F85

Siwoo’s hand trembled as he gripped Yeonho’s phone. The sooner he confirmed what was inside, the sooner he could return to Yeonho, but he couldn’t bring himself to look.

He stood frozen for about three minutes, unable to do anything. At that moment, it felt like Siwoo was standing at the edge of life and death.

His heart couldn’t settle on a single direction. He truly hoped Yeonho had never been assaulted by Seong Junhee. He would rather Yeonho had shared sincere love with him than have suffered something terrible.

But the moment Yeonho abandoned him again because of Seong Junyoung, that hope disappeared. If he wanted another chance, then Yeonho had to have suffered because of Seong Junhee.

And so now, very selfishly, Kim Siwoo hoped Yeonho had been made just “miserable enough.” Enough to endure, enough not to break completely. He hoped Yeonho had suffered just a little, but not too much. He felt disgusted with himself.

“I’m a truly selfish, insane bastard…”

He let out a hollow laugh as he looked down at the phone. He didn’t want to admit that he had left Yeonho to bear all that pain alone. But he also needed confirmation that the one Yeonho truly loved wasn’t Seong Junhee or Seong Junyoung, but him. He never wanted Yeonho to discover this wretched part of himself.

He packed up all the cloned data he had used to find the passcode and returned to his lodging. Alone in the room, he slowly unlocked the phone. Holding his breath, he opened the photo album first. At the top were screenshots of chat logs. With trembling fingers, he tapped on a thumbnail to view the contents.

“……”

Siwoo’s selfish hope for “a manageable level of misery” was completely shattered. His face turned cold as he scrolled through each photo, slowly reading the messages Seong Junhee had sent Yeonho.

Joo Yeonho. I hit you yesterday because you swung a baseball bat at me first. I must’ve raised my little brother wrong. Time to retrain you properly.

You beat me with a bat. Don’t act like the victim just because you took a couple hits to the head and face.

“…He hit Yeonho?”

How dare he lay a hand on him? Siwoo already knew what that pain felt like. Yeonho never needed to know it too. With eyes burning with rage, he kept scrolling through the messages.

I told you you’d get punished if you kept talking back, didn’t I?

I’m going to upload the video of you and Kim Yeonho having sex to your school’s message board right now. This is your fault, Yeonho. You made me this way.

Even if Kim Yeonho dies at his father’s hands, it’ll be your fault. It’ll be your doing. Because of you, Joo Yeonho, so many people are suffering right now.

I’m not the one making Kim Yeonho miserable. You are. You’re the problem, always clinging to him. Why are you so greedy? In the end, it’s your disgusting lust that’s ruining his future.

You’re really trying to destroy your lover’s life with your own hands? What a terrible person you are. I raised you with care, and this is what you grew into? You used to be such a sweet kid.

You just need to go back to being that sweet little Yeonho. The one who listened to me. Why don’t you listen anymore? If you’re just good again, then you, me, Kim Yeonho, and our family, we can all be happy.

None of this would’ve happened if you didn’t exist. That’s why it’s your fault.

After that, the screen filled with photos of Yeonho’s naked body, taken by someone else. There seemed to be no end to them. Siwoo kept scrolling, but the pictures just kept coming. In one, Yeonho was asleep with a man’s hand resting on his body. Some photos appeared to have been taken while Yeonho was awake, posing as if instructed.

When Siwoo saw those images, he couldn’t hold back his nausea and ran to the bathroom. He vomited before he could even cry. The bile came first.

He began packing to return to Korea. On the bed beside him, Yeonho’s phone continued playing one of their sex videos, seemingly recorded with a hidden camera set up by Seong Junhee.

Hoping that Yeonho had only endured things he could bear had been too much to ask. He had suffered far more than that, and Siwoo had cruelly thrown words at him over and over again.

After enduring something like that five years ago, no wonder Yeonho was terrified of Junyoung’s threats and Siwoo’s car accident. Of course he thought it was all his fault.

And yet, Siwoo, just to soothe his own heart and in the name of confirming Yeonho’s sincerity, had said cruel things to him even the day before he left.

He had convinced himself that Yeonho still loved him because he flinched and looked hurt whenever he lashed out. He had felt reassured seeing tears welling in Yeonho’s eyes as he struggled to hold them back. Without understanding how fragile Yeonho’s inner world truly was, he had wounded and clawed at his heart. And then, when Yeonho held his hand trembling with fear, Siwoo had felt safe again.

He sat down mid-packing, collapsed, and kept calling that dear name over and over.

“Yeonho… Yeonho…”

Even saying sorry felt cowardly. He had thought he had prepared himself for anything, but it wasn’t nearly enough. The rage he felt toward himself was far beyond what he could’ve imagined.

