CEL 52

“Why are you so late!?”

“It would be strange if we weren’t late with how many cars there are on the road.”

“You should have flown here.”

He ignored the nonsense and put the bags down. The sea was visible through the wide glass wall in the living room.

He stepped closer and laid his palm on the pane. The glass looked so clear he thought he might walk straight through.

“Beautiful, right? Seoryeong found this place.”

“Good choice.”

“Price too, it’s cheap! Only twenty million won, dear customer!”

He dropped a crumpled receipt onto Ji Eunah’s outstretched hand, offered in a playful tone. She checked the slip with a dazed look and let out an exasperated breath.

“Tornado potato, baby potato, French fries. What, why did you only eat things like this? Did some potato ghost take over you?”

He admitted he had gone overboard because he found it funny how Han Jaeha always got angry whenever he saw potatoes.

Hamin lifted his shoulder and asked,

“Where’s Kim Seoryeong and Koo Chaewook?”

“They went grocery shopping. We’re grilling meat tonight. Ah, where’s Jaeha?”

“Smoking.”

“Ugh, chain-smoker.”

Ji Eunah pinched her nose and shook her head. Then she pressed right up against the glass and rubbed her cheek against it.

“I want to get in the sea right now, I want to swim…”

“Do it.”

“What fun is it if I go alone?”

His mouth stayed shut under her pointed look. Then Ji Eunah suddenly leaned closer and shoved her phone in front of him. She left no gap for awkwardness.

On the screen, a photo showed a girl with a bright smile. He could not figure out her intent.

“What is this?”

“Want me to introduce her? She’s my friend, her type is someone smart.”

Hamin blinked slowly and started thinking.

What did she see in me that made her want to introduce her friend?

Ji Eunah saw his hesitation however she pleased, jabbed his side with a sly grin.

“Even you think she’s pretty, right? Honestly, I treasured her, kept her safe, wanted to hand her to a good guy.”

“I…”

“Hand her where?”

Bad timing, bad expression, Han Jaeha walked in. He shoved himself between them without knowing the context.

“Ah, Eunah asked if Hamin-oppa had any interest in a blind date.”

“…Blind date?”

“My friend. Isn’t she super pretty? Our Ye-eun, she’s an angel, an angel.”

“I don’t think…”

“Hyung’s here!”

Perfect timing, Kim Seoryeong and Koo Chaewook came back. Hamin frowned. He wanted to explain to Jaeha, whose face kept reddening and paling by the second, but the noise filled the room before he could.

“What’s this, why are you three huddled?”

“Talking about Hamin-oppa’s blind date.”

“What? Hyung had a blind date? What about me? What about me?”

“A woman going on a blind date with you? What sin did she commit? Did she sell the country in her past?”

“What are you saying?”

“First let’s hit the sea. Sun’s about to set.”

Kim Seoryeong’s words cut off the bickering, and the two ran outside.

Hamin lost the chance to explain and ran his eyes over Han Jaeha with an awkward look. To be honest, there was nothing to explain. Jaeha would never believe he planned to accept a blind date anyway.

Even so, that downcast face made him want to say something. He wanted to reassure him, even with a groundless claim, that he would never go on a blind date.

While he tried to sort through the strange feeling, Jaeha pulled on his shoes and headed out too. They walked side by side, and the heavy mood made Hamin’s brow crease again and again.

Jaeha, who was watching that look on Hamin’s face, bit the soft flesh inside his mouth.

Seo Hamin was a good man.

Unlike him, he was diligent, independent, someone who shone brightly before anyone’s eyes. That was obvious the moment one looked a little closer.

Jaeha hated being forced to face that truth again.

The more he looked, the more broken he himself seemed, while the more he looked, the more Hamin lifted others. Everyone could see it, and it was horrible.

But he could not show it.

Because he liked Seo Hamin.

More precisely, because only Seo Hamin liked him like this.

He always stood weaker before him, always stood the loser. That thought made his chest sting again.

“The sea, the sea!”

“Han! Let’s get in quick!”

“I’m not going in.”

“Huh?”

The three, who had slipped off their shoes under the parasol and were about to run, froze.

Han Jaeha sat on the mat and wrapped his arms around his knees. He shook his head, which made Hamin sit down too.

“Oppa won’t go in either?”

