CEL 67

A few weeks had not passed when news came that his father had died. It came through a lawyer.

He did not go to the funeral. There was no reason to go and get his hair grabbed for nothing. The dead man would not have welcomed him anyway.

The issue of inheritance stayed complicated, but for now he decided to take the inheritance himself first and then hand it over to Heo Juyeop. Taxes would come out to a fair amount, but that was not something he could control.

With a heavy mind he picked up the herbal medicine. His manager had urged him again and again to take it, saying his complexion had looked poor lately and he must take it. He did not feel like eating anything, but the earnest face kept surfacing in his sight.

He cut the corner diagonally and brought it to his lips. When he sucked, he smelled the bitter scent of medicinal herbs. He had barely swallowed two or three sips when he pulled his mouth away without realizing and blinked fast.

…Even if it is herbal medicine, could it really be this bitter?

His heart beat fast in a strange way. He did not even have time to groan before he collapsed to the floor. His mind went blank as he belatedly realized that something was wrong.

When he opened his eyes, what he first saw was a doctor in a white gown and policemen with troubled looks. They told him a report had been filed accusing him of drug use, and without even giving him time to gather himself they transferred him to the police station.

Rather than thinking “Did it really have to go this far,” what came first was the feeling that this was just like Heo Juyeop.

It was a perfectly scripted play. Neighbors upstairs and downstairs whom he had never even seen became joint buyers of ecstasy.

The police spoke with an awkward look.

“Do you know the dosage you took at the end was extremely dangerous? If you had taken a little more, you might have died instantly.”

That remark made him regret it a little. The thought that he should have swallowed all of it even if it was bitter.

Because there was no particular resistance and no other drugs were found, the following investigation proceeded without detention. Multiple interrogations and constant pressure from his agency made each day exhausting.

“I-I really… really didn’t know, Jaeha. The boss just told me to give it to you, to make sure you ate it… that it was something good…”

“Hyung. I’m fine.”

“Should I, should I testify? Hm?”

Behind the tearful voice, he recalled the face that had laughed brightly not long ago, saying his second child had been born.

Had the manager really not known?

Bleak thoughts tore through his head.

He did not know. Since everyone in the world only deceived him, it had become hard to tell what was real and what was false. No, it didn’t really matter whether his words were truth or lies.

“You don’t need to testify, but can you grant me one favor?

“…What is it?

“I want to appoint the lawyer I want.” At that unexpected request, the manager stayed silent for a moment, then immediately agreed and set up the schedule. For that one thing he felt grateful.

Even if the manager turned out to be part of this play, it would still be fine.

The next day, as soon as he stepped out of the house, reporters swarmed him like a swarm of bees. The culprit was obvious.

“Mr. Han Jaeha, is it true you were investigated for drug use?”

“There is talk of ecstasy. Why did you take ecstasy?”

“Neighbors have given statements one after another, what do you think about that?”

“Please say something! Mr. Han Jaeha!”

In that comedy-like situation, he let out a small breath. He was already tired, and his body felt drained.

He tried to leave the place without a word as usual, but today the reporters grabbed his arm and his collar and would not let go. His breath caught. He felt like he was locked inside a prison made of people.

His body stiffened as though cold water ran from his heart through his body. It was horrifying to have microphones shoved in his face with eyes gleaming like hyenas over an issue not even confirmed.

“I did nothing.” Speaking up came out as a rather impulsive act.

“What do you mean by nothing? Are you saying the drug use is not true?”

“Can you explain specifically?”

“…I really did not.”

The slowly spoken words went straight into their notebooks.

His first honest words returned to him as sensational headlines. Looking at thousands of malicious comments and cold ridicule, he gave a bitter smile. He had expected it, but still felt hurt, and that made him laugh at himself.

Who in this world would be on his side?

•••

Inside a white conference room, Jaeha, who had been waiting for someone, smiled when he saw the person come in. He felt glad at the sight of a familiar face after a long time.

As he beamed at Hamin, who looked tired and sat down with both arms folded on the desk, Jaeha brought up the main point right away.

“Could you defend me?”

“Defend you?”

He asked back in surprise.

Jaeha scanned his face, where the corners of his lips drooped. Fortunately, it did not seem like he saw him as a stranger.

“I refuse.”

“I will pay you a lot.”

“I have plenty of money too.”

“I will really pay you a lot.”

Hamin looked tired of dragging out a useless conversation. He knew he should not hold on to a busy man, but somehow it amused him. The mind that had been restless for months felt calm.

“I really did nothing wrong.”

“If you are innocent, then you will win in court even without me.” There are more trials in the world where even the flawless cannot win. It was almost funny to hear such words from the very man who would know that best.

“But I want you to take this trial.”

“Why must it be me?” Yes, why must it be you?

He recalled the moment he first met him in court. If that man looked at him with those eyes and stood on his side, if he told him it would be all right. He thought that it wouldn’t matter even if he lost.

He simply wanted to see this man stand for him.

“That’s true, why must it be you? Your personality doesn’t even seem that good.” His heart pounded as he looked at that face lost in thought.

Ah, yes. That was it.

