F77

Yeonho looked up the license plate number first. Then he identified the model of the truck and examined its appearance in detail. Sitting on the hospital bed, Siwoo leaned toward Yeonho, who was engrossed in his phone, peering curiously over his shoulder.

Catching a glimpse of the screen, he wrapped both arms around Yeonho’s waist, clinging to him with desperation, as if begging to be held. Yeonho laid down next to him on the bed.

Nestled in his arms, Siwoo looked up and blinked at him. He had tried so hard not to show this kind of dependence, but thinking that Yeonho might have always loved him brought out old habits without his realizing. At the same time, the fear that he might lose Yeonho again made him anxious.

While lying in that hospital bed, waiting for Yeonho, Siwoo had thought a lot. If Yeonho truly loved him, he would probably end things and leave if Siwoo were ever in danger.

That was why Siwoo had to believe this accident hadn’t been intentional. Regardless of the truth, he needed to believe that, and convince Yeonho to believe it too. He had to prove that he wasn’t in danger and, more importantly, make sure he never actually became endangered.

“Yeonho, I know your head must be spinning right now, and you’re probably exhausted, but can we just stick close for a while without thinking about anything?”

“Yeah. I like being close. I’ll think while being close.”

“No, I mean… can’t we just relax for a bit like this? Don’t worry about me, okay?”

Siwoo looked up at him with big, pleading eyes. Yeonho couldn’t look away from the beautiful expression Siwoo wore while snuggled against him. He couldn’t help but push his worries aside and focus on the moment. Poking Siwoo’s face with his finger, Yeonho smiled.

“It’s been a while. Since you last looked at me with eyes like that.”

Those were eyes that said, ‘Please love me.’ There was no trace of resentment in them. The sensation of touching Siwoo made Yeonho’s heart swell. It felt like their skin was two opposite poles of a magnet, drawn to each other. He couldn’t bring himself to let go.

At the time of the accident, he had truly believed he would die. He thought he’d never be able to touch Siwoo again. But Siwoo had saved the sinner who deserved death. And then, he loved that sinner again. By loving him, he had put himself at risk once more.

Yeonho tried hard not to show the emotions building up inside. Gently, he pinched Siwoo’s cheek and stretched it, then rubbed his nose. Siwoo happily tilted his face into his touch. Yeonho stroked Siwoo’s eyelashes and murmured slowly,

“My Tamagotchi.”(a brand of handheld digital pets)

“You’ve brought up every kind of toy, haven’t you? And now it’s Tamagotchi?”

“If you don’t regularly love the little animals inside a Tamagotchi, they get sick. It’s sad.”

Siwoo couldn’t argue with that. He just ended up laughing. It was true. Five years ago, Yeonho had taken care of him just like one of those little digital pets, pouring love and affection into him regularly and consistently.

He would’ve been fine being a Tamagotchi that had long since lost power. A keychain buried in a drawer, a dusty display doll, even a neglected dildo, anything, as long as he belonged to Yeonho.

“If I get sick and die, don’t throw me away. Just reset me.”

With a bittersweet smile, he brought Yeonho’s hand to his lips and kissed his fingers.

Yeonho pulled Siwoo’s hand back and kissed his fingers in return. Knowing full well that Siwoo would fall ill without affection, he still remembered how cruelly he had treated him.

But one thing was certain, if he went back to that moment, he would still make the same choice. In that situation, it was the best he could do, and he didn’t regret it. Even if it happened again…

So Yeonho couldn’t bring himself to explain why he’d had to hurt him. Originally, he had planned to confess everything once all his memories returned. He’d wanted to proudly declare to Siwoo, “There wasn’t a single moment I didn’t love you.”

But why did nothing ever go right? Why was Joo Yeonho’s life such a mess? Why was a love that came so easily to others so painfully difficult for him? The Moon Sea Fairy had said his face and fate were ones that could kill, but hadn’t said anything about lacking romantic fortune. Then again, it would’ve been tough to talk about romance with a five-year-old.

Yeonho spent the night at the hospital with Siwoo. He’d always been plagued by nightmares whenever his heart was heavy, and tonight was no different. In his dream, the dead Seong Junhee twisted his arms, legs, and neck, trying to strangle him.

Eyes wide with terror, Yeonho screamed at him.

“I don’t regret killing you. You had to die by my hands. You think I’m scared?”

“You should die too. You’re a murderer. So why are you still alive?”

The image of Junhee, twisting his neck and bleeding, soon transformed into Joo Yeonho, his own self.

Ah, damn it. Yeonho sighed, realizing he’d ended up being killed by his own hands. He had seen this coming. This damned guilt was the problem. This is why it’s so hard to survive when you’re kind.

