F26

I believe that there was a moment when you truly loved me too. It can’t all have been a misunderstanding, because I was too happy when I was with you.

Sometimes, I would dream that the love you gave me during our time together carried the same weight as mine. I still hoped for a twist, like in a drama. That there might have been some hidden story behind the way you abandoned me. That maybe the breakup you gave me wasn’t entirely sincere. It was a foolish thought.

I heard you hurt your head during the accident at the ski resort, and I thought maybe you lost your memories of me then. To be honest, aside from the fact that you didn’t look very well, there wasn’t much difference from the past you.

You always used to say you were immature and thoughtless, but I always saw you as calm and careful. You just happened to be cute as well.

You were shy, blushing all the way to the tips of your ears as you did cheeky things with a flustered face, yet you still said everything you wanted to in a soft, composed voice.

“You can only show this to me, hyung. What I’m showing you now is a secret, okay? Don’t tell anyone. Okay?”

You whispered such bold words in my ear and then spread your legs in front of me, showing me your private parts. That day, your entire face was flushed red, not just your ears. No matter where I touched you, I could feel how hard your heart was pounding. I could feel your pulse through your ankles that I was holding in both hands.

Even just a little while ago, you were the same. Your voice trembled and you looked bashful. The problem was, there were too many lies in what you showed me.

And at both twenty and twenty-five, you acted the same way with a man you’d just met. Even if you’d forgotten your time with me, I already knew I wasn’t the only person who had passed through your life. Yet you still pretended to be someone who had never experienced love before.

I’m no longer even sure I was the only one you made such a special promise to during that time. If you could pour out words of love and then walk away as if none of it had happened, then maybe I wasn’t the only one you said and did those things with.

Saying things like, “You’re the only one for me,” “You’re special”, adding those lies to create a sense of uniqueness.

The truth is, many people loved you. And I was just one of the many who did. I couldn’t accept that for a long time, and that made me miserable.

“…Can I ever let you go?”

***

While Siwoo was out of the room, Yeonho was left alone, blinking slowly, lost in thought. He felt frustrated because he couldn’t understand Siwoo’s actions. It felt like they were talking past each other.

Why was he so fixated on whether I was telling the truth? If he was angry and hurt because someone like me, more a monster than a person, dared to initiate sex, I could understand that. But being angry over a lie? That I couldn’t understand at all.

Yeonho had lived his whole life practically asexual, without any sexual desire, so he didn’t feel the need to defend himself. But when he couldn’t understand Siwoo’s anger, he started to feel stubborn.

When Siwoo finally returned to 415, he tossed the crushed cigarette pack into the trash. Yeonho ignored Siwoo’s look that said, “Why are you still here?” and boldly lay back down on the bed.

Siwoo stared silently at Yeonho, lying shamelessly on his bed. Hands in the pockets of his sweatpants, head tilted, he spent a long time wondering what to do with this audacious creature.

Yeonho, intimidated by Siwoo’s silence, hid half his face under the covers and held his breath. Then, cautiously, he broke the silence.

“Kim Siwoo-ssi.”

“Yes.”

“I don’t really care how you see me. Let’s just say I lied, and I’m trash. But even if I’m trash, does that give you a reason to be this mad? Like you said, it was just a one-night stand. Why does that matter in our relationship?”

To be honest, he didn’t even mind being treated as cheap and vulgar by Siwoo. He never expected to become lovers with him anyway, nor did he think Siwoo would keep seeing him after getting what he wanted. He saw no need to explain the misunderstandings or assumptions Siwoo had.

“…”

Siwoo lifted his chin and glared down at Yeonho in silence. Yeonho could see murderous intent forming in Siwoo’s eyes in real time. He had no idea what exactly had triggered this level of fury.

Then Siwoo spoke.

“You’re right, Joo Yeonho-ssi. That stuff doesn’t matter to our relationship.”

“If it’s just that you find the idea of sleeping with me disgusting, just say so. I was prepared for that much.”

“Give me a second to answer. I’m still choosing my words. I don’t want to say something I’ll regret again.”

Looking downcast, Yeonho mumbled quietly.

“Then is it about STDs or something? I’m clean.”

“Did you sleep with that many people that you needed to get tested?”

Siwoo, who had been trying to choose his words carefully, blurted that out unconsciously. He knew the question was petty, but he was already doing his best not to say worse. Yeonho, confused by Siwoo’s curiosity about his sexual history, asked:

“Wait, are you seriously trying to figure out if I’m a virgin or not? Is that such a big deal?”

“Of course not. But I bet you think I’m that kind of person, don’t you. Whatever. Just think what you want. I don’t really like myself like this either.”

“Sorry, but are you even in a position to demand a virgin? Are you a virgin, Kim Siwoo-ssi?”

“I’ve only ever slept with one person. I told you. I’m still not over my first love.”

Yeonho flinched and closed his mouth. But he assumed it was a lie. Siwoo was someone who lied very well.

“That’s a lie, right? You said it was five years ago.”

“I haven’t been with anyone since. My body just can’t respond unless it’s that person.”

Siwoo spoke calmly, but with a voice that bordered on pleading. Hearing the sincerity in his words, Yeonho finally understood. He finally realized why Siwoo was rejecting him so irrationally. He quickly got up from the bed.

“…I’m sorry. You’re still in love with someone, and I was acting like a fool.”

“Joo Yeonho-ssi, what am I supposed to do?”

“I’ll leave right now. You told me already, but I didn’t take it seriously because it was in the past. I’m ashamed.”

Siwoo, collapsing onto the sofa and covering his eyes with his hand, said sharply:

“Don’t brush it off as just something in the past.”

“I just didn’t understand what it meant.”

“Get out.”

“Sorry for bothering you.”

***

Yeonho was walking slower than usual. In the time it took to take five steps, he barely managed two. His legs just wouldn’t cooperate. When he finally got to 315, he collapsed right in front of the door.

“So that’s how it was. You were just trying to find another excuse to say no, and I didn’t take the hint.”

He’d made a fool of himself for coveting someone he shouldn’t have. If his body couldn’t respond unless it was “that person,” then why did he keep getting aroused in front of me and make me think I could be his bed partner?

He’d been prepared to be rejected in harsher ways. But strangely, what hurt more was the fact that Siwoo had someone else he loved. Being hated or seen as disgusting would have been easier to bear than being rejected because Siwoo’s heart belonged to someone else. Even though he didn’t want a deeper relationship, it still hurt.

“Why does it hurt this much…”

Was that really my type? Maybe I was just that fond of him. It wasn’t love, and yet I felt like I’d been dumped after a one-sided crush. Maybe I was just too tired and too comforted in a weak moment, and that made me fall too fast and too hard.

Sitting there with his hands covering his face, he felt his sleeves getting damp. Loving someone you met just a day ago didn’t make sense, and neither did crying over it. Maybe these senseless tears were from depression.

He opened the door to 315 and walked inside. Without a sound, he took out the sleeping pills. He didn’t want to think anymore. He was just so exhausted. He took everything he had, including what Junyoung had given him, and poured them into his hand.

Junyoung always got him way more than he was prescribed. He had over a dozen pills now. He was going to take them all at once and fall asleep. And if he never woke up again, that would be fine.