F23

Yeonho tilted his head at Siwoo’s sudden question.

“Me?”

“Classmate? Senior from another department? The guy next door? Who was it?”

“What are you talking about? No one hugged me. It’s morning. Who would come by at this hour to hug me? There’s no one else but you who’d do that.”

“You said you get scared being alone at night. So maybe someone hugged you at night.”

It was the first time Siwoo had ever questioned him like this. He had never seen Siwoo make such a frightening expression. Even the shape of his pupils looked different, so much that it gave him chills. But strangely, Yeonho didn’t dislike the obsessive energy radiating from him.

It might seem odd, but that very gaze actually calmed him. Had Siwoo been hiding this side of himself the whole time, pretending everything was fine?

“I lied because I wanted to spend the night with you. I was alone last night.”

“There’s someone else’s scent on you. It’s disgusting. You don’t let just anyone hold you.”

At the word scent, Yeonho realized what Siwoo was upset about. To clear up the misunderstanding, he gently patted Siwoo’s back.

“You mean the cologne? It’s the one my eldest brother gave me. We opened it together that time, remember? I sprayed it because I wanted to look good for you today. He uses the same one. Do you not like it?”

In that moment, everything clicked for Siwoo. Eldest brother. It was him. The scent that lingered on the cushions. The man who used the bathroom in the early morning. The one with the black hair.

The man whose name was on the lease of this apartment. Seong Junhee.

“No wonder it smelled so refined. He has great taste. I’d love to meet him someday.”

Siwoo clenched his teeth as he spoke, his expression unchanged. He tried hard not to show the hostility he felt.

Yeonho couldn’t help but close his eyes and stifle a laugh at how quickly Siwoo’s attitude changed upon hearing the word eldest brother. When he opened them again, Siwoo’s eyes had returned to their usual, gentle sparkle.

Siwoo kissed Yeonho’s forehead and said affectionately,

“Do whatever you want. But I still like your natural scent best.”

“Okay. I won’t wear it again. I just wanted to seem more mature. Guess it backfired.”

Yeonho kissed Siwoo’s chin.

They were already kissing each other’s faces first thing in the morning, which made their relationship feel no different from that of lovers. But Siwoo believed they needed to define things clearly and make it official through proper steps.

Yeonho climbed onto the bed, hugging a pillow to his chest, and listened as the older Siwoo spoke. Siwoo dragged a chair in front of the bed and sat down. Stroking Yeonho’s cheek, he confessed sincerely.

“This is the first time in my life I’ve ever felt like I love someone. I didn’t even know I was capable of these kinds of feelings. I’ve never wanted to date before. You’re my first in everything.”

Yeonho smiled brightly and answered honestly.

“Really? I actually wanted to ask if you’d dated anyone before. I kept wondering but never got around to asking.”

“What about you? You’ve probably had a few, right? You and I are so different. I have no friends, I hate socializing, but you’re always cheerful and good with people.”

Siwoo asked without much expectation. But Yeonho was proud to give his answer with confidence. He too was experiencing everything for the first time.

“No. You’re my first too. I’ve never dated anyone, and I’ve never liked someone this much.”

It was true. He loved being around people and had lots of friends, but none of that ever developed into romantic feelings. No one had ever truly caught his attention. Then, at twenty years old, he had fallen for Siwoo at first sight. That was why he believed so strongly that Siwoo was his destined person.

Siwoo didn’t quite look convinced but nodded anyway.

“Okay. Then I want us to be bound to each other. And I want us to do things we don’t do with anyone else.”

“You really talk like a grown-up. You’re asking me to be your boyfriend, right?”

Yeonho laughed, and Siwoo smiled faintly with him, but soon his expression turned serious.

“But listen carefully to what I’m about to say.”

Yeonho stopped laughing and focused. Siwoo stroked Yeonho’s hand and calmly began to explain.

“You probably noticed. My parents are strict, and I didn’t grow up in a normal environment. But after meeting you, a lot changed. You’re so important to me that I might end up loving you the wrong way.”

