CEL 61

Most people say that when someone starts to like another person, the narrow world expands and the person walks out toward somewhere broader.

They say that because of that, the first time one invites someone else into a life where only oneself existed, it can’t help but become a thrilling and joyful thing.

But the first love that came to him was very different from what people usually described.

The background disappeared as though someone had rubbed it away clumsily with an eraser, and only that man remained in the world.

“The defendant is now regretting the unwise past days and he is reflecting on them.”

The voice that always scrambled his head grew distant, and a calm tone brushed his ear.

Jaeha fixed his eyes on the man who delivered words better than he, an actor, and he listened to the pounding sound of his own heart.

“I sincerely ask you to give the defendant, who is regretting the past, a chance to find a new path.”

It was a moment when the entire world seemed colored by that man.

•••

He could not remember his childhood well.

He did not know if that was fortunate or unfortunate, but when he pieced together the scattered fragments that came to mind, he thought it leaned closer to fortunate.

He thought so because of the story that the very first word he ever spoke after being born was ‘Jaehyeon-ssi.’

His childhood seemed salty, rough, and heated.

The mansion built in a secluded spot away from the neighborhood housing area felt, in hindsight, closer to a villa, but at that time he was too young to feel anything strange about it.

Including his mother and himself, five people lived in the mansion.

There was Aunt Hyesuk who handled cleaning and cooking, and there was an uncle whose name he never learned who sometimes drove them when they went to the city.

There was also Uncle Seungho, whose work no one could ever figure out.

About once every two or three weeks, his father came by, but he did not spend much time there.

Jaeha felt regret about that.

It was less because he vaguely liked his father and more because the time when his mother smiled, the only time, was too short, and that made him upset.

He could break into a wide grin even when he only played with a seashell that carried the sound of the sea, but his mother couldn’t.

She spent most of her time staring out the window with a blank face.

Young Jaeha sometimes poked his head out beside her and looked out at the scenery with her.

He must have been curious about what was so interesting that made his mother stare out all day.

The blue sea glittered with bright sunlight in the day, but at night the pitch-black waves looked fierce, as if they could swallow a person whole.

The waves that sounded cheerful during the day crashed violently at night, as though they might sweep the entire house away.

One night, he suddenly grew scared.

What if those frightening waves swallowed him and his mother?

His father was far away and could not save them.

Even when the thought only brushed him, tears welled up in his eyes.

Holding a toy train in his hands and shaking it from side to side, Jaeha finally cried.

“Daddy….”

The cheerful laughter stopped, and two pairs of eyes fell on him.

The chill in the gazes made his shoulders shrink.

When he closed his eyes and hiccuped, his father approached him.

“My Jaeha, what is wrong? Do you hurt somewhere?”

“The sea… it is scawy.”

Silence followed.

His flustered mother chattered noisily about how good this place was, and his father half-listened while he hesitated, then left the mansion like someone who had made a decision.

The strange thing happened the next day.

People in black clothes rushed in and packed things up.

Uncle Seungho spoke to him and his mother, who were left bewildered.

“You will move to Seoul.”

Before Jaeha even understood those words, he lifted his head and looked at his mother.

For the first time in a long while, her light brown eyes turned toward him.

The eyes that had always looked at waves or sand or pebbles, all lifeless things, now carried a new glimmer as they looked at him.

“Uh….”

His young heart could not know if that was good or bad, and he was afraid.

His mother bent her knees and hugged him.

“Good job, my Jaeha. Really, really good job. So… so pretty.”

“Jaeha… pwetty?”

“Yes, very. Very pretty.”

Though he felt confused, the first touch patting his bottom felt so pleasant it seemed like he floated in the sky. His cheeks flushed red.

From that day, similar things happened several more times. Those were the things that could make his mother happy.

Every time he said he wanted to see his father a bit more often or he wanted the whole family to eat jjajangmyeon together, his father looked down at him silently and granted everything he wished.

Because the more he asked from his father, the more often his mother smiled, he felt a little proud back then. He felt like he had become a hero who guarded the peace of the family.

They were peaceful days.

Now his mother smiled often even when his father was absent, she picked fish meat and placed it on his bowl, and at night she gave him a goodnight kiss while telling him to sleep well.

In those moments, he heard the pounding sound of his heart and he fell into deep sleep.

He did not need dreams. Reality tasted sweeter than dreams.

Because of that, he never thought that peace could break so quickly.

“Who is this kid?”

Maybe the trouble started because he did not even doubt his father’s words when he said they would eat out without his mother today.

Jaeha felt two gazes fall on him and he hunched his shoulders. One was a middle-aged woman around his father’s age, and one was a boy about his own age.

“He is my son.”

“I am your son.”

