F33

Siwoo tossed several checks onto the bed. The business card he had given to Yeonho and Seong Junyoung was no longer in use now that he’d canceled his employment, but it still had his personal contact information. He hoped they would send him an invoice later for the cleaning and repairs required for the trashed room.

He packed his things to return to Seoul. No matter what happened to him, he had never once given up on loving Yeonho. But now, he had decided to stop. He hadn’t endured all these years just to witness Yeonho entangled in such filth with his stepbrother again.

It made no sense to keep loving Yeonho after what had happened. The world Siwoo had tried so hard to protect had completely collapsed, and his pure love for Yeonho was crushed beneath the wreckage. This dirty, pathetic, painful love had just ended for good. He would never go looking for Yeonho again.

Gripping the handle of his suitcase, Siwoo walked down the hallway and opened his phone’s gallery to delete all the photos he’d taken of Yeonho over the past two days. Yeonho had waved him off countless times, saying he didn’t like having his picture taken, but in the end, he had always given in to Siwoo’s requests.

“…What the hell, why is he so pretty.”

Before he realized it, he’d only been deleting photos of scenery and streets that didn’t show Yeonho’s face. Thinking this wouldn’t do, he hardened his heart and deleted every trace of the new memories they’d made since their reunion.

In love, there had been no sincerity, no truth. Joo Yeonho, who solved every moment with a lie, didn’t deserve to be loved.

But then, as he descended the stairs filled with hatred, a stupid thought crossed his mind: Was there a chance Yeonho hadn’t acted of his own will earlier?

He knew it was a ridiculous idea. He’d seen it all with his own eyes. But Siwoo’s instinct still wanted to believe that the person he loved most had done nothing wrong. That there had been some kind of circumstance. That maybe it wasn’t his fault.

With each step down the staircase, Siwoo’s mind, so full of hatred for Yeonho, began to rewrite itself in the way that suited him best. To defend Yeonho, Seong Junyoung inevitably had to become the villain in his worldview. What if Yeonho had wanted to come to him, but had been forcibly held back by Junyoung?

What if Yeonho had been suffering from the side effects of the sleeping pills at that moment? Siwoo knew firsthand that the drug could cause him to speak and act out of sync with his actual will.

Yeonho would sometimes say things he had no memory of, as if he were fully conscious. Without enough time to carefully observe him, it was hard to tell whether he was lucid or not.

But those side effects only occurred when he’d taken sleeping pills. Except for the first night, Yeonho hadn’t taken any during their time together, which was why Siwoo had been sure he’d been in his right mind.

So even when he saw him earlier on the third floor, Siwoo had assumed he was sober. Because there was no reason for Yeonho to take sleeping pills just before their planned meeting.

“Isn’t it possible… that, like Yeonho said, they weren’t dating and that bastard just had a one-sided obsession and drugged him to try to rape him?”

From the beginning, it had seemed suspicious that Junyoung sent Yeonho such a large quantity of sleeping pills by courier. Looking into his psychiatric appointment records, it seemed Yeonho always received just enough for his needs, no more. And yet the man who claimed to love and care for him had sent a potentially dangerous amount. Siwoo couldn’t understand it.

Sure, it was true that Yeonho was the one who’d lost control and tried to swallow a dozen pills at once. But still, Junyoung may have been the one who pushed him to that point from behind the scenes.

He admitted it: he hated Seong Junyoung so much, and was so jealous of him, that he wanted to blame him for everything. He needed to win, even if only mentally, in order to hold on to this love.

That’s how love makes people pathetic. It leads you to minimize the faults of the one you love, and place the entire burden on the one you don’t.

“I just don’t want Siwoo-ssi to get hurt. I really want to stop that from happening.”

He remembered Yeonho’s words, spoken while gently brushing his hand on the coastal road. There had been love in Yeonho’s eyes that day. Siwoo had desperately hoped it was real.

By the time he reached the underground parking garage, Siwoo’s love had only deepened. Now he was at the point of thinking, Yeonho, even if you don’t love me, even if everything was fake, I’ll still love you.

He set down his suitcase and restored all the photos he had just deleted. Good thing he hadn’t permanently erased them.

“…You’re beautiful.”

After cutting Yeonho out of his life, Siwoo realized within five minutes that he couldn’t. He turned back to retrace his steps. Just then, he heard movement in the parking lot. A loud thunk echoed as a car trunk was slammed shut.

At this hour, the only other person using the parking garage besides him was Joo Yeonho.

