CEL 51

“Does this make sense? I bought side dishes and got slapped?”

“Does it make sense to call a senior at this hour?”

“Why is he doing this to me? Do you know how much his grandma likes me?”

Why is he really doing this to me?

After Hamin ignored his messages several times, Kwon Doyoung switched to phone calls, and that made him sigh with annoyance. The college entrance exam stood right in front of him, yet Doyoung kept talking about vegetables.

“What did you get on the September mock exam?”

“That’s not what matters right now?”

“What in your life matters more than the exam right now?”

“That’s why you date weird people.”

“I’m hanging up.”

“Ah, hyung! Help me figure out why Han Siwoo seems angry!”

For a moment, Hamin regretted that he thought that four million won a month was a lot. If he had known the service period would stretch this long, he might have charged double.

He put the phone on speaker and set it on the table, then slipped his arms into a yellow shirt. One of the clothes Han Jaeha had given him.

Was the problem really the style?

It did not look much different from the ones he had bought, yet it looked good on him. Was this really the power of capitalism, or was it just his own lack of fashion sense? While he wondered, he heard ‎a groan from the phone.

“Hyung. I’m really serious.”

He buttoned the shirt up to the collar and brushed aside his bangs that nearly covered his eyes. Enough time had passed since his last visit to the salon, it seemed about time to go again.

“Why did you get slapped? “

“Have you not heard a single word I said?”

“I’ll listen when you say something that makes sense. How can I take you seriously when you start with ‘He is crazy’ repeated five times.”

This time Kwon Doyoung must have been seriously irritated. He muttered under his breath for a while, then let out a small breath and explained again.

“I told you before, right? Han Siwoo, the prettiest one in our class. You saw him at the cafe before too.”

“That’s sexual harassment.”

“What are you talking about? He’s a guy.”

“Even if he’s a guy.”

“Anyway, since he kept avoiding me, I got pissed, so I followed him to every place he worked at.”

“Ah.”

Hamin let out a genuine sigh. He had both done something similar before and been on the receiving end. It was definitely a bad move.

“Then I saw his grandma selling vegetables in an alley. She was working really hard. She spread out newspapers and….”

The picture in his head felt strangely familiar, so he tilted his head.

Five minutes later he slung a cheap bag over his shoulder and turned off the lights at home. With his phone caught between shoulder and ear, Hamin suddenly went “Ah,” and remembered the vegetables he had recently bought in bulk.

Could it have been that grandma?

The student’s face had seemed somewhat familiar, and he thought to himself what a strange coincidence. He put on his shoes.

“So for a few days I bought everything. Even while my uncle cursed me out. But then that crazy Han Siwoo heard what I said and slapped me.”

“What did you say to him?”

“I said I’ve got money rotting away anyway, so don’t worry. If I buy every day, then you don’t need to work part-time anymore, right? I thought he’d be grateful, but isn’t that insane?”

Even without trying, Hamin could picture what kind of look and tone Kwon Doyoung must have used.

If Siwoo only slapped him once and left it at that… well.

“He held back a lot.”

“Is that something a future lawyer should say? Isn’t there a law that says you can’t hit people?”

He opened the door and stepped outside. Sunlight filled the corridor so strongly that it already hurt his eyes. He frowned slightly and answered.

“Did he ask you for help?”

“No?”

“Then why are you deciding things on your own? He’s handling it himself.”

“Handle what? He delivers newspapers at dawn, works at the cafe during night study hours, and runs delivery at night. Is that normal?”

“Have you thought about why he lives like that?” His question made Kwon Doyoung pause.

“…Because he doesn’t have money?”

At that one-dimensional answer, Hamin sighed softly. Right, still only nineteen.

“He does it because that’s his best option. Why are you turning him into a pitiful person? Maybe for you it was just pity, but for him it’s violence.”

When he got down in the elevator, a familiar car stood parked by the roadside with hazard lights on. Thinking of its owner, his eyes softened and he almost ended the call, but Kwon Doyoung responded.

“It’s not pity.”

“Then what is it.”

“I just wanted to help him. He always does everything alone. I wanted to see him smile, get him something tasty, talk with him. That’s all.”

“…….”

“If you put it like that, then what about me? My mom and dad left me behind because they liked money more than me. Does that make me a pitiful kid?”

His steps toward the black car slowed. Hidden sincerity inside a joking tone felt new. He had been so used to Doyoung’s reckless ways that he hadn’t noticed. Like he had just said himself, Doyoung was only nineteen.

Hamin sighed and explained.

“He might not want that.”

“…You mean becoming close with me?”

“He might not have wanted you to find out.”

He had been the same in the past. When people asked why he lived that way, or if living like that wasn’t shameful he always got angry. When people asked if it was hard, he always answered that it never was.

Every word sounded like an attack. Every moment felt like walking on the edge of a finely honed blade.

He ignored torn wounds caused by running. He taped over festering sores and wrapped them with towels to hide them. He never wanted anyone to see him in that state.

“Why? Isn’t it better to at least talk about it?”

“What good does it do to talk to others?”