At that moment, Jaeha realized what emotions he had brought before Hamin. From one angle it was envy, from another it was misery, and from another it was obsession.

Perhaps he had wanted recognition from someone his whole life.

As he blinked slowly, Hamin kneaded the back of his neck and replied.

“In any case, I won’t do it.”

He forced his lips into a crooked smile. He had thought the man might refuse his request, but when it truly happened, sorrow welled up without reason. It felt closer to grief at himself rather than grief toward Ha Min.

At the same time, the strange and uncanny feelings each gained their names.

He wanted to see this man.

He wanted the lawyer to take his side.

He liked this man.

He felt joy swelling in his chest. He had thought he was ruined beyond repair, yet he was nothing more than an ordinary man who could fall in love at first sight.

What he realized only now pierced him with gentleness.

If he had met him before he had ended up like this… before he had become brittle like a parched lake… could things have turned out differently?

If they had met in another place. If they had met a little earlier. Would something have changed?

“Will you really not do it?”

The troubled gaze drifted in the air, but he already knew the answer.

“Yes, I won’t.”

At the expected words, he laughed faintly. Even in rejection, his heart pounded.

Did they say love makes a person insane?

For the first time, that word felt welcome.

•••

Whether it was money or the fact it was his first offense, the long trial ended with a suspended sentence.

By the time he had blocked Heo Juyeop about five times after he found ways to get his new numbers no matter how often he changed them and kept jeering,

“You really have no patience.”

He whispered and shook his shoulders. With heavy snow added to January’s chill, the cold froze him to the toes.

He thought of leaving many times, but since he had come with the resolve that this was the last time, he wanted to wait a little longer.

He looked down at the bare ground and let out a sigh like a cloud, and at last he heard the voice he had waited for.

“…Mr. Han Jaeha?”

The man looked a little surprised. It seemed he had been on his way home from work, since his car was parked carelessly as he approached. Jaeha pulled the corners of his lips against the cold.

“Lawyer Seo. I lost.”

Even with the words that so plainly asked for pity, Hamin’s face showed only a candid look of “you got off lightly for what it is.”

Could a lawyer be that transparent?

He bit the inside of his cheek to keep from himself from laughing, and as Hamin shifted his eyes, he offered the usual words of comfort.

“I am sorry.”

“…Strange. For some reason I thought Lawyer Seo would say, you did well to get a suspended sentence, congratulations.”

It was clear from Hamin’s that he was asking “how did you know,” and this time Jaeha could not hold back and laughed. Hamin’s face turned prim as he asked.

“It is cold, so why are you standing here like this?”

“Lawyer Seo. Did you know I graduated from an art college?”

“I didn’t know.”

“Then did you know we graduated from the same university?”

“Did you graduate from Korea University?”

“I am three years younger than you.” Jaeha let out a small sigh as he looked at Hamin’s puzzled face.

To say he felt no regret would be a lie, but this much was enough. Yes, this much wasn’t bad.

With that bittersweet feeling, he took in his neat features, and Hamin pulled off the gloves on his hands and handed them over. As Jaeha stared blankly at the black gloves, the small hand moved up and down to tell him to take them.

…He had not thought about something like this.

“You said these are hands that draw. They will get frostbite.”

“…Thank you, Lawyer Seo.”

When he carefully accepted the gloves, their hands brushed. Though it should not have been so, warmth seemed to spread slowly from the spot of contact.

“And, I am sorry.”

With those words, Hamin turned away. If he saw more of that face, everything he had resolved would collapse.

Inside the car parked by the road, Jaeha fiddled with the black leather gloves. The feel in his hand was soft. On the outside they looked smaller than his size and seemed hard to wear properly, but who knew until he actually tried.

…Should he try them on?

He toyed with them for a long time but in the end placed them down neatly without trying. It was already too late anyway.

On impulse he entered an unfamiliar destination into the navigation. Since it was dawn, the roads were clear, and the place he reached was one a car could not climb.

He parked by the roadside and stepped out. While climbing a steep hill, he spotted a cultural center with its paint peeling everywhere.

Would he dislike it if he knew I dug into his past?

It had been so long ago that there was little to find. He would never know, but even if he did, Jaeha hoped he would not be angry.

He turned back. Though the hour was late, the city lights shimmered. Thinking of how Hamin must have seen such a view every day as he went up and down, Jaeha smiled.

If it was the lawyer… he must have started his day earlier than anyone.

As he took in the view, he thought of the one man who stirred ticklish feelings in him. For the first time, he wanted to leave something behind in a drawing.

Back in the car, he exhaled a white breath and opened the glove box. On an impulse he could not understand himself, he pulled out paper and pen.

Lawyer Seo. Do you know why I draw only in black and white?

He would probably never know what this question meant, not even until the day he died.

Jaeha pressed his lips gently to the middle of the paper.

He lifted his eyes and looked ahead. A full moon shone through a gap in the clouds.

He wished Hamin would feel curious about him. He himself no longer felt curiosity for this place, but he wished Hamin would.

He selfishly thought and started the engine. The cold air entered deep into his lungs. The loud sound of his heart grew more and more distant.