CEL 54

The next day, when they returned to the pension, the three were still fast asleep. One was sprawled across the bathroom floor, another drooped over the veranda, and Hamin wasn’t sure if it could even be called sleeping, but in any case, that was how they were. He shook them in turn, forcing them awake, and they returned to Seoul. Even when they covered their mouths and pleaded, Han Jaeha told them to take the train, but because Koo Chaewook seized his trouser legs, in the end they had no choice but to ride back together in Han Jaeha’s car.

When he got home, Hamin lay down on the mattress before without thinking. No matter how tired he was, he had never done that in the middle of the day, but it seemed he had already grown used to idling with Han Jaeha. Han Jaeha lay down beside him. The awkward and uncomfortable air that had lingered between them seemed to have cleared completely after last night, because he was just like usual.

“Why did you come here?”

“This feels like my house now.”

“Pay rent.”

“How much?”

When he grimaced at the sight of Han Jaeha quickly reaching for his card, Han Jaeha let out a low laugh.

“Next time, let’s go just the two of us.”

“Alright.”

“Really?”

Han Jaeha lifted his eyebrows as if he couldn’t believe it.

“After I finish the retake, and after you come back from the army.”

“Are you crazy? Why are you suddenly bringing up the army at a time like this?”

Hamin laughed this time at Han Jaeha’s serious look. While he lay quietly, staring at the ceiling and enjoying the calmness, Han Jaeha’s phone began to vibrate. Han Jaeha’s expression stiffened when he saw the number flashing on the screen.

Hamin looked at Han Jaeha, puzzled, since Han Jaeha didn’t seem like he intended to answer. In the meantime, the call that had stopped once came through again.

“Aren’t you going to answer?”

The hand that had been stiff finally moved. The hand moved toward the screen with slow motion, and while Han Jaeha pressed the green button, his pupils kept shaking with unease.

“Student Jaeha….”

The voice from the other end of the line echoed inside the cramped rented room. Seo Hamin had not tried to eavesdrop, but because the silence made it to possible to hear even breathing, the voice of the caller entered his ears clearly.

It was a foreboding voice. With only two words, the air inside the room shifted, and Seo Hamin raised his body.

“Yujin, huuh… Yujin-ssi….”

Veins swelled on Han Jaeha’s hand that hele the phone. He pulled the phone away from his ear with a vacant look. His complexion turned white, and his eyes wavered without focus. He tried to cut off the call as if he had no wish to hear more, and Seo Hamin snatched the phone from him.

Seo Hamin inhaled lightly and opened his mouth.

“Hello. Yes. He is next to me.” Han Jaeha blinked while staring blankly at Seo Hamin.

The face that received the call hardened more and more into a blank mask. With the words “I will come now,” he ended the call and rose from his bee.

“Give me the car key.”

“…I will drive.”

“Give it.”

Seo Hamin fished the key out of Jaeha’s pocket after hearing a reply that sounded like his screws had come loose. He thought that in any case, he himself would not let someone in this state drive. Han Jaeha kept staring at the ceiling without any change, and Seo Hamin’s pale hands lifted him by the arm.

“Do you have a black suit at home?”

“No.”

“Alright, let’s go.”

Even while being dragged, his head stayed blank. He could not even tell how time passed. After one or two blinks, he was inside a car, and after a few more blinks, he was inside a clothing store.

“I think this customer must order a tailored suit. Everything will end up short or long.”

“We will look at other places, thank you.”

Seo Hamin held up suits that all looked the same in his eyes and chose the most formal.

“No one will come anyway, so I can wear anything.”

“Wear it properly even if no one comes.” Was there really any need for that?

Despite doubtful thoughts, Seo Hamin put effort into it. They found a size with proper fit in the third store they visited, even if rough. He handled the payment as well. Han Jaeha tried to pull out a card, but he waving his hand and stopped him. Even though the price clearly went beyond his own limit, he acted unconcerned while saying, “The first suit is always something an adult buys.”

Han Jaeha kept his mouth closed. It felt as though someone kept kneading his brain, and even blinking felt difficult.

Like a weekend city center, the road stayed clogged with cars. The car moved for five seconds and stopped again, and every single light caught them. He could not decide if that was good or bad. It seemed bad when fatigue set in instantly, and it seemed good when his thoughts fell into some order.

It would be a lie to say he had never thought of this.

From the time when the doctor repeated three times that there was no hope.

From the time when he received a card without a limit and confirmed bank statements with larger deposits.

No, from the very moment when his mother entered the hospital.

He had always expected that such a day would come.

After they reached the funeral hall, Han Jaeha forced himself to smile while watching Seo Hamin step out after him. He did not want to show such a sight to Seo Hamin. He did not want Seo Hamin to see his lowest point, even the shabby parts he had failed to voice.

“Thanks for driving me, sunbae. From here I will go alone.” Seo Hamin did not answer. He only looked at the face behind the mask with a blank gaze.

“You remember what I said yesterday, right? I was not even that close with my mom, so it’s fine. I saw her face years ago, and now I barely even think of her.”

“……”

“It is just because it is my first time with this kind of thing, so I felt startled…. Do you want to stay home? I will contact you after the funeral.”

A smile appeared on Han Jaeha’s face. Seo Hamin hadn’t seen this smile since the first time they met.

Han Jaeha looked like he was on the verge of tears when Seo Hamin gave no answer. His breathing turned rough, and his eyes grew moist in a pleading way.

“Please. Right now, just… just. Not now.” Seo Hamin lifted a hand and brushed Han Jaeha’s eye. Dry skin twitched at the touch of dry flesh.

