CEL 64

He tried to prepare, and he saw that he had no black suit. Nobody had ever told him that he needed at least one suit, so it was natural.

He walked into some department store and bought the darkest black clothing he could find. The sleeves and pants were a little short, but no guests would come to offer condolences anyway, so it did not matter.

The way to the mourning hall took only forty minutes, but it felt like forty days had passed and his body was exhausted. When he stepped into the desolate place blocked on all sides, a middle-aged woman with reddened eyes and a person who introduced herself as his mother’s old friend had already arrived.

He raised his head and stared straight ahead. A faint scent rose in the air, and between pure white chrysanthemums lay a frame with a black border. Inside that frame…

“…a crazy woman to the very end.”

His teeth ground so hard that his jaw clicked, and he walked forward. He yanked the frame off roughly.

“Student Jaeha! Don’t do that!”

“Who listened to this lunatic? It was that woman, right?” He threw the wooden frame wherever his hand reached. A loud crack sounded when the frame broke, and what lay inside bounced out.

“Who puts something like this for a portrait of the deceased?”

In the place where her memorial photograph should have been, it was not a photograph at all. To be exact, it was not even a picture.

A large frame held a drawing forced to fit, the first drawing of his mother’s face that Jaeha had ever drawn on paper after he was born.

Four years old? Or was it five? He could not remember anymore. Seeing that very first drawing hung there made his skin crawl. He felt dizzy with heat at the thought that she had done this to look good for his father until the moment she died.

He reached out to rip the drawing immediately, but his hand froze when he saw the back of the old paper filled with letters.

Should I hire a painter when he grows up..? But painters cannot make money..

The handwriting showed traces of hesitation, blurred lines like yellowed paper worn down with time.

Sorry for making you live here, sorry for not praising you.

Sorry for getting angry.

Each time the pen changed thickness and color, the letters grew clearer toward the bottom. Jaeha’s mouth opened slowly at the mass of apologies.

He stopped breathing when he reached the very end.

Sorry for loving your father, sorry for being weak.

Ploc.

Tears fell onto the old paper. He did not know what emotion caused them, but one thing was certain, it was not sadness. Maybe it was closer to the desire to erase these useless words from the world.

“You cannot understand your mother, but she never knew love her whole life, so she was sincere to your father.”

“……”

“She knew it was not your fault, but whenever she saw you she kept getting angry, and she couldn’t bear it.”

“…Do I have to think about that too?”

“I am not asking you to pity her. I just thought you should know.” Why did people always speak cruelly to him as if it was nothing?

He laughed at the way they shoved burdens onto him just to ease their own hearts. If he knew that, would anything change. Was he supposed to fall to the floor and think, ah, mother really loved me after all.

Maybe, as she said, his mother did like him. Maybe it was close to affection.

But so what?

In the end, he had always been pushed aside, and that was why he had only been used. Even if she came back to life, that fact would not change.

Not every unloved child turned out like his mother. No matter how they wrapped it in fine words, his mother was nothing but a madwoman and a child abuser.

Maybe because he had never known a normal family, he no longer even remembered what his younger self had wished for.

When his grip loosened, the fragile paper slipped to the floor. He was tired of this petty farce.

Only after a long time passed did he pick up the black mourning armband from the desk and strap it on his arm. A single piece of cloth felt as heavy as lead.

The hall stayed silent. For the three days of the funeral, not a single mourner came.

•••

“Han Jaeha, take one company.”

“Dad!”

The words had been aimed at him, but the answer came from Heo Juyeop.

“I will cut off one financial subsidiary and give it to you, so help your brother with it.”

“Honey, are you crazy?”

“I thought about it for a long time and decided. Jaeha grew up without a father. I believe I should give him at least this much.”

Could they not have had this debate beforehand when he was not there. He sipped water quietly as he watched Heo Juyeop and the woman shout with bloodshot eyes. He flinched a little when he heard that his father would bypass all the other subsidiaries and give him a financial one, but that was all.

“Do you think a kid who only drew pictures can run a company? He will be lucky not to ruin it.”

“I will put someone by his side to teach him. He takes after me in brains at least.” The way his father talked right after his mother’s death showed that it had all been planned. Considering his father’s abnormal obsession with bloodlines and family, it was not surprising. This was a man who insisted even grown illegitimate children call him dad instead of father.

“I will not take that company.”

“Don’t be stubborn. I heard from Professor Tak. Your grades are mediocre these days, right?” His father’s greatest wish had been for him to become a famous painter, but after realizing that was impossible, he had switched immediately, pestering people everywhere to make him a professor. It was absurd. Why was everyone making a fuss with his life?

Feeling weary, he looked at Heo Juyeop’s reddened eyes. Seeing him wriggle in his seat because he could not control his temper, Jaeha muttered calmly.

“I will go to the army.”

“…The army?”

His father had probably thought Jaeha would avoid service just like Heo Juyeop, who had made bizarre claims to get exempted. He looked slightly surprised. After a moment of thought, his father nodded in approval.

“Right. In these times, a man who does not serve gets cursed. Go, then come back and take it.” Jaeha just smiled without answering. Heo Juyeop ground his teeth and glared with a face that seemed to ask what scheme is this now, but Jaeha moved his chopsticks as if he did not notice. His stomach churned. He wanted to get home and vomit it all out.

