F Side Story 12

For a moment, it felt like his mind had been bleached blank. His face burned even hotter than the phone he had clutched for hours. Was Park Jihyun telling the truth after all? Had Siwoo remembered something between them? Or had he simply been drunk and succumbed to desire?

It felt like all the trust and belief he had built was collapsing, but then, just as quickly, he found his footing again. The pain was so intense it numbed his ability to feel it. His thoughts shifted into survival mode, dulling the ache. It’s fine. I expected this, at least a little. It’s okay.

In a voice completely devoid of emotion, he asked calmly,

“Are you two together right now?”

–Yes. We’re in Kim Siwoo’s room. He fell asleep a little while ago. Want me to send you a picture? I’ve got your number, you know.

“Was Kim Siwoo very drunk? He said the dinner might run long and he might not be able to call.”

–…He wasn’t that drunk.

Jihyun hesitated. If Yeonho hadn’t known Siwoo so well, he might have believed the answer. But the Siwoo he knew wasn’t someone who got drunk to the point of losing control. No matter how he thought about it, the two of them couldn’t be together without Siwoo’s consent.

He shut his eyes and gripped the phone so hard it felt like he might crush it. His wounded pride surfaced before he could stop it.

“…There’s nothing I can do from here.”

–Then let’s end the call. I’ve got nothing else to say.

“If this is what Kim Siwoo wants, then fine. But if you’re lying to me right now, don’t you dare lay a hand on him. That would be a crime. If anything happens, I won’t let it go. I’ll chase you to the ends of the earth and kill you with my own hands.”

–Think whatever you want.

“Park Jihyun, what I’m trying to say is…”

His voice trembled. He paused, not wanting to reveal his vulnerability while he still had things left to say.

Now he understood exactly how Siwoo must have felt back then, when he had seen Yeonho lying with Seong Junhee. That burning sensation, like embers starting at your soles and creeping all the way up until your scalp is on fire.

But thinking of it as karma made it bearable again. The tremble in his voice subsided. All he needed to do was give Siwoo the same love that had once been shown to him. That was the only thing he could do.

“Whatever you’re doing with him right now, we’re not breaking up. You’ll never get what you want, Park Jihyun. It’s pointless.”

The call ended with a click. A moment later, a photo arrived showing Siwoo asleep, with Park Jihyun’s hand clearly in the frame. Yeonho couldn’t hold it in and threw his phone across the room.

The overwhelming wave of emotion knocked him out. He didn’t know if he had fallen asleep or blacked out.

***

Siwoo didn’t wake until the afternoon. He was still wearing the clothes he’d had on at dawn. Not a single button of his shirt was undone. He clearly remembered collapsing on the floor the moment he entered. But he had no memory of how he’d ended up in bed.

Holding his pounding head, he grabbed the phone resting on the pillow and dragged himself to the bathroom. As he walked, he checked his messages.

The most recent was from Yeonho’s mother. Her message was direct, he had completed his duties and should return to Korea immediately. It wasn’t bad news, since it meant he could return to Yeonho sooner, but it was abrupt.

He saw a string of missed calls from Yeonho. Tere was also a call log showing they had spoken, it was odd. But he had no memory of talking to him. Had he answered the call without realizing?

He tried calling back, but Yeonho didn’t pick up. Maybe he was just unavailable at the moment.

Then he saw a message Yeonho had sent around the time people usually left for work.

If you stabbed me with a knife, I’d still say the same thing.

Maybe he had gotten emotional again, buried under longing. Siwoo smiled softly and replied.

Did you get any sleep? You weren’t up all night again, were you? I’m done here. I’ll catch the earliest flight I can. See you soon.

Oh, and, I love you even more now.

Before leaving the hotel, he decided to pay Park Jihyun a visit and deliver a final warning. But even when he rang the bell, Jihyun didn’t open the door. Siwoo had no desire to contact him personally, so he didn’t call or text.

He wheeled out his suitcase and called Yeonho’s mother. She was out at a meal with the investors and answered warmly.

–Kim Siwoo, there’s something I think you should know. Chairman Jeong has fired Park Jihyun.

“So suddenly?”

–Mm, that’s how it turned out. You worked hard. Take care getting back to Korea. No need to come to work tomorrow. Just rest at home.

Siwoo accepted the news quickly and thanked her. But something still felt strange, and he couldn’t stop wondering about it on the way to the airport.

What happened while I was asleep?

***

Back home, Yeonho sat quietly by the front door, ears straining at every sound from outside. He hadn’t heard the neighbor return. Which meant… could the two of them be coming back together?

Thanks to what was basically an unconscious sleep, he was in better shape than expected. Though he’d vomited stomach acid, it had been a short-lived symptom. The only lingering effects were occasional panic reactions.

Yeonho loved Kim Siwoo too much. All he could do was believe him and follow his lead. He still had doubts about the truth, but he gave up on trying to know. He emptied his mind again and again until the pain stabbing through his chest finally dulled.

