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But even with all his desperate pleading, there was no change in Siwoo’s expression. Yeonho couldn’t read his thoughts at all. His calm, almost eerily composed voice only made Yeonho more afraid.

“Yeonho. Why don’t you go upstairs to my place for now? I want to talk with your brother.”

“What… what are you two going to talk about? Huh? The two of you? Huh?”

Yeonho, panicking, began biting his fingernails. What would they say to each other when he wasn’t there? Were they going to plan how to punish him for playing them both?

“Don’t worry about things that don’t concern you. Just go on up.”

There was still a trace of warmth in Siwoo’s voice, and Yeonho clung to that thread of hope. He looked up at Siwoo and begged one more time.

“The one standing in front of you right now is the real me. The me in those videos isn’t me.”

He knew it must be confusing and hard to believe, but please, just believe in my love. The only person I love is you. Even when I couldn’t remember you, I never gave my body or heart to anyone else. So please, don’t hate me any more than you already do.

Yeonho clung to him and repeated the same words again and again. Siwoo gently steadied his collapsing body and patted his back before giving him a slight nod toward the stairs.

Yeonho had no way of knowing what that distant response meant or what Siwoo was thinking.

As Yeonho turned and stepped outside, Junyoung’s voice pierced through his back like a knife.

“Joo Yeonho. This is all your fault.”

His hand on the doorknob trembled. The knives kept flying, slicing into his soul without mercy.

“It’s all your fault. You told me you loved me. You ruined our brotherhood. You hurt Kim Siwoo. You even made our parents and our dead brother look like fools. You cheated on everyone and played the victim.”

Tears welled up in Yeonho’s wide eyes.

Was all of this really my fault?

Then Siwoo opened the front door and ushered him out.

“Go lie down. I’ll be there soon.”

The door closed as Yeonho stood frozen, tears streaming down his face. He sank to the floor in shock, then forced himself to stand again.

He had no idea how he made it to Siwoo’s place. As soon as he arrived, his knees gave out and he collapsed. He couldn’t believe it. Junyoung, who had been closer than family and his dearest friend, had done something so horrifying to him.

Fear, sorrow, injustice, and rage all crashed over him at once.

If only he could place all the blame on Junyoung, maybe it would be easier. But what terrified Yeonho most was that Junyoung might be right. Maybe he really did share some responsibility for what had happened.

Yes. Even if he ran to his parents and told them what he’d been through, they would probably still blame him.

Even if Junyoung had tricked him into overdosing on sleeping pills, he was still the one who failed to manage his own dosage. He was an adult. He had no one to blame but himself.

“No one’s going to believe me. That I didn’t want any of this.”

What hurt most was that Siwoo might not believe him either. He could handle being misunderstood by the world. But if just one person, if Siwoo, could believe this wasn’t all his fault, he might survive it. But how could he expect that?

Not even I can believe myself. So how could Siwoo?

Yeonho collapsed to the floor and closed his eyes. Tears ran down his cheeks.

“So this really is all my fault…”

Siwoo must have known long ago. He must have seen everything. He must have believed Yeonho was some insane, two-faced monster.

Every time Yeonho had approached him, expressing affection, asking for love, how ridiculous and revolting it must have looked.

There was no way his feelings had seemed genuine. He must have come off as shallow and fake, someone who didn’t mean a word he said.

“How pathetic and disgusting I must seem to him…”

The more he thought, the larger his guilt grew. How could he have dared to get angry with Siwoo, when he couldn’t even remember half of what he’d done?

And on top of that, he had resented Siwoo’s other partner and even dared to mock them out of jealousy. The shame was unbearable. Looking at himself from Siwoo’s point of view, he saw nothing but a horrifying monster.

Could they ever love each other again? After seeing those videos with his own eyes, how could Siwoo not hate him even more? When he came back, would he look at Yeonho with cold eyes and slap him across the face? Would he never believe him again?

What terrified Yeonho most was the idea that, at this rate, he would lose Siwoo forever.

“Please don’t give up on me… please…”

He clung to the vow he had made before coming here. He hoped Siwoo would break him, ruin him, destroy his life. If that’s what Siwoo wanted, he would give him everything. It didn’t matter if Siwoo humiliated him, degraded him, hurt him with cruel sex.

He would accept it all, if it meant Siwoo would stay.

Even if he got angry. Even if he hit him. Even if he screamed. That was all right. Just, please, don’t leave.

