CEL 59

“I still haven’t forgiven you, sunbae.”

The sudden topic made Hamin turn his head. Everyone’s eyes shifted to Ji Eunah, who puffed out her cheeks while holding her chin with both hands.

Because it was a subject everyone had silently avoided, Kim Seoryeong and Koo Chaewook wore restless faces.

All resentment toward Hamin had yielded when people said it was because Han Jaeha’s mother passed away, but that did not mean their disappointment melted away too.

The group chat that was always lively went quiet, and even when they met during class they only exchanged a few awkward greetings. Meanwhile, the final presentation drew near. They could no longer delay it by calling things uncomfortable.

Hamin twirled his mechanical pencil between his fingers and replied lightly.

“Resent me after the presentation.”

“Heartless person. Your blood must be blue, sunbae.”

“Thank you for making me a noble.”

Hamin saw Ji Eunah’s effort to lighten the mood, hr replied the same as usual. Koo Chaewook, who was watching, sighed in relief l.

What does he even think of me normally?

“Let’s drink after it ends.”

“All right.”

“Even if you say no it will not matter. No matter how cold you are, this time you must drink. Do you not think it is too much to refuse, when we spent a whole semester together like comrades?”

After firing off in a rush, Ji Eunah fell in thought. Then she remembered Hamin’s answer belatedly and opened her mouth blankly.

…Did he just say all right?

“Let’s drink after the semester ends.”

“You are not Seo Hamin. Who are you? Some Seo Hamin the Third or something?”

“Should we not first decide who will present?”

Seoryeong’s face grew faintly complex.

In the short time that passed, Hamin looked more relaxed than before. He laughed more often, and he seemed to have gained room in his heart. That pleased her, yet for some reason it left her slightly disappointed too.

She hid those childish feelings and doodled cats on her paper. Hamin, as if he had read her thoughts suddenly spoke.

“When the semester ends… I have something I want to say.”

“…What is it?”

“Something surprising.”

…Does he mean telling us they are dating?

She clamped her mouth shut. Everyone else wore faces like hers.

Seoryeong felt baffled. After making it so obvious at the sea, did they really think no one knew? They kept glancing at each other, it was a spectacle.

Should she just shout out that she already knew everything?

Don’t do that, he is about to say it.

After they exchanged looks, she nodded firmly. Fortunately, Hamin did not notice even that, and his face relaxed with satisfaction.

“How about we do our presentation like a play? It might be fun.”

“That sounds a bit like attention-seeking. How about making the PPT like a game?”

“If you do the PPT, I will think about it.”

The talk returned to the presentation, and each of them shared ideas. Most were useless, yet Hamin wrote them all down in his notebook. At that moment, Jaeha, who had been silent, tapped under the table on his thigh, and Hamin lifted his head.

Drink with me too.

He mouthed the words, and Hamin answered by holding his hand tightly. His jealousy even of a shared drink amused him.

The noise around them faded from his ears, and only Jaeha filled his eyes. Hamin’s lips curved with delight, and it was a pleasing sight.

The three others, watching the two of them lost in their own world, let out baffled laughs.

Honey dripped from the way they looked at each other, and still they thought no one noticed? The three shook their heads, unsure whether to like this human side of Hamin or to feel dumbfounded.

After a long discussion, they agreed that Koo Chaewook would present, Ji Eunah and Kim Seoryeong would handle the PPT, and Hamin and Jaeha would organize the materials.

On the way back, Hamin got into Jaeha’s car. Jaeha turned the wheel toward his own home without hesitation. Hamin thought it was strange, but he leaned quietly against the seatback. By now, more of his belongings were in Jaeha’s house than his own, and even to himself it looked hardly different from cohabitation.

As he gazed out the window with soft music playing, the phone in his hand buzzed.

He glanced at the caller and pressed the button. Thinking of the timing, the call arrived late.

–Hyung, I failed the CSAT….

“Why are you telling me that now?”

–Because I just checked the scores.

So he was saying he checked results more than two weeks after the CSAT and only now fell into despair.

The outcome was no surprise. What amazed Hamin was only the reaction, the boy had not really expected to fail.

“Go to a different university.”

–I cannot…. Han Siwoo is going to Korea University.

“What does that have to do with you?”

–You don’t understand. Do you know how sensitive he is? I have to take care of him.

Kwon Doyoung poured out his grievances for a long time, then added as if he only just remembered it.

– Oh, and uncle said you should come for a haircut.

“I am hanging up.”

