Chapter 55 – I Already Know

After such an incident, Ye Zhou couldn’t continue his medical examination. Guan Heng drove Ye Zhou home, and neither of them spoke during the entire ride.

Shouldn’t Guan Heng have been at school at this time? Why was he at the hospital? Ye Zhou didn’t even need to ask; he knew that Guan Heng had long noticed his abnormalities. He was the only one who thought he had concealed them well.

He was somewhat worried though. That collision with Guan Heng must have hurt a lot.

Ye Zhou glanced at the man sitting in the driver’s seat countless times. There was no way Guan Heng could have missed his gaze, yet he didn’t ask what he wanted to say like he usually did. Guan Heng had completely turned cold. Was he angry?

After some internal struggle, Ye Zhou nervously asked, “Did that hit just now hurt?”

Guan Heng seemed reluctant to answer, not even sparing him a glance.

When they arrived home, Guan Heng turned off the engine and got out first. Ye Zhou obediently followed behind him, behaving like a student who had made a mistake.

Perhaps Guan Heng had taken a day off from school today. He didn’t seem to have any intention of leaving after entering the house. He took off his coat and hung it on the coat rack before saying, “Sit down. Let’s talk.”

Ye Zhou knew he couldn’t avoid it when he mistook Guan Heng for a hallucination. He sighed inwardly and walked over to sit opposite Guan Heng.

Guan Heng looked at Ye Zhou, his usually gentle demeanor turning slightly cold. “Why did you go to the hospital today?”

Actually, this question should have been asked by Ye Zhou, but he lacked the confidence to do so since he had hidden things from Guan Heng first. He wasn’t sure how much Guan Heng knew or when he started noticing his abnormalities. He hesitated, not daring to speak.

Guan Heng fell silent for a moment before speaking again, seemingly revealing disappointment. “Do you still want to lie to me?”

“I didn’t…” Ye Zhou suddenly lifted his eyes, his heart starting to panic.

Guan Heng had been waiting for Ye Zhou to tell the truth, but unfortunately, he never did. If he hadn’t followed him today, would Ye Zhou have gotten into a fight with the patient? Would he have been injured? Should he have gone to the hospital or the police station to find him then? He disliked this feeling of losing control and disliked Ye Zhou hiding things from him. Since Ye Zhou refused to speak up, he had no choice but to press further: “When did it start? When did you start having hallucinations?”

Guan Heng’s tone could be considered stern, even a bit cold. However, Ye Zhou couldn’t think about these things at the moment. His mind was preoccupied with the fact that Guan Heng knew about his hallucinations. His face paled, and his clasped hands trembled slightly.

Guan Heng noticed Ye Zhou’s state of nervousness but remained unmoved. He repeated, “Answer me.”

Ye Zhou pursed his lips, and the slight trembling in his hands seemed to spread throughout his body. He spoke slowly, “It was in the first year of junior high, that afternoon, when I told you I saw a little girl’s balloon burst…that’s when it happened…”

Guan Heng’s voice softened a bit, reminiscent of his usual manner when counseling others. “What were your hallucinations like?”

Ye Zhou kept his head lowered, his lips tightly pursed, before saying, “It was you. I saw you.”

This time, Guan Heng was silent for a longer period. When he spoke again, he still showed no emotion. “Describe it in detail. What did you see me doing?”

The hallucinations Ye Zhou saw were a lifelike Guan Heng, capable of speaking, laughing, and moving around, indistinguishable from a real person. As long as Ye Zhou didn’t touch the other party, he couldn’t tell the difference. During this period, his dependence on Guan Heng was, in a sense, an attempt to grasp onto reality. But Ye Zhou knew that this situation would only worsen. He might still be able to differentiate between reality and hallucination through touch now, but once he couldn’t even distinguish that, he would be no different from a madman.

As Ye Zhou recounted his experiences, his trembling intensified. But Guan Heng couldn’t comfort him at this moment; otherwise, their conversation would be interrupted, which wouldn’t help solve the problem. “How many times has it happened up until now?”

“Five, six times…” Ye Zhou actually lost count. Due to the circumstances, he hadn’t deliberately distinguished them later on. “…maybe more, I’m not quite sure.”

Guan Heng stared at Ye Zhou and asked the most important question. “Is there a history of hereditary illness in your family?”

