F20

Yeonho gave an answer that Siwoo hadn’t imagined.

“Oh, actually, my parents run that place. I was there in January too.”

“Why would you only mention that now?”

To think they had met at Seong Platte Resort and yet only now, months later, he was revealing, ‘Actually, my parents own that place.’ Of course, Siwoo himself hadn’t said anything about the resort being built by his father’s construction company. He almost responded with, “Guess it’s fate then,” but held back. It was all meaningless.

“Can I ask who this is?”

“My eldest brother.”

Siwoo checked the shipping label. The sender’s name was Seong Junhee, and the card he’d sent was included.

Yeonho, it’s hard not seeing you every day. But I get through the week thinking of you. I can’t come to Seoul this week even though it’s your birthday. Let’s see each other soon. Happy birthday. I love you.

Siwoo didn’t have siblings, so he wasn’t sure what was normal, but, do brothers say things like this to each other? He felt an instinctive aversion to the Polaroid and the card. The paper seemed to emit a sinister energy. His dislike for Yeonho’s stepbrother swelled. He had so many things he wanted to say, but barely kept his mouth shut. He didn’t want to hurt Yeonho with careless words.

At that moment, Yeonho, fidgeting with his hands, blinked his teary eyes and said carefully,

“My brother was upset. It’s been more than two months since my birthday and I still hadn’t opened his gift. I’m usually not this careless with people around me, but lately I’ve been so caught up with one person I can’t focus on anything else. It’s the first time I’ve felt this way.”

“……”

“But you know, the pen you gave me? I opened that right away and started using it. I was so excited and happy.”

Yeonho’s voice trembled. In that moment, Siwoo dropped the Polaroid and the card from his hand and gently reached out to hold the back of Yeonho’s neck. Right before making contact, he loosened his grip to avoid startling him.

Even after three months of finding traces of other men in Yeonho’s apartment, even when his classmate had confessed his relationship with Yeonho, and even now, Siwoo’s reaction was always the same. It didn’t matter what kind of relationship Yeonho had with those people. The facts didn’t matter either.

Just the existence of others who had been involved with Yeonho made him so furious he could hardly stand it. He forced his emotions down and kept a calm exterior.

He’d always thought, Because I never learned love properly, because I’m too jealous, because I’m not mentally sound… Once you become fully mine, I might actually end up hurting someone.

Kim Siwoo admitted total defeat. Joo Yeonho had won. The same Siwoo who had never gotten addicted to cigarettes was now completely addicted to Yeonho.

Another version of himself, one he hadn’t expected, was beginning to stir again. And now, he didn’t even know how to let go of Yeonho. He had no friend or family to confide in about this complicated mess.

In front of the engineering building, he ran into the classmate who claimed he was currently in a situationship with Yeonho. The guy was smoking when Siwoo approached and asked,

“Hey, did you break up with Cha Suyeon?”

“Yeah.”

“You were obsessed with her, weren’t you? You clung to her like your life depended on it last year. You made such a scene that even people who didn’t care found out.”

“Yeah, I did. It was rough right after, but now I feel nothing.”

Siwoo found it strange how someone could talk like that about a person they once claimed to love with their whole life. He asked one more question.

“How do you let someone go? I mean, I get how to quit smoking…”

“You let go of a person with another person.”

“And that person?”

“You let go of them with another one.”

“So it’s always one person with another, with another, with another?”

“Yeah. That’s how it is.”

Maybe that was true for most people. But that method didn’t fit Siwoo. Human love seemed trivial and laughably light. As Siwoo gave a bitter smile, the guy offered him a cigarette.

“What? Is there someone you need to get over? Want me to set you up with a junior from our club?”

“No thanks.”

Siwoo returned the cigarette with a faint, negative smile and turned away. The guy called out from behind,

“Hey, let’s set a date!”

Siwoo waved without turning back. What he really wanted to tell that guy was this: You seem to think that just because Joo Yeonho let you stay at his place once, you’re in some mutual situation. But please, wake up.

But he kept his mouth shut for now. Yeonho’s semester wasn’t over yet. He didn’t want to cause trouble. He decided to stay quiet for just one more month, trusting Yeonho’s words that all his attention was on Siwoo.

After sending Siwoo off to class that morning, Yeonho sat still among the half-unpacked boxes. He couldn’t bring himself to go to school. He felt like crying endlessly after confessing his feelings and getting nothing but vague responses in return.

He couldn’t stand not hearing Siwoo’s voice, so he called him with a nervous heart.

“Hyung, when can you come home? Can you come right after class?”

“I’ve got something going on, so I don’t think I can come today. Let’s see each other tomorrow.”

“Oh… yeah, okay. Got it. Then I won’t make lunch.”

“What do you want for lunch? I’ll send it to your place around that time.”

