F21

After the terrible nightmare last night, Yeonho, gripped by a dark energy, now believed that ending this relationship was the right thing to do. If things continued like this, he felt certain he would eventually lose his grip and ruin Siwoo’s life.

What he really wanted to do was drag Siwoo into the mud using every possible method, then tear him apart until he was completely destroyed. No matter how much he thought about it, that seemed to be the only way to have him.

Siwoo was too successful, too beautiful. The person Yeonho loved was someone others desired too, and the fact that someone so difficult for others to have was also out of his reach hit him like a blow to the chest. His self-esteem had been completely shattered. But self-esteem wasn’t the issue. Even if he lacked everything, he still wanted Siwoo.

Was he, right now, like a child throwing a tantrum because he wanted to take a public object home? Like pulling a utility pole out of the ground and carrying it home? Like trying to claim a public bench as a personal bed? If anything, it was better for Siwoo to be owned by the state so that no one could privately possess him, rather than him becoming someone else’s lover.

He even considered becoming a financial criminal, stealing Siwoo’s assets, driving him into hardship, then lending him money at high interest and making him pay it back with his body. He imagined physically overpowering Siwoo and violently taking him. Tying down that 189.7cm muscular man and climbing on top of him, panting…

The fantasies only grew bigger. In the end, before he really became a criminal, Yeonho decided to end the relationship. He had to let go of the possessiveness that was eating him alive. He would return to the Yeonho who used to be generous and considerate before he met Siwoo.

The first thing he had to do to end things was confess his feelings. He planned to lay everything bare, and, just in case, ask Siwoo to go out with him.

Even if Siwoo rejected him, he would walk away cleanly… or so he told himself. But that was where the problem began. He knew he wouldn’t walk away. He would cling. He’d beg, please, just see me as someone you can date.

On the day he made up his mind, Yeonho prepared a much more extravagant lunch than usual. Thinking back to the neat meal Siwoo once made, soybean paste stew, warm rice, rolled omelet, and seasoned greens. He made something of similar quality. Half of it he cooked himself, and the other half he ordered in.

Across from Siwoo, who was eating a slice of Spam burnt on the underside, Yeonho spoke calmly.

“I love you.”

He sounded composed, but the confession had taken everything he had. He felt like his heart might leap out of his chest onto the table and startle Siwoo. What kind of response would he get? Siwoo would probably find it burdensome. Maybe he’d say not to say such things during meals, that it might give him indigestion. Would he call it gross and spit out his food?

Siwoo put down his chopsticks, looked him straight in the eye, and answered.

“I love you too.”

“What?”

Yeonho couldn’t believe his ears. What did this man just say? When Yeonho asked again, Siwoo repeated it.

“I love you too, Yeonho.”

He said it as if it were the most natural thing in the world, then smiled gently. He even used Yeonho’s chopsticks to debone a piece of fish and placed the meat on his rice. Yeonho felt like the world was collapsing. The sincerity in Siwoo’s voice was undeniable and hit him even harder.

Yeonho forced himself to chew and swallow the fish. After finishing the bite, he began to cry silently. Siwoo stood up, grabbed a tissue, and knelt in front of him, wiping his tears as he asked gently,

“Why are you crying? Did a bone get stuck in your throat? Open your mouth.”

“Hyung.”

“Yeah.”

“To you, I’m really just like a younger brother, aren’t I? Someone you want to look after. Like family.”

That wasn’t the kind of love Yeonho wanted. He didn’t want familial love, he wanted romantic love. His heart broke into pieces. When he finally burst into sobs, Siwoo gently wiped his tears and said,

“You’re not just a little brother to me. I don’t treat my family like this.”

“Then why are you so nice to me?”

“I told you. Because I love you.”

Siwoo still looked calm. Yeonho couldn’t understand and asked bluntly.

“Then why don’t you ask me to date you?”

“Do you have to date someone just because you love them?”

“Then what are we doing?”

“I’ll keep loving you like this. You go meet someone else and date them. Just having you by my side is enough for me. Isn’t that good for you too, Yeonho?”

Yeonho slapped him across the cheek. His hand and lips trembled. He wiped his tears with the back of his hand.

“Don’t say nonsense like that. No one in this world wants to give the person they love to someone else. Even if someone like that exists, I don’t think that’s love. Using that as an excuse is even more pathetic.”

Siwoo let out a deep sigh. He agreed. It was true, he didn’t want to give Yeonho to anyone else. Because he loved him.

Yeonho, having lost all self-control, shot back.

“You just want to be close to me and still date other people. It’s fun being with me but you don’t want to date me, right? Fine, I get it. You’re not attracted to me. It’s because I’m not charming.”

“No. You turn me on. Like a goddamn animal.”

