F49

Yeonho dazedly shook his head.

“I don’t have any. I’ve never needed it.”

Of course, he didn’t own anything like that. Siwoo looked uncomfortable at Yeonho’s innocent expression. He hadn’t brought any lube or condoms tonight, fully intending to be rough with him.

He had definitely planned to push in mercilessly, whether Yeonho was in pain or not. But before he knew it, he found himself rummaging through Yeonho’s collection of skincare products, completely disarmed by that naive face.

Eventually, Siwoo found a bottle of massage gel. After confirming it could double as lube, he shook his head as he looked at Yeonho.

“Joo Yeonho, you’re really unbelievable. Still pretending to be innocent, even now.”

“Look who’s talking. Who would believe you stayed celibate while studying abroad?”

Yeonho gave Siwoo’s forearm a light punch as he opened the cap on the massage gel.

Siwoo didn’t bother defending himself from Yeonho’s doubts. Instead, he lifted Yeonho onto his thigh. As their chests touched, Yeonho’s breathing grew ragged. His heart pounded so violently it felt like it might burst from his chest. Siwoo half expected it to leap right into his own.

Yeonho couldn’t quite bring himself to hug Siwoo, so he awkwardly rested both hands on his shoulders. Siwoo said,

“Hug me.”

At his words, Yeonho carefully wrapped his arms around Siwoo’s neck and buried his face in his shoulder. Siwoo squeezed the cold gel into his palm and rubbed his fists together to warm it. When he slipped his hand between Yeonho’s cheeks and spread the gel along the entrance, Yeonho jerked like he’d been burned. Siwoo thought his reaction was just like someone having sex for the first time.

When he pushed in three fingers at once, Yeonho whimpered in pain. The tightness was almost enough to snap his knuckles, so Siwoo had to pull one finger out.

“Tight just like the first time we did it.”

“I told you, I haven’t been with anyone else since. You can tell just by feeling it.”

“Guess you were born with it, then. I’ll check again in two weeks. Let’s see how tight you are by then.”

With that, Siwoo casually announced their next encounter and curled his fingers, scraping the inner wall ever so slightly. Yeonho gasped sharply, biting Siwoo’s shoulder before he could stop himself. Siwoo let him bite, let him claw at his back with his nails, and didn’t stop him.

When Siwoo added another finger, cold sweat began to bead on Yeonho’s skin. Every physical reaction matched exactly with how he had responded their first time together. Siwoo almost believed it, maybe Yeonho really hadn’t been with anyone else.

Once the fear and pain of penetration began to fade, Yeonho no longer held back. He moaned directly into Siwoo’s ear, aroused by the feeling of those thick fingers working inside him. What Yeonho wanted now, more than anything, was for Siwoo to kiss him. It didn’t have to be on the lips. His cheek, his neck, his chest, anywhere would do.

Even if not now, if they had ever loved each other once – just once – couldn’t Siwoo hold him like he did the day he found him collapsed on the stairs, tuck him in, and kiss his forehead or his cheek?

Should he ask, just this once? Or should he work up the courage to take the first step and place his lips on Siwoo himself?

He wriggled his toes in hesitation, still debating, when Siwoo’s fingers slipped out. Then came his voice, cold and dry, so much so that Yeonho couldn’t possibly make such a request now.

“If you don’t want to do it without a condom, we’ll stop.”

“…No, it’s okay.”

Yeonho’s voice was barely a whisper, small and defeated. Siwoo positioned his tip at Yeonho’s entrance but, seeing the dejected look on his face and hearing the weak voice, couldn’t bring himself to push in.

“Say what you really want. Don’t act like I’m forcing you.”

“It’s not about the condom. That doesn’t matter.”

Just as Siwoo had asked, Yeonho gave an honest answer, but his lower lip jutted out. His eyes were full of hurt. Siwoo let out another quiet sigh.

He had come here intending to torment Yeonho. To show him, who thought of Siwoo as just a pretty toy, how cruel and painful sex could be. But once again, he found himself falling into Yeonho’s pace.

Wearing a forced smile, Siwoo looked at Yeonho’s trembling lips and asked gently,

“Then what’s the problem?”

That softened voice and gaze gave Yeonho the tiniest bit of courage. He lightly stroked Siwoo’s forearm with his fingertips and murmured shyly,

“I just… thought maybe we could kiss first.”

“Oh, a kiss. You really like kissing, huh.”

Recalling the image of Yeonho kissing Seong Junyoung, Siwoo clenched his jaw with a murderous smile, eyes full of restrained rage. But of course, Yeonho had no idea what he was thinking. His face lit up with a bright, innocent smile.

“Well, isn’t that how you’re supposed to start? If it’s too awkward to kiss me while looking at my face, then just turn off the lights.”

“You just go around kissing everybody, don’t you? Might as well kiss the whole country.”

