F63

Siwoo had nothing to say in response. He’d only come running like a fool because he loved Joo Yeonho too much again. Instead of worrying about how many sleeping pills Yeonho was getting from Seong Junyeong, he should’ve been looking for leverage. He couldn’t understand why he kept trying to take care of him. With a cold expression, he turned away and muttered under his breath.

“Worried for no reason.”

Seeing Siwoo rush over just for him lifted Yeonho’s spirits. With both hands tucked into the pockets of his padded jacket, he shyly followed behind and asked in a quiet voice,

“Hyung, when you first met me, why did you go along with everything I wanted?”

It was a question Yeonho in the past had never wondered about. Back then, it hadn’t seemed strange at all that Siwoo liked him. If anything, what had surprised him was that Siwoo hadn’t confessed to him. Looking back, he couldn’t understand where that confidence had come from. He didn’t even know how he’d managed to catch Siwoo’s attention.

Siwoo, walking quickly as if to shake him off, answered,

“Try thinking of it like you were me.”

He hoped Yeonho would interpret that however he liked. He didn’t want to explain. Yeonho caught up with faster steps and stood beside him, lightly tugging on his collar and sneaking glances at his face. When he caught sight of Siwoo’s icy expression, he mumbled with a timid voice,

“I just thought… someone who looks like me wouldn’t be easy to like.”

“I guess I had just as much confidence back then. Not anymore. You’ve burned it all away.”

“So even though I look like a freak, you were confident you could love me anyway?”

Siwoo froze at Yeonho’s baffling reply. He looked down at him with suspicion, unsure if he’d heard correctly.

“…What kind of act is this now?”

“Act?”

“Are you testing me? Trying to confirm I still love you, so you can laugh at me for being a fool?”

“Huh?”

Yeonho’s eyes widened. Siwoo couldn’t stand that Yeonho had once again taken the upper hand in their relationship. Glaring at that beautiful face with resentment, he walked ahead again, grumbling to himself.

“A freak, huh. Seriously. Say something that makes sense. Yeah, even if you were a freak, I’d probably still have loved you. Honestly, it might’ve been better if your eyes, nose, and mouth were stuck on all the wrong places. Then at least you’d only be able to like me.”

He hadn’t meant to say that part out loud. He’d only meant to think it, but it slipped out by accident.

But Yeonho, who thought of himself as “a freak with his eyes, nose, and mouth in the wrong places,” didn’t take Siwoo’s words to heart. He thought it was just something Siwoo said to be nice. He half-hid his face in the padded jacket and continued softly.

“To be honest, I don’t match with you at all. I used to think we looked good together. I guess I was spoiled and coddled too much growing up. I know better now.”

“You come up with a new personality every time. There are so many, I can’t keep up.”

“It’s not a personality.”

They reached the apartment and got into the elevator together. Yeonho pressed the button for the third floor. Siwoo touched Yeonho’s forehead with his back of his hand and confirmed he had a fever, but didn’t press anything himself. While standing there, Yeonho looked at the mirror on the elevator wall with an insecure gaze and said,

“I can’t look in the mirror when I’m standing next to you. You’re so beautiful… and I’m not.”

He blinked slowly, looking downcast. Siwoo couldn’t tell which of Yeonho’s words or actions were sincere and which were not. What is he trying to get across now? Does he want to seem pitiful?

The elevator doors opened. They got out, and Siwoo naturally opened the door to 315.

“You’re coming down with a cold, so I’ll stay a bit before I leave. If you catch one, it’ll be my fault.”

He set down Yeonho’s slippers by the entrance. Yeonho, seeing how clean the place was, looked at him with touched eyes. Siwoo ignored that look and handed him a pen and paper.

“Draw your face here.”

“I don’t want to. It’s embarrassing.”

Yeonho shook his head. Siwoo’s thoughts started to tangle. He couldn’t tell anymore what Yeonho was really feeling and what wasn’t real.

While Yeonho showered, Siwoo gathered up all the sleeping pills he had found while cleaning earlier and took them back to his own place. From now on, whether he had the right or not, he would be interfering in Yeonho’s overuse of sleeping pills. And he had no intention of letting Seong Junyeong off easy either.

After his shower, Yeonho lay down on the bed after taking the fever reducer Siwoo had bought during their last encounter, along with the headache medicine he’d just picked up.

Siwoo placed a cold towel on Yeonho’s burning forehead to help bring his fever down. If things didn’t improve soon, he was ready to take him to the hospital. But before long, Yeonho dozed off peacefully under his touch.

Siwoo’s gaze drifted to Yeonho’s bright red toes. A mild case of frostbite, maybe, if left alone, it would probably swell. After confirming that Yeonho was fast asleep, he knelt at the foot of the bed and began to gently warm those soft, callus-free feet with his hands.