Hamin ended the call without hesitation. Immediately another call came, but he switched to silent and slipped the phone into his bag. Jaeha, who was watching from the side, voiced his discontent.

“Why does he keep contacting you?”

“He must not have any friends.”

“I don’t like him calling you hyung either.”

He complained that he still called Hamin sunbae. Hamin patted the hand on the wheel lightly and said,

“I like being called sunbae better.”

Those simple words made the twenty-one-year-old’s mood better, and Hamin leaned his cheek against the window. The car rattled, making his head thump, but the cool glass felt good.

Autumn had already passed, and winter was closing in fast. He had few good memories of winter, yet he hoped this one would make good memories with Jaeha. He blew a faint breath.

Future.

He traced the word with his finger, then quickly rubbed it out with his palm.

When winter passed, he would be a fourth-year, and he soon would graduate. Once again, the worry that sometimes muddled his head returned.

Unlike before, when he only wanted success without thought, now that desire had faded, and after graduation he did not know what path to take.

Should I just join a public enterprise and live comfortably….?

That way he could secure time with Jaeha. Or entering the same company as him would be good too. After graduation, they could see each other in the same place, and that was not a bad condition.

“…Should I stop being a lawyer?”

“Why? You like crushing people like a psychopath, sunbae.”

Who was he calling a psychopath?

At Hamin’s baffled look, Jaeha met his eyes with a gaze that said, is that not true?

“Did you suddenly stop wanting to be a lawyer? You always acted like you already passed.”

“If I just join an ordinary company, I could work with you too….”

Jaeha slammed the brake. The car halted suddenly, horns blared behind them, and Hamin’s eyes widened.

He was just as startled. His heart pounded from the unexpected answer, and his eyelids trembled.

“Are you crazy?”

“Uh, ah… w, wait a second.”

He pulled over and turned on the hazard lights. As he calmed his startled heard and stared ahead, Hamin asked,

“Should I drive?”

“No, it’s just, you startled me when you suddenly said that.”

“What did I say?

“T-To work at the same company with me….”

Hamin pressed his palm to Jaeha’s forehead with a serious face, wondering whether this was something worth that much surprise. The cool touch seemed to pull Jaeha’s scattered mind back.

Why are his hands so cold?

Jaeha drew his hands together, one pressed against Hamin’s hand on his forehead, and he blew on them, rubbing them clumsily. Looking at those hands that, like their owner’s nature, never warmed easily, he muttered.

“I should buy gloves.”

“…Gloves?”

“Your hands are cold, sunbae. What if you catch a cold?”

Hamin looked at him with unreadable eyes for a long time, then he quietly pulled his hand away.

“So why were you surprised?”

“…Because I am in Western Art, so I can’t get into a good company. My grades aren’t great, and from now on they will be worse.”

“I know.”

“Even so, you still want to work at the same company with me?”

Only then did Hamin realize why Han Jaeha was so overly surprised.

How on earth do I look in his eyes?

“Neither of us seems very greedy for money. I don’t care.”

“…We might end up in a company nobody has ever heard of.”

“As long as you and I know it, that is enough.”

Jaeha looked he would cry. He looked more overwhelmed and moved than when he received a confession, and Hamin, embarrassed, curled his fingers into a fist.

“I like that what I like is you.”

Han Jaeha liked being with him. He liked eating together, he liked falling asleep together, he liked talking together. And Hamin wanted to grant most of what Han Jaeha wished for.

If he went to law school and later into a law firm, there would be far less time to share such small things.

So perhaps it would be better to enter a suitable company instead and settle quickly.

“I don’t think you want to be a lawyer because of some goal.”

“That is very wrong thinking….”

“You don’t know what your look like face when you plead, right? It really shines. It looks like stars in your eyes.”

“Impossible.”

Hamin, who once had literal stars in his eyes, immediately denied, but Jaeha stayed unyielding.

“If I had first seen you in a courtroom, I would definitely have fallen for you right there.”

Hamin recalled the past Jaeha who stammered with a stunned look. It didn’t seem like empty words.

“Since I like you too, I want you to do what you like.”

Han Jaeha often complained that he used the words “I like you” like a weapon, but the one most shaken by those words was himself.

Hamin leaned his hot cheeks against the glass again, dodging the answer. He did not really believe he loved being a lawyer, but the thought of a future without it felt awkward too. In the end, he was back to the start.

“Think it over slowly. There is still time.”

“…All right.”

He let out a sigh. He felt a little lost.

•••

The weekend when Han Jaeha said he would meet his father came.

