F44

For Yeonho, it was hard to follow the flow of the conversation. There was no reason for him to deny his love for his eldest brother while emphasizing love for other family members.

He had fallen asleep and woken up so many times that he could no longer tell what was reality and what was a dream. The sun rising outside the window, that was probably real. He closed his eyes again, one more time. He couldn’t lie in bed forever. He wanted to see the end of the dream and finally wake up from this long, long nightmare.

At the end of that dream, it was Siwoo who appeared. In the dark night, standing in a field of white snow, Kim Siwoo, and his eldest brother, Seong Junhee.

The older brother who had raised him since childhood, and the person who had killed him, stood together. Naturally, Yeonho had to protect his brother from Kim Siwoo. He had to prevent the tragedy that was about to unfold between them, to keep Siwoo from taking away the person who was like a parent to him. He threw himself between them to shield his brother with his whole body.

…But which one was he protecting?

“Aagh!”

He screamed and woke up, gasping for breath.

“Haah… haah…”

His arms and legs were trembling. The moment the nightmare ended, he finally came face-to-face with the question he’d avoided for the past five years.

Why don’t I love my brother ?

He had left only good memories. Even if Yeonho had a real older brother, he couldn’t imagine being treated any better. That was probably why he’d loved him the most among all his family.

It wasn’t easy to find the reason that love had become past tense. So, for a long time, Yeonho simply labeled himself a psychopath and lived that way. But he couldn’t keep running with that excuse forever. It was time to uncover the reason that didn’t sit right in his heart.

Maybe the answer lay in the one year that had vanished from his memory. And in that one year… was Kim Siwoo.

***

Someone was following him. From the moment he left home to the moment he arrived at the hospital, a car had been trailing him the entire way.

Yeonho naturally assumed the stalker was Kim Siwoo. He didn’t recognize the make of the car, but knowing Siwoo, it wouldn’t be surprising if he owned several.

Even after finishing his appointment and coming out of the pharmacy with his prescription, the car was still waiting for him.

“Hmm…”

Was there a way to lure Kim Siwoo out of the car? No real reason, he just wanted to see that handsome face again after so long.

After a brief moment of thought, Yeonho tapped into every ounce of his artistic potential. Placing a hand on his forehead, he stumbled dramatically. He didn’t want to collapse on the sidewalk, so he dragged his feet weakly toward a nearby park.

He sat down on a bench with a gasp, like someone truly unwell, and mimed swallowing the pills without water. Then, with a soft sigh, he let his body slump over the bench, pitifully.

To be fair, his body was in pretty bad shape, so the performance wasn’t a total lie. It was less acting and more exaggerated movement. He closed his eyes and pretended to exhale weakly, letting his hand fall limply.

Soon, the sound of footsteps approached, and a shadow fell over him. The scent that reached his nose told him everything, his stalker had finally shown himself. Yeonho curled his lips slightly to stifle a smile.

He figured a lot of his brain cells had been destroyed over the years, but thankfully, his mind was still sharp when it counted.

Realizing that Siwoo still cared about him brought Yeonho a twisted comfort. Even though he had no idea what Siwoo might do to him next, that feeling remained.

No matter how this ends, I don’t care. Just more, more, please, keep obsessing over me. Watch my life from the shadows. Make me your prey.

As the shadow over his face shifted, Yeonho sensed that Siwoo was reaching toward him. But just then, his phone rang loudly, shattering the moment. Yeonho didn’t budge, but inwardly, he cursed. It was probably Seong Junyoung, he always called right on schedule after a hospital visit.

Siwoo took the phone from Yeonho’s pocket and ended the call without hesitation. Then he sat beside him and placed Yeonho’s head gently on his thigh.

He pressed the back of his hand to Yeonho’s forehead to check for a fever, took his wrist to feel his pulse, leaned close to check his breath, and finally placed a hand just below his collarbone to feel his chest rise and fall, just like someone who knew Yeonho’s body all too well.

“You’re pretty good at pretending to sleep. If it weren’t for your breathing, I might’ve been fooled.”

Busted. Heat rushed to his face and his ears turned red. He’s the one stalking me, Yeonho thought, so why is he so confident, and why am I the one embarrassed?

