CEL 4

Two hectic weeks passed after the critique class ended. His eyes ached from the nights he spent in the practice room and studio as if it were his daily routine.

He was filling the nail holes where the paintings had hung when a sunbae with short hair spoke.

“Jaeha, your painting and presentation were really impressive.”

“Thank you, sunbae. I liked your painting too.”

In truth, he didn’t even remember what she had painted, but he replied out of courtesy. He gave compliments like how the colors were harmonious or the lines smooth, things you could stick onto any painting without it sounding strange. But the other person didn’t seem to take it as empty words, and her face brightened.

“Are you coming to the afterparty tonight? You’re done with exams too, right?”

“That’s true, but I have something to do at home today.”

“Everyone was looking forward to you coming.”

“I’ll make sure to attend next time.”

Normally he went to gatherings he wouldn’t usually go to if skipping them would make him stand out. But today he was really tired. It was mostly because of Woojin, who kept getting on edge, that he had spent more time in the practice room than in his officetel.

Maybe she realized from his tone that persuasion wouldn’t work, because she greeted him with a sullen face.

“Alright, but if you finish early, make sure you come, okay?”

He easily replied that he would at her regretful words. It was easy to soothe someone with words he didn’t mean.

“Yes, sunbae. I’ll tidy up your spot for you, so go ahead first. You should get a good seat. What if you end up sitting in front of some troublemaker again, like last time?”

When he deliberately covered his lips and chuckled playfully, her cheeks flushed red, unable to hide her happiness. Her expression showed how glad she was that he had remembered the details of the last drinking party and cared enough to mention it.

Remembering people was hard, but remembering situations was easy. Watching similar kinds of people mix and create comedy-like scenes at gatherings was at least entertaining.

He scoffed at the sunbae whose name he didn’t know, but having people around who were easy to read wasn’t all that annoying. After all, it meant things were going according to his plan.

There was only one thing in his recent life that didn’t go his way.

“Ah, but you haven’t had asthma attacks lately, right? The kids say the world looks gray without you around to please their eyes every day.”

“…Ah, yes.”

He struggled to keep his expression from slipping and forced his trembling lips into a smile.

Yes, the one and only thing that didn’t go his way.

That stalker law student.

It had already been two weeks since he last came to see him.

The more he recalled his last meaningful line, the worse he felt.

How on earth did he know?

He had never smoked outside his private studio, and even when he bought cigarettes, he deliberately went to distant corner shops where he was unlikely to run into anyone he knew. So it was nearly impossible for anyone else to know he smoked.

Words like stalking crime, kidnapping, serial murder circled in his head. He tried sticking Hamin’s pale face next to those words, like something from the nine o’clock news, but it didn’t match at all.

He couldn’t say he had known him long, or that they had talked much, but he was strangely convinced that at least he wasn’t that kind of person.

But even so, why? That question wouldn’t go away. His chest felt heavy and uncomfortable. So he decided that the next time they met, he would ask him about that day while pretending nothing was wrong.

He even thought up a natural line, “I’ve never smoked, who did you mistake me for?” But what he didn’t expect was that from that day on, Seo Hamin disappeared.

The first day he thought, is he busy? The second day, is something wrong? By the third day, when he still hadn’t seen those loud shirts, he started to feel something was strange.

Until just a few days ago, Seo Hamin had whispered “Let’s eat” to him with a perfectly normal face, but now he had vanished as if he had never existed in his world at all. It should have been a relief, but for some reason it irritated him and twisted his insides.

After finishing the cleanup and packing his things, he walked out, but again today, a subtle discomfort churned inside him. Like a hangnail under his nail, it was so bothersome he even thought of going to find him first and ask. But when he took out his phone, he realized he didn’t have Seo Hamin’s contact.

He had hundreds of contacts with names and faces that didn’t even match, yet hr didn’t have the stalker’s number.

“Ha.”

He laughed hollowly.

It was always the other person who arranged their meetings. When class ended, the door opened like clockwork, and Seo Hamin appeared with a expressionless face. No matter how hidden in a corner he was, his eyes always met Jaeha’s in an instant, and he approached to start a conversation. Now that he thought about it, meeting this often in the 21st century without even exchanging contact information was strange.

Their departments and school years were different, so the chances of running into each other on campus were low. Jaeha was more used to the practice rooms than the library, and he, a law student, was more used to flipping through books in silence.

