CEL 39

Their busy daily lives continued.

Maybe because they had been neglectful during vacation, there were quite a few people grumbling. Handling each of them reduced the time to contact Hamin. Last week he had sent a text about every ten minutes, but this week the texting interval had increased to three times longer.

Class is boring 10:28 PM

He didn’t immediately receive ‎a reply. Since Hamin did not look at his phone during class, it would probably come about an hour later.

Because they had shared schedules before the semester started, his phone already had Hamin’s schedule saved. It was his favorite photo in the gallery recently.

Woojin glanced at him, unable to hold himself from laughing while he looked at his phone.

“..You said you’re taking Psychology of Human Relationships.?”

“Yeah. Why?”

Yeah, why? Look at him.

Woojin quietly fumed inside. On the surface, Han Jaeha did not seem much different. Other than meeting a little less often after that incident, he was the same as usual, and this semester again they were taking most of the same classes.

If he had not heard that he paid money to get into Psychology of Human Relationships, he would have thought so. When he had suggested it back then, Han Jaeha did not even listen, but the moment he heard that crazy law student was taking the class, Woojin’s neck had gotten stiff.

He had many things he wanted to argue, but he suppressed them and answered.

“…You could’ve told me. Then I would have signed up too.”

Jaeha glanced at Woojin’s face. After that incident, Choi Woojin had become fairly quiet. Sometimes he threw him resentful looks because Jaeha did not take his side, but it was obvious he was trying to cover it up and think positively, probably because of what he had received until now.

Jaeha suddenly thought all of it was a little bothersome.

Lately Jaeha had been struggling to hold back sudden impulses. He even thought maybe he should just throw all of this away. He had never thought that before.

“Yeah, but we’re still taking other classes together.”

“…Well, that’s true. Oh, the bike club people asked if you’re not coming again.”

“I’m not even a member. Why would I go twice. That’s just being a burden.”

The unexpected refusal made Woojin’s chest swell then deflate. Since that last drinking party, he had felt uneasy because the club members casually brought up Han Jaeha.

Doesn’t he want to join the club, can’t he come at least for a get-together, even saying if he can’t ride a bike it’s fine to put on training wheels.

Fuck, if they like Han Jaeha that much, they should say it themselves.

In the end, since they knew they would get rejected, they just poked at him because he seemed easier, which made him furious. On top of that, they did not even care about him and only looked for Han Jaeha, so nothing felt right.

Even Seyeon-sunbae, whom he had liked after Yejin, kept bringing up either Han Jaeha or Seo Hamin, so lately just hearing the ‘h’ of Han Jaeha’s name made his stomach turn.

“Or at least give me a card.”

Maybe because he felt ashamed saying it himself, both of Choi Woojin’s cheeks turned a little red.

“You used to do that sometimes. That one, the green one.”

It was not wrong. When he really had no mood to go along, Jaeha sometimes gave Woojin a card to get out of the situation. There was no need to make something complicated when it could be solved with money.

The card he used to lend him was the only one in his wallet with a limit under five million won. The very same card that Seo Hamin had returned to him not long ago.

By coincidence, that card had ended up back in his hand recently and now sat quietly in Jaeha’s wallet. So if he did not want things to get bigger, the easiest way was to just hand over the card and send Choi Woojin away.

“Hurry up, the others are waiting.”

Jaeha touched the wallet in his pocket and fell into thought for a moment.

Diligent and upright. Look like a good kid to anyone, but not too conspicuous.

Anything that could spark bad rumors was always forbidden for him.

The person who said that especially hated making money-solvable matters into big problems. Back before he got used to it, he had been slapped a few times for small mistakes.

‘Didn’t I tell you not to get cursed at over pocket change. Is that so hard?’

On top of the severe voice, Seo Hamin’s overlapped.

‘Jaeha-ya.’

It was only three syllables.

He did not explain the reason he should do it, nor did he coax or comfort him. But ridiculously, those three syllables pushed him to bring out courage he had never managed before.

“Giving a card to someone else…”

The corners of his lips, always slightly raised, fell stiffly, but for the first time, he did not care about such little things.

“…I heard it’s illegal.”

At that moment, a small sound reached his ear. A sound like something hard had cracked.

‎

‎

It had been a long time since he felt good even when he was alone at home.

He wiped the water from his hair with a towel. The sound of cloth brushing against hair was brisk.

A smile he could not hide spread on Jaeha’s lips. It was because he kept remembering the image of Choi Woojin blinking stupidly with his palm held out.

The mix of disbelief and reproach in his look had not felt as stinging as expected. Just because someone hated him, the world did not collapse, and the figure from his memory did not suddenly stand up and confront him. Instead, it only felt refreshing, like a cool leaf had rubbed across his heart.

He wanted to brag to his sunbae quickly.

He sat on the bed and picked up his phone. He wondered for a long time whether to call or to text, but in the end he did nothing and flopped down. He wanted to talk face to face if possible.

“I want to see Seo Hamin.”

But even if he said let’s meet now, the reply would clearly just be something like, why would I? After being flipped over a few times by that maddening face, he no longer even tried.