He stared tenderly at Yeonho’s reddened toes before carefully pressing his lips to them. At that moment, Yeonho’s toes twitched.

Siwoo looked up. He locked eyes with Yeonho, who had lifted his head just slightly and was watching him. Siwoo froze, lips still pressed against his toes. His eyes darted left and right in panic. Yeonho, who had woken from the ticklish sensation, spoke with an awkward smile.

“Hyung, that’s my foot.”

“…I know.”

“So you do. I thought maybe you mistook it for your hand or something.”

Then Yeonho’s other foot slowly crept over and began to gently nudge Siwoo’s cheek. Feeling pleased, Yeonho mumbled softly.

“Seriously… why do you like me this much…”

He looked so cheeky that Siwoo let out a sigh, then bit down hard on Yeonho’s toes.

“Haha, that tickles.”

Yeonho burst into giggles. Once again, Siwoo had ended up loving Yeonho with all his heart between one breath and the next, completely against his plan. With his pride in shambles, he was about to leave when Yeonho grabbed him.

“But hyung, there’s something I want to ask.”

Siwoo stopped just as he was leaving the room and turned around. Yeonho sat up, took a breath, and got ready to ask. When he had first heard about Siwoo’s time in America, he hadn’t been all that curious whether it was true or not. But now he needed to know. He couldn’t just let it slide.

“People who said they knew you in the States… they said you were known for sleeping around, with both men and women.”

“Oh, you heard that rumor?”

When Siwoo had first arrived in the United States, he had believed that surviving meant building a completely different image from the one he had in Korea. Since he had fled after causing trouble, it was actually better to come across as a problem child.

If he didn’t, he felt like he’d be crushed by someone one day without being able to lift his head. He had even rebelled furiously against his uncle who monitored him there, and against his father who visited periodically.

So he had wanted to look reckless. He had done what he could to make those rumors spread. But in reality, he had never slept with anyone. He had no desire to. He never felt any excitement from anyone who wasn’t Yeonho.

Yeonho continued, looking anxious.

“You said before that it had to be me. That no one else worked for you. So which is true? What you said to me, or what those people say?”

Siwoo smiled faintly and stepped closer. He leaned in until his face was right next to Yeonho’s and asked,

“What do you think is true?”

Before regaining his memories, Yeonho hadn’t believed Siwoo’s claim that he had never been with anyone else. But now, the memories of when they had been lovers had returned. His feelings from back then were still fully intact inside him, unchanged.

“Don’t do with anyone else what you did with me.”

That was the last memory Yeonho had recovered earlier in his sleep after work. To him, that conversation with Siwoo felt like it had happened today. That moment when they had held each other and promised forever, it led straight to now. So there was no way he could accept the idea of Siwoo being with someone else. He forced a smile and shook his head.

“You didn’t sleep with anyone else. Not the hyung I know.”

At that, a mischievous look appeared in Siwoo’s eyes. He suddenly wanted to tease Yeonho a little. He pulled him gently into his arms and whispered in a sweet voice.

“You’re not really going to tell me I’m the not allowed to do that, after how you treated me, are you?”

“Hyung, please.”

Yeonho clung to Siwoo’s arm and spoke in a strained voice. Looking into Yeonho’s tear-filled eyes, Siwoo thought to himself. What kind of story would hurt him more? That I had sex with lots of people? Or that I stayed with one person for a long time?

“Everything you heard is a lie. Do you really think I’d sleep around with anyone, men or women? Of course not. That’s disgusting.”

Yeonho let out a huge sigh of relief and smiled brightly.

“I knew it. Of course you wouldn’t. You’re too clean about things like that.”

Siwoo nodded and gently stroked Yeonho’s cheek as he continued.

“Not with many people. Just one. While I was in the States, just one person. For four years.”

At that lie, Yeonho’s face went completely pale.

“….There was really someone like that?”

“What if I woke that person up every morning with sex, just like I did with you? What if your personal toy found a new owner? Would that make you upset?”

Yeonho’s body shook as his breathing grew unsteady. The tears in his eyes spilled over one after another.

“You’re lying. You’re just trying to hurt me.”

“What if I showered with them? Kissed them? Just like I did with you…”

“Stop.”

Yeonho shouted as he broke into sobs. Siwoo gently stroked his head and spoke kindly.

“Yeonho. I told you two different things. One of them is true, and one is a lie. You’re confused, right? Now you know how I felt every time your story changed without warning. How confused and miserable I was.”

Still crying, Yeonho begged.

“What you just said is the lie, right? And that I was the only one, that’s the truth, right? Please?”

“Your fever’s down. I’m leaving now.”

Siwoo kissed Yeonho’s forehead softly and stood up.