CEL 5

“Sunbae, I think you misunderstood. I never got annoyed at you.”

“The food is here.” The timing was ridiculous.

Before he could make a proper excuse, two bowls landed on the table. Jaeha’s jaw opened slightly as he looked at them. He didn’t know why it was called Turtle Pork Cutlet, but the size was like a washbasin.

Shouldn’t they change the name to something like Basin Cutlet?

Leaving him flustered, Hamin poured a ton of sauce and soaked the cutlet. Watching him make it soggy enough to wonder why anyone would eat fried food that way, Jaeha lost his appetite.

“Eat.”

He reluctantly picked up the fork and knife. When he stabbed the knife in, the breading cracked with a crunch and scattered everywhere. Now that he looked, it wasn’t meat but just a lump of breading.

He cut the cutlet in silence and asked.

“But sunbae, why do you always come find me only at lunchtime?”

“I told you, to eat lunch.” Who asked that?

“That’s not what I mean. I kept refusing you in the beginning, right? Usually in that case, wouldn’t you ask about free time? Like suggesting dinner today, or saying let’s meet on the weekend?” He forced a smile as he held back his frustration, but what he received was an ordinary answer.

“Don’t have time.” …What?

“I said I don’t have time. Not in the evening, not on the weekend.” Jaeha blankly repeated Hamin’s words in his head.

It’s not “I don’t think you have time” but “I don’t have time.”

The subject of the sentence wasn’t someone else but himself. In other words, the one who didn’t have time was Seo Hamin.

So… if he unraveled Seo Hamin’s words, it meant he was busy, so the only time he had was lunch.

Then right now, when he came to see him, was it because this was the only spare time he had? And he didn’t arrange a separate meeting because he himself didn’t have time?

No, then… what, why…

Jaeha’s mouth only opened and closed in disbelief, and Hamin added.

“I’m busy. It was exam period.”

“I’m busy too.”

At Jaeha’s answer, Hamin’s small head tilted diagonally.

“That’s why I didn’t come.”

Jaeha lost his words. He hid his irritation and put the cutlet in his mouth, but then he heard an amused voice in front of him.

“You’re annoyed right now too.”

“I’m not annoyed.”

There was no reply, but Hamin’s expression was close to “I’ll take it as that.” Jaeha mumbled in complaint.

“You’re the one whose face shows everything.”

“Me?”

The hand that had lifted the cabbage salad stopped. He blinked twice as fast. His reaction looked like it was the first time he had ever heard such words.

“It shows on my face?”

“Yes.”

“I’ve never heard that before.” He was doing it right now, but what was he saying?

There was nothing as easy to read and at the same time as hard to read as Seo Hamin. Jaeha wondered if this too was one of his tactics, but while he wavered between doubt and hesitation, Hamin, who had been lost in thought, said with a gentle expression.

“Maybe it’s because I’m in front of you.”

His eyes were calm, without any ripple, Jaeha was the one who felt restless.

“…What do you mean by that?”

Unlike earlier, when Jaeha expected him to answer casually, he didn’t reply. He only said let’s just eat quickly and changed the subject, and the day’s conversation ended with that.

Jaeha thought while chewing the large cutlet pieces with crunching sounds.

He took back his words about Hamin being easy to read.

•••

When the cherry blossoms fell, the green got closer.

It felt like the whole world had turned into summer just from the green leaves on trees. The lighter clothes seemed to make even people’s hearts feel free, and everyone walking the streets had bright expressions.

Everyone except for one person, Jaeha.

“Let’s go eat.” No, two people.

Sitting by the cafe window, staring blankly outside while sketching, Jaeha quietly looked at the stalker law student who had suddenly invaded his daily life. At this point, such an entrance no longer surprised him, it tired him.

Since last time, it felt like a stone rattling around inside him had lost its direction and rolled out somewhere. Maybe being drained were the right words. Or maybe it was closer to giving up. Either way, when it came to dealing with Hamin, Jaeha no longer went through as many thoughts as before.

“I’m busy today.”

“Why?”

“I have an assignment. I have to submit 100 sketches.”

“What kind of assignment is that?”

Hamin quickly saw through the lie and scoffed, but when he saw Jaeha seriously moving his pencil, his face showed hesitation. Is it real? 100? His expression made it obvious that he was thinking that, and Jaeha inwardly mocked him.