After serving in the army, he refused the succession with graduation as his excuse. After graduation, he refused again with graduate school as his excuse. His father did not like it, but since it was rare for Jaeha to say he wanted to do something, he silently allowed the defiance.

During that time, Heo Juyeop built his base steadily. He formed ties with directors of major subsidiaries and secured his standing in the company. But since he was so lacking, even a small incident left him floundering and making foolish moves. Each time Jaeha saw such news, he sighed.

“Now I have no excuse left.”

Soon he would graduate from graduate school. He wondered if he should even go for a doctorate, but he refused from that point on.

He walked the street while despairing over the pitch-dark future.

“…Excuse me.”

He tilted his head at a man who blocked his way with a doubtful look. When he answered “Yes?” the hesitant man carefully asked,

“Do you belong to an agency by any chance?”

“An agency?”

“You do not look like an ordinary person in a mask… If you don’t belong to one, would you consider trying modeling?” …A new kind of scam?

When he was young, he had been street-cast a few times, but once he grew older, never again. He instinctively thought of pyramid schemes and stepped back, but the man waved his hands and held out a business card.

“I am not a strange person! Here, I work here.” ZG, was that not a major agency?

The card did not look fake, so his face showed doubt, and the man said if he was suspicious they could meet at the company headquarters, and he wished he would call before he disappeared.

Even after he returned home, he could not throw away the black-background card, and he kept fiddling with it.

“If it is modeling… then it is like being a celebrity?”

It seemed like a respectable enough job, not bad. The best point was that Heo Juyeop would underestimate him for it.

That man was the type who mocked people he saw on television as entertainers or punks, like some middle-aged man in his fifties, so if Jaeha said he would become a celebrity, he would welcome it with open arms.

The more he thought about it, the less bad the offer seemed. That was why the time he spent hesitating was short. He dialed the number on the card, expressed his intention to sign, and stamped the contract within a day.

Of course, his father scolded him a little when he heard the news, asking why he signed a contract alone without a lawyer, but when Jaeha answered that it was something he really wanted to try, he kept his mouth shut. He must have quickly calculated that it was a happy ending for everyone.

If the word contradiction became a person, it would be his father. Jaeha thought this kind of unfilial thought with ease and laughed. His old dilemma was solved, so he had no reason not to laugh.

He spent the years crossing from his twenties into his thirties as a model, and once he entered his thirties, he began acting on the agency’s recommendation.

Nothing was difficult. Maybe because he had acted since he was very young, pretending to be someone else in front of a camera felt easier.

The agency seemed regretful that he did not land a major hit, but he preferred it that way. He did not want to draw the attention of those family members.

“Jaeha, have you read the script?”

“Yes, I liked all of it.”

“Really? Then how about trying that courtroom drama this time? It is written by Writer Park Mooncheol.” That… strange-titled drama?

He remembered the retro title ‘That Lawyer Does Not Want To Be Loved’ and made an awkward face, so the manager rushed to explain.

“Even if the title looks odd… this one really feels like it will be a big hit. The female lead will be Han Sua, Han Sua.”

“Is this what the company wants?”

The manager turned his head slightly at the question, and Jaeha sighed. He had never refused what the company wanted, so he could not understand why the manager always acted so cautious.

“If it is that, I will do it.”

“…If you do not want to, I can try to explain it well.”

“No, it was a lawyer role, right? I think it will be fun.”

The manager kept watching him through the rearview mirror. Jaeha waited quietly, since it seemed he had more to say, and the manager finally spoke in ‎a ‎hesitant tone.

“Jaeha, do you want to take a break?”

“Why suddenly?”

The manager pulled the car over and turned on the hazard lights without answering. It was dawn, so few cars passed, and the flashing orange light felt jarring.

“I have been with you since your debut.”

“Yes, and I have always been thankful.”

“But I still do not really know you.” What did that mean?

Jaeha lowered the script he had been toying with and shut his mouth. They had spent years together, more than anyone, yet it was the first time the manager said something like that. His heart dropped without him knowing. Old habits fanned his anxiety.

“Did I do something wrong?”

“You are still young. You can try everything you want.”

“I am already doing that.”

“You do not realize how you look, do you? To me, you look just…”

His stern eyes narrowed slightly. He swallowed his words and clenched his fist, and Jaeha lowered his gaze.

“…Do I look strange?”

“Can’t you tell hyung at least a little? What is hard for you?” Strange words.

Nothing had been hard lately, so how could anything be hard. If he had said he looked different from ordinary people, or that he seemed like a madman, Jaeha would have understood, but the embarrassing word “hard” felt alien, even repulsive.

“I have nothing hard. Nothing happened, so what could be hard?” His firm words made the manager look hurt.

Why did he feel hurt? What was their relationship anyway?

The first thought that came to him seeing those eyes was that it was tiring. Why did people always show faces that expected something from him when he had done nothing? It was a boring, tiresome pattern.

He fastened another lock over his heart, already hardened and unresponsive to any stir.

Life had long been dull and dry. They said that a bird raised with shackles on its ankles cannot fly alone even after the shackles are removed and the door is opened. Jaeha thought he was exactly like that.

Each day was neither fun nor not fun. He only thought meaningless thoughts like, “is there even a reason I should keep living like this?” Not long ago, he had stared at a kitchen knife stuck in the utensil holder for over thirty minutes. He had no intention, but he still did it.

So had he finally gone insane.m?

He rubbed the callus on his fingertip. Nothing mattered anyway, he only wanted to be alone.