F43

For the first time, Siwoo raised his voice. But Yeonho still kept his mouth shut. Holding onto Yeonho’s wrist, Siwoo slowly sank to his knees in front of him and collapsed. His voice trembled with tears as he pleaded.

“Do you know what kind of thoughts I’m having right now…? I keep thinking maybe he threatened you. The things you said to me won’t stop ringing in my head. I wonder, did that bastard secretly record your body? Did he touch you without permission while you were asleep? Is that why you couldn’t sleep properly at home, because you were scared? That’s what I keep thinking.”

Yeonho flinched.

“I’m scared that maybe I didn’t notice you were hurting, and blamed you instead. If that’s true, I’m going to hate myself so much. So please… tell me the truth. Am I just overthinking things? I mean, if it were really like that, there’s no reason you wouldn’t have told me. You would’ve asked for help, right?”

“…”

“But if I don’t turn that guy into the bad guy, I’ll feel too pathetic. I don’t want to admit that I’m the one who got in the way of your relationship.”

Siwoo’s eyes grew wet, but he didn’t let the tears fall.

“So I’m just going to believe what I want to. He’s the bad guy. You’re the victim. That’s how I’ll hold on.”

After Siwoo finished speaking, Yeonho closed his eyes, let out a sigh, and replied in a dry voice.

“There’s nothing I can say to you right now.”

“…”

“I can’t say anything at all.”

Siwoo, feeling a little calmer, nodded, planted a foot on the ground, and stood up. Then he made a decision about the situation entirely on his own.

“Okay. I’ll just believe that you have your reasons for not telling me. As long as you don’t leave me and choose him instead, that’s enough.”

Letting go of Yeonho’s wrist, Siwoo called his parents and told them he wouldn’t be coming home for a while.

Yeonho, staggering on tired legs, held his phone and checked the new message waiting in his messenger app.

My beloved Yeonho♡ I’ll give you one week! Figure it out by then~

***

It felt like his arms and legs had all been ripped off and his heart had melted and was dripping down to his feet. His pride had been trampled. But there was no time to restore it. In this relationship, the one who was already losing from the start was Kim Siwoo, himself.

He just had to hold on. As long as he didn’t let go, he could endure it. If Yeonho tried to run, he could bring him back. If he screamed to be let go, he could be tied down. He’d just take on the role of the villain who interferes with someone else’s desperate love. If he refused that role, he would lose Yeonho. So no matter how much Yeonho tried to push him away, he’d keep getting in their way.

It made him angry, but it wasn’t something to cry over. Not yet. Because he hadn’t lost Yeonho yet, it was still okay.

For five days, he didn’t go home or to school. He spent the whole time having sex with Yeonho, cooking meals together like before. While doing the dishes, when Yeonho hugged him from behind, Siwoo caressed his hands and turned to kiss him. They got in the warm bath together and touched each other’s bodies as time passed.

Spending all 24 hours of the day together, Yeonho’s sleep patterns returned to normal. It was as if nothing had ever happened. They passed the time like they were still in love.

Even though Siwoo knew that only Yeonho’s shell remained in his arms, every day felt like heaven. And the more time passed like that, the more absurdly he found himself wanting to be loved again.

On the morning of the sixth day, while changing out of his pajamas in front of the full-length mirror, Siwoo stared blankly at his bruised, battered body and murmured to himself.

“…Please, love me…”

Why couldn’t it be him? Why couldn’t he be the one to receive Yeonho’s love?

Even if Yeonho had harbored feelings for Seong Junhee for a long time, Siwoo didn’t believe there hadn’t been any moment where he truly loved him. There had been too many moments that couldn’t have been lies. That’s why he wanted to be loved again. Maybe, if he tried hard enough, it would work.

From the beginning, he’d shown Yeonho the worst of himself, so there was no point in trying to be impressive or flashy. Only one option remained.

That day, Siwoo deliberately went back to his family home. He hadn’t given any proper explanation and had stayed out for six days. He’d ignored all calls and texts from his parents. He knew exactly what would happen the moment he stepped inside.

Yeonho stepped onto the scale. His weight, which had dropped sharply since November, had come back up after just a few days with Siwoo. He was sleeping well again, and every second they spent together felt precious.

But when he woke up today, Siwoo was gone. With so little time left, he wanted to spend every possible moment with him.