He’s so naive, how could he ever become a prosecutor or a lawyer later?

After a short pause, Hamin sat down right next to him.

“How many should I draw for you?”

“You can draw?”

The hand that had been sketching without pause stopped, and Jaeha looked at the owner of the voice. There was no yes or no, so it was hard to grasp what he really meant.

Jaeha impulsively handed over the sketchbook and pencil. Then Hamin turned the pages with ease and held the pencil naturally. His form looked decent.

He leaned comfortably against the chair and moved the pencil. His face looked relaxed, but just fixing his gaze on one point showed enough focus.

When Jaeha handed over the next sheet, he had nothing to do, so he rested his chin and watched Hamin draw. More precisely, he watched Hamin’s face.

The eyes, the pupils nearly pitch black. The pointed nose, the lower lip fuller than the upper. There wasn’t a single flaw in his features.

If it was only about looks, Seo Hamin was quite a tolerable subject.

Was that why Jaeha’s eyes kept going to him?

Even just fixing his mismatched clothes or his hair would have made him look much cleaner. He seemed to have no interest in his appearance, so even today his clothes were careless and funny.

Jaeha breathed out. For him, being with someone had always been a dangerous act, like walking on the edge of a sharp blade. But maybe because Seo Hamin was such an outrageous person who exceeded his expectations, he was less cautious around him.

Was he going crazy along with him?

Jaeha laughed at the thought and listened to the scratching sound of the pencil. Then the ink-black eyes shifted slightly toward him.

When their eyes met, Hamin’s pupils trembled faintly before returning to their normal look. He looked a little awkward.

Jaeha wondered what was there to feel awkward about while drawing, and lowered his eyes. Looking at the sketch on the white page, he blinked slowly.

Did he see it wrong?

He closed his eyes, counted to three, and opened them again.

It was the same.

Because Jaeha’s expression replaced words, Hamin belatedly pretended to be calm and said.

“I’ll draw it again.”

“…Can you not waste paper?”

“Can’t you just call it abstract art and turn it in?”

Jaeha laughed hollowly as he looked at the drawing that seemed worse than what a three-year-old would make. It looked like Hamin was drawing something while looking at it, but it was impossible to know what.

Jaeha grabbed the sketchbook, turned it in every direction, and checked, but no matter which way he looked at it, there was no clue. It meant there was no way to tell what it was supposed to be.

“Sunbae, do you know you’re really strange?”

“You’re strange too.”

“Me?”

Words Jaeha had never heard in his life. Hamin nodded.

“You live in such a tiring way.”

Then he mumbled something incomprehensible, like “you must have been good at acting since then.”

Instead of denying it, Jaeha asked.

“Do I look like I’m acting to you, sunbae?”

“Yeah.”

“Why do you think that?”

“Well…”

Hamin tapped his lower lip with the pencil still in his hand and answered.

“A lawyer’s instinct?”

He didn’t even have a license yet, what was he saying?

“That’s not it.”

“Yes.”

It was absurd that he obediently agreed without arguing. He was only three years older than Jaeha, but he was a ridiculous person.

“Sunbae, why do you keep coming to find me?” The answer that Jaeha thought would come right away took longer than expected.

Hamin’s long eyelashes lowered, it looked like he was searching for an answer from himself. Jaeha felt that this kind of stalker’s habits was familiar. The way he took his time and meticulously thinking of an answer.

After Hamin’s lips moved several times without saying anything, the answer finally came much later.

“Because I want to get close to you.”

“…You want to get close to me?”

“You don’t have friends either.” The reply was absurd.

Did this stalker not have eyes?

“Sunbae. I don’t know what kind of misunderstanding you’ve had since earlier, but I have plans tonight.”

“With the guy you’re always with?”

“With Woojin?”

“Yeah, the guy you find annoying.”

“What are you talking about, Woojin and I have been friends since high school.”

“You dislike him.”

He answered confidently and calmly. Jaeha found that a little strange, and at the same time unpleasant. How much had he seen to act like he knew everything about him.

Seo Hamin was always like that. No matter what he did, he had a way of acting like his answer was always correct, and that attitude was always irritating.

“What are you looking at to say that?”

“He really dislikes me.” He said while smirking.

