F24

Right now, Siwoo was apologizing to Yeonho simply for existing. For being a man whose scars were hidden where no one could see, who endured each day by harming his own body, unable to find any purpose in life, and for having the audacity to hide all this while trying to love someone. He was sorry for that.

“I must’ve scared you. I’m sorry.”

He wasn’t unconcerned about the shock or trauma Yeonho might experience. But if they were going to become something more, he had to tell Yeonho the truth. He had to give him the choice. If Yeonho couldn’t handle the real him, Siwoo was ready to respect that and wait, no matter how long it took. On the surface, it was a gesture for Yeonho’s sake.

But during that process, Siwoo realized there was something twisted inside himself. A part of him was confident that exposing everything would make Yeonho choose him even more. If he showed Yeonho how broken he was, kindhearted Yeonho would be stirred by sympathy and feel pity for him.

As if pretending to think of Yeonho, to care about him, he was actually full of selfish, dirty intentions. He saw himself as a terrible person.

But Yeonho didn’t give the answer Siwoo had been expecting.

“Hyung, I must be a really awful person. Why am I like this… I feel like a monster.”

Siwoo’s heart dropped. He interpreted Yeonho’s words as rejection. That Yeonho couldn’t accept someone so damaged. That the man he thought he liked turned out to be a lie, and he was disappointed.

In the end, he had made a foolish mistake. He’d thought Yeonho liked him enough. He’d tried to trap Yeonho using his kindness. He had no right to dream of being loved when even his parents hadn’t loved him.

“It’s okay. I knew you’d reject me. That’s why I had to tell you first. I would’ve been lying to you otherwise.”

He said it was okay, but it wasn’t. Not at all. He clenched his fists tightly, forcing himself to appear composed. Ugly thoughts kept trying to crawl out of his throat.

If you push me away, I’m going to cut my wrist again tonight. While you live your life ignoring me, I’ll rot away alone, hurting myself every day. And if you never come back to me, I’ll die somewhere, covered in blood, all alone.

Should he say that to Yeonho? No. Absolutely not. He shut his mouth tightly and swallowed the words. And swallowing such rotten thoughts only made his heart decay further.

What if he didn’t say it and just showed it instead? What if he hurt himself in front of Yeonho, planted guilt in him, and made him stay? Could he trap Yeonho like that forever?

But Siwoo lowered his head. If Yeonho ever discovered he had thoughts that dark, he’d never come close again. He might leave forever. So he had to hold it in.

“That’s why I just wanted to stay by your side as a close hyung. I was selfish. I didn’t have the courage to let you go completely.”

Yeonho didn’t answer. He just trembled, sobbing silently. It took quite a while before he calmed down. After wiping his eyes on his sleeve, he fell into thought for a moment. Then he looked at Siwoo, his expression surprisingly calm.

His eyes were red and swollen, his eyelids heavy as he blinked. He shook his head and spoke in a firm voice.

“When did I reject you? I didn’t say no.”

“Then…”

It was too complex to answer in one word, so Yeonho didn’t respond right away. Instead, he took Siwoo’s hand and pulled him under the covers. Once he got Siwoo to lie down, he wrapped his smaller arms around Siwoo’s larger body and held him close.

Even then, he didn’t give a clear answer. He just ran his fingers gently over the red lines on Siwoo’s wrist. Then, suddenly, he pressed down hard on one of the scars. Even though the wound had long since healed, Siwoo winced and clung tightly to Yeonho’s body.

It was the first time Yeonho had seen Siwoo looking so vulnerable. Watching him flinch and let out a stifled groan, Yeonho began to smile faintly. He gently stroked Siwoo’s tousled black hair and whispered softly into his ear.

“You’re so pitiful. Makes me want to protect you.”

So this is what he meant. Hearing Yeonho say that, Siwoo felt relieved. Everything had gone just as he hoped. Yeonho would feel sympathy, would pity him, and would never be able to leave someone like him. Siwoo didn’t miss the chance. With the most pitiful expression and trembling voice, he begged.

