CEL 53

“If I had known they would cause this much trouble, I don’t think I would have come.” Han Jaeha whispered with unfiltered sincerity. Hamin also agreed with the words and nodded.

They played in the water by accident, then returned and ate meat, the mood had not been bad, until Koo Chaewook insisted they had to finish the soju he had bought and kept pestering the others, it had been fine.

Jaeha, who had to drive the next day, refused. Hamin, who never enjoyed drinking, flipped his glass over. In such a situation they could have drunk moderately and left some, but the three others blew into the bottles and said they would finish more than ten no matter what.

The result was miserable. In less than two hours the three wandered inside the pension like a horde of zombies. That was why at this dawn hour Jaeha and Hamin walked outside. It had always been the rule that if a monk disliked the temple, the monk must leave.

It was silent. Because the others had been so noisy he had briefly forgotten, but it had not been long since they had spoken on an unpleasant subject.

Jaeha hesitated and spoke carefully.

“…I don’t want to go back inside.”

Hamin stopped walking and looked at him. Even though the meaning was obvious, he slowly blinked and nodded.

“Did you understand what I meant?”

“I did.”

When Hamin kept his lips closed, a small thumb reached and touched his cheek. He leaned his face against the palm. Warmth rose where their skins met.

It felt like ‎a stone was rolling inside his head. The unexpected kindness made him nervous. It made him imagine the worst.

His eyes sparkled like stars. Even if he wanted, he could not grasp them. Even if he longed, he could not own them. They belonged wholly to Seo Hamin.

He felt thirsty, his throat was burning, his stomach felt heated. He unconsciously let out a strangled sound. Kindness that dripped like falling water drops drove him to madness.

He held the hand and rubbed his lips on the palm. He felt like opening his mouth wide and swallowing Seo Hamin whole.

‎

‎

Though they had come to such a fine pension, they ended up in a shabby motel, yet he felt no regret. In truth, he even doubted whether he could sleep.

The shower booth was narrow, their bare skin collided, while Halin shifted in discomfort, Jaeha suddenly turned the faucet.

Water poured over his head. The freezing temperature startled him.

“Ah!”

His shout made Jaeha turn off the water and pull out the showerhead.

“Are you alright?”

“I’m fine.”

Jaeha moved the handle with a look of disbelief. After a while he found a suitable temperature and poured warm water over his body. Jaeha had been soaked in cold water from the head just the same, yet he shared warmth only with him.

Hamin let out a small sigh and snatched the showerhead.

“Aren’t you cold?”

He curved his hand over his eyebrows like shade. Rising on his toes, he poured warm water from the crown of Jaeha’s head. Jaeha nodded.

Perhaps he did not want the awkward mood to continue, because ‎a smile appeared on his face. Anyone could see that he was forcing himself.

He made bubbles with the soap and asked on purpose with a playful tone.

“Today is my birthday.”

“When is your birthday?”

“January tenth.”

Hamin stopped blinking and stared at Han Jaeha.

Drops gathered on his lashes all fell. More water dripped down from his hair, pooled, and fell again. It repeated again and again, and during all that time Hamin found no words.

January tenth.

Han Jaeha died on January tenth.

“Then, are you an early-year birth?”

Hamin shut the stream and asked casually. He tried to make it sound natural, so the meaning behind the question would not show.

Even so, Jaeha seemed to notice something strange, yet he still answered without resistance.

“No. On my family register it says March. January tenth is my real birthday.”

Hamin felt like someone had thrown black ink in his head. He never thought of himself as compassionate. He was not emotional, nor skilled at empathy.

Even so, Han Jaeha looked pitiful. If he felt this much, then surely everyone else in the world would feel the same.

His fingertips tingled, and the crown of his head chilled.

He felt anger.

He felt anger at those who made Han Jaeha pitiful, and anger at those who pitied him.

Unaware of Hamin’s state, Jaeha asked calmly in return.

“What about you, sunbae?”

“December twelfth.”

“But when I looked at your ID, it said the twenty-first?”

When had he secretly looked at that?

Hamin replied with a dumbfounded look.

“There were five kids with birthdays on that day.”

Strictly speaking, even the twelfth was not truly his birthday. Since he had been found in a baby box on the twelfth, he must have been born before that.

Hamin looked at Jaeha rubbing his body with the foam-filled shower ball and asked.

“Was it hard?”

“…Do I look pitiful?”

Complicated emotions fillef his clear eyes. He seemed angry, and he seemed resentful.

Hamin grasped his hand.

He did not know how Jaeha might feel, but he was not pitying him. The one he pitied was the past Han Jaeha, who had died on his birthday.

The present Han Jaeha was not a pitiful man. Hamin would make it so, and he would not let anyone see him that way.

He snatched the shower ball, threw it on the floor, and whispered with calm eyes fixed on Jaeha.

“You’re the only one who knows my birthday.”

“…..”

“So buy a cake. I’ll do the same.”

