CEL 48

“Where did the two of them go? Ah! They sneaked off for a smoke?”

“…Restroom.”

He figured they probably wouldn’t come back anytime soon, but explaining felt like a hassle so he gave a short answer.

He watched Han Jaeha’s face. He looked more relaxed than expected. He thought he’d return looking more nervous, but he looked almost relieved. That made his own body go limp. Only then did he realize he had been just as nervous as Han Jaeha.

So what she said was right. It really feels like he gave birth to him.

That dumb thought made him reach for Jaeha’s cup and pour in alcohol.

“You told me not to drink.”

“It’s fine if an adult offers it.”

“Sunbae, seriously…”

Han Jaeha emptied the glass while shaking his head. Goo Chaewook, who was watching, started rocking his shoulders and complained about being the only one getting treated differently.

Hamin didn’t want to hear a grown man whining in baby talk, so he filled his own glass with soju and downed it. Chaewook pouted and picked up his phone.

“Hey, Ji Eun says we can go on ahead?”

“Why?”

“No idea. She said something came up.”

While the two looked confused, Hamin stood up with a face that showed he more or less got what was happening. Koo Chaewook clearly looked disappointed, but since Han Jaeha didn’t say anything either, he quietly packed his things and walked out.

Hamin glared when Han Jaeha reached toward the counter to offer his card. He scratched the back of his head with a black card still in hand.

“…I’ll pay. Just send it to me.”

Even though it sounded like a rehearsed line from a script, Koo Chaewook nodded. Han Jaeha was the only one looking uncomfortable.

“Alright. Leave the total in the group chat. Damn, we were supposed to go till round five. What a waste. This doesn’t count. We gotta meet again.”

“See you in class.”

Hamin’s reply made Koo Chaewook mumble a few complaints, but he hadn’t looked that hopeful to begin with.

He kept mumbling, something about how drinking this way made him more tired, how it was a letdown. After fiddling with his phone for a long time, he suddenly smiled.

“Nice! Found someone for round two. Ha, Hamin-hyung, see you next time!”

Hamin watched him walk away, then brushed off his clothes here and there. The smell of grilled meat clung all over him, maybe because the place hadn’t been ventilated properly.

Han Jaeha fanned the air lazily with his hand while watching him in silence.

“Let’s go home too.”

“Too bad. Can I come to your place, sunbae?”

“Why would you, when your own place’s right there?”

“Then why don’t you come to mine? You’ve never been, right?”

“Why would I?”

That familiar pattern made Hamin feel cautious. He hated these kinds of conversations, and he had never once managed to win against Han Jaeha.

The tactics always changed.

Sometimes Han Jaeha would drop his shoulders and act gloomy.

Sometimes he’d lift his eyes all cutesy and nag.

Sometimes he’d just grab Hamin’s wrist and drag him off without a word.

Even when Hamin gave him a look like, ‘Are you serious right now?’ Jaeha would throw back a look that said, ‘So what if I am?’ There was no winning against that.

Hamin was weak to Han Jaeha. And Han Jaeha knew that too well.

“Can’t we go together?”

Maybe today’s tactic was acting pitiful. Han Jaeha tugged at his sleeve and lowered his brows.

“No.”

He stood there thinking for a bit, then suddenly squatted down and hung his head.

“Ugh, whatever. If you don’t come with me, I’m not moving from here.”

Why does he keep getting more childish?

Hamin stared down at him with disbelief. Then Jaeha’s still head shook a little. It looked like he was embarrassed from the silence but didn’t want to lift his head either.

Hamin kept watching him, he was dumbfounded. Then his lips quivered as he laughed.

He quickly covered his mouth with his palm.

People walking by gave him weird looks. He knew he needed to pull Jaeha up fast, but he somehow couldn’t get himself to do it.

Meanwhile, Han Jaeha still hadn’t noticed he was laughing. His shoulders moved slightly. He was urging Hamin to pull him up already.

Is he really twenty-one? Feels more like eleven.

Maybe it felt weird not hearing any response. Jaeha started getting up slowly, brushing off his knees. That face looked like he already decided this attempt had failed.

Hamin couldn’t take it anymore. He burst out laughing.

“Ahaha, you really…”

“…Sunbae?”

“You… haha. Seriously, how old are you?”

Jaeha stared at him blankly with his mouth open while Hamin held his belly and continued laughing.

Why is he laughing?

All his white teeth showed and the corners of his mouth stretched wide to both sides. Hamin bent his waist a little, his eyes watering as he laughed. Jaeha’s mind went blank.

He had never seen Hamin laugh like that, so he even ridiculously wondered, could there have been drugs in the alcohol earlier?

After laughing for quite a while, Hamin wiped his teary eyes and spoke.

“Let’s go.”

“…To the police station?”

“What are you talking about. I said let’s go to your place.”

That line made Jaeha came to his senses. He scanned around. Sure enough, a few people startled by the loud voice looked over, then fixed their eyes on Seo Hamin’s face and whispered to each other.

In a hurry, Jaeha grabbed Hamin’s arm and pulled him toward the roadside. No taxis came by, so he kept clenching and unclenching his hand in nervousness. Hamin calmly lifted his phone.

“What’s your address? I’ll call a cab.”

“Ah, right. I have the app, I’ll call it.”

With the phone in hand, his fingers felt like they were beating with his heart. It wasn’t excitement but more like anxiety, and his thumb kept slipping.