“Protect me. Don’t leave me. I have no one but you.”

He showed Yeonho his weakest side and clung to him. And Yeonho, as if crumbling under emotion, smiled through his tears.

“Hyung, I like you so much. I think I love that you’re such a mess.”

Yeonho let out a deep sigh, then finally admitted the terrible truth he’d been hiding. He wrapped his arms tightly around Siwoo’s big body as if holding a small child.

He cried for Siwoo, who had endured such pain alone. He cried for the awful things Siwoo had experienced. But also, he cried because he was happy. Because now, he could have Siwoo all to himself. It felt like the problem that had tormented him ever since falling in love with Siwoo had suddenly vanished.

He rubbed his cheek against Siwoo’s and kept speaking his thoughts. He felt like a monster for finding joy in this moment. But he couldn’t wipe the smile from his lips.

“I’ll take care of you. Lean on me. I’ll make it so you can’t live without me. This is my chance.”

He wanted to trap Siwoo like a capsule, to make sure he could never escape. Ever.

Hearing that brutally honest confession, Siwoo burst out laughing and ruffled Yeonho’s hair.

“You little psycho…”

“Yeah, I’m crazy. I’m greedy and selfish. Bet you didn’t know that. Are you disappointed?”

“No. That might be the nicest thing anyone’s ever said to me.”

Siwoo replied, his voice as excited as Yeonho’s face. Though Yeonho was smiling, his expression was a complicated mix of emotions. Siwoo saw anger and self-loathing in it, and it mirrored his own heart.

Yeonho kissed each of Siwoo’s fingers where they laced between his own.

“Even if I’m an awful, creepy boyfriend, it’s too late now. You can’t run anymore.”

Siwoo gripped the back of Yeonho’s neck and pulled his face close, pressing a kiss to the bridge of his nose. He found Yeonho innocent for speaking his heart so plainly, unlike himself who still hid so much.

Yeonho let out a deep breath and threw back the blanket covering Siwoo.

“But that doesn’t mean I like that hyung is hurt.”

The moment he saw the scars again, tears welled up. He was furious at the person who had done this to Siwoo, and the emotion overwhelmed him. He pressed soft kisses to the scars on Siwoo’s chest and stomach, then began to gently lick them.

Siwoo stroked Yeonho’s head as he tended to the wounds like a puppy.

“They’re ugly, right? I’ll go get them removed. I’ll be showing you my body every day from now on.”

“I don’t mind. Thank you for showing everything only to me.”

“I want to look good for you. You like me because I’m beautiful, right?”

“You knew? That I like you because you’re beautiful? You caught me.”

Yeonho laughed out loud and cupped Siwoo’s beautiful face in both hands. He kissed his soft cheeks, then brushed his lips over Siwoo’s long eyelashes. Afterward, he gently grabbed Siwoo’s wrist and stared at the scars he had made himself. His face twisted in pain, but he made a firm promise.

“You won’t ever hurt yourself here again. I won’t let you.”

He was sure he could stop Siwoo from ever harming himself again. He would give him so much love that Siwoo would never need a blade in his hand again. He gently pressed his tongue to the red lines that had once brought pain. As he licked Siwoo’s wrist, the tears falling from his eyes soaked into Siwoo’s shirt sleeve.

Siwoo realized that Yeonho’s earlier words were already coming true. That he would make him unable to live without him. And it was happening far quicker than expected. Maybe it had already happened.

Their eyes met as Yeonho lifted his face from Siwoo’s wrist. At that moment, Siwoo bit down hard on his lip. Blood welled up.

Neither of them said a word. In the silence, Yeonho leaned forward and brought his tongue to Siwoo’s new wound. He swallowed Siwoo’s blood.

As if, from the very beginning, he had always been a part of him.