“Hmm… sushi.”

“Alright. Sorry I couldn’t help you finish sorting everything.”

Siwoo’s kindness was always accepted without rejection, and Yeonho received it happily. Siwoo found joy in giving, and Yeonho found joy in giving it back to him. Talking on the phone eased Yeonho’s heavy mood, and he hung up gently.

A little while later, a message arrived from the architecture senior Yeonho had been working with on the group project.

Yeonho, what are you doing?

Yeonho only glanced at the preview and ignored it. He planned to check it the next day. But the senior, who had now figured out how to bait Yeonho into replying, dropped a hook Yeonho couldn’t ignore:

You said you wanted the scoop on Kim Yeonho from our department lol.

What is it?

I promised to introduce him to one of our club juniors haha. If he gets a lover, let’s all go out together lol.

***

The next morning at 8:20 a.m., the usual time Siwoo arrived at Yeonho’s apartment. But this time, Yeonho had woken up early and stood by the door to greet him. Today, Siwoo wasn’t alone. Standing beside him, fingers interlaced with another man’s, Siwoo spoke.

“Yeonho, congratulate me. I’m seeing someone.”

“What?”

“Come on, say hi. This is the person I love. He’s older than me. I fell for how calm and thoughtful he is.”

In that moment, Yeonho fully understood what it meant to feel like your chest was collapsing. His heart dropped under the weight of gravity, and all the feelings packed tightly in his chest came crumbling down. Unable to hold back the tears, he clung to Siwoo’s arm and cried out desperately.

“Why? Why do you love someone else and not me? Huh? Why?”

But Siwoo ignored Yeonho’s question and introduced him to the man at his side.

“Say hi, this is a close younger friend of mine. He acts like a baby, he’s cute like that. Basically, he’s immature. He doesn’t know how to do anything and doesn’t think things through, so I have to take care of him.”

After everything, after making Yeonho fall into this maddening one-sided love. He was going to sleep with someone else, whisper sweet nothings to someone else? Yeonho could not accept this. He couldn’t forgive it. Trembling, fists clenched, he shouted,

“I’m not happy for you at all, hyung. I’m heartbroken, and I’m really miserable because of you!”

Consumed by rage, Yeonho grabbed the frying pan he’d prepared for making kimchi fried rice and smacked Siwoo over the head with it. Siwoo collapsed on the spot, unconscious, while his boyfriend screamed and ran away.

Unable to contain his fury, Yeonho bashed Siwoo with a hammer until he was smashed to pieces and then kneaded him like rice cake. That was when Siwoo shrank to toy size, just small enough to fit into a capsule.

Yeonho stuffed mini Siwoo into the capsule and shook it with all his might. Siwoo came to inside, pounding his palms against the clear plastic. But Yeonho kissed the capsule and warned sternly:

“Hyung is mine. No one else can have you.”

Siwoo gave up on everything and sprawled out inside the capsule. And so, the love story of Kim Siwoo and Joo Yeonho came to a happy ending.

“Don’t touch. I’m not giving him to anyone else. He’s mine.”

Yeonho mumbled in his sleep and opened his eyes with a start. Whether it was lucky or not, it had just been a dream. But as he woke up with aching limbs and a sore body, it certainly didn’t feel like good fortune. He really wished that man had turned into a capsule toy for real.

Was it a mistake to say what he’d said yesterday? Had that pushed Siwoo away? He had managed to get Siwoo to care about him, to dote on him, but no matter how hard he tried, things just wouldn’t move forward. Maybe from the very beginning, to Siwoo, he had been nothing more than a cute little brother. Never anything more, never anything less.

Lately, Yeonho had started to realize that loving Siwoo was exposing an ugly part of himself. When they’d first met, he wanted to use Siwoo as a model for his artwork. But not long after, he abandoned the idea. He didn’t want other people to see Siwoo’s face.

If it were possible, he wished Siwoo would wear a shawl or hood all the time, just to hide himself. Now, even hearing people murmur about Siwoo as they passed by on the street made Yeonho feel irritated. Seeing anyone express interest in him made his mood plummet. The selfish possessiveness inside him was unfamiliar.

Joo Yeonho had never been a greedy person. If he had something delicious, he shared it. If he had something nice, he gave it to his friends. Maybe that was because he had never really been denied anything he wanted. But now, the more he couldn’t have Siwoo, the more he wanted to possess him completely.

The fact that it wasn’t possible in reality only made his longing worse. He wanted to be special to Siwoo. Was it really impossible? Was he just not someone who could be allowed to have him?

“…What do I have to do to make you mine?”

I want you to be mine, hyung. Please. And if I can’t have you, then I hope you’re just as miserable as I am.

Yeonho repeated the awful thought over and over in his head.