“…Cake?”

“In society, the majority is called universal.” He lifted onto his toes. His eyes lowered, and his damp lips barely touched the other’s.

“So when it’s just us two, this is normal.”

Jaeha’s pupils widened then shrank back. His face flushed and his expression twisted like he was angry. No, he really was angry.

He grabbed Hamin’s nape and pulled him close. He knew he shouldn’t, yet he ground his fangs into the soft lips. He bit until blood seeped and checked whether Hamin still wouldn’t pull away.

He clutched his hair until the scalp hurt and kneaded his body . Even so, Hamin didn’t draw back. Instead, he pressed closer, draping limp arms on Jaeha’s shoulders as if he was saying do whatever he want.

His head stopped working. There was no other way to say it.

When it’s just us two, this is normal? I’m normal?

No, Seo Hamin didn’t know. He didn’t know how ruined he is, how twisted his life has been, that’s why he could say such things.

He wanted to laugh until his chest ripped, yet also wanted to throw everything within reach.

For the first time, Jaeha thought Hamin looked pitiful. He pitied the one who became his only world.

“Your eyes don’t sting?”

Even with torn lips, Hamin only worried about the foam in his eyes. Jaeha exhaled hot breath. He rubbed his lips on Hamin’s round forehead, and he pressed his painfully swollen groin against him.

Was it a fever? His whole body felt like he was on fire, his head burned. He wanted to kiss his lips but missed and smeared wet kisses on Hamin’s cheeks and nose. Hamin stared up at him then closed his eyes.

“Ah…”

He couldn’t tell it was a groan or a sigh. They resembled fevered moans.

“Sunbae, hyung… Seo Hamin…”

He wanted to own every word that defined him. He rubbed his side and back with a feeling that he would die if he didn’t devour this man now.

He wanted to suck his nipples but the dry white foam blocked him. He fumbled over and over, then picked up the shower head and sprayed him. He didn’t adjust the pressure so water splashed everywhere.

Hamin frowned and snatched it away. Instead of spraying, he hooked the shower head onto its holder and they kissed under the falling stream.

Jaeha devoured his lips again and again. He blew his breath inside, rubbed below, and acted like a beast.

The waves beyond the window faded. Only the loud rush of water and Seo Hamin’s ragged breathing reached his ears.

“Hm!”

He pinched the nipple and bit it with his front teeth. He licked the wide areola, puckered his lips and kissed noisily. At the same time, he shoved his fingers in and stretched his hole. He thought he would die if he didn’t enter him right now, so he had no choice.

“Slow down.”

“Save me… please? Sunbae, save me.”

He whispered with a desperate voice and turned Hamin’s body. He pressed him against the tile wall and spread his ass.

“Han Jaeha!”

Anyone with sense would think he wouldn’t shove that huge thing all at once. Sadly, Han Jaeha now had no sense, no reason.

Like a python, his cock rammed into his gut. It pushed his insides up so far it felt like they would pop from his mouth if he opened it.

Hamin clamped his mouth shut and writhed. The burning pain in his hole nearly made him lose consciousness.

“Feels good… so good. Ha, sunbae feels good too?”

“Slow, slow! Han Jaeha!”

“That’s it, right? Sunbae too, huh. Feels good, right?”

He gripped Hamin’s hips like handles and rammed his waist. Hamin’s only fleshy part, his ass, flattened against him then rose full again.

How can he keep his sanity while watching this? Better to survive ten days on a desert island without water.

His whole world turned into Seo Hamin. While his waist kept pounding for a long time, his eyes started burning hot.

Ploc. Ploc

Tears slid down onto Hamin’s back. He couldn’t understand why he was crying now. Just… everything was a mess.

It was fortunate that the water was running and Hamin wouldn’t know he was crying.

He held back his breath and continued thrusting. At that moment Hamin tried to rise, so he quickly wrapped his arms around his back. He held his belly and shoved his face into his shoulder so he wouldn’t show a pitiful sight.

Everything was a mess.

Hamin stayed quiet, then turned off the water. The loud rush stopped, and he patted the forearm that bound him.

“What’s wrong?”

If he answered now, Hamin would notice he cried.

He stubbornly sealed his mouth, but Hamin waited in silence like someone who knew everything.

As time passed and he still wouldn’t move, Hamin covered his own eyes with his hand. He turned, pulled Jaeha’s head down, pressed him to his chest.

In an instant Jaeha was folded inside his arms. His body hunched, and ragged breaths filled the bathroom. He blinked blankly, then soft lips brushed his ear.

“You held out well.”

“…….”

“Did I tell you? You make me proud.” Then Jaeha realized the meaning of his tears.

They weren’t from joy, sorrow, or upset. They were yearning for Hamin, who shone anywhere by himself, and shame toward himself. Always shrinking before him, always pitiful, that was his despair.

If only he were a better man. If only he weren’t so broken.

