CTL 33

Yoongeon opened his flickering eyes and looked around, realizing a beat later that he had arrived home, and got out of the car. He couldn’t get his head straight due to severe exhaustion. He felt like if he collapsed right there, he might fall asleep, but because he hadn’t been able to work properly the whole time, he had a lot of piled-up work and no time to sit down. Now that he had brought Seohwi back, he too needed to act like a person….

“Let’s go.”

It was then. Seohwi grabbed his hand tightly and led Yoongeon.

“You don’t look well. Go and sleep.”

“I have to….”

He tried to say he couldn’t, that he had work to do, but Seohwi didn’t listen. He followed him onto the elevator in a daze, and Seohwi frowned as he looked at Yoongeon’s face.

“Wash up with warm water and go to sleep. You don’t look well.”

“……I’m sorry.”

“For what. For not looking well?”

“…No.”

He couldn’t bring himself to say, “for dragging you back into this swamp,” and just shook his head, but Seohwi, unaware of what he had been through, just smiled.

He should have told him not to smile like that, to get angry at him and leave even now, but Yoongeon, unable to do so, went into the bathroom, saying he would wash up and come out. Seohwi stared intently at his retreating back until it disappeared.

Yoongeon took off his dirt-stained clothes and tossed them aside carelessly, and as soon as he entered the bathroom, he looked in the mirror. There was a man with sunken eyes. Yoongeon muttered while looking at his own face.

“Disgusting bastard….”

A selfish bastard who knows no shame, has no conscience, and is only full of greed. Yoongeon was merciless in the insults he directed at himself.

“…….”

Then, in an instant, Yoongeon couldn’t hold it back and bowed his head deeply. Shamelessly, tears fell, plop plop.

“What did you do so well to be crying.”

Even as he cried sorrowfully, Yoongeon showed himself no mercy.

“You don’t even have the right to cry.”

He roughly wiped away his tears and stepped into the shower stall. Yoongeon, who was washing his soiled body without a care whether he was crying or not, however, collapsed in an instant and sank to the floor.

“…….”

He rested his arms on his raised knees and bowed his head. Standing under the pouring water, Yoongeon sobbed sorrowfully.

“I’m sorry….”

Yoongeon had thought that even if he himself were to be broken, he had at least been able to set Seohwi free to live a peaceful life. That was why, even while being sad and struggling, he had held a little bit of pride.

Still, at least I was living with the thought that this was the only way I could love you.

The words Yoongeon uttered haltingly as he sobbed were filled with loathing.

He had ruined everything. In the end, he couldn’t bear it and held onto him again, and even though he was on the verge of dying and collapsing, he uttered the nonsense of asking him to give himself to him and swayed Seohwi. It was an act so vile it was beyond excuse.

“Can you… even call yourself… a person?”

If he were a person, a person with a conscience, he should never have held onto him. Whether he died or not, he should have endured it, even if it meant tearing his own arm. Does it make any sense to chase after him and bring him back because he couldn’t endure that one thing?

He blamed himself, again and again. You half-wit, you can’t even do one thing properly, what are you going to protect. The most dangerous person to Seohwi is Ko Yoongeon.

Looking back, all his lives had been like that, so Yoongeon had cut his own bud before he became his poisonous weed. Because if he died and disappeared before he got greedy, there would be no way to hurt him. That was the only way to protect Seohwi, yet he had been dragging his feet, talking about some nonsensical debt of gratitude.

He knew now. Even the desire he had to repay his mother and Yebin before he left was, in fact, his own selfishness of wanting to stay by Seohwi’s side for longer.

What gratitude is gratitude, and what repayment is repayment. The reason Choi Minjung loves him is because she mistakes him for her real son. Besides, even if he had wanted Yebin to become the chairman, if he had laid this much groundwork, there was no need to watch over things any further. Yebin was a person who could fully handle her own share of the work by herself.

The same went for Ko Yoonchul and his pathetic father. In reality, they hadn’t wronged him that much. They just got on his nerves, and that was it. From the beginning, they were idiots who could do nothing but get on Yoongeon’s nerves, yet he had painstakingly stayed alive and watched them for the sake of insulting them.

All of that, in the end, was just the petty selfishness of wanting to remain by Seohwi’s side.

Once his thoughts reached that point, Yoongeon could not get up on his own. The head he had bowed deeply showed no sign of lifting.

“Executive Director.”

It was then. He heard a voice calling him from right beside him.

“…….”

When did he come in? I didn’t hear him come in. He knew he had to get up because he would obviously find it strange, but Yoongeon couldn’t lift his deeply bowed head.

“Why are you like this in here.”

“…….”

Seohwi’s hand swept through his wet hair. But when Yoongeon showed no reaction, he grabbed his shoulders firmly.

“You’ll catch a cold like this. Get up.”

When there was still no answer, Seohwi easily lifted him into his arms. Seohwi, who was examining the head-bowed Yoongeon from here and there, turned off the faucet, came out, and sat him on a stool. Then, while drying Yoongeon with a large towel, he knelt on one knee and looked up at him.

“Do you want to cry?”

“…….”

“It seems like you’ve already cried a lot. But you still want to cry more, right.”

He should have said no, that he wasn’t crying, but Yoongeon couldn’t say anything. It wasn’t because he wanted to cry again, but simply because he had no energy to speak.

“Alright, then.”

Seohwi suddenly pulled him into an embrace. Surprised, Yoongeon tried to push him away, but he didn’t budge and said this.

“If you’re struggling this much because being with me is agonizing, and yet you can’t let go, then fine.”

“…….”

He heard the sound of laughter.

“Then cry. Suffer.”

“…….”

“Live your life feeling sad and guilty while looking at me. If you want to loathe yourself that much, then do so.”

In that moment, Yoongeon burst into sorrowful sobs in his arms. As Seohwi stroked the back of Yoongeon, who was clinging to him tightly in agony, he whispered.

“Because all I have to do is hold you each time.”

“…….”

“That’s not a bad deal.”

He had heard something similar to this once before. Ah, it seems he is going to forgive him like this again. Sobbing, Yoongeon hugged his back tightly and whispered.

I’m sorry, I’m sorry….

Seohwi, without a word, just hugged Yoongeon back as he clung to him.