Then he stood in front of the mirror and practiced smiling. As he smiled, he began to believe it, maybe he really was happy, just like usual. After all, Siwoo was coming back earlier than expected. How could he not be happy?

He kept lying to himself.

A moment later, he heard the elevator arrive just beyond the front door. He flinched. Footsteps followed, just one person, coming toward his door.

He jumped up with a bright smile. That alone was enough to make him happy. He couldn’t begin to describe how afraid he had been that there would be two sets of footsteps headed for the next-door unit.

The sound of the keypad echoed as their anniversary date was entered. Soon the door opened. Yeonho, more determined than ever, wrapped his arms around Siwoo’s neck and whispered into his ear.

“…Thank you for coming back.”

Before he finished speaking, Siwoo’s lips crashed onto his. His tongue slipped between Yeonho’s lips, wrapping around his own. Like a starved man, he greedily drank up every drop of Yeonho’s saliva. While Yeonho accepted the kiss, he reached behind him and shut the front door, which hadn’t fully closed.

Siwoo didn’t even make it to the living room. Right there inside the entrance, he pulled Yeonho onto his thigh and began recharging him with endless kisses.

Yeonho was touching him too, but something about his touch felt stiff, mechanical. He didn’t even reach for the places he normally loved to touch. When Siwoo pulled away and met Yeonho’s eyes, he tilted his head in confusion.

“…?”

What was going on with Yeonho? His small chin had gone tight and bumpy with tension. Siwoo planted soft kisses along it and asked,

“Why is there a walnut in your jaw?”

Yeonho flinched and quickly relaxed his jaw.

“Really? Maybe I was nervous seeing you after so long.”

Only then did Siwoo realize he’d been right. Yeonho’s entire body was stiff with tension. Even though they were skin to skin, he felt distant. Siwoo wiped the smile from his face, kneaded Yeonho’s shoulders gently, and asked,

“Did something happen?”

At the question, Yeonho nodded right away. He hadn’t intended to keep it from Siwoo. This wasn’t for his sake, it was for Siwoo’s. They had promised not to hide anything from each other.

With a serious look, Siwoo said,

“Tell me.”

Yeonho took a deep breath and tried to stay calm as he picked up his phone. Then, as if it were nothing, he showed Siwoo the photo Park Jihyun had sent.

“I got this from Park Jihyun. Said you fell asleep next to him early this morning.”

“….”

Siwoo’s eyes immediately darkened with fury. What had happened while he was unconscious? What had Park Jihyun done to him while he was drunk? He clearly remembered walking into the room by himself. So how had this happened? It made no sense.

Had he somehow moved on his own while blacked out and made a terrible mistake? No, that was impossible. There was no way he’d be aroused by anyone who wasn’t Joo Yeonho. Mistaking someone else for Yeonho? Even more absurd.

He couldn’t be certain, but when he woke up, there were no signs his clothes had been removed or touched. He was sure nothing had happened.

“But Yeonho-ya…”

Siwoo’s eyes reddened instantly, and his hand trembled as he grabbed Yeonho’s cheek. What hurt him most in that moment wasn’t Park Jihyun. It was Yeonho’s calm demeanor.

“Why do you look okay? You’re not supposed to be okay.”

“Huh? I mean… I’m okay.”

“If that’s really how you feel, then you should’ve slapped me the second you saw me!”

Siwoo shouted, his voice shaking with fury. His eyes flickered with unease.

“Would it be okay even if I really did sleep with Park Jihyun while I was away?”

“Hyung, stop. I’m not going to be angry with you.”

“What if I slept with him while I was studying abroad too? Is that okay?”

“Kim Siwoo, calm down.”

Yeonho called his name in a calm voice. Still feeling the distance between them, he awkwardly patted Siwoo’s shoulder and continued.

“I already sorted everything out while I was alone. That’s why I’m calm now. No matter what happened, I’m still going to love you, and I don’t blame you. Nothing between us has changed.”

Yeonho smiled brightly. But Siwoo felt a sudden fear because of that empty smile. The way Yeonho looked at him, those hollow eyes, were full of resignation and surrender.

Had it been so painful, so unbearable, that while he was away, Yeonho had slowly emptied out all his love for him? What if Yeonho let go now?

Tears welled in Siwoo’s eyes. His voice trembled with fear as he asked,

“…Do you love me less now?”

Yeonho’s eyes widened in surprise. He stared at Siwoo’s tear-filled eyes for a long moment before finally speaking in a slow voice.

“You think I’m calm… because I love you less?”

“You said it yourself. That you were struggling because of how jealous and suspicious you’d become. That you hated being that way, and wanted to tone down the love a little.”

Now Yeonho’s eyes were glistening too. He climbed off Siwoo’s lap, sat on the floor with his knees pulled up, and answered in a small, defeated voice.

“I’m sorry I hurt you. I never meant to make you feel that way. I never wanted to hurt you…”

Why am I like this? Why am I so bad at love? Yeonho buried his head and hugged his legs tightly, curling in on himself.