If he hadn’t lost his memory after the accident, his weak self probably wouldn’t have lasted two days before taking his own life. Maybe erasing his memory had been a cowardly act of survival instinct.

Yeonho woke up in a cold sweat and let out a hollow laugh. It wasn’t even surprising. He’d expected it exactly this way. How does one overcome guilt? This damn guilt was going to eat away at the precious life Siwoo had saved for him.

On his silenced phone were several missed calls and messages from Seong Junyoung.

Baby♡ where are you right now? Why aren’t you with me?

After their earlier conversation, Junyoung had apparently decided they were dating. Yeonho deleted all the messages at once and gagged. Just in case Siwoo ever unlocked his phone, he changed the passcode, then moved quietly so as not to wake him. He went to Siwoo’s coat on the hanger and took out his wallet.

Rummaging through it, he pulled out a business card, presumably from the truck driver. He looked up the shipping company listed on the card.

As expected, the truck that had cut in front of Siwoo and caused the accident was one that delivered food supplies to Platte Resort. There was no way Siwoo didn’t know this. He must have found out and chosen not to say anything, pretending it wasn’t a big deal.

Of course it wouldn’t look like it had been intentional. It was the kind of accident no one could prove was on purpose. Two cars leaving from nearly the same place around the same time, only to crash just before reaching Seoul. How could that be a coincidence? Siwoo had just gotten lucky that he wasn’t seriously injured.

Still, Yeonho didn’t believe Junyoung was the one behind it. Judging from the timing of the accident and how cleanly it had been handled, it was probably his father’s doing.

Not to protect that garbage of a son, Seong Junyoung, but because he didn’t want the crimes his son had committed to be exposed by Siwoo. Illegal drug distribution and forced injection, sexual assault of his stepbrother, illicit recordings and distribution, blackmail…

His father had always seemed rational and kind. But Yeonho knew, if that man was truly who he thought he was. Then when Seong Junhee died, he might have actually thought, Good riddance. His son, who had committed a crime worthy of death, had returned to dust before anyone found out about it.

Yeonho stroked Siwoo’s head, which rested on his outstretched arm, and whispered playfully,

“You really had it rough meeting the wrong guy. I was the one who seduced you. And like an idiot, I seduced you again. I must be some animal desperate to mate with you.”

He let out a hollow laugh. Siwoo had loved him so much that he ended up taking the blame for sins Yeonho had committed. Now he’d fallen for him again, and once more an innocent man was being dragged through hell.

Even meeting again after time had passed hadn’t changed anything. The more involved Siwoo became with him, the deeper he sank. If he had stayed in the States with someone else instead of coming back to Yeonho, none of this would have happened.

“But I guess you could live without me. That’s a relief. At least it doesn’t have to be me. That takes some pressure off.”

With a calm voice and a faint smile, Yeonho said,

“…I still regret meeting you.”

The memories of the hateful posts he’d once seen about Siwoo on the school forum stabbed through his heart like knives.

“Meeting you was the worst decision of my life. And even now, I can’t take that back. I’m really sorry.”

He kissed the wound on Siwoo’s forehead, then the scar on his wrist. He had caused them all.

“I’ll set everything right.”

He would reveal to the world that the one who had killed Seong Junhee wasn’t Kim Yeonho, but Joo Yeonho. It was the only right thing to do, the only way to show that he truly loved Siwoo.

And he would confront his father. He would tell him that it was not Siwoo, but himself, who had beaten Seong Junyoung with a baseball bat. Once he finished dealing with Junyoung, he would accept whatever punishment was fitting for his own crimes.

“Thank you for loving me.”

There was so much he had to do.

***

When Siwoo woke up in the morning, Yeonho was gone.

“Yeonho. Joo Yeonho.”

He called out his name, but there was no answer. All that remained were the scribbles left on both of his palms. On his right hand, Yeonho had drawn a face blowing a kiss (’ 3 ’), and on the scar on his left wrist, he had drawn a bracelet made of hearts.

Siwoo didn’t have the mental space to find those marks endearing. Yeonho had told him he hadn’t recovered the memories from the time when Siwoo used to doodle on his hands and feet. Siwoo took a shaky breath and murmured with a serious look on his face.

“…All his memories are back?”

Then why hadn’t he said anything? And why had he disappeared without a word?

“Joo Yeonho!”

He had an ominous feeling and he sprang out of bed. He threw off his hospital gown and started preparing to leave. He couldn’t just lie there anymore. As he left the room, he called Yeonho.

Whether Yeonho loved him or not didn’t matter anymore. He would never let them be separated again. There was no way he would let the past repeat itself.

This time, he would change everything, no matter what.