If it had been the old Seo Hamin, he would have respected Han Jaeha who spoke to this degree. Even if it felt unpleasant, even if it weighed on his mind, he would have gone home quietly and waited for his call.

Over that wrecked face overlapped another. Someone who must have been desperate, who had once come to him and begged for defense, entered his mind.

At that time you asked me for help, but now you tell me to go.

“Jaeha.”

Seo Hamin wrapped his arms around the broad back and embraced him. He patted his trembling body and pressed his forehead against his loudly beating chest.

Unwanted kindness might be violence. Only a person can manage his own life, so maybe the right answer is to keep lines and only look across them as before. As he worried, in the end he might harm Han Jaeha.

Yet Seo Hamin did not want to keep watching in fear of wounds he would take.

“I worry about you.” If the one was Han Jaeha. He wanted to cross the line willingly and ask him to show his wounds.

“So can you let me go with you?” Just like Han Jaeha once did, he wanted to summon courage.

‎

On the signboard at the entrance of the funeral hall, the name of the deceased did not appear, just as the voice on the phone had said. They passed the general mourning rooms and went deeper until they saw a door with no clear use from outside.

They knocked and stepped in. There were already two women inside.

He bowed his head to the two middle-aged women whose relation he did not know.

Seo Hamin’s eyes widened slightly as he looked in front of him. A picture that looked like it was drawn by a child hung on the wall instead of a usual portrait.

Until then, Han Jaeha had kept his gaze on the floor, but he slowly raised his head. His eyes took in the white chrysanthemums and the black frame placed among them.

And….

“…a crazy woman to the very end.”

Han Jaeha tore down the frame. His eyes flushed red in an instant, and Seo Hamin grabbed his arm in haste. The two women screamed when they saw the act.

“Student Jaeha! Don’t do that!”

“Who allowed this lunatic’s request? Was it you?” The sound of the frame shattering rang out, and the picture inside flew out. Fense writing filled the space on the back of the overturned sheet.

Before Seo Hamin could look, Han Jaeha snatched it first. He seized the stiff paper, now only slightly discolored, and nearly crumpled it as he rushed to read the words.

As soon as his eyes fell on the picture between the chrysanthemums, a flood of feelings hit him as if all the calm he pretended to was an illusion.

A portrait? Can this even be called a portrait?

The meaning behind hanging a drawing from a forgotten childhood was obvious. Again, because of his father. Even after death, she used him for a man who would not even come here.

If fire lit inside intestines, would it feel like this? He felt like his core was burning and the crown of his head burned too. His palms stung, and his eyes ached as if they would pop out of their socket.

Had he ever felt this much rage in his life?

His hatred toward the woman intensified, because she dragged him down even in front of the only person who let him stay human. He could not even think to calm his ragged breath as he read the words written on the back. He bent both hands and curled the sheet to keep Seo Hamin from seeing, his eyes skimming over the letters.

Eyes that had strained with force came to a sudden stop. They slowly grew wider, and tears pooled inside them.

He felt something irrational and tears started running down his face without warning.

“You cannot understand your mother, but she never knew love her whole life, so she was sincere to your father.”

A woman who had stayed silent behind them whispered quietly during the uproar.

“She knew it wasn’t your fault, but whenever she saw you, she kept feeling anger she could not endure.”

“…Do I have to think about that too?”

“I’m not asking you to pity her. Just… I thought you should know.”

His rage and disgust only intensified, then he felt an urge to run away. The mad woman pulled him down to the floor even on her last path, and worst of all, Seo Hamin had to watch. He had no idea where to start or how to mend it.

What remained for him was only that one person… only Seo Hamin… only this man….

…Was that true?

His strained face regained a calm expression while he gasped. With the thundering beat of his heart in the background, Seo Hamin approached holding the armband of the chief mourner. He slid it over Han Jaeha’s arm with careful hands and stepped away.

He let out a self-deprecating laugh.

If he had been Seo Hamin, he too wouldn’t want to stay beside someone like himself.

It felt like black waves were roaring in his ears, everything felt unreal. What had been covered by glitter swept away, and a pitch-black mass swallowed him.

It was the first time.

When he was with Seo Hamin, the world always turned into background and only Seo Hamin shone, but for the first time, he looked like part of the background.

The place that had swelled with expectation and then collapsed looked shabby. He did not want to think of anything.

Until the funeral ended, no one came to the mourning room. Seo Hamin continued burning incense and tidying the place instead of him who sat vacant, and he laid a blanket over him so he could close his eyes for a while.

He dropped him off at home and he bought every kind of porridge and filled the refrigerator with them. He felt grateful for that care, maybe, or maybe not.

“I want to stay alone for a few days?”

“…Alright.”

Seo Hamin opened his mouth then closed it again as if he had something to say, but in the end he agreed. Han Jaeha did not wonder what he had meant to say. He was too worn out now to ask.

After Seo Hamin left, he answered a call from his father. His father said he wanted to talk about property and suggested they eat together.

He had not come even to the mourning room… he had forced them to decorate a storage room that looked like an office and call it a mourning room, and now, the first words he delivered on the phone were about property, which was just like him.

“I won’t take anything.”

–If you hear me out, you will change your mind.

“I won’t change. Give everything to Heo Juyeop.”

–I will split off one finance affiliate for you, so meet me in person.

From the other side of the phone came alternating shouts, “Are you crazy,” and loud voices calling for their father.

It was tiring. He had no interest in property or anything, and he did not want to deal with these people now.

He had rebelled several times before, so doing it again was not hard. He hung up and switched the phone off.

He felt torn and cut everywhere, worn to rags. He was a wreck.