“Yeah.”

“What is this? Then what’s the point of coming to the sea.”

“What point is there in an assignment?”

Ji Eunah pushed her lips out like a duck and grumbled, but Hamin had no intention of entering the sea from the start. He had only one pair of shoes, and he couldn’t even swim.

How could sitting in water be fun?

Someone like him would only ruin the mood if he joined the kids at play.

The three insist for a long time, but failed to persuade him or Jaeha, then walked into the waves looking sulky. Of course their regret lasted no more than a moment, and soon their heads to their toes were soaked as they laughed loudly.

Hamin watched the simple twenty-one-year-olds and shook his head. Jaeha asked,

“You’re fine not going in the sea?”

“Not going.”

“I thought you looked forward to it.”

He had looked forward. The idea of spending time with Jaeha in a new place excited Hamin. He finally understood what it meant for a child to feel giddy the day before a picnic.

Even if he knew he should keep distance, his heart continued leaning toward jaeha, and he couldn’t stop it.

He locked the words he couldn’t never say inside and asked something else.

“Are you alright?”

“Huh?”

“You hate the sea. Didn’t you feel bad about coming here?”

The unexpected question made Jaeha turn his head.

Come to think of it, the sound of waves wasn’t unpleasant. Before, the rolling surf had always grated so harshly he wanted to rip his ears off, but with all his attention on Hamin, he hadn’t thought of the sea at all.

He stared at the sea’s motion.

When he was a child, he used to shiver, thinking those waves would swallow him someday. Yet even with the sun glinting across the ripples, he felt nothing.

The realization made the taut cord inside him loosen. His chest wavered, and an unfamiliar current spread through his body.

“I’m fine.”

He truly felt that way.

He scooped a fistful of sand. Feeling the rough grains, he unconsciously murmured.

“When I was a kid, I used to put a shell to my ear and hear the waves… Here there’s only sand, none of that.”

“Let’s go next time.”

“Where?”

“The place you lived when you were little.”

He laughed, but it sounded more like a sigh. He even felt Hamin’s words, digging so deep without knowing anything, were a bit mean.

He leaned his cheek against his knee and looked at him. Hamin’s black gaze, fixed only on him, made something start to fill the empty corners of his chest.

He hated the sea.

He hated the sound, he hated the smell. That view only dragged back the days when he had to spill something out on paper like waste. How could he like it?

Even so, the waves spreading behind Hamin looked beautiful. The forest-like scent in the salty air cleared his head.

“You’re that curious about my childhood?”

“Not exactly that…” Hamin hesitated, then finished.

“I’m curious about you.”

The noise suddenly faded, and everything around blurred into haze. Inside that faint background, he only saw one figure clearly.

Their eyes met.

Eyes darker than night swept over him. His heartbeat pounded like a ship’s horn.

He felt angry. He felt close to tears, and also bitter.

What responsibility did he think he had?

“Even if you hear it, sunbae won’t understand.”

Tap.

A pale fingertip touched his forehead. The touch tickled it felt like he was soothing a child.

“It’s not that I can’t understand because it’s me. Saying you understand without living it, that’s hypocrisy.”

“Then why do you want to hear it?”

“I don’t know.”

Jaeha’s knee, which had been propping up his cheek, slipped. He looked at Hamin with a baffled face. That look said, how could he answer something he didn’t know. He could only sigh.

The anxiety and restlessness that had been dammed up broke and spilled out.

“I’m an illegitimate child. The reason I lived near the beach was because my mom and I had to avoid people’s eyes.”

“…..”

“The hyung I mentioned before is my half-brother. Our relationship is bad.” He forced himself to stay calm. Even after picking what sounded least ugly, it came out like this. No way it sounded good.

He didn’t want to lash out at Hamin. He didn’t want to show a picture of himself squirming in inferiority and worry before someone who knew nothing. Yet the words that pushed past his lips came out.

“You still want to keep listening?”

Hamin blinked at him.

Even though he had asked first, answering felt hard. Since starting a job that lived on words, this was the first time he found it so hard to answer. Maybe because it was something he already knew, he assumed it would be an easy topic for Hamin too. That assumption had been a mistake.

He couldn’t tell if liking someone was always this hard, or it was only hard for him.

