F65

After Siwoo left, Yeonho, both physically and emotionally wrecked, stayed curled up in his blanket, staring blankly at the ceiling until night fell.

His head was filled with nothing but thoughts of Siwoo’s last four years. He could clearly picture how much mental and physical abuse Siwoo must have endured from his parents after causing Seong Junhee’s death. They must have treated him worse than an animal. Yeonho knew he wasn’t supposed to pity him, not as a member of the victim’s family. But still, he couldn’t stop worrying about the time Siwoo had to endure alone.

“How hard must it have been…”

Of course Siwoo would have needed someone to lean on in that situation. Maybe that’s why he met someone who could comfort him, and ended up spending four whole years with them.

Yeonho shut his eyes tightly, feeling as if his heart was being torn to shreds.

“But he came back to me because I’m better than that person… right?”

He figured it was hatred that had won out in the end. Maybe he had been hated so deeply that he remained burned into Siwoo’s mind. That thought, at least, let him patch up his heart a little.

He had no idea where their relationship had gone wrong. Tears streamed down without end. What had happened to the Kim Yeonho and Joo Yeonho who used to love and cherish each other so completely, who had dreamed of a perfect future?

The “thought factory” that had started running in Yeonho’s head showed no signs of stopping. It wouldn’t let him sleep. But he couldn’t take another sleeping pill, he’d already taken two earlier in the day.

Trying to clear his mind of Siwoo, he picked up his phone and began reading a novel titled Younger Boyfriend Has a Secret. He was trying to fall asleep, but instead of sleep, only more tears flowed.

“Why won’t the main character just talk about it instead of hiding everything…”

Sniffling as he wiped his tears, he finally crawled out of bed to search for more sleeping pills. But there weren’t any in their usual spot.

“Where did they go this time?”

He searched every corner of the apartment, but couldn’t find them. In the past, he would have blamed himself, fallen into guilt, convinced he had misplaced them. But not anymore. Now he could think more clearly than that.

Siwoo must have thrown them all away. He’d been worried about Yeonho’s use of them for a while.

“And it’s not like he’s the one putting me to sleep.”

He figured he could probably just go over and beg Siwoo to help him fall asleep, and Siwoo might give in. But something kept holding him back.

Because if he stayed with Siwoo, he would no doubt lose control again and act on the desire he felt for him. And the next day, he’d hate himself for having sex with someone who might have killed his brother. That was Siwoo’s mechanism for breaking him, after all.

So there was only one option left.

Yeonho stood up and called Seong Junyoung. He planned to ask him for sleeping pills. As he stepped outside and walked toward the elevator, he was on the phone with him.

“Hey, hyung. Is it okay if I come up to the tenth floor? Because…”

Something the size of a door suddenly blocked his path. It was Siwoo. He immediately snatched the phone from Yeonho and ended the call. Just as Yeonho blinked in surprise, Seong Junyoung’s name popped up again on the caller ID. Siwoo looked straight at him and said in a firm voice,

“Tell him you’re not coming.”

Then he answered the call and held the phone to Yeonho’s lips. Yeonho met his gaze and said to Seong Junyoung,

“No, hyung. Sorry. Not tonight. Let’s have lunch tomorrow or something. It’s been too long since I saw your face. Yeah, good night.”

Siwoo ended the call and handed the phone back. Still sulking, Yeonho glared at him and asked sharply,

“You took all my sleeping pills?”

“Yeah. Threw them out.”

“I have work tomorrow. If I can’t sleep at all, it’ll be hell. How do you plan to take responsibility for that?”

With both hands tucked into the pockets of his gray sweatpants, Siwoo asked calmly,

“Do you really have insomnia? You’re not taking those pills for some other reason? Just be honest.”

“Of course I take them for insomnia.”

“Then why do you sleep so well when you’re with me?”

“Because you’re you.”

Because you’re you. The uniqueness Yeonho placed on him, that’s what formed Siwoo’s entire world. That world, now shattered, made him want to rebuild it. He nodded slowly, allowing himself to believe in Yeonho one last time.

“I threw them away because I can take responsibility. You don’t need sleeping pills when you’re with me.”

Yeonho blinked rapidly, his eyes full of surprised hope. Hands pressed to his chest, he fiddled with his fingers, ears perked for what Siwoo would say next.

“Starting tonight, I’ll help you sleep every night. But there’s a condition.”

“What is it?”

Trying not to look too excited, Yeonho bit down on his smile and replied in the calmest, laziest voice he could muster. Siwoo said,

“From now on, you have to come to my place every night at eleven. If you miss even one day, I won’t put you to sleep anymore.”

Siwoo didn’t care whether Yeonho went to Seong Junyoung because he wanted to, or because he felt obligated. What mattered was stopping him from being with that man while drugged. He looked at Yeonho, who was rolling his eyes side to side, and spoke again to make sure the message got through.

“Got it? If you want to sleep, don’t go to the tenth floor. Come to the fourth. Say it. Which floor?”

