F70

Fortunately, Siwoo returned to Yeonho without killing anyone. All he had done was block Junyoung’s swing when he came at him with a chair, threatening to break his nose, and then crush his wrist underfoot.

He had to focus hard on controlling his strength. He had genuinely worried he might kill him in a fit of rage. Instead, he planned to keep Junyoung alive and pay him back for everything he had done to Yeonho. He would drag him through the gutter like a drugged-up zombie crawling along trash-strewn streets.

When Siwoo opened the front door, the sound of the hair dryer stopped, and Yeonho came running out. He had clearly just showered and was wearing an oversized T-shirt that hung off his smaller frame.

Without a word, Siwoo slipped his hand under the hem of Yeonho’s shirt. There was nothing underneath. His palm landed on soft, bare skin. Yeonho flinched with embarrassment, stumbling to explain.

“There weren’t any of my underwear at your place…”

“Liar. You wear mine all the time.”

“Oh… I did, didn’t I.”

Yeonho didn’t remember wearing Siwoo’s underwear. It probably hadn’t been a big deal before, but now he hesitated. He worried it would seem inappropriate. He thought Siwoo might be disgusted by it.

Siwoo always seemed to have a thing about cleanliness. Maybe a T-shirt was fine, but sharing underwear would be crossing a line. And the truth was, he had fully intended to wait for Siwoo wearing nothing at all.

Siwoo took a good look at him. On the surface, Yeonho seemed fine, but his breathing was uneven, his nerves frayed. He was still biting at his fingers. Siwoo gently separated his hands and chose not to mention anything that had happened earlier.

As he headed toward the bathroom, Yeonho followed closely behind.

“What did you two talk about? Was it about me?”

While he waited, Yeonho had imagined the two of them bonding over how messed up he was. He pictured them pitying each other, mocking his selfishness and promiscuity. Siwoo stood at the sink and answered.

“No. We didn’t talk about you. We talked about your older brother.”

“Oh…”

“Go wait in the room. I need to wash up. I’ve got filth all over me.”

The bathroom door closed. Yeonho returned to Siwoo’s room and sat nervously, finishing drying his wet hair.

A while later, Siwoo came in and stood in front of him. He raised his hand to ruffle Yeonho’s damp hair. Sitting on the edge of the bed, Yeonho winced and tightly closed his eyes as the hand approached. He braced himself, thinking Siwoo might hit him.

“What’s wrong, Yeonho?”

Siwoo sounded surprised as he looked at him, eyes shut, arms folded over his chest, shoulders curled inward. His hand rested gently on Yeonho’s head, then slid down to cup his cheek.

“Why are you so scared? You’re with me.”

When Siwoo took his face in both hands, Yeonho finally opened his eyes. He looked at Siwoo, breath trembling, as the thumb stroked softly across his cheek.

“I’m not scared. I’m fine.”

“You did well. It must’ve been a lot. Let’s just sleep for tonight. You’re tired. Don’t think about anything else right now. Whatever happened today, we’ll deal with it after you rest.”

Siwoo’s voice was gentle, but Yeonho couldn’t relax. Siwoo always spoke kindly, even when he was furious. His touch felt soft, but that didn’t mean he didn’t hate him. So when Siwoo turned to turn off the light, Yeonho spoke up.

“Hey, hyung.”

“Yeah?”

“I… I already got ready.”

The house was too quiet. Yeonho felt like Siwoo could hear the pounding of his heart. Siwoo paused and stared at him, expression unreadable. Flustered, Yeonho continued quickly.

“So just… go ahead. You don’t have to undress me anymore. I’ll make sure I’m always ready in advance so you can do it whenever you want. However you want.”

There was silence.

Yeonho pulled off his T-shirt. He was completely naked now.

“I washed really well. I’m not dirty.”

Siwoo’s eyes swept quickly across his body. His pale skin was flushed red, probably from scrubbing too hard in the shower. Yeonho lowered his gaze and continued in a small, frightened voice.

“I know I messed up. I get now why you called me a slut. I get why you were so angry. I’m sorry I yelled at you for dating someone else after we broke up. I should’ve looked at myself first. Someone like me had no right to say those things.”

He paused, waiting for a reaction. Siwoo remained silent, and Yeonho shrank even more.

“I mean, it’s funny, right? I don’t even know what I’ve done, but I’ve been shouting at you like I’m innocent. How many times must I have hurt you without even realizing it? I’m garbage.”

Still, Siwoo said nothing. The silence only made Yeonho more afraid.

“Say something. Please. Don’t just stand there. If you’re angry, don’t hold back. Tell me I’m filthy. Hit me if you want.”

Yeonho’s voice broke. His eyes were red, on the verge of tears, but they did not fell.

“But I really… I really do love you. I mean it. I know nothing I say now will sound believable but…”

Siwoo let out a long, heavy sigh.

Hearing that, Yeonho stopped talking and shut his mouth.

From a young age, Siwoo had been taught not to cry. In the past ten years, he had cried only once.

It was when Yeonho said to him, “Meeting you was the biggest mistake I made in my life.”

That had been the last time. Since then, no matter what tragedy touched his life, he never shed a tear.