Ye Zhou’s parents passed away early, and he had always avoided discussing his family, which was rather unusual. Guan Heng could tell from interacting with Ye Zhou that he yearned for a family and that his parents loved him dearly. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have listened to Fang Ji recount trivial matters about his hometown, wouldn’t have visited the graves every year, and wouldn’t have become emotionally unstable every time the anniversary of his parents’ death approached.

After a very long silence, Ye Zhou answered with difficulty, “Yes. My father.”

This time, Ye Zhou bowed his head even lower, leaning forward, elbows resting on his knees, hands covering the upper half of his face. He didn’t want to show Guan Heng his painful and pitiful side, stammering out his words without any coherence. “When he was sick, sometimes he wouldn’t recognize who I was…he had a tendency towards aggression…I was afraid…I was actually afraid of becoming like my father…wearing out my mother’s love for him.”

Ye Zhou’s parents were very loving towards each other. His mother knew about his father’s mental illness from the beginning, yet she still decided to be with him. In the first two years of their marriage, they lived a very happy life. Ye Zhou’s father’s condition was stable, no different from a normal person. So, after discussing it, the couple decided to have a child. When in love, people believe they can overcome any problems, and the genetic probability of inheriting a mental illness isn’t particularly high, with only one in ten children possibly developing the condition. But unexpectedly, a few years after Ye Zhou’s birth, his father’s condition suddenly worsened. Initially, it was forgetfulness and auditory hallucinations, but later, he began experiencing frequent visual hallucinations, to the point where he couldn’t distinguish reality from hallucinations at times. His parents didn’t die due to an accident, but rather, it was a family tragedy. His mother accidentally killed her husband while resisting, and then she committed suicide.

Ye Zhou remembered his father as a good person, a devoted husband and father, only displaying unstable emotions when his illness flared up, occasionally resorting to violence against his mother. This was why Ye Zhou couldn’t bear to see girls being bullied. Subconsciously, he wanted to prevent his parents from hurting each other, but unfortunately, he was too young at the time and powerless to do anything. So, after growing up, this obsession became deeply ingrained in him, almost like a reflex, driving him to intervene whenever he saw something wrong. Otherwise, how could Ye Zhou have encountered problems so coincidentally each time? He had been subconsciously searching for the root causes, trying to make up for the regrets of his childhood that could never be rectified.

Ye Zhou recalled that Guan Heng initially said he was attracted to him because of his bravery, but now Ye Zhou had to ruthlessly shatter that illusion. “Actually…actually, it wasn’t because of bravery. I’m not that good, nor brave…I was just satisfying myself…”

For the first thirty years of his life, Ye Zhou’s life was uneventful. He had always believed himself to be a normal person, never expecting to eventually succumb to that 8% genetic probability. And it happened during what he thought was the luckiest and happiest time of his life…

Guan Heng didn’t comment on the matter, merely watching Ye Zhou quietly.

Ye Zhou didn’t have the courage to even look at Guan Heng. He didn’t want to end up like his parents, especially knowing how much they loved each other, making the outcome even harder to accept. Ye Zhou took a deep breath, his lips trembling slightly. “I’m sorry, I didn’t tell you. Instead of this, we might as well…”

But Guan Heng, who had remained silent, interrupted sternly at this moment. “Don’t even think about it.”

Ye Zhou jolted, not continuing his sentence.

Guan Heng stared intently at him. “I’ve already told you, there’s no chance for you to escape, and you can’t escape.”

Ye Zhou opened his mouth, attempting to speak. “You can still…”

Guan Heng’s voice grew harsher. “Still what?”

Ye Zhou didn’t dare to continue, unable to utter the words. Even at this moment, he was still selfish. He couldn’t bear to let go, nor could he bring himself to suggest that Guan Heng find someone else. He loved Guan Heng so much and cherished him so dearly, why should he willingly give him up to someone else? Ye Zhou bit his lip again, but the palms pressed against his eyes were already wet, tears streaming down from between his fingers.

Guan Heng maintained his original posture, speaking slowly. “Actually, I’ve known all along.”

