F Side Story 13

Siwoo couldn’t believe his ears. Did he just say sorry? Was that word really coming out of Yeonho’s mouth?

He wrapped his arms around Yeonho’s small, curled-up body and pulled him back onto his thigh.

“Why are you apologizing? I didn’t say that to make you feel guilty. This isn’t something you should be sorry for.”

‘I didn’t want to make you feel that way.’ That was what Yeonho had said to him a moment ago. It wasn’t just Yeonho, Siwoo felt the same. He didn’t want Yeonho to feel sorry toward him. Which meant the only thing he could say now was,

“I’m sorry.”

In the end, he said exactly what Yeonho had said to him. And now he understood what kind of heart had been behind Yeonho’s apology.

He wrapped one arm around Yeonho’s slim waist and gently stroked his hair as he said,

“I felt like you were pulling away. I know it was just in my head. I’m sorry.”

Yeonho, who had been bowing his head until the tears in his eyes cleared, soon wrapped his arms around Siwoo’s neck and met his eyes. With a calm attitude that hadn’t crumbled like before, he said,

“If you just say you didn’t do it, I’ll believe you. That’s all I need.”

“Yeah. I didn’t. Nothing happened. I don’t know how that photo was taken but…”

His words faltered. He couldn’t explain to Yeonho the circumstances of the photo, nor did he have any proof to support his denial. Other than saying he had walked into the room himself and let Park Jihyun in, there was no other explanation for how they had ended up together.

Could it really be that this Kim Siwoo had foolishly fallen for his mother and father’s dirty tricks?

Just as a wave of self-loathing began to crash over him, Yeonho hugged him tightly around the neck and said,

“Okay, then it’s fine. Nothing’s changed. After everything we’ve already overcome together, are we really going to worry about something like this?”

And just like that, Yeonho comforted Siwoo instead.

But had that really made everything okay? Siwoo knew better than anyone that nothing had truly been resolved.

What tormented him was the fact that the only thing he could say to Yeonho was nothing happened, I don’t know. He had no memory of anything after lying down in the hotel room drunk, and thus no way to prove that nothing had happened. Pressing Park Jihyun would only backfire.

The only certainty Siwoo had came from his absolute belief in himself, that he loved Yeonho and only Yeonho. The Kim Siwoo he knew would never, even in a drunken daze, end up in someone else’s bed.

But what if that certainty shattered? What if Park Jihyun showed him a photo or a video? A video of drunk Siwoo moving on his own. Clothes could always be tidied afterward.

Maybe this was punishment for how harshly he’d treated poor Yeonho in the past. How anxious and alone must Yeonho have felt, afraid of being hated by him?

Siwoo lay down on the bed holding Yeonho in his arms. Yeonho’s body remained stiff. Even as Siwoo gently patted his chest to lull him to sleep, Yeonho just blinked up at the ceiling in silence. The words nothing’s changed felt like a complete lie.

It was only right for Yeonho to demand a clearer explanation and to be angry. Siwoo understood that Yeonho had always carried guilt toward him and tended to swallow his emotions. But if he kept bottling up even the pain, it would eventually destroy him.

There were so many things he wanted to say, but first he had to get Yeonho to sleep. He tucked Yeonho into his arms, pressing his face into his chest. Forced to close his eyes, Yeonho eventually dozed off with a soft wheeze.

As always, once Yeonho had fallen asleep first, Siwoo finally let himself drift off. Right up until the moment he fell asleep, he kept thinking through possible solutions. He believed he could find a wise way to resolve this.

Then he had a dream. In it, Yeonho, who had just drifted off in his arms, suddenly clutched his mouth and ran into the bathroom to vomit. He heard the sounds coming from the bathroom attached to their bedroom. Then, brushing sounds from brushing his teeth. Then the sound of sobbing beneath the bed.

Hearing such heartbreaking sounds and yet being unable to open his eyes or move, Siwoo thought it had to be a dream. A little later, Yeonho returned and curled up in his arms as if nothing had happened. In a small voice, he whispered,

“It’s okay. What you said is all true. As long as I stay inside the world you made for me, I’ll be fine.”

Tears streamed from Siwoo’s closed eyes. Yeonho was locking himself away in a warm but isolated fortress. The person he loved was suffering this much, and yet he was lying there like a corpse, unable to move because of some business trip fatigue. Even after realizing it wasn’t a dream.

That morning, in the dream, Yeonho left Siwoo forever. When Siwoo woke, Yeonho was sleeping beside him, holding his hand. But that hand was cold and stiff. Yeonho, who had been emotionally fragile to begin with, had pushed himself to forgive Siwoo, had tried so hard. And had ended up sick with grief and died. That was the dream.

When real morning came, Siwoo looked down at Yeonho, who was doodling on his hand while holding it, and spoke in a hoarse voice.

“Yeonho-ya, your hand’s warm.”