Hamin used it as an excuse and went to the salon early in the morning to got his hair cut. When the boss said if he was going to waste his face like that then he should give it to him instead, Hamin ignored him, and he saw a style that looked like it could appear on screen.

He glared needlessly at Kim Hyunwoo, who avoided his eyes saying he knew nothing. Even he thought it was overdone.

“This will look normal once you wash the blow-dry out.”

“I will wash my hair before I go.”

“Your boyfriend will like it too, right?”

“What are you saying?”

“He cannot be dating you for your personality, so he must be a face-con type… there is no way he would dislike it.”

Was Han Jaeha face-con….?

He agreed with the part about not dating him for his personality and nodded a little. Well, just for a day. Maybe it did not matter.

“I will pay.”

“Look at you. How could I take money from Doyoung’s teacher? Forget it, just come often.”

As the owner brushed his face carefully with a sponge, Hamin gave an awkward cough. He had taken money like that, yet Doyoung failed to enter the university he wanted, so Hamin had some responsibility too.

“…Should I refund part of it?”

“I am not that petty.”

“But in the end he did not get into university….”

“University? Doyoung got into Haneul University.”

Hamin blinked in surprise. He had said he would not apply anywhere but Korea University, yet it seemed he had submitted after all.

“He made a fuss at first about not going, then suddenly said he had to go to Haneul University… apparently his friend goes there.”

Hamin paused, then let out a faint sigh.

Well, whatever. As long as he goes somewhere it is fine.

Before leaving, he turned back with an “ah.” Looking at Kim Hyunwoo’s confused face, he said,

“Let’s have a meal together sometime.”

“A meal? Well, sure.”

“With my boyfriend.”

“What?”

Hamin hurried away as Hyunwoo widened his eyes with a ridiculous face.

Before even reaching the subway station, dozens of texts arrived. They were meaningless lines like sign a contract. Hamin replied, Let’s eat after the semester ends. Only then did the noisy phone quiet down.

Did he get fooled all this time?

He also answered Han Jaeha’s text that asked, Did you get a haircut? When he told him to see for himself, the reply came back asking for a photo.

Hamin stopped dead in place and swiped the screen awkwardly. After a moment’s hesitation, he switched the phone to selfie mode and lifted it to face height. Since he had never taken a photo of himself, it felt clumsy and embarrassing. It was the first time he had even pressed the camera switch button.

“…I am really doing all sorts of nonsense.”

With a bored face he snapped a few quick photos, when a passerby suddenly approached him.

“Shall I take the photo for you?”

“What?”

“I will take it for you!”

Before Hamin could even answer, the sociable woman snatched the phone and stepped back.

…Theft?

His eyes went wide in shock, and then the shutter clicked repeatedly.

“Would you lower your hands naturally, or put them in your coat pocket?”

Without thinking he followed her words and put both hands in his pockets, and she scolded, “No, just one hand.”

He pressed one hand awkwardly to his thigh and stiffened his face. It was so sudden that he felt disoriented b

“Ah, the expression looks too stiff, what a pity… do you have an animal you like or something? Think of something cute, something cute.”

“Something cute….”

He mumbled, and unconsciously thought of Han Jaeha’s large figure.

He remembered the way Jaeha had rushed over last night clutching his finger after a paper cut, and his face relaxed.

Always such a crybaby.

His lips curled up, and his eyes rounded. He forgot for a moment that she was taking photos, and as he smiled, the shutter fired rapidly again. The woman returned the phone.

“You should have smiled like that from the start! Here you go.”

“Thank you.”

“But are you by chance a celebrity? Could you sign for me?”

So that was why she offered to take the photo. Hamin tilted his head with a puzzled face.

His hair had been styled a bit too much, yet not enough to look like a celebrity… if celebrity meant anything, it was looks like Han Jaeha’s.

Hamin explained the truth and politely refused, then boarded the subway. Having ridden only in Jaeha’s car lately, using public transport alone felt unfamiliar.

He picked a couple of the photos taken on the street that looked decent even to him and sent them. He had expected that Jaeha would immediately check, but the “1” mark on the screen showed no sign of disappearing.

Did they meet?

When Hamin thought of Han Jaeha returning after an uncomfortable lunch, his own stomach felt unwell for no reason. He counted the remaining bus stops while he thought that he should buy digestive medicine on his way home.

He thought maybe he should go pick up Han Jaeha, but he stopped. He had no car, so what would he even do if he went?

He was not a child, so he would handle it himself. Hamin thought that way, and he closed his eyes.