To salvage the situation, Yeonho once again summoned every ounce of his artistic energy. Like someone suffering from a side effect of sleeping pills, he suddenly opened his eyes wide.

And once his eyes were open, he made sure his face remained blank. No surprise, no longing, no emotion at all, he just stared straight at Siwoo. He prayed his acting would be enough to fool him.

They stayed like that for a while, silently looking at each other.

“…”

“…”

Siwoo, scanning every detail of Yeonho’s pale face, eventually let out a soft, helpless laugh as if he could no longer hold it in. Now that he had an excuse to speak, Yeonho took the chance immediately.

“Why are you laughing?”

“Just… looking at your face makes me laugh. You look so funny and strange.”

Being insulted again for his appearance by Siwoo, Yeonho felt deeply wounded and covered his dejected face with both hands. Siwoo grabbed his wrist and tried to pull his hands away.

“Why are you covering it? Don’t. I want to laugh more.”

“Uunngh…”

Yeonho whined without meaning to, shaking Siwoo off. He suddenly felt like a child about to cry. His confidence plummeted, and he genuinely thought he might as well die.

But that didn’t mean he wanted to give up the lap pillow. That was that, and this was this. Not wanting to waste the moment with his eyes closed, he peeked through parted fingers to steal glances at Siwoo’s face.

Just then, Junyoung called again. This time, Siwoo allowed Yeonho to take the call. But only after accepting it himself and turning on the speakerphone, holding it near Yeonho’s mouth so he could listen in.

Yeonho didn’t try to stop him. There was nothing to hide in a call with Junyoung.

[Did you get the shot?]

“I got the shot and the meds too. I’m fine now.”

[You did well, baby. Hyung will buy you something delicious.]

“Baby, my ass. I’m hanging up.”

By now, even Siwoo didn’t flinch at things like this. He looked down at Yeonho with a calm expression. He thought it was truly shameless and impressive of him to have kissed his little brother in front of Siwoo, then go on to take a speakerphone call with him like it was nothing.

Yeonho took the phone from Siwoo’s hand and hung up. Then he quickly checked his messages. Over the five days he’d been bedridden, he’d received 1,253 messages.

Since college, Yeonho had become more reserved and didn’t keep many close relationships like he had in childhood. But even just existing quietly, people found ways to get his number and check on him. He had no idea why. It was one of the reasons he’d begun to suspect that the entire world was conspiring against him.

He set the phone down on his stomach and covered his face with both hands again.

Siwoo caught a glimpse of the bright red “1253” notification bubble and gently stroked Yeonho’s head. His voice, soft, followed.

“Ju Yeonho-ssi, I hope you become unhappy.”

“I see.”

Yeonho responded as if he’d expected it all along. He hadn’t thought Siwoo would say it out loud, but he wasn’t surprised. In fact, he was glad to hear it said so clearly.

Siwoo pulled Yeonho’s hands away from his face and gave a faint smile.

“That’s not the reaction I wanted. Most people don’t react like this.”

“I’m just curious about you, Kim Siwoo-ssi. What kind of heart lets someone hate me that much, and still offer me a lap pillow?”

Siwoo brushed Yeonho’s messy hair back with his fingers and continued.

“There was someone once who seemed genuinely happy when I was miserable. They smiled so brightly when they saw me in pain.”

“What a cruel person.”

“But I get it. I’ve thought the same thing, too. That I hoped something terrible would happen to them, that they’d end up lonely and pitiful like me.”

“You’re cruel too, Kim Siwoo-ssi. You two would get along great.”

“When I look at you, Ju Yeonho-ssi, I feel the same. I think I’d be happy if you were miserable. If you had no one to lean on, if the person you love left your side… hmm, and then I…”

He trailed off, smiling to himself instead of finishing the sentence. Strangely, Yeonho didn’t find the curse unpleasant. He answered slowly.

“You say even cruel things with such kindness, Kim Siwoo-ssi.”

“And I hate that you say you like me, Ju Yeonho-ssi.”

Somehow, when those words, “I hate you”. came from Siwoo’s mouth. They sounded sweet. He was someone who could make “I hate you” sound exactly like “I love you.”