And now, because of Yeonho, it felt like he might fall apart again.

I made him this scared.

I’m the one who made him believe that in times of hardship, what he would get from me was violence and scorn instead of love and comfort. I knew nothing about what really happened to him, yet I kept accusing and lashing out. I’m the one who made him feel this heartbroken.

Siwoo sank to his knees in front of Yeonho, as if he was apologizing. Silent tears spilled from his eyes.

Yeonho was startled to see them and rushed to wipe them away.

“You’re crying? Kim Yeonho is crying?”

Siwoo buried his face into Yeonho’s arms and whispered,

“What do I do, Yeonho. I’m so scared.”

He was terrified. What had Yeonho gone through five years ago? If something like this had happened back then too, could he ever forgive himself? Would he be able to live with the guilt? Could he beg Yeonho to forgive him like a coward, saying that he had only pretended to be older and stronger but had been just a scared kid himself?

Siwoo cried loudly in Yeonho’s arms like a child. The one who needed comfort was Yeonho, yet he was the one holding and comforting Siwoo.

“What is it? What are you so scared of? Don’t be scared. I’m fine. It’s okay.”

Yeonho answered, his expression firm, as if he’d never felt afraid. Every time Siwoo broke down, Yeonho found strength. That’s how it had always been, ever since he met him. Siwoo made him stronger.

“I don’t know what to do. I’ve never seen you cry before.”

“It’s not the first time. You already made me cry before.”

“I did? I’m sorry. I keep making you cry.”

Yeonho wiped away the last of Siwoo’s tears, then laid him down on the bed and pressed his chest to Siwoo’s mouth. Whenever Siwoo seemed weak or buried himself in Yeonho’s arms, he comforted him like this.

Siwoo latched on as if obsessed. He sucked so hard Yeonho cried out and arched his back.

“Nnh… ah…”

Red marks bloomed on his skin. Only after a long time did Siwoo release him, breathless.

“It’s not your fault.”

In that moment, all the tension in Yeonho’s body unraveled. That was the one thing he had needed most. Those words. It’s not your fault. He had needed to hear that more than anything. Because he hadn’t even believed it himself.

Siwoo sat up, cupped Yeonho’s face, and looked him straight in the eyes.

“He’s the one who did wrong. I was the one who jumped to conclusions. You did nothing wrong.”

He hadn’t apologized yet. Maybe because there was still more to come. Maybe something he would regret even more.

Tears welled up in Yeonho’s eyes.

“Then, hyung… does that mean you don’t hate me more now?”

“Why would I hate you? I don’t. I hate myself.”

Yeonho didn’t let the tears fall. He told himself he had no right to cry. Siwoo probably didn’t trust him anymore. The person he loved had been made to feel so miserable by him, to the point that he wept from frustration. Yet still, Siwoo had taken his side. That meant everything.

“Thank you. For saying that.”

Suddenly, he thought of the first day he met Siwoo. Back then, even though Siwoo had thought Yeonho was disgusting, he had still shown up at that drinking party and pulled him out of danger. That was the Siwoo he had fallen in love with. That was the Siwoo he still believed in. Even if he found Yeonho repulsive, he still showed warmth to someone in pain.

Yeonho clung to his collar with trembling hands and buried himself in Siwoo’s arms. Siwoo gently caressed his whole body and whispered,

“When morning comes, should we go back to Seoul? Can you still work here with Seong Junyoung around?”

Yeonho shook his head. Just a little while ago, he’d wanted to run from everyone who knew him, but not anymore. Siwoo’s words, that none of it was his fault, had given him courage.

“I don’t want to run. I don’t want to give up this resort either. I’ll hold on and make it mine. I won’t hand it over to that bastard.”

“Good. You have no reason to run. I’m here with you.”

Siwoo held Yeonho tightly, patting his back as he drifted off to sleep. His erratic breathing and pulse began to calm. Before long, Yeonho fell into a deep sleep.

Siwoo sat quietly, watching his face. Suddenly, he remembered the old phone Yeonho had used five years ago. Where had it gone? Had it been broken? Thrown out? Was it reset and now in someone else’s hands?

That phone, the one Yeonho had tried so desperately to hide, must have held either one of two things. It was full of evidences of a forbidden love with Seong Junhee, or it contained records of threats and abuse. It had to be one or the other.

Either way, it didn’t matter now. If Yeonho had loved Seong Junhee that fiercely, it would almost be a relief. Just once, Siwoo wanted to know what Yeonho had left behind during that time, those days he himself could no longer remember.

Yeonho, who had fallen asleep in Siwoo’s arms around 1 a.m., was awakened at 6 by the sound of his phone ringing. It was his mother.

A call from her at this hour was rare. His heart dropped. Had Junyoung already told her about what happened, twisting it all in his favor?

He slipped out of Siwoo’s arms and took the call in the living room, his voice still groggy from sleep.

“Hello…?”

The voice on the other end snapped him wide awake.

“Your brother…”

She told him that Seong Junyoung had been attacked at dawn by an unknown intruder. He had been beaten with a blunt object, sustaining injuries to his head, abdomen, and groin. He was in the hospital.

Yeonho looked blankly at the door to the bedroom where Siwoo was still asleep.