Just the warmth of Yeonho’s hand was enough for Siwoo to be thankful to whatever god there was. Maybe this was how Yeonho had felt all along when he was twenty, grateful every morning just to still be alive.

Yeonho spoke in a gentle voice.

“You’re warm too. You get even warmer in the morning after you’ve slept. Like a puppy.”

Siwoo slowly opened his eyes. His vision was still cloudy and blurred. He saw the curve of Yeonho’s lips, lifted in that warm smile he always showed him. As he looked at Yeonho’s lips and smiled back, Siwoo’s gaze drifted to his eyes.

His vision began to clear. At the same time, the smile faded from Siwoo’s face. Yeonho’s eyes were not smiling. They were still hollow and empty.

On Yeonho’s palm, he had written a message:

[If I’d loved you any less, I would’ve run away]

Yeonho went about his morning as usual. Siwoo quickly took the egg out of Yeonho’s hands.

“I’ll do it. I’m off today, but you have work.”

He left the frying pan on the heated induction stove. Yeonho could grab it and hit him in the head with it at any moment and it would be fine. No, at this point, he wished Yeonho would do something like that. Yeonho seemed dangerously unstable. Siwoo still hadn’t found a way to soothe his heart.

As Siwoo cracked the eggs, Yeonho’s hand hesitated in the air before eventually reaching for the frying pan handle. Siwoo tilted his head to the side as if offering it up, to make it easier for Yeonho to hit him.

“I’ll take you to work.”

Yeonho, plagued by the urge to knock Siwoo out and stuff him into a capsule, barely held back and let go of the frying pan handle. He forced down the surge of emotion and turned to take the toast from the toaster.

“It’s fine. You should rest. I’ll just make yours and head out. I don’t have much of an appetite.”

“Yeonho-ya.”

“Yeah?”

“We made a promise.”

Siwoo turned off the induction and faced Yeonho with a serious voice.

“No matter how much we fight, we eat together. Always.”

“We’re not fighting. Right? Don’t misunderstand. I’m not avoiding you. I just feel like I’ll get sick if I eat.”

Yeonho placed a hand on his chest with a pained expression. Siwoo recalled the vomiting from dawn and understood that Yeonho wasn’t avoiding him for any hidden reason.

Right now, Siwoo couldn’t force Yeonho to do anything. This wasn’t the time for pressure, he should be pleading. As he placed the fried egg onto the plate, he asked earnestly,

“If you leave like this, I don’t think I’ll be able to eat a single bite today. Can you please stay just a little while longer?”

Yeonho couldn’t ignore the pitiful tone in Siwoo’s voice.

“Then I’ll just stay with you while you eat.”

Working together, they finished preparing breakfast more quickly than usual. Yeonho, unable to hide his fatigue and moving awkwardly around the kitchen with Siwoo, naturally sat on Siwoo’s lap once he was seated at the table.

Siwoo hadn’t asked him to sit there, but was grateful and wrapped his arms around him.

Yeonho stabbed a sausage with a fork and fed it to Siwoo. Siwoo hadn’t asked to be fed either, but he accepted it gratefully.

While Siwoo chewed with his mouth shut, Yeonho stared closely at his face, sweet and delicate, though visibly worn from the night. That damned beautiful face made his resolve crumble. As if enchanted, Yeonho pressed his lips to Siwoo’s.

Taking advantage of that moment of softness, Siwoo leaned closer and put the sausage in Yeonho’s mouth. Yeonho instinctively leaned away, but when he saw Siwoo’s pitiful expression, he unconsciously opened his mouth and took a bite.

It felt like chewing sand. But as he chewed, Siwoo’s lips brushed against his, and suddenly the sand turned into heaven.

Leaning his head on Siwoo’s shoulder and closing his eyes as if surrendering, Yeonho thought,

Ah, I really do love this person. If he’s been lying to me, then I want him to keep lying like this forever. I’ll fall for it every time.

They had just survived a precarious separation. Yeonho couldn’t shake the thought of Park Jihyun finishing his trip and coming back to sleep with Siwoo again while he was out at work. It made his stomach churn.

Even today, he didn’t care about Siwoo’s parents. Siwoo had come back to him, and on a day like this, he even felt like he’d be grateful if they physically tried to keep him from leaving.

Siwoo had interpreted Yeonho’s early-morning note as meaning: If I loved you less, I’d have run away. He wasn’t confident Yeonho would come home today, so he planned to go pick him up after work. Once Yeonho’s mother returned from her business trip, he intended to casually ask her why the client had fired Park Jihyun.

With a heavy heart, he cleaned the house. He passed through the bedroom, the living room, the bathroom, and finally entered the room Yeonho used as his workspace. While wiping the desk, he lifted Yeonho’s white laptop.

Underneath it was a clear file folder he hadn’t seen before. Siwoo pulled out the stack of papers inside and checked the title, then dropped into the chair in shock.

[Will and Testament]