“Are you… proposing to me or something?”

Yeonho tilted his head, not expecting the conversation to shift into childhood trauma and household dynamics. Siwoo looked a little hurt.

“Am I the only one being serious here?”

“No, I like that it sounds like a proposal.”

Irritated by Yeonho’s teasing, Siwoo pulled his cheek.

“Joo Yeonho, I’m not saying this lightly. I’m saying this because I’m ready to love you for the rest of my life and take responsibility for you.”

“Then you’re not going to be with anyone else?”

“I’ll never love anyone else. I thought long and hard after meeting you, and this is the conclusion I came to. So I want you to take your time too. Think it over, and when you’re sure you can handle someone like me, let me know.”

Yeonho got so excited at the idea of being loved forever that he threw his arms around Siwoo’s neck and shouted,

“I’m all in. Let’s love each other forever and die together!”

But Siwoo gently peeled Yeonho off and said,

“Giving you time doesn’t mean a week or a month. I’ll stay like this, so take as many years as you need. Even if you go off and meet someone else, you can still come back to me. Five years, ten years, I don’t care. But once you come back, that’s it. From that moment on, I have to be your last. Once you accept me, I’ll never let you go.”

Yeonho didn’t understand why Siwoo was being so cautious. Honestly, it sounded ridiculous.

“Five years? Ten years? We already like each other. Why wait? What am I supposed to make of that?”

He still felt like Siwoo was trying to keep their relationship undefined. As he snapped, Siwoo responded,

“Once we start dating, you won’t be able to break up with me. That’s why I want us to be careful.”

“I am careful. I’ve thought about this just as long as you have. And don’t take back what you said. I’m scary, you know.”

“Wait, hang on. Baby, calm down.”

“Don’t call me baby. I’m an adult too.”

“Yes sir, of course. Please calm down.”

Siwoo held Yeonho’s arms gently to calm him. Everything they had talked about until now had just been the preface. The real reason for this serious tone was still to come.

“There’s something you need to know before you choose me.”

Siwoo exhaled deeply, bracing himself. It wasn’t easy to say. He slowly unbuttoned the shirt he had bought specially to look good for Yeonho today. Button by button, he exposed what he had kept hidden.

Yeonho thought, Is this some kind of pre-dating body inspection? Should I undress too? But those foolish thoughts vanished in an instant. His large eyes filled with tears.

Across Siwoo’s chest and stomach were scars, remnants of beatings. Yeonho buried his face in the pillow and cried silently. Siwoo looked at him gently and continued.

“My father used to beat me until I was in high school. He doesn’t touch me now that I’m an adult, but the emotional abuse never stopped.”

He removed his wristwatch for the first time in front of Yeonho. There were cuts on his wrist, made with a box cutter.

“And these… I made them myself.”

Yeonho couldn’t hold back anymore. He broke down in sobs. Siwoo wiped his tears with the back of his hand and spoke softly.

“After I met you, I stopped. Since I started loving you, I haven’t hurt myself again. That’s why you’re so special to me. I love you so much, it might be more than you can handle.”

“Hic… sob…”

The image people had of Siwoo was nothing like the real Kim Siwoo. The flawless, perfect persona of Kim Yeonho was something built by his parents and Siwoo himself over twenty years, his background, looks, grades, and behavior all impeccable. Siwoo wanted to be just as flawless, so he could love Yeonho without showing him this broken part.

But this was the truth. He lived a life where even small mistakes, like putting bowls in the wrong spot on the table or leaving his shoes the wrong way, resulted in beatings and scolding about how he was raised.

“I’ll tell you everything. When I was in middle school, I snapped and attacked my father. He got hurt badly.”

“…”

“After that, I started hurting myself so I wouldn’t hurt others. If I didn’t, I felt like I’d end up killing him. I was sure of it. So I decided it was better for me to be the one to get hurt.”

He looked down at Yeonho’s slender neck with eyes full of sorrow.

“I’m someone who could put you in danger. I’m sorry I didn’t tell you sooner.”