From the very first day they met, Yeonho had never stopped loving him. Not even once. He had never loved anyone else at the same time. In Yeonho’s world, there had only ever been Siwoo.

Even now, realizing that made Siwoo feel like he was losing his mind.

At the airport, he tried calling Yeonho, but someone else picked up. It seemed Yeonho had changed his number after he left. He was gone from the messenger app too, no longer appearing in his contacts.

But Yeonho’s presence kept showing up on Seong Junyoung’s social media, so Siwoo chose to believe he was safe. The only thing he could do now was return to him as quickly as possible, return to the man who was likely pretending to be Junyoung’s lover for his sake.

On the plane heading back to Yeonho, Siwoo finally opened the letter Yeonho had left for his mother. And for the first time, he fully understood what Yeonho had been trying to do that night on the slope, the night Seong Junhee died.

After reading the message Yeonho had written when he decided to die, Siwoo, who had barely been holding it together, completely fell apart. He clamped a hand over his mouth to keep from crying out. He felt another wave of nausea and fidgeted in pain until he finally broke down in tears. His hands wouldn’t stay still, and he couldn’t stop the tears from falling. He was grateful the seat next to him was empty.

From the moment he read the letter, anxiety and tension overwhelmed him. He was terrified for Yeonho’s safety. Could Yeonho, left alone after he had gone, really withstand everything he was facing on his own?

Even with the older brother gone, the abuse and threats had continued through the younger one. On top of that, Yeonho had felt responsible for protecting Kim Siwoo from those threats. And then there was the mother who had known everything but stood by and did nothing. On top of it all, the memory of killing someone had come back. And then Kim Siwoo, who had left after saying nothing but cruel things instead of holding him.

How could anyone endure all that alone? What if he made the same choice as back then, while Siwoo was gone?

Siwoo had always said he would give up everything for Yeonho. And yet, once upon a time, when Yeonho had said, “I can’t give up everything just for love,” he had felt hurt by it.

He had never thought of Yeonho as someone who could sacrifice what he had for love. He had never imagined that Yeonho might love him more deeply than he loved Yeonho.

But that had been nothing but cruel arrogance. He had dared to measure Yeonho’s love with his own hands.

As he reread the final letter Yeonho had left behind, displayed on the phone screen, Siwoo cried without end.

“You gave up even yourself for me…”

***

Yeonho stood in front of the ski suit hanging in the closet, blinking slowly with tired eyes. The phone he had hidden inside the ski gloves was gone.

Until recently, he would’ve assumed right away that Siwoo had taken it. After all, he had brought the phone back the day they began living together again in this apartment. But Yeonho was no longer in a normal state of mind. Ever since Siwoo left, everything had reverted to how it was before they reunited.

“It’s not here. Did I throw it away?”

Where had he put it? I haven’t slept in days, so I must be confused again. He muttered these things to himself in self-reproach, then gave up on trying to think. He didn’t have the strength anymore to continue piecing thoughts together.

Even if it turned out that the phone wasn’t in the gloves but tucked into a sock somewhere, it wouldn’t change anything now. Even if Siwoo had found it and taken it to the US, there was no way he could have unlocked it. There was no miracle waiting where Siwoo would come back to him after opening the phone.

In any case, an hour from now, Ju Yeonho would no longer be alive. His fall while snowboarding would be clearly captured on CCTV. What did it matter where the old phone had gone?

Even if he died, no one knew the password. And it wasn’t even his current phone, it was an old, deactivated one. Who would bother trying to unlock it?

“I don’t care. It’s all so tiring…”

He put on the ski suit and staggered out into the early morning slope. This was the last strength Yeonho had left. Enough strength only to end his own life.

***

From the time he left his lodging in the US to the moment he entered Yeonho’s apartment using the staff passcode, nearly a full day had passed.

All he brought with him was a phone, his passport, wallet, and Yeonho’s phone. He had left his suitcase behind in America, thinking it would only slow him down. Between the long flight and running at full speed, he was on the verge of collapsing. It was a miracle he was still conscious.

“Yeonho, I’m here. Yeonho!”

He threw off his coat and shouted his name. But Yeonho was nowhere to be found.

“Where did you go at this hour, Joo Yeonho!”

If he was with Seong Junyoung right now, even spending the night in that house, then maybe that would be for the best. Of course, even that would be painful for Yeonho, but right now, his safety was the most important thing.

Siwoo opened the closet. After spending nearly two weeks living here with Yeonho, constantly searching through this closet, he knew exactly which winter coats he owned.

If none of the outerwear was missing, he would go straight to the tenth floor where Junyoung lived and bring him back. If a coat or a padded jacket was gone, he would file a missing person report and start looking for him.

And the coat that was missing was…