F41

The next day, Yeonho woke up from a nap beside Siwoo, rubbed his eyes with a yawn, and discovered doodles drawn on his palms.

“Huh?”

There was a heart drawn on each palm, one on the left and one on the right. Feeling a ticklish sensation in his feet, he checked the soles and found a puppy drawn on his right sole. It was the same character as the toy Siwoo had given him on the day they first met, as a birthday present.

“So cute…”

Yeonho burst out laughing and took a picture of the doodles. His phone gallery had been slowly filling up with photos of the little drawings Siwoo made on his hands and feet. For the past month, Siwoo had been easing his loneliness by doodling on Yeonho while he slept. And Yeonho loved those little traces of him.

There was no trace on his body of having been touched inappropriately, like his chest or genitals, without permission. Only the faint mark on his cheek remained.

Yeonho decided to check Siwoo’s phone, something he hadn’t done in a while. Siwoo was still using the shared passcode. A thought crossed his mind: maybe while he was asleep, Siwoo had taken photos of his sleeping face or even his naked body. Even though he had given permission, his fingers trembled as he opened the gallery.

But, as expected, there was nothing like that.

“Haa…”

He let out a relieved sigh and returned the phone to its place. A little later, while Siwoo was reading in the living room, he came back to the bedroom and embraced him.

Yeonho cautiously asked,

“Hyung, I said you could take pictures of my body, but why didn’t you?”

Siwoo, who had his cheek in his mouth as he playfully bit it, looked at him like he didn’t understand what he was saying.

“Of course I didn’t. Don’t say dangerous things like that.”

“Then… have you ever taken off my clothes while I was sleeping and looked at my body? Even if you didn’t take pictures?”

“How could I do that while you were asleep? If you show me, I’ll look all I want. I’ll stare like I’m burning a hole.”

As soon as he finished speaking, Yeonho threw his arms around him.

I love you. I love you.

He repeated the words again and again, as if to carve them into Siwoo’s heart, pouring out all the feelings he had kept inside.

After a moment of thought, Siwoo asked cautiously,

“Yeonho-ya. But, um…”

“Yeah?”

“Do you ever want to try… you know, me doing it while you’re asleep?”

It was a serious question from Siwoo, who’d been feeling pressure from the thought that he needed to give Yeonho new stimulation. But Yeonho laughed out loud and answered brightly.

“Yeah. I really want to try that with hyung.”

***

In November, Yeonho started coming home earlier. He used to stay with Siwoo until 9 PM, but now he returned home by 6:30. So on days with late afternoon classes, he went straight home without meeting Siwoo.

Siwoo had realized that Yeonho was timing his return with his eldest brother Seong Junhee’s commute. He hated the thought of Yeonho going back to that house where Junhee was.

Around that time, Yeonho picked up a new habit, he started obsessively taking photos everywhere he went, like he was leaving behind evidence. Though he majored in photography and wanted to work in the field, he had never been the type to take pictures nonstop like this.

One day on a drive together, Siwoo decided he needed to check Yeonho’s phone gallery, since Yeonho had been acting differently. He had thoroughly checked the phone several times before but had never found anything suspicious.

Even the messages exchanged with Seong Junhee, whom Yeonho now lived with, showed nothing unusual. Junhee’s affectionate tone was a bit much, but Yeonho’s dry replies made their chat seem like ordinary sibling talk.

What exactly was Yeonho trying to leave behind?

Since this obsessive photo-taking habit had started in November, Siwoo thought that maybe if he checked what Yeonho had taken this month, he could figure it out.

Yeonho had his phone resting on his thigh in the passenger seat. When Siwoo reached over and picked it up without hesitation, Yeonho jumped in surprise.

“Huh? Why my phone?”

It was the first time Yeonho had reacted like that to someone touching his phone.

“I just want to check something.”

Siwoo calmly entered the passcode, but it didn’t work. It had been changed. Swallowing a sudden surge of emotion, Siwoo looked at Yeonho and said,

“You changed the password.”

“Oh, yeah. Just, you know. You don’t really check it often, so I changed it to something easier.”

“Can you unlock it?”

He handed the phone back, but it was clearly a demand, not a request. Yeonho nodded and brought a trembling finger to the screen. He entered the passcode, but it didn’t unlock. He tried again. Still nothing. With an awkward smile, Yeonho said,

“Huh? Why can’t I remember? What was it again? Now that you asked, it totally slipped my mind. Sorry. I’ll unlock it for you once I remember.”

