CEL 9

People usually say if you choose the only thing that is fair for human beings, it would be time.

When he looked at such people, Hamin often answered inside his mind.

It may not necessarily be so.

•••

The year Hamin was born was a time when many things changed in society, like the creation of the baby box¹ and the adoption process changing from a reporting system to a permission system.

His parents, whose names and faces he did not know, actively used the new system and abandoned him in a baby box. Because of that, since they did not meet the conditions for adoption permission, he had to spend all of his childhood in an orphanage.

Hamin did not think of himself as unhappy, but the old teachers at the orphanage often looked at him with expressions full of pity and sorrow.

But to him, that was nothing but hypocrisy and pretense meant to shake off their own guilt. The reason he thought so was simple.

“Didn’t I tell you not to crawl out when guests come, you parasite brat!?”

At the moments when he really was pitiful, no one showed up.

A push on the forehead made him fall. Instead of getting up, he lowered his head and breathed shallowly. He realized over and over that at times like this, it was better to just pretend to be pitiful.

“Because of you, huh? Because of you your friends can’t get adopted! Because of that proud face of yours!”

He inwardly laughed at the line of sentences that had nothing true in them.

The children of the orphanage were not his friends, whether they got adopted or not had nothing to do with him, and it was certainly not because of his face.

If he had to give a reason, maybe it was because their bodies were thin from not eating properly, or because their features looked sharp.

So in other words, if the director just did his job properly, the problem would not happen at all.

“There’s no dinner, so stay shut in your room!” Since when did he ever give dinner?

Even though he mocked him, he buried his face in his knees and curled up to make his already small body look smaller. It was ridiculous, but the director, who believed himself to be quite a good person, extremely disliked the sight of Hamin curling up like a bug and trembling. So it was the perfect posture to end the bothersome situation.

Fortunately, he did not need to force himself to make crying sounds. After throwing a few harsh curses, the director quickly left.

He relaxed at the peace he managed to win, but only for a short while, because the director’s empty spot was soon taken by Kim Hyunwoo. He heard the footsteps of someone his age walking quickly toward him and shallowed a sigh.

Was his luck bad today?

“Hey, Seo Hamin. They say you crawled out again when guests came?”

“I went to the bathroom.”

“Don’t bullshit me. You’re just jealous that I’m getting adopted by a rich family, so you’re interfering, right?”

Hamin suddenly thought all of this was tiring.

There was no point in making excuses because no one would listen properly, and it was not even something that needed excuses. Then was there any reason for him to keep listening to this?

Just when he was about to frown and curse back, his eyes caught the purple bruises on Hyunwoo’s calves.

His lips stayed open for a moment, then he slowly closed them. Looking at the yellow and blue skin, his will quickly faded. After all, in the end, they were in the same miserable situation.

Hyunwoo realized where his gaze went, and his face turned red with shame.

That was strange too. There was no meaning at all in measuring who was better or worse here, but it seemed he still had not realized that, since he always made an expression like his insides were boiling.

“Hey, fuck. Who’s pitying who? Do you think you’re better just because you get hit less?”

Hamin looked at Hyunwoo shaking his fist in a threatening way and this time he didn’t hold himself back from sighing.

“Do you like living like this?”

“Am I the same as you, who has to rot here for eight more years?”

If they did not get adopted, they had to stay here until they became adults. That was the same for Hyunwoo and Hamin. The only difference was that Hamin could not legally go, and Hyunwoo was simply not chosen.

It was unfortunate for Hyunwoo, but the older he got, the lower his chances of adoption. Since he was soon entering middle school, he would probably end up with Hamin until high school graduation.

Hm, Hamin did not like that either.

“Just wait, fuck. If I only become rich. If I only get adopted…”

Hamin stayed silent and waited for the rest, but Hyunwoo never finished the sentence.

He probably already knew himself how useless that mumbling was.

Hamin looked at Hyunwoo’s back as he stomped away and stood up carelessly. The director’s loud voice must have spread everywhere in the orphanage, but no one came to find him.

See, in the end, it’s all hypocrisy with just words.

He scoffed and went to bed. He slipped under the blanket between people who were either sleeping or pretending to sleep. The dust smell tickled his nose, but he was used to it.

Despite the noisy incident, sleep soon came. Every second was precious, so it was fortunate.