He covered his eyes with his forearm and sighed. He unconsciously smiled. He thought of someone who would be spinning a pen between his middle and ring fingers while studying, and he could not help but smile.

The truth was that Jaeha was as busy as Hamin, but he no longer felt as desperate as before. Without knowing it himself, Hamin always had the ability to make the things suffocating him feel endlessly lighter.

He put both hands down. His field of vision filled with the plain ceiling. Sometimes, lying in a dark room staring at the ceiling, he would wonder whether he was really alive. With his hand resting on his stomach, breathing shallowly, he would start to think maybe life itself was nothing more than a delusion. For him, whether life was real or a dream did not matter anyway.

The first time that thought wavered was after he met Seo Hamin. Watching someone who pushed forward more fiercely than anyone else, he for the first time saw the line in front of him, saw himself trapped inside a circle drawn around him.

For someone who had lived inside all his life, stepping out of the circle with only his own will was not easy.

Should I try going just a little farther?

Should I take just one step forward?

He thought like that, but even stretching his leg forward was not easy. Yet for the first time, he stepped on the line.

Some might say it was nothing, but to him it was a bigger change than the world shattering.

He was grinning to himself like a lunatic when his phone suddenly rang. The vibration gave him a bad feeling.

“You said you held back a long time.”

He looked expressionless at the name filling the screen. It seemed he could no longer ignore it.

•••

“I’ll guide you to room 15.”

He followed the staff who spoke in a calm voice down a winding path. Even though he had been walking this way for years, every time it felt unpleasant, like someone was clutching at his calves.

He entered the room. He naturally sat down and watched the staff bow slightly and leave as if they were accustomed to it.

The splashing sound of the artificial small waterwheel filled the quiet room. His head ached. But compared to the noise that would come later, this was nothing.

When will this useless family play finally end?

He lowered his eyes and waited for time to pass. The ticking of the clock continued for a long time, but no one opened the door. It was familiar, so he just clenched and opened his palm over and over while waiting. The door opened an hour later.

The people chatting behind the sliding door shut their mouths the moment it opened.

One person looked at him warmly, two others made it clear they were bothered.

“It’s hard to see your face.”

“Sorry, I’ve been a bit busy these days.” His role was obvious, so his answer was fixed.

Even at his meek answer, his father frowned faintly as he sat down. Three of them sat on the same side, and he faced them alone, and though he had not eaten anything yet, it already felt like he had an indigestion.

Soon the empty table filled with food. Looking at the familiar side dishes laid before him, he inwardly sighed.

How do they not get tired of this after years?

The meal continued quietly. Since they were not people who would exchange warm words, it was easier for both sides. The first to break the silence was Heo Juyeop.

“Your grades dropped this semester, didn’t they?”

Jaeha unconsciously turned his eyes as he mocked his grades he had not even told them. Maybe because the stare was too much, his father coughed a few times before pretending nothing was wrong and spoke.

“Do you know how much Juyeop and your aunt worry about you?”

“…Do they?”

“Maybe not as much as Juyeop, but you should at least be average.”

Heo Juyeop’s shoulders rose instantly to his ears, his life achievement was early graduation. There was still nothing in Korea that money could not solve, and Heo Juyeop was a thorough beneficiary of the capitalist age.

An idiot who could not even hide his expression at empty words.

That began Juyeop’s natural bragging. About how amazing the eldest daughter of TZ Electronics he was dating was, about the influence his team members had in the industry, and so on. Listening to words that praised everyone around him but not himself, Jaeha smiled faintly.

Does he realize that the more he talks like that, the more pathetic he looks?

Probably not. That was why he spoke without awareness, not noticing his parents’ expressions stiffening.

He glanced at his aunt, who had stopped her chopsticks and was looking at her son with displeasure. When he narrowed his eyes, she noticed and small wrinkles formed on her forehead. But then her lips, which had been slanted, straightened into a smile. As if she had never shown displeasure, she regained composure, and he reluctantly set his spoon down.

“How about going to Jeju Island during winter break? With your friends.”

“…Jeju Island?”

“There’s that villa in Jeju. Juyeop received it this time. You should enjoy some benefit from your brother too.”

He blinked blankly. It was not that he was shocked or felt betrayed. He just missed the chance to react because he was turning over in his mind the image of someone he had not thought of in a long time.

…So it ended up going to Heo Juyeop.

His mother, who had not been especially greedy, had only ever wanted that villa in Jeju. A place where, if you opened the door, you saw a white sandy beach, and from the second floor terrace you saw a sky full of stars.

A small stone rolled around in his chest. The fact that, of all times, they had given the villa in Jeju, not anything else, made it obvious it was meant to show him. No, it was certain.

Why do these people go this far?

The malice he felt on his skin stung. He had no will to fight from the beginning, but their constant actions, always ready with a knife and stabbing without hesitation, made him feel suffocated.

He lowered his gaze, feeling weary. Being among people he could never break into suddenly felt suffocating.

“Did I give you something hard to do? All you have to do is live properly, why can’t you do that?!”

Telling someone not proper to act proper, that’s why.

He remembered his mother beating his arms and back while crying.

That felt filthy.