Since some time, unreal assumptions crawled inside his head, leaving traces. The desire to own him in a way that didn’t make him anxious burned painfully, and he hated himself for not being able to.

“Sunbae, you don’t know anything.”

“I don’t.”

He rubbed his cheek on Hamin’s shoulder. He wanted to melt into his body and become part of him.

His heart, lungs, blood.

Anything, as long as he could become his part.

“But… I think I want to know.”

“…….”

“Is that not allowed?”

He listened to the pounding heartbeat. His tangled mind rampaged everywhere. He couldn’t give an answer to the end. But Hamin didn’t blame him. He only tightened his hold until everything crawling in Jaeha’s head felt like it would explode.

‎

‎

Jaeha and Hamin lay side by side on a bed with a cheap mattress, facing each other. After long silence, Jaeha spoke first.

“Even you think I’m not normal, right?”

From his face and tone alone, one might believe he just said the sea breeze feels cool.

“But you have to endure me. There’s no other way.”

A small smile appeared on his tired face, but the hand stroking his face trembled.

“When I think about the past, I don’t think I have good memories. Everyone hated me.”

“I don’t understand.” How could anyone hate Han Jaeha?

He couldn’t believe it, his brows drew together. Jaeha let out a small laugh.

“To my mom I was only a tool to look good to my dad, so I could never be better than my brother. I had to be worse than him, but I also couldn’t be an eyesore to my dad. It took me a long time to find that balance.”

Hamin remembered the first day he met Han Jaeha.

He only thought it strange, a boy his age wearing layers of masks, but never guessed such a story lay behind it.

“So I was glad I met you. You’re the one who makes me myself.”

“……”

“I never met someone like that before.”

Ploc. Drops of water slid from Han Jaeha’s still-damp hair. Hamin stared at them and asked.

“If you faced something unfair, went to someone for help, but that person ignored you, how would you feel?”

“…Why are you saying this?” The sudden question made Jaeha blink vacantly.

“No one you can trust nearby, no one to lean on. You think it’s the last chance, yet that person refuses you… wouldn’t you resent them?” His puzzled gaze locked onto Hamin, but it was a question that had no room for explanation.

Hamin hadn’t meant to ask aloud. It slipped out from impulse. He feared Jaeha’s answer, yet the thought that he must hear it hammered in his head. His instinct, always dragging him forward, urged him to ask.

He licked his lips with his tongue while waiting nervously. Jaeha stared at him strangely, but he sincerely answered.

“Sunbae doesn’t have anyone either?” Should he say no here…?

“I don’t. Call it the years when I didn’t know myself.”

“What kind of ridiculous assumption is that? I won’t answer.”

“Hurry. It matters to me.”

Jaeha looked at Hamin, who suddenly spoke nonsense, and thought that Seo Hamin’s mind really was unreadable.

A world without Seo Hamin… Not hard to imagine. Until a year ago, it was always similar. He lifted his hand and brushed aside the fringe covering Hamin’s eyes.

“I’d like them.”

“…Did you even understand the question?”

“Yes.”

What kind of answer was that.

At that absurd reply, Hamin showed a confused look, opened and closed his grip on the blanket.

“I wouldn’t make such a request in the first place. But if I did…”

“…….”

“That person must be special to me. If they refused me… I think I’d realize…”

His long lashes shaded his eyes. His lips curved faintly, as he laughed, it looked like he really had lived such a scene.

“Ah, I like this person.” His felt the pulse as they skin touched

Jaeha closed his eyes and whispered.

“I was just an ordinary man too.” That was perhaps the dream he had carried his whole life.

Until he met Hamin, Jaeha never thought he could like someone.

Whether the form of it was common or not, that was secondary. After all, doesn’t the world call love an illness?

The feeling of liking someone made him look like a very ordinary lunatic. A funny way to put it, but true.

So if in a world without Hamin, someone made him realize such a feeling…

“I’d be grateful.”

Hamin didn’t even blink and just stared at him.

Grateful.

He had never expected that reply. His chest tightened. It felt close to that day long ago, when Minjae thanked him for the first time, yet it wasn’t the same.

His heart boiled beyond denial.

Hamin didn’t believe people changed. That applied to himself as well.

But.

“Later…”

Han Jaeha was dear. Everything that made him was dear.

He wanted to stay at his side.

He wanted to believe he too could change.

He buried his face in Jaeha’s chest. He wrapped his broad back and inhaled air like a beggar of oxygen.

“Later… tell me more.”

“…….”

“The part you couldn’t say.”

Jaeha carefully raised his hand and stroked Hamin’s hair. He still couldn’t guess what Hamin thought.

Would the day come when he could tell him everything about his past?

Would the day come when he wouldn’t have to live in dread thinking that Hamin might leave him?

He couldn’t picture it. A unicorn or a winged hippo felt more believable.

But…

He wished that day would come…a day when they could live like that.

He recalled the gentle voice and erased the sound of waves ringing in his ear. It was his first calm evening at the beach.