So unless Seo Hamin came to find him, there was no real way for Jaeha to meet him. If he asked around, it was not impossible to find him, but…

Do I really have to go that far?

He wondered if he had given too much meaning to words that might not have meant anything at all. So maybe letting it go like this was not a bad way to end it.

He tried to comfort himself, but when he thought back on his strange behavior these past days, his chest tightened and he could not hide the rising feeling.

Normally, he was the first to leave the classroom after lectures, but ever since Seo Hamin stopped showing up, he sat there like some Pavlov’s dog, staring blankly at one spot.

Even when he heard Woojin say, “Aren’t you leaving?” it was hard to pull his eyes away from the busy door.

Thinking about the punctual stalker who had never been late even by a minute, he should have decided it was another wasted day. But he still sat in the empty classroom, staring at the door even after everyone else had left.

His recent exhaustion came from this.

The thought made his chest knot up again.

Was Hamin already tired of chasing him around?

He forced down the dirty look on his face and headed home, but before he reached the school gate, he saw a familiar back.

It was the yellow clothes that had been missing for the past two weeks.

“… Sunbae!”

He shouted before he could stop himself, he sounded relieved and irritated. The sudden loud voice made several people turn their heads, and among them, of course, was the sulky-faced stalker.

He will probably go “Oh,” like last time.

Thinking it was obvious, he tried to approach, but strangely this time Hamin was walking toward him faster. No, running? He wasn’t walking, he was running. Hugging a thick law textbook in his arms, Hamin ran straight toward him.

What kind of new gimmick is this?

He stood there stunned as he came up close. He had planned to ask first how he had found him, but when he saw his face, the words died in his throat. I had no choice.

Both cheeks were flushed red, his eyes carried excitement, and his expression looked anxious.

All of this was out of place on his usually expressionless face.

Why was he making that face all of a sudden?

Seo Hamin was gasping for air, his chest rising and falling. The book in his thin arm looked too heavy, and before he knew it Jaeha was about to reach out his hand.

“Is that a drawing in your bag?”

“…What? Yes…”

“Can I see it?”

His reply came a beat late, and my question came half a beat too early. I unconsciously nodded. I took the drawing out of my bag and held it out. His eyes, full of expectation, fixed on the canvas.

His dense black eyes landed on the drawing. It was nothing special, but it made me feel ticklish.

He thought “what is so special about showing a drawing…”

“Ah.”

His eyes, which had been filled with something, dimmed in an instant.

It looked like black ink falling on white water, or like dropping an object from the top of a tall building, that kind of change.

Jaeha read the disappointment that had settled into his eyes as they grew calm, and he lowered hid gaze. It was a drawing that had not strayed from his intention. It was for an assignment anyway, not something to admire or call a masterpiece, just another drawing like the rest.

Even so, Seo Hamin looked like a child who did not get a present on Christmas while everyone else did.

His hand holding the canvas tightened on its own. His behavior reminded Jaeha of someone he did not want to think of, and it twisted his insides.

Why do I have to feel this way?

His mouth stiffened. It felt like cold water was pooling in the center of his chest. It was just some lines on a piece of paper. Acting like it carried some deep meaning disgusted him.

Was this person also more interested in his drawing than in him?

Seo Hamin moved his eyes along the lines with a face he could not read. Jaeha suddenly lost all strength in his body.

He just felt a little empty.

Yeah well, it is not something he cannot understand. Thinking Seo Hamin had some big intention toward him was all his mistake, and maybe he was just an ordinary student interested in art. From the start, him with three piercings in one ear and him always carrying around thick law books did not look like people from the same world.

Yeah, from the very beginning.

He was someone who did not match with him.

Now that he knew the reason, he had no need to care anymore. Maybe his interest already faded too. So there was no need to waste feelings. If we just separated naturally like this and went back to being strangers, that would be enough.

“…I guess I don’t draw as well as you expected, sunbae.”

Contrary to what he was thinking a sarcastic remark came out of his mouth. He was startled at his real feelings slipping out through his lips, and then he met Hamin’s eyes as he lifted his head. His eyes, which always looked the same, widened round and blinked fast like he was startled.

“It is not because you draw poorly.”

“It is not?”