“The fourth. 415.”

Yeonho pointed upward with his finger. Siwoo grabbed his wrist and pulled him close.

“Good. Don’t go to him. Come to me.”

It carried two meanings. Don’t go because it might be dangerous. And please, for once, choose me instead of him. He wasn’t going to lose him. Not this time.

As they walked down the hallway, Yeonho gently pulled his wrist free from Siwoo’s hand. Siwoo flinched. But then, in the very next moment, Yeonho took Siwoo’s hand in his own.

And in that brief instant, Siwoo’s heart plummeted to the floor… then returned to its place.

With a tangled heart, Yeonho followed Siwoo to 415. He lay down on Siwoo’s bed and tried to steady his breathing. He had been caught up perfectly in Siwoo’s trap, and now it was his turn to control his own desires. As long as he didn’t sleep with Siwoo and simply fell asleep quietly, he wouldn’t be tormented by guilt.

To be clear, he had only come because the person who stole his sleeping pills without permission promised to help him sleep. He wasn’t here to have sex with someone who might be the hidden enemy responsible for his family’s death.

Siwoo had laid out a blanket on the floor beside the bed. Seeing him intentionally creating distance between them, Yeonho asked,

“When are you going to give me a straight answer?”

“About what.”

“Whether you killed my big brother or not, and whether there was someone else besides me. I’m confused and overwhelmed. Mentally I’m exhausted.”

“Yeonho, it hasn’t even been a day for you. It’s been five years for me. Even today, I kept thinking about why you called your own face monstrous. You used to be so confident. What made you say something like that?”

“Because I realized too late that I looked like a monster…”

At Yeonho’s answer, Siwoo looked down at him with a weary expression. They locked eyes for a moment in silence. Then Siwoo turned off the light and lay down on the floor.

“When the things you said that confused me become clearer, I’ll give you a clear answer too.”

Yeonho couldn’t say anything more. He was afraid that if he pushed Siwoo further, he would get too worn out and give up on their relationship entirely. He tried to fall asleep, but his mind only got louder. Being in the same space with Siwoo wasn’t enough to make him sleep.

Thirty minutes passed, and still unable to sleep, Yeonho climbed down from the bed and lay beside Siwoo on the floor. He curled up and pressed close against his arm.

He didn’t say a word asking to be held, or kissed, or touched. He held all of that back. He felt like that was the only human thing to do.

But Siwoo couldn’t fall asleep either. With Yeonho’s breath brushing against his arm, how could he possibly rest? As expected, Siwoo’s body responded to Yeonho’s presence. And Yeonho, pressed close to him, was also aroused.

The air in the room was thick with their heavy breaths. Eventually, Siwoo, feeling the heat of Yeonho’s body, asked quietly,

“Do you want to sleep with me?”

Yeonho didn’t answer. He just let out a sigh. In the dim light, Siwoo stared at Yeonho’s conflicted face, lost in thought.

Earlier, when Yeonho, who didn’t remember “that day,” had asked if he had killed his brother, Siwoo had responded sharply, almost instinctively. But now, seeing how much Yeonho was struggling with it, he felt the need to give a clear answer, at least about that one thing.

He needed a moment to decide what to say. He knew the answer Yeonho wanted most was “it was an accident, just a random collision.” But that would be too obvious a lie. He didn’t want to say something that dishonest.

“Yeonho. What I can say for sure is that that day, I wanted to kill Seong Junhee. Whether it was on purpose or an accident doesn’t matter. What matters is that I had that intention in that moment. So there’s no need to draw a line between murder and accident. I killed him.”

That was the conclusion Siwoo had reached after being torn by mixed emotions all day. Yeonho could simply live knowing that. From now on, he would never bring up that day again. So Yeonho didn’t need to remember it either.

All Yeonho could do in response was groan in pain. He looked up at Siwoo with tearful, resentful eyes.

But even then, his body, still aroused because of Siwoo, wouldn’t calm down. He wanted to give up on being decent and just cling to him. That was all he could think of doing now.

At that moment, Siwoo reached out and touched between Yeonho’s legs, then asked,

“Even so, do you still want to sleep with me?”

Yeonho couldn’t say yes. He couldn’t say no either. Siwoo took the silence as his answer, pushed Yeonho onto his back, climbed on top of him, and spoke quietly.

“Then let’s say I’m forcing myself on you. Say the last time too, I just raped you. That way, it’ll be easier for you.”

“Hyung…”

“Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just blame me.”

Siwoo’s lips sank into the heat of Yeonho’s neck. Yeonho wrapped his arms around Siwoo’s body and stared up at the ceiling, blinking fast.

Don’t feel guilty. You didn’t do anything wrong. Just blame me.

“Hyung, have you ever said that to me before? Those exact words?”

Why did it feel like he had heard them before? Was it a voice buried in the part of his memory he hadn’t regained yet?

But Siwoo shook his head and answered,

“No, I haven’t. You must be remembering wrong.”