An obviously fake excuse. He forced the situation to move on and stuffed the phone into his pocket. Siwoo, breathing heavily now, called his name more tenderly than ever before.

“Yeonho-ya.”

“Yeah…”

“I think I’ve asked you over a hundred times if something’s wrong. And every time, you say nothing’s going on.”

Yeonho gave a forced smile and nodded. Anyone could see he was nervous. He swallowed hard and fidgeted with his fingers.

“There’s really nothing. I can’t just make something up.”

If this was how Yeonho was going to act, Siwoo had no choice but to say the things he’d swallowed out of misery. Worried that his words might hurt Yeonho, he spoke in the softest voice he could manage.

“Am I boring now? Is it that you’re tired of me?”

Yeonho’s voice rose, clearly not expecting this.

“What are you talking about? Why would you think that?”

“You said nothing’s going on. If that’s true, then this is the only way I can interpret it. Whenever we meet, you spend more time asleep than looking at my face.”

Yeonho responded urgently.

“It’s not because I’m bored! It’s just that… when I’m with you, I sleep really well. Maybe because I feel safe…”

“Feeling safe is just another way of saying it’s boring. There’s no more excitement or tension. If you were still excited or nervous, you wouldn’t fall asleep while kissing me. If you’re tired of me, just say it. I’ll try harder.”

Yeonho was at a loss for words.

Siwoo continued.

“So I keep wondering… maybe when you’re with someone else, you’re more alert, more tense. Like you spend your waking hours with them, and save your sleeping hours for me.”

His voice was gentle. He never raised it, not once. But it was clear he wasn’t trying to comfort Yeonho, he was confronting him.

Yeonho stayed silent, unable to answer. And Siwoo took that silence as an admission.

Just then, Yeonho pulled Siwoo’s hand to his chest. Siwoo felt his heartbeat, fast and steady, just like when he first believed Yeonho truly loved him.

Yeonho spoke in a wounded voice.

“You still think I’m not excited by you?”

But Siwoo couldn’t give him the reassurance he wanted.

“Maybe… it’s not that you’re excited. Maybe you’re scared. Afraid I’ll find out what you’re hiding.”

Tears instantly welled up in Yeonho’s eyes. Siwoo sighed and gently moved his hand from Yeonho’s chest to his cheek, wiping away the tears. Then he leaned in and kissed his eyelids.

“I hope I’m wrong. I want to believe you still love me.”

“You’re wrong. Everything you’re thinking is wrong. I haven’t changed.”

“If you never tell me what’s really going on, I’ll have no choice but to accept what I see. And I might end up hating you.”

At those words, Yeonho’s face twisted. He leaned his head against the car window and whispered to himself like he didn’t even realize he was speaking.

“Don’t hate me. Please…”

It didn’t sound like a request to Siwoo. But the pain on Yeonho’s face and in his voice was too real to ignore.

Siwoo, who’d been raised to stay in control, could never control himself when it came to Yeonho. With Yeonho, and with how he treated Yeonho, nothing ever went according to plan.

“Okay. I won’t hate you.”

Yeonho, breathing heavily, rested his head against the seat and spoke in a strained voice.

“I was wrong. I’ll do better, so you can trust me again.”

“I don’t want to trust you. I just want to say it again, whatever you’re thinking, whatever you’re hiding, you can’t escape me.”

It was a warning. But Yeonho felt relieved by it. He grabbed Siwoo’s hand.

Siwoo immediately pulled his hand back, then brought his fingers to just above Yeonho’s navel and whispered.

“No matter what you do, I’ll understand. I don’t care. Just don’t cross the line.”

“…”

“Don’t let anyone else inside you. If you break even that, I don’t know what I’ll do.”

Siwoo’s fingertip traced a slow, straight line down from just above Yeonho’s navel to his groin.

“From here to here, just keep this part mine. I’ll let go of everything else.”

“That will never happen. Don’t even imagine it.”

Yeonho said firmly. Even if it was a lie just to get through the moment, just hearing those words made Siwoo feel at peace. After saying everything he’d been holding in, the tension finally melted away. As he rested his head back against the seat and closed his eyes, Yeonho brought his hand to Siwoo’s and kissed the back of it carefully.

“Thank you.”

“For what?”

“For not letting me go.”

Yeonho blinked slowly, struggling to keep his eyes open, and continued.

“Even if it’s hard… please keep holding on to me. I’m begging you.”

As Yeonho pressed his cheek to the back of Siwoo’s hand, he looked like he was about to say something. But in the end, he closed his mouth and swallowed the truth.