience. All of it was memories that made his stomach churn.

The more time he spent with Han Jaeha, the more weak thoughts rose. Playing around, laughing, eating meals together, those times were better than he expected. If he did not hold himself steady, he would end up finding reasons why it was fine not to become a lawyer.

That was certainly how it was…

‘Lawyer Seo Hamin.’ He remembered that low voice.

Those three words made his heart swell ridiculously. He wanted to hear it again, in the voice he had known.

The funny thing was, that one phrase made him want to do that wretched thing all over again.

“Ridiculous…”

Even to himself, the situation was absurd, and he let out a dry laugh. No matter how he thought about it, he was not in his right mind.

He closed his eyes and lay down. The cheap mattress rattled noisily under him, making his body shake.

•••

“Maybe it’s better to just give up on math…”

Hamin muttered while recalling Doyoung sweating bullets as he solved problems. The number of wrong answers he made matched exactly the drops of sweat he shed. In other words, it was countless.

Subjects that only required memorization were going fine, but math was the problem. If only he had aimed for a university that didn’t need math scores, but of all things he wanted Korea University.

Would he get a proper grade if he started cramming math all night from now on?

While sorting out next week’s curriculum in his head as he walked, a familiar face suddenly appeared.

“Sunbae.”

Hamin glanced around. Before he knew it, he was near his own house. Because of the hot weather, sweat was beading on his forehead. He seemed to have been waiting quite a while.

What kind of stalker-like behavior is this?

“You can’t do this.”

He spoke seriously.

Han Jaeha never left him alone whenever he tried to keep distance. He had expected that much, but coming all the way to his house was another matter.

“Sunbae, you can’t do that either.”

“What?”

“You left me alone.”

He had ignored Jaeha’s messages for only two days, but Hamin gave up trying to argue.

The look in his eyes carried genuine hurt, and nothing he said would reach him.

“You said we’d meet twice a week.”

“I didn’t say I’d contact you twice a week. And if you don’t contact me, how are we supposed to set a time to meet?”

“We met once already.”

Hamin laughed at Jaeha, who shoved his hands into his pockets with an annoyed face.

“You call this once? Then hang out with me now.”

“Do what?”

“Is there anything you want to do, sunbae?”

I want to rest.

Jaeha ignored the expression on Hamin’s face and fiddled with his phone, fussing while searching for a place. Suddenly the screen filled with blue, and the name ‘Choi Woojin’ appeared.

“You don’t have to answer it?” Hamin asked, also looking at the screen. Jaeha reluctantly pressed the button.

“…Hello.”

-What are you doing? I’m drinking, want to come?

“No, I already have plans.”

-Yeah? Ah, we’re going to the beach next week, you’ll come to that right?

“Sorry, that might be difficult.”

At Jaeha’s reply, silence fell on the other end. The kind of silence that made even a bystander feel uncomfortable.

-Is your plan today also with that sunbae?

“…That’s…”

-Hey, from what Seyeon-sunbae said, that guy’s no good. Why do you keep hanging out with someone like that? Do you want to catch loser disease or something?

“…Choi Woojin.”

-What? Why do you keep taking care of such a pathetic guy? He drags you down. Or bring him along at least.

Jaeha’s voice dropped, but the other didn’t notice and just kept spewing words.

The hand holding the phone tightened, and his displeased face turned cold. Hamin watched him with a curious feeling.

So he reacts to childish words like this.

He should only get angry when he himself was treated like a pushover, but seeing him aim his anger at the wrong place, Hamin snatched the phone away. Jaeha’s eyes widened at the sudden move.

“Hi.”

-…What the..

“Choi Woojin?”

-Who are you? Where’s Han Jaeha?

“They call me Seo Jjintta.” (Jjintta=loser, pathetic person, socially hopeless)

-…What?

Hamin answered leisurely.

“I’ll come drink.”

-What?

“I said I’ll come drink. Send me the location.”

-…What?

Hamin let out a small laugh as he listened to the repeated “What?“s like a broken radio. He had already been annoyed anyway, so this was better.

He knew this kind of person well. The type who used others for their own benefit and didn’t even know it was shameful.

“See you later.”

Hamin cut the call. Jaeha’s lips parted as he watched him. Under the blazing sunlight, his black pupils sparked.

What kind of person is he?

The way he voiced his argument without hesitation kept circling in Jaeha’s head. The more he recalled it, the more heat gathered in his face.

And even called himself Seo Jjintta.

The way the word rolled in his mouth was too harmful. He clenched and opened his fist blankly, trying to calm down, when Hamin handed the phone back.

“You’re not upset about what I said to your friend, right?”

“You know he’s not my friend.”

Jaeha frowned. Hamin’s eyes curved as he smiled, and Jaeha found it absurd.

So he’s not interested in me?

If he was doing this without any thought, that was an even bigger problem. It meant he could act this way with anyone.

With a restless heart, he looked at his pale face. Meanwhile, Hamin tugged at his collar saying, “Let’s go quickly.” Jaeha unconsciously sighed.