It felt like he’d been sprinting without breathing. All his energy drained out at once, and Yeonho passed out cold. He didn’t have the strength to stay awake until Siwoo returned. His brain and body shut down.

Lying on the edge between light and darkness, he heard someone whisper.

The voice came from inside his own head.

So you’re blaming me again?

The voice belonged to Joo Yeonho.

He was the version of himself who had reached the final page of a book recording the time that had vanished from his memory, the one who now knew the full truth. Torn to shreds and bleeding from every wound, he was weeping in the darkness with bloodshot eyes.

But the current Joo Yeonho, who wanted to remember none of it, crushed that version of himself underfoot and forced him back into the dark.

Stay down. Stay hidden and don’t come out.

You’re blaming me again. Saying it was all my fault. I didn’t do anything wrong. I’m the victim!

Just stay there and shut up!

Still clutching the tattered book to his chest, the Yeonho from the dark crawled toward the edge of the light, tears falling as he asked,

Why? Because I’m a murderer?

Shut up. Be quiet.

Because I killed someone and then had the nerve to live on like nothing happened?

At that moment, Yeonho screamed and jolted awake. The world he had just come from, the subconscious, vanished without a trace, leaving behind only the choking sensation of a terrible nightmare.

***

Five years ago, he had wished for this same answer. That even in the middle of all the contradictions and confusion, one thing would be certain: Joo Yeonho loved Kim Siwoo. That one truth was all he had desperately wanted to hear.

Siwoo was forcing himself to suppress any emotional expression, restraining his impulses as much as possible. He made sure not to give anything away with his face, and when he did speak, he chose his words with meticulous care. He couldn’t strangle a man to death with his bare hands here. Not now.

He was already someone with a criminal record, having killed once through manslaughter. If he were to kill again, the consequences would be far too severe. He wanted to live now. He wanted to dream of a future filled with love.

All he felt now was grief. When he had reunited with Yeonho last spring at this resort, he should have noticed something. But he had been blinded by jealousy. Or maybe, if his father hadn’t dragged him off to America, Yeonho wouldn’t have spent over four years battling insomnia.

Whether Yeonho remembered him or rejected him, it shouldn’t have mattered. He should have stayed by his side no matter what. Siwoo felt guilt. He hated himself for failing to protect Yeonho.

Swallowing his overflowing hatred and murderous thoughts, he calmly asked Seong Junyoung,

“Was your brother, the late Seong Junhee, anything like you?”

Junyoung flinched. It was hard to say exactly how he interpreted the question. He didn’t reply. Siwoo pressed on, trying to coax an answer.

“Even if siblings seem different on the outside, they can be surprisingly similar underneath. People aren’t always what they seem. Humans are good at hiding who they are. I know, because I’ve done it myself. It’s easier than you’d think to fool everyone.”

Still, Junyoung stayed silent. Though he was usually the kind of person who blurted out anything, he seemed especially cautious when it came to Seong Junhee.

“You’re not going to answer? I want to know what kind of person the man I killed really was.”

“I don’t know what you’re trying to say with that.”

“No deeper meaning. I just want to know about the person whose death I caused.”

Junyoung finally spoke.

“My brother was respected, even at a young age. Do you realize how valuable a person you took away? Live the rest of your life repenting, friend.”

Siwoo gave a quiet, bitter smile and nodded. In a way, it might actually be better if that were true. Experiencing something as horrifying as this made him wish, almost desperately, that the love between Seong Junhee and Ju Yeonho had been real.

It would be easier to believe Yeonho had simply loved someone worthy, someone he had every reason to love. It was less painful to think he had been left behind for someone truly admirable. But the thought that Yeonho might have gone through a similar kind of agony five years ago was gut-wrenching.

Siwoo stood and extended a hand to Junyoung for a parting handshake. This final goodbye, to the man who had become a curse in Yeonho’s life, came with a shift in tone. Siwoo dropped all politeness.

“I can’t kill you. I’ve already used up my second chance. But I’ll do everything in my power to turn your life into hell.”

Junyoung, who had been doing everything to push the blame onto Yeonho and paint him as the enemy, flared up.

“Hey, what’s your problem? I told you, it’s Yeonho’s fault! Go get revenge on him!”

“Shut that filthy mouth. You asked where I got my nose done, right? Just do us all a favor and jump off the roof tonight. Come back in your next life. That’ll be faster.”