When he closed his eyes, the only peaceful moment in the orphanage came. It was the time he liked most.

The next day, he got a fever for the first time in a while. His eyelids were heavy though he had not cried, and each breath through his mouth felt cold. His mouth was burning hot inside.

Hamin stared blankly at the ceiling, then forced his heavy body to rise. He stood on tiptoes and quietly went down to the kitchen. He opened the fridge, took out cold rice and side dishes, and stuffed only a little into his mouth so it would not be noticed. He swallowed without chewing properly, worried that it might make noise, then went up to the top floor no one ever visited.

The small room, like a storage space, was a place no one came to at this hour except Hamin. Between piles of messy objects, he pulled out a torn, worn-out book and sat by the window. He could not turn on the light, so he barely managed to make out the letters under the faint dawn light coming through the window.

The only one who could save him was himself. Why did people not know that simple truth?

The director, Hyunwoo, and many other children of the orphanage passed through his mind. Hoping to be saved by leaning on someone else was something only weak people did. In the end, the only one who would not betray him was himself, and the only one who could change his situation was also him.

That was why he came here every dawn before anyone else woke up.

“Eventually, Product, met….”

He mumbled the words in a small voice and ignored his burning body. His cracked throat made a metallic sound, but here, unless someone collapsed to the point of death, nobody cared. So he could not waste the precious time he had alone over something like this.

He forced his eyes to open and clenched his fists until his nails left marks. Through the small window gap, the dim dawn light was breaking.

•••

When he entered middle school, one thing that changed from elementary school was that students started ranking each other. The kids, whose heads had not even fully grown, ridiculously divided themselves by instinct.

One was funny when he talked, another was rich, another was good at fighting. They attached odd reasons like that and busied themselves trying to look good to each other.

But the highest position, the one in the predator’s territory, was somewhere else.

“Hamin is first place again this time. Congratulations.”

“Thank you.”

“Right, right. Everyone, try to do even half as well as Hamin. You know our class average only goes up because of him, right? Don’t play around just because exams are over, study. Time goes quickly.”

Even without turning his head, Hamin clearly felt the stinging hostility on his back.

That was what a predator was. The one who received the favor of whoever stood at the very top of the group. In that sense, since his admission, Hamin had never once not been a predator.

“Enjoy your break. There’s no homeroom today.”

When he sat down with a report card full of three-digit scores, the classmate next to him suddenly put an arm around his shoulder.

“You don’t even take tutoring but you always get good grades, I’m jealous.”

Hamin looked at the bright smile pretending to be friendly and blinked slowly. If he had not recently heard in the bathroom someone say, “That orphan brat from the orphanage is acting up,” maybe the weight on his shoulder would have felt a little lighter?

He looked straight into the eyes that could not hide their jealousy.

It probably was not so.

The way that boy looked at him always carried useless jealousy and inferiority, so just looking at him was tiring.

When the silence and eye contact dragged on, and the boy started to show signs of discomfort, Hamin reluctantly answered, “Yeah.” He then tried to get up from his seat, but the other boy’s question came first.

“Ah, right. But why do you always go home with Kim Hyunwoo?”

This was the sort of thing that was really tiring.

“Kim Hyunwoo? Hyunwoo from class 2? Why do you and Hamin go together?”

Interested in the subject, the student in front spun around and asked.

“Ah, well… it’s hard for me to say myself.”

Watching the obvious act, Hamin suddenly laughed. The way they pretended to be innocent, like they meant no harm, was funny.

“Hyunwoo and I both live in the orphanage.”

“… Huh?”

“You didn’t know? I thought everyone did, since Park Youngho spread the rumor everywhere.”

“Hey, don’t say it like that. When did I ever spread a rumor?”

“Didn’t you? Even the neighborhood dogs were barking about it. ‘Seo Hamin from class 5 lives in an orphanage, woof woof.’”

He pinched his fingers together and apart, imitating a dog, and Park Youngho’s face instantly turned red.

As the mood turned cold, a student tried to lighten the atmosphere, but Hamin’s words came first.

“But instead of playing with dogs, wouldn’t it be better to worry about your grades….”

Park Youngho stood up from his seat.

“You bastard!”

“Park Youngho! What are you doing!”