“It was like, how should I put it… the expression of a child who had his toy taken away.”

“……”

“But that’s why I thought you kept him beside you.”

Jaeha raised his hand slightly and covered his lips. He had an instinctive rejection towards the words that dug into his thoughts. It was true that Jaeha disliked Choi Woojin. He called him a friend but could not even hide the expression of jealousy, he was an idiot who even delayed his enlistment because Jaeha had delayed his own.

But that part was also convenient. The thing Woojin feared most was losing his place at Jaeha’s side. As long as he kept him there, Woojin arranged things around him by himself, so there was no reason not to.

Jaeha looked at Hamin, who calmly set his pencil down. He had lit a fire inside someone else, yet he stared indifferently out the window and that made Jaeha’s insides turn upside down.

“Sunbae, why do you want to get close to me?” He couldn’t help but speak with a harsh tone.

At that moment, Jaeha didn’t even think he had to pretend to be a good person. He felt irritated and annoyed. The unknown emotions that had piled up one over another finally spilled out with a small trigger.

“Sunbae, do you need money too?”

Even when he stayed still, Hamin’s big eyes grew wider. His surprised expression looked absurd, like it was the first time he had ever heard such words in his life.

“If I give some, will you stop following me? I could give a few hundred just like that.”

“…….”

“Ah, if you feel it hurts your pride to just take it… then later, when you pass the bar exam, you could give me some legal advice or something. Of course, you need to pass it first.”

Hamin stayed silent for a long time. He crossed his arms with a slightly surprised face, and for a while he only tapped his arm as if he was calculating something. After a moment he said in a low voice.

“Even if I add legal maximum interest, you won’t be able to handle it.”

…Legal, what?

His lips parted slightly at the sudden words he had not expected.

“My salary is calculated by the minute. Even the basic retainer fee is quite…”

That alone was not enough. His face showed he was wondering whether he should take it or not. Jaeha was the one who had dismissed him, but when Hamin turned that back on him, he was dumbfounded.

When he came to my senses, he realized Hamin’s answer avoided every scenario he had imagined, and felt irritated.

“If it’s not money you need… then why are you following me? Do you like me?”

“If I like you, does that give me a reason to follow you?”

“I don’t know if it becomes a reason or not, but at least I could accept it.”

Sunlight fell across Hamin’s face. Thanks to the bright yellow knit vest that didn’t match his personality at all, his already pale face looked whiter.

Jaeha bit his lips and held down his feelings. What annoyed him about Seo Hamin included things like this. Looking like that for no reason and sweeping him along.

He didn’t want to admit it, but even the cheap fluorescent marker-colored clothes sold at stationery shops couldn’t completely hide that face. And Jaeha found it unpleasant that he kept having thoughts like this about another man’s face.

Yes. It was really, very unpleasant.

Hamin’s eyes, which had been fixed somewhere near his chest for a long while, turned back to Jaeha’s.

“Then let’s go with that.”

Jaeha blinked blankly at the gentle words. What was this stalker saying now?

“I like you.”

The tone was plain, it didn’t seem like he was joking. But if asked whether it seemed serious, that wasn’t it either.

Jaeha felt a small ripple stir in his heart. It felt like indigestion, or like motion sickness.

“…You like me?”

Jaeha seemed to be the only one flustered by the words. Hamin glanced at the time and stood up.

“I’ll go first. Don’t drink too much.”

“What does that have to do with you, sunbae?”

“It doesn’t have anything to do with me.”

As Jaeha frowned, Hamin tapped his shoulder lightly.

“But I want it to matter, that’s why I’m saying it. And also…”

“If you ever need a lawyer later, tell me.”

Jaeha thought again that Hamin was mocking him. He tried to sneer, planning to say, “are you going to rip me off?” But the tone that followed was rather serious.

“I’ll make sure you win.”

His voice was low, his face had no expression, the warmth on his shoulder was faint. Even though there was nothing strong in it, Jaeha couldn’t take his eyes off Hamin.

For a moment, his fingertips tingled. It was a feeling similar to after he had drawn nonstop for six hours.

If Seo Hamin… if that stalker really took his side…

“It really feels like I could win everything…”

Hamin didn’t laugh at Jaeha’s mumbled answer that slipped out. He only nodded as if it was natural.