“Not showing up?”

Hamin’s body, smelling of forest, leaned close and looked down at the screen. Jaeha felt his heart drop.

In the taxi, unlike usual, Jaeha said nothing. He couldn’t figure out why he was in a bad mood. While he worried over it, they arrived already. Too fast, Hamin thought, and asked with surprise.

“Couldn’t you have just walked here?”

“…Guess so.”

Looking at the fare barely over the base charge, Jaeha also seemed to have just realized it. He looked like someone missing a few screws.

They passed the secure entrance and stood at the front door. Hamin watched the four digits pressed in order and he frowned in disbelief.

“What’s with that password?”

“What about it?”

Their eyes met briefly, unable to understand each other, then parted. Hamin thought suddenly, it was a relief Jaeha lived in an expensive home. Otherwise everything would have been stolen already.

He shook his head and stepped inside. Aside from the plain password, the house had nothing special. Too clean, no trace of anyone living there, like a model house.

Though he was the one who invited him, Jaeha rubbed his nape again and again, maybe he was embarrassed.

“…Do you want to watch a movie?”

“Do whatever.”

They hadn’t drunk much anyway, so their heads were clear. Jaeha nodded, then added with an “Ah.”

“Do you want to brush your teeth? I bought you a toothbrush.”

“When did you expect me to come that you bought one?”

“I figured you’ll come here someday, so I bought it.”

Hamin shook his head as he heard that shameless line. He went into the bathroom, there was a toothbrush that really did look brand new in ‎a cup.

Jaeha naturally put toothpaste on it and handed it over. With the toothbrush in his mouth, Hamin thought, how long can this kind of situation last.

These days he felt too comfortable even with Han Jaeha putting toothpaste on his brush. But he feared that if he grew too used to this peace, the lack that would one day come would feel unbearable.

He looked at Jaeha brushing quietly with a celebrity-like face. Their eyes met, and Jaeha’s cool eyes curved. His pale forefinger poked Hamin’s cheek.

“Sunbae, rinse fi–mmph.”

Maybe he forgot he was also brushing. The foam spurted out mid-sentence, so Jaeha snatched the sink in a hurry. Seeing him rub his mouth in panic made Hamin laugh. He kept chuckling until the toothpaste slipped down his throat by mistake.

“Uh…”

He blinked blankly as he felt the compound slide into his stomach. Jaeha caught it and shouted.

“You swallowed it? Why would you eat that?”

“I wasn’t trying to eat it, I just laughed…”

“Rinse, now. Quickly.”

He made a fuss like Hamin had swallowed poison instead of toothpaste.

In the past he would have thought it was nothing but trouble. Now it didn’t feel so bad. Even while rinsing calmly he thought that Jaeha looked a little cute making such a fuss over nothing.

…Cute?

He froze, still bent over the sink. He forced that feeling out and rinsed his mouth.

He ignored Jaeha’s questioning gaze,m and sat on the sofa. Jaeha came over, wrapped his arms around his waist, and rubbed his face on Hamin’s collarbone.

“I smell like meat.”

“It doesn’t. Smells like forest.”

“That’s capitalism’s scent.”

“No it isn’t. You always ruin the mood.”

Hamin watched Jaeha pick a movie with the remote, then lifted up the messy sheets scattered across the table.

“Presentation notes?”

“Ah, yeah. I present next week.”

His eyes skimmed the text quickly. Finance management. He had taken that same class in second year.

Professor Park Jeongwoo’s class, right?

Overall not bad, but lacking impact. Hard to get an A+. Park Jeongwoo preferred something flashy over something clean.

No time to rewrite the notes now. Better to adjust the presentation.

He pointed at the middle.

“After this line, laugh.”

“Why?”

“Looks more confident. And when you deliver this line, look at the audience once.”

“Do you calculate all this when you present?”

Hamin nodded.

Of course. Social life is adjusting yourself to others. Reading what the other side wants quickly, that’s the basics.

Jaeha made a faint expression, then snatched the paper out of his hand.

“Want to come watch my presentation next week?”

Was that necessary?

He felt puzzled at the pointless proposal, but nodded. There was nothing difficult about that request.

Jaeha whispered thanks in an excited tone, then focused again on choosing a movie. Hamin stared at his serious look, then sank into the soft leather sofa. The whole house carried Jaeha’s scent, maybe that’s why he felt drowsy.

He scanned the living room. White wallpaper in cold tone, monochrome furniture, all suited his taste. Strange he never came till now.

While Hamin thought that, Jaeha fixed all his attention on him. His hand around the remote tightened.

These days Hamin’s mind felt impossible to read. It always had been, but it was worse recently. It looked like he had worries, but never said them.

Jaeha couldn’t demand to know. But each time it felt like someone was squeezing his lungs, cutting his breath short. Maybe he had annoyed him without knowing. Maybe Hamin had figured out something broken in him. That anxiety made him spend many sleepless nights.

The mote his feelings for Hamin grew, the more that anxiety and impatience grew as well.

But Jaeha hid his restlessness as always. He shoved his pitiful side deep inside, pulled out whatever looked intact and wore it like a mask.

“Should we watch this?”

Fortunately Hamin didn’t notice his state and nodded.

“Yeah.”

Jaeha curled up and rested his head on Hamin’s thigh. It must have felt heavy, yet Hamin’s pale palm tapped his shoulder softly.

He closed his eyes. And chased his anxious heart with one sigh.