He quickly made his way to where Yeonho’s car was parked.

“…Ah.”

Yeonho seemed to have decided to leave with Seong Junyoung. Standing by the driver’s side door, he stared silently at Siwoo. Junyoung had paused just before getting into the passenger seat and was now holding his breath, glancing around nervously.

The world Siwoo had just barely managed to rebuild in his mind was starting to collapse again. But he tried to keep his voice calm.

“Joo Yeonho-ssi, you still have plans tomorrow.”

“I canceled them.”

Yeonho replied coolly. His demeanor had changed since they last saw each other in Room 315. There was a chill in his expression now, and a hint of guardedness. It was understandable. Siwoo had shown violence. Caution was natural.

“I’ll leave. So stay.”

“No, I’m fine.”

TN: the shifts to first person in this part is not a typo or error. 

I could feel him drawing a line. He had chased after me saying he had something to say, and I was the one who pushed him away first, so I didn’t want to blame him for that. I had just really thought he still had something left to say, but maybe not.

Either way, I understood now that Yeonho was in a situation where he had to choose between me and Seong Junyoung. And of course, I was the one being left behind.

I gave a small nod in farewell, and as Yeonho turned to get in the car, I asked him one last question.

“Are you really in a safe condition to drive?”

Yeonho turned his head back and answered.

“Yes.”

“It’s dark outside.”

“It’s not dangerous.”

His answers were short. But that was enough for Siwoo to gauge his condition. If Yeonho wasn’t in a clear state of mind, Seong Junyoung wouldn’t let him drive.

All the scenarios he had imagined over those five minutes walking down the stairs now felt embarrassingly pointless. He felt pathetic for having needed a villain so badly just to make sense of it all. Since arriving at this place, he had been made a fool of more than once.

Yeonho hesitated, lips pressed tightly together, then forced a smile and said,

“You don’t have to be kind to me anymore. You’ve been far too kind, even now.”

Siwoo’s expression twisted slightly. He gave a weak laugh and replied with regret in his voice.

“Is that so? Then why is it that the only thing I remember is shouting and getting angry at you?”

Yeonho shook his head as if to say that wasn’t true.

“…You don’t need to go out of your way to be nice. Really.”

Yeonho’s heart sank again at Siwoo’s gentle act. He turned his back on him and got into the car. As he pulled away, he glanced into the side mirror and saw Siwoo standing motionless.

The man who killed my brother. The man who wants to kill me.

Those were the two phrases that defined Siwoo. And Yeonho gave more weight to the latter. He was leaving with Junyoung tonight, drawing this boundary for now. But he didn’t believe this would be the last time he saw Siwoo.

If Siwoo still held resentment toward him, wouldn’t he come looking for him again?

If possible, he wanted Siwoo’s hatred to grow even stronger so that he would think about him every single day. That way, when they met again, he would look at him with those same eyes full of murderous intent, just like he had during the past three days. Until the day they met again, Yeonho would pray that Siwoo came to hate him more, and live on only waiting for that day.

After learning who Siwoo really was, Yeonho had a moment where his heart completely fell apart. But he collected himself, he found that he actually felt better. Though it had been revealed that he was not the object of Siwoo’s love, finding out he was the object of Siwoo’s hatred instead felt thrilling. As he always thought, sometimes, hatred weighs heavier than love.

Was it perverse of him to feel this way about the man who had killed his brother?

“Ha… I finally feel alive.”

Murmuring with a languid voice as he held the steering wheel, Yeonho was met with a puzzled look from Junyoung. Driving onto the road, Yeonho rolled down the window and laughed aloud, his face bright and refreshed.

***

Yeonho was gone.

If their relationship had been this easy to end from the start, maybe he should’ve just treated him kindly for those two days and let him go. Maybe he shouldn’t have gotten angry when he kissed another man. Maybe he shouldn’t have let his pride get in the way. He should’ve done everything Yeonho asked.

He shouldn’t have looked at him with hatred in his eyes.

Not long after, Siwoo’s car pulled out of the parking lot and sped up on the road, searching for Yeonho’s. His empty eyes fixed straight ahead as he drove, and the moment Yeonho’s car came into view, he crashed his own vehicle into it without hesitation.

And like a madman, he mumbled,

“I missed you.”

He had only one intention: to restart whatever connection he had with Yeonho, no matter the method. But even though his car had taken serious damage, Yeonho didn’t stop. He simply kept driving.

As if to say, Try to catch me for the rest of your life.