“He is also my son. So… he will be Juyeop’s younger brother.”

Juyeop’s twisted eyes landed on him as though he could not understand anything. But he felt the same confusion. No, if one of them understood even less, it was him.

Why does Father have another son? What do these words mean? Who are these people?

In the place without his mother or Uncle Seungho, only his father could be on his side.

When he grabbed his father’s suit pants and made a crying face, his father gave an awkward smile and explained.

“Jaeha. This is Father’s son, Heo Juyeop. And this is Juyeop’s mother. You can call her aunt. Father hopes our Jaeha will get along with the two of them.”

“…Then, what about my mother? Does Mother not get along?”

Everything was confusing.

When he could not accept the situation and finally wailed loudly, his father hugged him and patted him over and over.

Meanwhile, Heo Juyeop struck Father’s thigh with his little hands.

“Father! Why do you hug him! I am your son! Put him down! Put him dowwnn! I hate it!”

Because both children burst into tears, that day’s meeting ended in disorder.

But similar things happened again and again.

The only difference was that later his mother joined too, to calm him when he could not settle down.

“Jaehyeon-ssi, the sea bream here tastes so good. Eat plenty.”

“Our Jaeha, do you like sea bream?”

“Father! Give me sea bream!”

Mealtimes became battlefields each time.

His mother seized the seat next to Father no matter what and piled countless side dishes on his plate, and the aunt stared at her in disbelief.

Father ignored both women and only focused on the children.

Caught in the middle, Jaeha did not know what face to make, while Juyeop strained himself to grab Father’s attention at any cost.

Jaeha discovered the truth of this strange relationship only after he entered school.

As he talked with children his age, he naturally realized how abnormal his situation was.

The root of the problem was one thing.

Father’s strange obsession with family made him unable to throw Jaeha away completely, but at the same time it made him unable to accept him.

Even while showing affection toward him through glances, Father endlessly watched Juyeop and the aunt.

Whenever that happened, the two of them glared at him with burning eyes.

Sometimes he wondered if eyes alone could kill a person.

As time passed, everything collapsed further.

His mother’s eyes grew colder more often, as if the days when she smiled at him had been dreams.

“Han Jaeha. Why are you not eating spinach? Heo Juyeop eats it well, and Jaehyeon-ssi praised him. Why do you make me ashamed by being picky?”

“That is….”

“Why do you even let that woman beat me with something like this? Why?! Why do you do that?!”

His mother became more and more sensitive.

One day she kneaded his legs and said he must grow taller.

Another day she pressed down on his crown and said he must be shorter than now.

Another day she said he must gain more weight.

He understood the meaning of that strange behavior a little later.

His mother wished he were Juyeop.

It felt like a small blade cut into his chest, but he braced his heart.

If he became someone better than Juyeop-hyung, if he pleased Father, then he thought everything could turn out fine.

That thought was partly right.

Third year of elementary school.

When he ran home holding a report card filled with triple-digit scores for every subject, Father truly rejoiced, and his mother looked at such a Father with rapture.

After that, even though no one ordered him, he threw himself into study with all his strength.

If something like that could make his mother happy, then there was nothing he could not do.

At that time, no one told him that he should not live that way.

•••

He glanced at Juyeop-hyung sitting across him and waved lightly.

Then Juyeop’s harsh features crumpled, and his face turned away.

Hyung also came to the math contest. I must work hard too.

He lowered his hand awkwardly and scratched the back of his head.

Since hyung was three years older, the chance of winning over him was low, but still he wanted to do his best.

But the results that came out days later were unexpected.

He was first place, and Juyeop-hyung was second.

Because it was a result hard to believe, he asked several times if the scoring had been done correctly, but each time the teacher kindly gave the same answer that it was correct.

Only after he heard the sixth answer did a bright smile appear on Jaeha’s face.

Since this time he beat hyung too, this time he would receive even more praise, right?

But on the day he ran to his father with that swelling expectation, Jaeha faced his father’s flustered face for the first time.

Father did not pat his bottom and praise him as usual.

Instead, he comforted Juyeop-hyung, who was drenched in tears, and he spoke soothing words to the aunt, who glared at Jaeha as if he were her lifelong enemy.

“Father, I took first place.”

“…Jaeha, today will you go home with Mother?”

What did he do when he heard those words? He thought he first looked at his mother’s face.

The moment he met his mother’s strangely expressionless face, Jaeha realized something had gone wrong.

After that day, his excellent grades no longer became his mother’s pride.

Even if he pushed himself to bring home perfect scores, his father always checked Juyeop-hyung’s expression first instead of his own.

Whenever Juyeop showed even a slightly sullen face, without fail Father said “my Juyeop,” and he placed the large son on his knees.