Maybe he noticed his sarcasm, because his face looked awkward. It made Jaeha feel even more pissed.

Yeah, people are all the same in the end.

He thought he might look a little different from the ones so transparent their insides made him sick, so he grew curious. Even though there was no way, he kept thinking maybe, what if, and made himself expect a next time.

But he was not any different.

His eyes, a bit wider than usual, kept glancing at him, and it looked disgusting. After a while his lips opened.

“I was rude. I am sorry for making you feel bad. But….”

He expected some excuse to follow.

He didn’t really say anything though. Honestly the drawing was not that good. Is it something to get that angry about?

Words that would lessen his fault and pass some to me.

Jaeha tried to cut him off before he heard them with his own ears and showed his disgust, but his answer was faster.

“I… like your drawing.”

Jaeha closed his mouth at the unexpected reply. The itchy line made him tilt his head and wonder if I had heard wrong.

Hamin hesitated a little. He did not look unsure, or lying to get out of the moment. It was more like he was realizing it himself as he said it.

“I mean it.”

His long eyelashes cast a shadow as his eyes landed back on the canvas. His gaze moving along the colors was so gentle it was hard to believe it was the same shabby stalker he had seen until now. For the first time, warmth spread over the face that had looked like ice rubbing against skin and eyes.

Did this guy know how to make a face like that?

He stared blankly at him. The curve of his lips looked strange.

What had felt like an iron skewer stabbing his insides suddenly turned into something like a feather. His soles tickled, and his gums pricked somewhere.

No one had ever made that face while looking at his drawings. The fact that the first person was this weird stalker gave him a strange feeling.

“It is my fault, I am sorry?”

At the perfect apology added on, he felt his mind calm down so much it was ridiculous. To be exact, it was more like he even forgot hr had been angry.

… What kind of guy is he?

His strength drained, and he slowly lowered his arm. As the drawing came down, his eyes followed it persistently and then he suggested,

“If you do not have plans, I will buy you a meal.”

Again with the meal.

His energy dropped, and fatigue washed over him. He just wanted to go home, bury himself in a soft blanket, and fall asleep.

But what came out of his mouth was the opposite of what he thought.

“…Let’s go.”

While they walked, Hamin kept stealing glances at the drawing. Seeing the obvious interest on his face, unlike before, made Jaeha a bit dumbfounded.

If he had reacted like this from the beginning, he wouldn’t have gotten angry for nothing.

He felt annoyed again and he moved the bag to his other arm. His insistent gaze followed it. It was ridiculous.

Jaeha expected that he would drag him to that crappy student cafeteria again, but Hamin walked straight out the school gate. Not that they went to a good restaurant either.

They went into a place where the paint on the sign had peeled so badly it almost read ‘Turtle Cutlet.’ With less than five tables, sitting down felt like he was filling the whole space.

“Two pork cutlets, please.”

“…You are not asking for my opinion?”

“They only sell this here.”

Why did I even follow him?

Jaeha rubbed his temple from the headache, and Hamin unexpectedly spoke to him.

“How have you been?”

“I have been fine.”

“Is studying going well?”

“So-so.”

The choppy conversation made him go silent for a while before he spoke again.

“Getting into college is not the end. Think about after graduation, and manage your grades well.”

It felt like he was talking with an uncle. Jaeha made a face that said “I’m hearing nonsense,” and he must have noticed too, because he looked embarrassed.

His big eyes scanned the small space, showing his awkwardness. He fiddled with his glass and kept drinking water for no reason, and then even scrunched his nose out of nowhere.

Jaeha guessed the meaning of the strange behavior and asked in disbelief,

“Sunbae, are you feeling awkward?”

“…A little?”

Doing all this when he was a stalker.

Jaeha hid his contempt and asked,

“How did you know I smoke?”

Maybe because his tension had loosened, the question came out honestly instead of what he had planned. After he said it he realized he had slipped, but he couldn’t take it back.

Hamin thought for a moment before answering.

“Because every time you look annoyed, you breathe like you are smoking.”

“What?”

“Your inhale and exhale look like smoking. I just guessed.”

“No, no. Not that. When did I look annoyed?”

“You are always annoyed.”

Their eyes met with a strange look.

He let out a pointless breath. Since meeting him, the only time he had shown annoyance was just now. Other than that, he was always kind, the same as with everyone else. Annoyed?