It was time to let go of his greed and release what he was holding. The future he’d dreamed of with Siwoo had already unraveled far too quickly. Tonight, he had to tell him. That it was time for them to part, that he was sorry for breaking his promise.

That one thing, the thing he would never be able to say to Siwoo, he would take with him to the grave.

Like a loyal pet waiting for its owner to come home, he sat endlessly by the front door. Then, at last, familiar footsteps sounded beyond the door. The weight of each step, the rhythm, even the pace, Yeonho loved it all.

The door opened, and Siwoo appeared before his eyes. Yeonho greeted him with a wide smile.

“You left without saying a word.”

“Sorry. I had some errands to run.”

The weather had turned cold, and Siwoo’s hands were icy. Yeonho took them and pressed them to his chest to warm them. Siwoo smiled like he always did. Yeonho, loving the moment, gently stroked the back of his hand and smiled along with him.

He stepped close, took off Siwoo’s coat, and kissed him slowly, his ears, cheeks, then neck. Gradually kneeling down, he slid to the floor. He was going to kneel in front of Siwoo and take him into his mouth.

Siwoo didn’t resist. He just stroked Yeonho’s hair. Yeonho, standing him upright, unbuckled his belt and unzipped his pants. As he reached into the drawers to pull out his cock, he noticed something. Siwoo’s sweater was stained red at the hem.

“Hyung, what’s this?”

Yeonho looked up in alarm. Siwoo smiled with an unreadable expression. In a panic, Yeonho lifted his sweater. No way. No way. It can’t be… But the sinking feeling was right.

There was a gash across Siwoo’s stomach, as if cut with something sharp. His chest was bruised, like he’d been hit with a blunt object. Tears streamed from Yeonho’s eyes.

“Was it your dad?”

Siwoo only smiled, as if it was nothing. Yeonho frantically undid Siwoo’s watch. He prayed. Please, not that. Please, not that. Please don’t let it be that he hurt himself…

“Aaagh…!”

Yeonho screamed and collapsed to the floor. Another red, vivid line had appeared on Siwoo’s wrist. Watching Yeonho sob in choking gasps, Siwoo felt overwhelming joy. He couldn’t hide his smile at seeing Yeonho respond to him so genuinely.

Would Yeonho understand this desperate desire to be loved, even like this? Pity and sympathy could turn into love. So please, just feel sorry for me, and love me again like you used to.

Slowly, he knelt and sat in front of Yeonho. Then he curled up small and buried himself in his arms. Yeonho, as if he couldn’t bear to hurt him, held him tightly. Siwoo whimpered like a child, begging to be loved.

“Yeonho-ya, it hurts…”

“Let’s go to the hospital… right now…”

Rubbing his cheek into Yeonho’s chest, Siwoo looked up at him with soft eyes and said,

“Just think of me as a stray you picked up.”

“…”

“If someone takes in an injured stray and then throws it away, they’re not even human. Right?”

Don’t abandon me. Don’t throw me away. Don’t choose him… That was all Siwoo kept repeating in Yeonho’s arms.

***

After a short two-night, three-day trip, Yeonho was bedridden for more than five days. He couldn’t even take a single step outside.

He didn’t go to his scheduled psychiatric appointment, nor did he visit the hospital for his fever and aches.

In his constant cycle of dipping in and out of consciousness, he didn’t want anyone interfering. To keep the outside world from breaching his space, he turned off his phone and locked his door so no one could enter.

Of course, he didn’t take any medication. Though his condition bordered on fainting, he never fully lost consciousness, just floated in a hazy, semi-awake state.

The time he spent with Siwoo at the resort began to feel like a dream. The sleeping pills he’d gotten from his second brother, Seong Junyoung, kept him drifting on the edge of reality and dreams.

Every time he slipped into a light sleep, the dead Seong Junhee appeared in his dreams. Just like he remembered, gentle and affectionate, he would say,

“Yeonho-ya, I love you. My precious, beautiful Yeonho. You love me as much as I love you, right?”

Yeonho would tear himself from his warm embrace and run, shouting back,

“Not me… The person I love isn’t you…”

And just before he could say someone’s name, he would wake up drenched in cold sweat.

Who had he been about to say he loved instead of his hyung? His mother? His father? Junyoung? And if not a family member… then who?