In fact, Guan Heng noticed Ye Zhou’s abnormalities much earlier than Ye Zhou imagined. The initial suspicion arose during the movie theater incident, when Ye Zhou acted as if he was oblivious to everything around him, completely ignoring Guan Heng’s calls. At that time, however, he didn’t think much of it. After all, the environment was noisy, and sometimes, people exhibit such behavior when they’re upset. But when Ye Zhou lost contact during the tomb-sweeping trip, Guan Heng did sense something. It wasn’t simply a result of being upset or a momentary impulse. Ye Zhou’s actions were a stress response, and he forgot the details of the incident when he hit someone. Combining this with his observations since meeting Ye Zhou, Guan Heng realized that Ye Zhou encountered problems at an unusually high frequency, far higher than an ordinary person. There was only one explanation for this – it wasn’t that trouble found him; it was that he actively sought out trouble.

Guan Heng said, “Do you think I didn’t consider this before getting together with you?”

Guan Heng’s words left Ye Zhou stunned. He abruptly lifted his head, roughly wiping away his tears, but his eyes remained red.

Guan Heng met his gaze directly, speaking frankly. “You want the truth, so I won’t beat around the bush. I’ve said it before; I’m not as good as you imagine. That’s true. I’m a despicable person. I’ve even thought about using this to tie you to me forever, ensuring you can never leave me.”

Ye Zhou was shocked speechless.

Guan Heng continued, “Do you think I’m crazy? But I know exactly what I’m doing. No need for you to patronize me with your self-righteous concern.”

Only Guan Heng understood the darkness within his own heart. He could stand up to Hong Rong in prison for over a decade, so it wasn’t surprising that he would make such a decision. Regardless of what hereditary illness Ye Zhou might have, it didn’t matter to him. What he wanted was complete control over this relationship and this person. His ultimate goal was for Ye Zhou to have only him in his heart, to love him for a lifetime.

He had considered this possibility from the beginning and still chose to be with Ye Zhou. This had nothing to do with acts of bravery but was related to the kind of person he encountered.

Who would willingly be with a person suffering from mental illness? Most people would try to distance themselves as quickly as possible. Ye Zhou thought he was crazy enough, but he never expected Guan Heng to be even crazier. He was both shocked and heartbroken. Guan Heng had actually planned to spend the rest of his life with a madman. What kind of person was Guan Heng? He was outstanding, with a bright future ahead of him…

However, what Guan Heng wanted was never something others could decide for him. Otherwise, he wouldn’t have settled for being an ordinary university professor.

Ye Zhou knew he had made a mistake, lowering his head in shame. “Have I disappointed you?”

“What do you think?”

After Guan Heng uttered those three words, the conversation came to an end.

Guan Heng didn’t go to school that day. He asked for Ye Zhou’s family medical history and went upstairs to his study to research. He stayed inside the entire afternoon without coming out, even skipping lunch.

Previously, when Guan Heng was busy, he had never shown such coldness, keeping Ye Zhou at arm’s length.

Ye Zhou felt at a loss, wanting to knock on the door but not daring to do so. He paced back and forth outside the study. By evening, when Ye Zhou had prepared dinner, Guan Heng came downstairs to eat, and Ye Zhou felt a slight relief.

Ye Zhou intended to please Guan Heng, cooking dishes that he liked. Why did he enjoy cooking? He couldn’t quite remember. Perhaps it was because the aroma of food in the empty house made him feel less lonely, or maybe deep down, he was still longing for the feeling of having a home.

But Guan Heng still showed no signs of softening, speaking in a purely business-like manner. “Free up Saturday night. I’ve made an appointment with Teacher Zhan.”

Zhan Hong was an authority in psychology. Although he focused on academia, he still received numerous clinical cases with complex issues, demonstrating his extensive experience. Guan Heng didn’t take Ye Zhou to a general psychiatric clinic but instead sought out his teacher. This showed that despite his anger, Ye Zhou’s well-being remained his top priority.

Ye Zhou assumed Guan Heng spent the afternoon working on this, warming his heart. At this moment, he would do whatever Guan Heng said, obediently responding, “Okay.”

But after giving instructions, Guan Heng didn’t say another word. Ye Zhou’s attempts to strike up a conversation with him were futile, and he didn’t know how to comfort him. He knew that Guan Heng was truly angry, and it was a severe anger. He felt that this issue was more serious than his illness.