“Don’t lie. I’m the only one who gets off thinking about you every night. I’m the only one who wishes you’d fall asleep next to me and wake up next to me.”

“I do it too. Every day. More than three times a day, thinking of you.”

“Then why are you like this!”

Yeonho shouted and shut his eyes tight. Siwoo debated how much he should confess. He took a deep breath and said,

“Being with me isn’t good for you. I’m not as good a person as you think. There’s something wrong with me.”

“That’s even more pathetic. Don’t make excuses like that. Who’s gonna believe that? I don’t know how you treating me is any different from how my brothers treat me.”

The moment he heard the words “my brothers,” Siwoo’s eyes lost focus. Yeonho’s stepbrothers were somehow constantly stirring the dark impulses inside him. He had already been subtly annoyed by the so-called eldest brother, and now it was even worse.

Siwoo, eyes flickering strangely, spoke in a chilling voice.

“You want me to tell you exactly how it’s different?”

“Forget it. I don’t need to know.”

Yeonho staggered to his feet but couldn’t walk far before collapsing to the ground, clutching his chest and gasping. Siwoo rushed to hold him in his arms.

Yeonho’s tears wouldn’t stop no matter how much he wiped them away, and it shook Siwoo to the core. Yeonho cried in his arms like he was truly in pain, with an expression twisted in agony.

“If you hurt this much, it shakes my resolve. I made that decision for your sake.”

At those words, Yeonho sobbed even harder. He couldn’t let go of what might be his last chance. Whatever that decision was, whatever it meant, he had to break it.

“My heart hurts so much… If we love each other, why do we have to be like this?”

Yeonho’s weak voice cracked something inside Siwoo. Siwoo hugged him and gently patted his back.

“Alright. I’ll think about it again. Just give me one more day.”

But Yeonho pushed Siwoo away with all his strength and said something completely insincere at exactly the wrong time.

“I’m bringing someone else over tonight. You need to leave my house.”

That sentence burrowed deep into the crack forming in Siwoo’s heart and hit him hard.

“I was wrong. I take back what I said earlier. Don’t sleep with anyone else.”

“You don’t get to care who I sleep with. It’s not like you’re going to sleep with me anyway.”

“If that guy takes one step into this house, I won’t let him go. I’ll make sure he can’t use the lower half of his body again.”

For the first time, Siwoo let a piece of his raw emotion slip. Hearing his words, Yeonho calmed down and blinked quietly in his arms.

Chop the tree with an axe a hundred times and it will fall, success.

That evening, they met again at home after class. Yeonho was pouting and brushed past Siwoo. He threw his bag and socks onto the living room floor, grabbed some clothes, and went into the bathroom.

While Yeonho was showering, Siwoo picked up the bag and socks and put them away. Yeonho’s earlier words, that he couldn’t see how Siwoo was any different from his brothers, lingered in his mind. If possible, he wanted not only to take the place of Yeonho’s brothers, but even his father. Not to become family, but to be a lover who also filled the role of family afterward.

Soon, Yeonho came out of the shower. He was wearing a loose white T-shirt and mid-thigh-length shorts. As he walked past Siwoo, drying his wet hair with a towel, Siwoo called to him.

“Joo Yeonho, come here.”

He said it like a command while sitting on the sofa. With an angry face, Yeonho stomped over and naturally climbed onto Siwoo’s lap.

He folded his legs at the knees and straddled Siwoo, facing him. But because he was still sulking, he wouldn’t meet Siwoo’s eyes. Siwoo wrapped his arms around Yeonho’s waist and asked,

“Do you sit like this with your brothers too? You and I do this a lot.”

It was a question meant to refute Yeonho’s earlier claim that he didn’t know what made Siwoo any different from his brothers. Now that Siwoo had decided to open up his heart honestly, he wanted to show Yeonho exactly what he meant to him.

But Yeonho answered in a completely unexpected, deadpan voice.

“Yeah.”

“What?”

Siwoo grabbed Yeonho’s lower back. Had he grown up in a family so lacking in love that he didn’t think this was strange? He had never imagined anyone spending time with family members in this kind of posture. Even recalling every movie or drama he had seen, there wasn’t a single case where adult siblings sat like this with each other.

With a serious expression, he asked again.

“You really used to sit on your brothers like this with your legs spread?”

“When I was little. Not after I got older.”

“In elementary school?”

“Yeah.”

Accepting Yeonho’s explanation, Siwoo began testing boundaries, increasing the level of physical contact. One by one, he showed Yeonho all the things he had held back until now.

He pressed his nose into Yeonho’s damp brown hair and inhaled deeply. Then he buried his face in the nape of Yeonho’s neck and breathed for a long time. He ran his hands over Yeonho’s shoulder blades and hips, then moved his lips to his collarbone.

“If you don’t want this, say so. I’ll stop.”

“…I don’t want you to stop.”