Watching that, the aunt looked down on Jaeha with a triumphant face behind Father’s back.

After such events repeated a couple of times, he gave up on earning good scores.

But when he purposely brought home a score of thirty, his father grew angry, and for the first time his mother hit his calves.

For young Jaeha, such behavior from both parents was deeply confusing.

Failures repeated many times.

Getting the scores that they wanted was much harder than either failing or excelling at tests.

And only after a year did Jaeha understand what Father desired.

Not too poor but not too outstanding.

So, when he placed himself half a step below Juyeop, Father showed satisfaction.

Because of that, Jaeha fulfilled Father’s expectations around the time he entered middle school.

Only then did it seem that the peace everyone longed for finally arrived.

“Jaehyeon-ssi has no more interest in Jaeha. What should I do?”

Or peace came for everyone except one.

His mother collapsed quickly.

As company shares and the Gangnam house started passing one by one toward Heo Juyeop in his school uniform, her anxiety reached the peak.

At that time, since he was nothing more than an ordinary mediocre middle schooler, she grew even more desperate.

In earlier days, Jaeha would have done anything to make his mother smile, but now he closed his eyes to her strange behavior as if he did not see it.

Every night a gloomy thought consumed him that nothing could work anymore.

The more that happened, the more his mother’s obsession deepened.

She wished he became a good child loved by everyone, and if his name spread over trivial incidents, she turned pale and gasped endlessly.

She became especially sensitive to anything that caused trouble no matter whose fault it was.

On the day she heard he quarreled with a friend over a small matter, she slapped his cheek for the first time.

Despite such efforts, Father’s interest drifted further, and meals together with them grew fewer.

Even the house in Seocho District was set for relocation to Paju.

He did not feel much sorrow even while packing boxes to prepare for the move.

He only thought a silly thought, maybe if bodies grew distant, hearts could also grow distant.

After school, he pushed open the big door and stepped inside the house.

No formal greeting of “Did you return well” passed between them.

He gave a sidelong glance to his mother staring blankly at the wall, and he entered his own room.

As soon as he put down his schoolbag, he stuffed clothes and things into luggage.

He knew that as boxes piled untidily, his mother’s eyes grew emptier, but Jaeha only wished they left that place quickly.

While he crumpled unimportant things into the boxes, the closed door opened carefully and someone stepped in.

It was Uncle Seungho.

He silently helped beside him with the packing.

Unlike Jaeha, he arranged things neatly in order.

Jaeha thought that puzzling behavior a little bothersome.

If he meant to fuss like that, he would rather have left, he thought, when Seungho’s eyes grew round as he looked at Jaeha’s drawings.

He lifted it.

“Did Jaeha draw this?”

“…Yes.”

The answer that broke the silence came out stiff. Since his feelings toward him were poor, there was no way the words could sound gentle.

At first, his relationship with Uncle Seungho was not bad.

If not for the incident three years ago that day, maybe it would still have been fine.

“You know it will be big trouble if the President finds out.”

“Then what do you expect me to do! He has no interest in me anymore…. I will meet the reporters. I will meet them and tell them everything.”

The hand that stroked his mother’s back while she sobbed like a child was too sticky to be mere comfort.

The act of planting kisses on her temple did not look like normal interaction between acquaintances.

If he had only seen that much, he might have dismissed it as a dirty connection, but the mistake came when he moved his steps toward the voice leaking from the study late at night.

“Yes, well. It is almost done.” What does that mean?

He peeked through the crack of the open door.

Unlike usual, Uncle Seungho leaned back in the chair with both legs up on the desk and swung his limp arm.

He chuckled and nodded repeatedly as if listening to someone’s words for a long time, and then he replied.

“Anyway, you make a big fuss just to settle the family register. You had better prepare properly what you promised.”

Settle, family register, promised.

Strange words tangled in his head.

He unconsciously stepped back, and the wooden floor rang loudly.

He covered his mouth and glanced at the floor once, then he slowly raised his head.

He met tired eyes and face.

Uncle Seungho did not turn his eyes away.

Instead, he was amused, he lifted the corner of his lips slowly.

“If you want to make him into a decent young father, you must endure at least that much, President.”

Even recalling it later made his skin crawl, so he tried not to grimace and turned his gaze aside, but Uncle Seungho murmured in admiration.

“Impressive. Did your teacher never say you have talent?”

“He did.”

“Then, why not boast a little?”

“To whom?”

His retort closed Seungho’s mouth slowly.

His gaze, now carrying a peculiar light as if he discovered something, lingered on him for a long time.

“Give it to me. It is trash.”

“…Can I keep it? Because it is drawn so well.”

“Go ahead, then.”

His weary eyes dropped to the floor.

He only wished that man left the place quickly.