He wanted to stay away, yet he wanted to draw close. He thought he only wanted to hold him in his eyes, but before he knew it, he held him in his heart.

While he was lost in thought, the three who had soaked themselves in seawater walked closer. Their bodies were dripping with water, yet they laughed brightly. He handed them a big towel.

Ji Eunah snatched it quick, wrung her hair, and asked,

“You two really won’t even dip your feet?”

“Pickle yourself.”

“You’re living alone in an age where romance died.”

He smiled despite the mocking tone, and Ji Eunah and Koo Chaewook exchanged a glance. He slid back warily, but Koo Chaewook fired a water gun before he could react.

He opened his mouth in surprise, and the tip of his tongue caught the salty taste. It was seawater.

“…Are you crazy?”

“You came to the sea, and you won’t even taste seawater?”

He turned his head, and Jaeha wore the same dumbfounded face as him.

How much seawater had they loaded into that cannon-sized water gun? Their heads and clothes were soaked.

While he stood dazed, unable to gather his mind, Kim Seoryeong suddenly seized his arm and puller him up. He glanced aside, and Koo Chaewook and Ji Eunah were handling Jaeha.

The three dragged him and Jaeha without reason toward the sea. He could have shaken them off, but their sheer nonsense robbed him of even the will to resist.

His feet went under, then his legs. In no time, he stood waist-deep in waves.

“I’ll write in the report that you swam bravely.”

“What kind of swimming do you call brave in the sea?”

“Be honest, it feels cool. Feels good, right?”

Kim Seoryeong shouted with a bright grin. He sighed, Hamin had forgotten for a moment that Kim Seoryeong, usually so quiet, could throw herself with useless zeal.

“Yeah, it feels cool.”

“If you come to the sea, you’ve got to play with water, not sand!”

His only shoes were soaked beyond saving. Instead of fussing over what was already ruined, Hamin chose to surrender to the water. His clothes were already wet, his shoes already lost, there’s nothing more to hold back.

Seawater swayed at his waist. He swept his hand through, feeling the waves smack against him. Beyond the fact it was salty liquid, nothing else came to mind.

Chaewook, who was watching him, slipped away from Jaeha and got closer. Eunah and Seoryeong stifled their laughter, and Hamin, unaware, still stared at the water.

“Ugh!”

“Sunbae!”

That black head dunked under and popped back up. Hamin, who had suddenly gone under, looked at him with wide eyes, startled by what just happened.

…Did this guy just grab my leg?

“If you’re wet, your head has to soak too, or you can’t say you played right.”

He wiped his forehead at yet another absurdity and answered,

“You’re committing attempted murder.”

“If hyung sues, Kim Seoryeong said she’d defend me!”

What kind of person even says that?

Taking advantage of his guard down, he tried to attack again, so Hamin scooped water and smacked it at Koo Chaewook.

“Hey, Ji Eunah, Kim Seoryeong, what are you doing! Hurry and help!”

Kim Seoryeong and Ji Eunah immediately joined. Outnumbered, water poured down until he could barely see. Through the fierce spray, he glanced at Jaeha. That look rebuked him: why are you just standing there?

That look made Jaeha step toward him before he even realized. At the moment Hamin’s head plunged deep under the waves…

His heart dropped, he even forgot he had felt bad earlier, but watching them play together eased the tightness in his whole body.

Always calling him childish, yet he got dragged into such a silly provocation.

Hamin chuckled, enjoying one of the rare times he looked his age.

For childish games like this…

“Hey, let’s attack Han Jaeha!”

“Han Jaeha plated with gold! Han Jaeha’s passenger seat that costs more than a train ticket!”

A flood of water bombs hit him.

Jaeha almost fell from nothing more than getting splashed, his opened his eyes wide then closed them. In that instant, salt water filled his eyes and nose.

Hamin moved in front of him. Their height difference kept him from blocking much anyway, but he swung his arms in a clumsy attempt to shield and counter.

“Haha, what are you doing?”

That sight drew laughter. Hamin, who always spoke in a detached, old-man way, was playing like someone his age for the first time.

They laughed, the smiles on their faces were bright.

Though the October sea felt a bit chilly to call simply refreshing, no one complained.

‎ A moment later the sunlight went down, and the sky turned red. Around the same time, red twilight settled across both Hamin and Jaeha’s faces.