“It worked for me….”

“He has lived like that his whole life. Don’t stir things up for no reason. Leave him alone.”

At some point he had started answering as if he was talking about himself. Kwon Doyoung went quiet. Maybe he had said too much, but nothing about it was exactly wrong. He waited silently. After a long pause, Doyoung answered in a small but certain voice.

“Just because he lived like that his whole life doesn’t mean he has to keep living like that.”

“…What?”

“If my way was wrong, then I’ll try again. He needs me too. How can he live with no one beside him to say these things?”

That went beyond optimism. It left him momentarily speechless. While he blinked blankly, Doyoung added.

“Anyway, I get what you meant. I should apologize first. Thanks, hyung.”

After the call cut off, Hamin stood still with the phone in his hand, he was lost in thought. Memories of countless people who once asked him “why” filled his head.

Among them, had there been anyone who only wanted to ask, like Doyoung?

He recalled those who stood outside the line he had drawn, staring at him with unreadable eyes.

Suddenly he wondered if maybe people weren’t hiding wounds the way he had, but instead learning to live by showing scars to each other.

He fiddled with the phone with a strange feeling, when Han Jaeha opened the car door and stepped out. He seemed concerned, maybe because Hamin stood still in the same place. He walked over with a worried look.

“What’s wrong? Not feeling well today?”

After a bit of hesitation, Hamin answered.

“I slept badly so my head hurts.”

“…Does it hurt a lot? Should we go to the emergency room?”

Han Jaeha’s eyes widened and he touched Hamin’s forehead and cheek. He wasn’t a doctor, and even if he had been, touching his forehead wouldn’t have told him anything.

Hamin felt his forehead heating. The headache that had seemed not bad just a moment ago suddenly felt unbearable.

He frowned slightly and answered.

“I can manage.”

“What are you saying? If you’re saying that, maybe something’s really wrong. We should go to the hospital right away.”

“It’s just because I feel strange since it’s the first time I’m going on a trip.”

“…Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Let’s just go quickly.”

On the highway, all the way, Han Jaeha kept glancing at him, his lips quivering. Their eyes met again and again, Jaeha’s refused to leave him, and only then did Hamin realize he had been acting spoiled. He belatedly felt embarrassed.

“Watch the road. If we crash now, it’s your fault.”

“You’re the one acting strange, that’s why.”

“You’re the strange one. Face forward and grip the wheel straight.” Jaeha did look ahead obediently, but he couldn’t feel relaxed.

Today’s Seo Hamin was strange. He was always strange, but today he was really strange.

From the start his expression had looked unusual, then suddenly he said he felt sick, and at every chance he looked at him with eyes that seemed the same yet not the same.

He held back his sideways glances, but when he hit the brakes, control slipped. Their eyes met, black pupils fixed on him.

“Do you want me to drive?”

“…No.”

He expected more nagging, but the instant their eyes met, the look in his eyes softened.

See, this really was strange.

Summer had already passed, yet his face kept heating. His lips dried, he moistened them with his tongue, and he switched on the air conditioner. Hamin asked.

“How did you get rid of Koo Chaewook?”

“I bought him a train ticket.”

“Did you really have to go that far?”

“Yes, I had to.”

Even if they couldn’t reach Gangneung, it would take more than two hours, and take noisy Koo Chaewook in the car? Absolutely not.

On top of that, Chaewook had excessive curiosity toward others. When together, he always stuck to Hamin, asked questions, acted overly friendly. An eyesore.

Jaeha knew it wasn’t romantic interest, but he never trusted other people’s hearts, which could change at any time. He himself was proof of that.

When the car stopped, he let his eyes run slowly up and down Hamin. A matte yellow shirt and faded jeans suited him like a model. He quickly slipped his fingers in and undid the top button.

“Don’t button it all the way. It looks stifling.”

“Thanks.”

‘It wasn’t stifling. Do you know how important a neat impression is?’ That was the answer Jaeha expected. Hamin’s reply felt not only unexpected but almost bizarre.

Had something really happened today?

“Who were you on the phone with earlier?”

“A future repeater.”

“Ah, that tutoring kid… you’re still in contact? Tutoring ended ages ago, why still keep in touch?”

Jaeha raised his eyebrow. People who clung to Seo Hamin too much always showed up around him. Koo Chaewook fit that type, and so did that tutoring student, that so-called friend thug, even Kim Seoryeong.

“Does it bother you?”

Hamin expected an immediate answer, but Jaeha stayed quiet. He watched him, body showing affirmation in silence, and stifled his laughter. Watching him act as though the whole world owed him attention felt unbearable. Especially when he looked like that himself.

Recently Kwon Doyoung’s interest seemed more on his friend than on him, but Hamin didn’t bother correcting it. Jaeha’s stubbornly sealed lips and tightly gripped wheel looked quite good to him.

It couldn’t be helped. He had a nasty personality, and he wanted to stay tangled with him, so he had to endure it.

“Let’s get potatoes at the rest stop.”

“I hate potatoes. They remind me of him.”

In the end, Hamin covered his mouth and laughed.