Siwoo could mock him all he wanted. Yeonho simply clasped his hands at his chest, closed his eyes, and stuck his lips out. Siwoo clenched his fists tightly. He had been deliberately holding back, refusing to kiss Yeonho. Kissing was his final shred of pride. What he had wanted to give Yeonho tonight through sex wasn’t affection or pleasure, but brutality, revenge…

Smack. Still clenching his fist, he brushed his lips lightly against Yeonho’s and pulled back. Yeonho’s ears turned bright red in an instant. It was so endearing that Siwoo, almost hypnotized, placed a kiss on his ear too. Then his forehead flushed. So Siwoo moved to his forehead. Then his cheeks turned pink.

As Siwoo left kisses on both his cheeks, Yeonho, now feeling slightly more confident, tightly gripped Siwoo’s arm, closed his eyes tight, and shyly pressed a kiss to Siwoo’s cheek. Then, as if embarrassed, he buried his face in Siwoo’s shoulder, breathing fast and shallow. Siwoo let out a low sigh.

“…Haa.”

This wasn’t how it was supposed to go. What the hell am I doing right now? Nothing had gone according to plan. Siwoo stared up at the ceiling, squeezing Yeonho’s hips in his hands. Then Yeonho fumbled for his phone and, holding it out to Siwoo, asked hesitantly,

“I’ll lie down, so… if you’re okay with it, could you film it? When you put it in me. I don’t mind if my face shows.”

Siwoo refused that request immediately. No matter how much he indulged Yeonho, there were certain things he could never allow.

“We’re not filming this. I know you’re obsessed with recording things, but don’t go as far as filming your body. You never know what might happen down the line.”

Yeonho met his eyes and replied slowly, calmly.

“That’s not it… It’s just that you can see us becoming one, but I can’t. That’s not fair.”

“…”

“You always got to see, didn’t you?”

He asked softly, like it was a small accusation, then smiled with his eyes crinkled. For a moment, something inside Siwoo gave way. He pulled Yeonho’s head into his chest and gently stroked the back of it, murmuring,

“Yeah. I saw everything alone. I didn’t realize… that you wanted to see it too, Joo Yeonho.”

When Yeonho climbed on top and rode him facing away, Siwoo could watch his own cock sliding in and out of Yeonho’s body, over and over again, in vivid detail. Feeling that they were physically connected, and seeing it with his own eyes, nothing had ever felt more intense, more overwhelming.

Yeonho had often touched that spot, where their bodies joined. Now Siwoo finally understood: all those lingering caresses were his way of trying to feel that connection too.

It stung. There had been so many moments when their hearts must have been in sync. And it felt like they could be again. But it was painful to think that maybe all this tenderness was just something he’d made up in his own mind.

Siwoo gently took the phone from Yeonho’s hand and set it aside. Then he turned himself toward the full-length mirror and repositioned Yeonho facing the opposite way. The reflection showed them nestled together like two overlapping spoons.

With his legs spread wide, Yeonho saw his twisted, contorted expression in the mirror and covered his face with both hands. For a moment, he’d forgotten, but now he remembered how hideous he looked. It was hard to believe someone who supposedly loved him could look at him and still want him. And once again, what Yeonho wanted to ask more than anything was: Why did Siwoo love me?

In the mirror, he could see Siwoo’s cock slowly sliding into his body. Tears welled up in Yeonho’s eyes as he stared at the sight of them being joined together, and he asked softly,

“…Why would you love someone like me?”

“I never said I loved you. I said we fucked.”

The pain felt like he was being split in two, but Yeonho kept his eyes glued to the mirror, watching as Siwoo pushed deeper inside. Then, with the hand that had been covering his face, he gently touched Siwoo’s cheek and murmured to himself,

“That’s a lie. You only hate me this much because you loved me.”

“…”

“You must’ve loved me a lot. That’s why, even while hating me, you’re still so gentle. Why you can’t stay cruel all the way to the end.”

Siwoo pulled him tightly into his arms and bowed his head low, saying nothing. The long-forgotten warmth of Yeonho’s inner walls overwhelmed his senses like a blackout.

He had waited so long to be inside Yeonho again. He gripped him tighter, like he never wanted to let go, and finally answered in a low voice:

“…Why did I love you? Because I couldn’t help it.”

Then he pushed all the way in, deep to the root. The sudden, intense pressure made Yeonho moan, his body folding forward as though his organs were being pushed aside.

“Hnnngh…”

Siwoo anchored Yeonho in place with his arms and the cock buried deep between his legs, locking him down completely. Then, with their eyes meeting in the mirror, long past the point of restraint or reason, he released his instincts into Yeonho’s body.

They’d had sex countless times before, but this was different. He had never been this aroused the moment he entered, not without a single thrust. He had no intention of holding back.

Yeonho gasped, stunned by the sudden heat in his belly. He reached down to touch where they were joined and felt a clear liquid trickling out. His fingers were soaked with the warm, slippery fluid dripping from the tight space between them.

Siwoo, after everything he’d done to him, stared boldly at Yeonho’s reflection in the mirror, completely unrepentant.

“Feels better than I expected. So you’ve been enjoying all this by yourself all this time, huh?”

“Haa… ha.”

Yeonho let out a breathy laugh at the unexpected words. Then he leaned back completely, resting the back of his head against Siwoo’s solid shoulder. Smiling faintly, he rubbed his belly with one hand and reached up with his wet fingers to trace Siwoo’s face.

“…You still love me.”