“You think you’re something, huh, you fucker!”

When Youngho grabbed his collar and pulled him up, Hamin obediently stood. The bloodshot eyes glaring right at him were swollen with rage.

In an instant, the noisy classroom fell silent. It was like dozens of students had suddenly disappeared, not even a breath could be heard.

This much was unnecessary. It was the same quarrel as usual, and he could have brushed it off like usual. But letting him cross the line had only made him push further, step by step.

Kids like this only understood after their necks were bitten, realizing too late, “Ah, he was a beast.”

“Youngho.”

Even as his throat was being squeezed, making it hard to breathe, Hamin calmly called him. It was something he had to do at least once anyway.

“Even if I’m nothing, I’m still better than you.”

You’ve never beaten me.

•••

“Well… Youngho was normally a model student, and since this is the first time something like this happened, I was really taken aback too. At this age, it’s rarer for boys to grow up without fighting.”

“Haha, teacher. Do you think I don’t know that? I’ve raised kids all my life. Let’s not blow this out of proportion. Can you take care of it yourself?”

“Ah, would that be alright?”

The two middle-aged men with bulging bellies left no place for Hamin to cut in.

The homeroom teacher, flustered by the clear roles of aggressor and victim, brightened at the orphanage director’s kindly reply. For him, it must have been quite a tough situation too. The victim was the school’s top student, and the aggressor was from a well-known rich family, so it was hard to take sides.

But it should have been obvious which side to take?

Hamin’s swollen cheek throbbed. He had not planned to let himself be hit this hard, so he pressed his torn inner cheek with his tongue and frowned.

“Then I’ll make sure they reconcile properly.”

Even though it was clearly a situation where Hamin should receive an apology, not reconciliation, the director nodded without one word of objection. From the start, it was something Hamin had not expected anyway.

He quietly watched the conversation end, then left the office with the director. He glanced around to gauge the mood. Strangely, the director stayed silent. Seeing him hold back from lashing out at him, Hamin thought this time the grudge would last longer than usual.

And his guess was half right, half wrong.

“So our Hamin is already fifteen this year.”

What kind of act was this now?

Hamin looked puzzled, and the director’s bloodshot eyes flickered with joy, then guilt, then turned back to something dull.

“Now that I see, Hamin has grown really pretty. You look like an adult.”

“Why are you suddenly saying this?”

“Now you should start paying for your keep, don’t you think?”

“Say it clearly so I understand.”

“You!”

Shouting suddenly in a thunderous voice, the director grabbed Hamin’s arm. His grip dug into his bone, not the flesh, and when Hamin gasped for breath, the man’s rambling words followed.

“You, you, you. You were useful. Yes, that’s right. This is how it should have been from the start. You grew up this well, didn’t you?”

“Say it clearly so I understand.”

“You know the madam of Daeseong Trading, right? That madam has been looking for a child about your age lately.”

Hamin neither knew nor cared who the madam of Daeseong Trading was. Even so, the director kept mumbling without stop, as if bewitched, forcing him to give an answer of agreement.

To be honest, he looked almost insane. Hamin wanted to push away the body that made him nauseous and run, but he did not know what kind of rage would come back if he provoked him. So instead, he let all the strength drain from his body. Fat fingers brushed down his swollen cheek. His skin stung.

“She only has a daughter. Maybe because she envies families with sons… she asked me to introduce her to a child who could be like a son, someone close like that.”

“She could just adopt a son.”

“She doesn’t want a real son. She wants something… more intimate, more close. You’re old enough to understand, so why are you pretending not to?”

At the irritated tone, Hamin let out a dry breath. He already knew the man was trash, but it seemed he had reached the bottom.

Recently, the director had collapsed quickly. Wherever he went, he always left the orphanage at nine at night and came back at four or five in the morning. He often yelled and threw flowerpots or paintings.

He had swallowed his saliva while staring at the cards children played with, he reeked of cigarettes and alcohol, and even his beloved car and watch, which he treated like his own body, had started disappearing one by one. Putting those together, the conclusion was dull and obvious.

“Are you gambling?”

The director’s eyes turned hostile at the direct hit.

“I’m only doing this for you. Because you don’t have a proper guardian, right? Isn’t that why you’re always causing trouble at school? You need a proper guardian.”

