CTL 39

“What did I do wrong to deserve this? What the hell did I do! You monstrous bastard! Why are you so hell-bent on tormenting me! I’m going to kill you, I’m going to make your life fucking miserable too! You hear me?!”

He screamed at the top of his lungs until the elevator doors closed. It was so loud it made my ears ring.

“…Yoongeon.”

I listened to it all, thinking it was his final struggle, but the sound of a pig being slaughtered is always nauseating. Yoongeon was frowning when Seohwi, who had been quiet the whole time, held onto him.

“I think you need to be careful of that person.”

“Ah…”

Yoongeon turned to Seohwi and spoke nonchalantly.

“Don’t worry. I’ll get him out of your sight soon. I’ll make sure nothing he does gets on your nerves.”

Yoongeon, all too naturally, gave no thought to himself, and watching him, Seohwi opened and closed his mouth with a frustrated expression before clamping it shut. It was because he thought Yoongeon wouldn’t listen.

“It’s late. …We just wasted time for nothing.”

He looked at his watch, then turned back to Seohwi with worried eyes.

“Go to bed.”

“…”

“I’ll be in soon, too.”

He left the alcohol he’d taken out and quickly went up to his study. He was thinking that if he just finished his work quickly and came back down, Seohwi wouldn’t nag him too much, but he followed him all the way to the study.

“I’m really just going to look at it quickly—”

“I did find it. The situation makes it a little awkward, though.”

“…What is this?”

Thinking he was about to be stubborn again, Yoongeon was about to gently persuade him to leave, but Seohwi held out a small doll.

“A doll that looks like you.”

“…”

As soon as Yoongeon saw it, he found it so absurd that he snorted. Then he glared at Seohwi.

“I’m already in a bad mood because of that bastard Ko Yoonchul.”

“…”

“What did I do wrong to make you do this?”

“It’s a gift.”

“If I did something wrong, just tell me with words. There’s no need to insult a person like this.”

What a joke. Truly a joke.

Yoongeon looked at the dopey-looking tiger doll. This looks like him? He was seriously concerned that there might be something wrong with Seohwi’s eyes.

“I’m telling you, it’s really a gift. Stop glaring at me like that.”

Not believing for a second that it was a genuine gift, Yoongeon suspiciously accepted the doll. He wouldn’t refuse anything Seohwi gave him, but if this was meant as an insult, he wanted to argue about it first. However, no matter how long he waited, words like ‘Don’t you dare act like that again,’ or ‘You’d better watch your attitude’ did not come from Seohwi.

“…It’s really a gift?”

This isn’t intended to insult me? To Yoongeon, who finally replied with reluctance, Seohwi smiled and nodded.

“Finish up quickly and come sleep. I’ll wait up for you.”

He gave the gift and left without a second thought. Yoongeon looked at the doll, which was so horribly unsuited to him, and let out a dry laugh.

“He used to give me strange things back then, too…”

Should he have known from the moment he chose the wooden rubbing tool from among so many other gifts? Seohwi had a knack for setting aside all the beautiful things sold in the vast marketplace and picking out items that seemed small and insignificant to others. That was why the precious box Yoongeon secretly kept was filled to the brim with things like a crudely carved wooden doll and a pouch with clumsy embroidery. He even had something like a seashell, which he’d given him saying it was the most beautiful thing he’d ever seen.

He was suddenly reminded of that time. When the former eunuch saw the seashell and asked, ‘Shall I have that made into an ornament for you,’ Yoongeon shook his head. It was because, whatever Seohwi gave him, he didn’t want to alter it carelessly.

“…Ah.”

Yoongeon, thinking of that time, wiped away a tear that had fallen without his notice. It wasn’t the first or second time tears had fallen without warning, so he showed no particular agitation. Looking down at the doll for a moment, Yoongeon muttered softly.

“I’m just going to lose it again in the end…”

No matter how much he cherished and treasured what he gave him, he would have to leave it all behind and depart anyway. Then he would feel regret and sadness again. A corner of his heart would crumble and collapse once more.

Knowing he shouldn’t leave attachments to objects, Yoongeon still couldn’t bring himself to treat the doll he gave him carelessly. He gently stroked it, then inserted a key into the first drawer, which he hadn’t opened in quite a long time, and turned it.

The lock turned with a bit of stiffness, and the drawer opened. Yoongeon looked at the gun that was in the center for a moment before pushing it aside and placing the doll in its place. Then he stared at it for a long while. I shouldn’t leave any attachments, he thought, yet he was sick of himself for ending up cherishing it dearly again, but that was all. What could he do? Ko Yoongeon was a man who was ridiculously sentimental.

After locking the drawer again, Yoongeon put the key back in its usual hiding place and left the study. He carefully opened the bedroom door, just in case, and sure enough, he saw Seohwi, who had fallen asleep while trying to wait up for him. He chuckled in spite of himself and lay down next to him.

“Thank you.”

Yoongeon whispered softly.

“I’m sorry…”

Every time Yoongeon noticed Seohwi thinking of him, his chest throbbed. He was happy, and he was sad. It was hard on him that Seohwi was giving his heart to someone who would soon die and disappear.

He just wanted to be a person who passes by. If there was one thing he wished for, that was it. For him to live a complete life in a place without him. But cruelly, fate had insisted on deeply entangling the two of them.

Yoongeon had no idea what fate truly wanted.

He thought it was a punishment for arbitrarily making Seohwi sit down and live beside him. And so, as a form of atonement, Yoongeon had left Seohwi’s side.

There were times he had failed to sacrifice, but never a time he had failed to leave. But this time, neither sacrificing nor leaving is easy at all.

Is it still not enough?

Yoongeon’s mind had now completely lost the ability to think positively, so it couldn’t conceive of any other possibilities. That was why. Yoongeon was suspecting that perhaps, he had to suffer even more than he was now.

There was only one greater suffering he could imagine.

To live without dying and watch Seohwi live happily without him until the very end.

“…”

But that was something he could never do.

Because Yoongeon was the kind of man who, if he were alive, would surely hold on to him.