“At first I was going to send Hyunwoo… but you’re better.”

So I must be worth more than Kim Hyunwoo.

Even while planning to sell a minor for money, he gave himself justification. Hamin could not even laugh.

“You understand too, right? I’ve been feeding you, letting you sleep here, clothing you. You should repay that grace.”

The palm that touched his cheek trembled. The clammy dampness of cold sweat was unpleasant, but Hamin pushed down his feelings with a smile.

He felt like the whole world was shoving him. His heart floated, neither light nor heavy.

Important events always start from such trivial things. In the past, someone his age joined the Hundred Years’ War, someone else made a discovery that overturned the world, another painted a picture remembered for a hundred years.

“I understand.”

“…What?”

“I’ve reached the age to do something too.” So why not me.

“Just like you said, I think I’ve grown up.”

Even at the calm answer, the director did not smile. Maybe at that moment, he instinctively realized…

“So I’ll repay your grace.”

…That something was deeply wrong.

•••

“You fucker. You’re really a piece of shit.”

“Which name should I change to? Choose one.”

“You only care about yourself, don’t you?”

The first time someone grabbed him by the collar was only a few weeks ago, yet here he was in the same situation again. It felt twice as exhausting. He wondered if this year was cursed.

“You’ll live well with that smart brain of yours, but what about the kids here? The kids who were born and raised here, if they suddenly have to go to another orphanage, do you think they can adapt? What were you thinking when you did that!”

No one stepped in to save Hamin as he was shaken like a paper doll in the middle of the orphanage. Strictly speaking, it was closer to everyone not having the mind to care. Police had been storming in from time to time, and now with the news that the director had been arrested and the orphanage would be closed, it was no wonder.

Hamin thought about saying “If I hadn’t reported it, you might have been sold.” But when he saw those eyes, he chose instead to stay silent. It was obvious he would not listen to anything Hamin said, and he had no wish to brag about it anyway.

“Since when did you care about the kids?” That did not mean he intended to let it go.

All through elementary school, Kim Hyunwoo had boasted that he would definitely be adopted into a rich family, but when he entered middle school, he accepted reality. No matter how hard he tried to look good, he could not beat the truly pretty and young kids, and that led to the typical rebelliousness of adolescence.

But his misbehavior was not the worst kind. He only pierced a few holes in his ears and enjoyed alcohol and cigarettes. He never beat anyone or extorted money. One could call it harmless rebellion. But the real reason Hamin hated him was something else.

“Stop pretending to be righteous.”

Hyunwoo always said the director was disgusting, but at some point he started copying the director’s “good child” complex.

And Hamin was one of the people who most hated that kind of fake compassion that carried no responsibility.

“You and I are the same.”

His cropped chestnut-colored ead flinched back. His wounded eyes looked ridiculous, like he was asking how Hamin could say that. As if they shared something.

Hamin had known for a while that Hyunwoo’s feelings toward him were more complicated than they looked. Admiration, envy, jealousy. And besides those jagged feelings, Hyunwoo actually liked him quite a lot.

For example, when he heard that Park Youngho had slapped Hamin, Hyunwoo gathered all his friends and swore. And when he saw Hamin go hungry without dinner, he split a hidden potato in half and quietly put it on his desk.

But things like that were not enough reason for Hamin to go easy on him.

“You knew the director was gambling with the orphanage funds, didn’t you? You were the one who often went out at night, roght?”

“…I-I only ran errands.”

“Errands are expensive these days. You went back and forth and got a motorcycle. Ah, and you delivered drugs too?”

The director, who was always careful to protect himself, would never have withdrawn money with his own hands. He always sent Hyunwoo to carry the cash, always moving only at night when people slept.

But Hamin hadn’t known about the drugs.

If not for his testimony, Hyunwoo might also have been sitting in the police station, being questioned.

Since he had not spoken to brag, Hamin stopped there and raised his hands in a gesture of surrender.

“I’m not blaming you, so let’s stop. We have to pack.”

When he calmly pointed out reality, tears welled in Hyunwoo’s brown eyes.

“…Why is everything so easy for you?”

Hamin stared into those tear-filled eyes. He suddenly thought of a trivial question.

1. A place where people can leave babies, usually newborn, anonymously in a safe place to be found and cared for. ↩︎