F86

I’m so tired. I just want to fall asleep quickly.

As Yeonho slowly descended the slope on his board, only one goal remained in his mind, to end everything as quickly as possible.

When he thought of Siwoo, he didn’t remember the days they spent together. All he could picture now was Siwoo with his new lover, sharing affection, reclaiming Kim Siwoo as if nothing had happened. After giving up everything like this, one might think he’d feel peace, but he didn’t. Not at all. He still felt like he was losing his mind with jealousy.

He knew Siwoo had loved and cherished him deeply, even to the point of self-sacrifice. But it didn’t feel like the kind of love that couldn’t live without him. Of course not. After everything, how could Siwoo still be attached to someone like him? From Siwoo’s perspective, Yeonho simply wasn’t worth loving that much.

If his death would destroy Siwoo’s life, he never would’ve left his side. He wouldn’t have gone looking for someone else just because he was lonely.

Siwoo was fragile and sensitive, so he’d suffer for a while. But eventually, with someone by his side to lean on, he’d recover and live well. Yeonho believed that.

And so, Yeonho’s thoughts remained unchanged. From the very beginning to the end, he had always loved more.

“Don’t forget me.”

The thought of being engraved forever in Siwoo’s memory made him smile. No matter who came along to soothe his wounded heart, Siwoo would never be able to erase Yeonho from his mind.

He hoped Siwoo would one day watch the footage of his death with his own eyes. That from time to time, people would ask him about Yeonho, and he’d talk about him. That he’d tell the person he loved stories about someone named Joo Yeonho. Even if it was all insults and curses, Yeonho just wanted to hear his name on Siwoo’s lips.

The end of the slope was close now. Yeonho made sure no one was ahead of him, then picked up speed. He no longer cared how his body would fall, crash, or shatter.

He shifted his weight forward to accelerate. His body veered diagonally toward a support post on the left side of the slope.

That was when someone suddenly started climbing the slope. Maybe the lift had stopped operating? Whoever it was, they were running up the slope with no gear, completely unprotected. And they were clearly coming straight for him.

“What is he doing?”

Yeonho didn’t want anyone to get hurt because of him. The person wasn’t even wearing proper clothes. If they collided, it could be a serious accident. But Yeonho was already past the point of being able to stop himself.

It was just before 4 AM on a weekday. He was the only one on the slope, and the safety staff were up top preparing to close down for the day.

As the person charging up the slope came closer, Yeonho was able to see his face. It was Siwoo.

How was Siwoo, who had left for America, here again? How did he always show up whenever Yeonho tried to die, as if he knew? But this couldn’t be real. Maybe he was hallucinating from missing him so much.

“No, no…”

Yeonho tried to slow down, but lost his balance and fell. He began tumbling, the only thing he could do now was try with all his might to steer away from Siwoo so they wouldn’t crash. His body slid in an unexpected direction, and Siwoo ran frantically after him.

Siwoo lunged and grabbed a fistful of Yeonho’s ski suit with his left hand, pulling so hard it felt like his fingers would snap. Yeonho’s momentum dragged them both down the slope, but Siwoo used all his strength to pull Yeonho closer, trying to lessen the impact he would take.

Yeonho’s head struck one of the poles by the safety net with a loud thud. His blood splattered onto Siwoo’s cheek. Siwoo pushed through the net and, as Yeonho nearly slipped out and fell further down, managed to grab him with nothing but his ten fingers. His life was literally hanging at Siwoo’s fingertips.

Yeonho’s body stopped moving. It was a miracle.

“Joo Yeonho…”

Siwoo, soaked in the blood of the one he loved, whispered his name.

“Yeonho, I’m here.”

But no answer came. Siwoo, trembling, reached for Yeonho’s cold cheek with his broken hand and gently touched it.

“Am I too late…? Yeonho. Did I come too late?”

He couldn’t be sure anyone would find them in time. Siwoo, blood dripping from his fingers where his nails had torn off, called an ambulance. Then he waited, holding Yeonho close, brushing his lips gently against his pale cheek.

Yeonho lay still as if dead, his face completely colorless. Siwoo brought his ear close to his small face to check if he was breathing.

“Yeonho, I ran here without even breathing…”

Yeonho looked peaceful. Siwoo, worried that he had fallen asleep in the cold, pressed his lips again to Yeonho’s cheek and lightly licked his blue lips. This was all he could do to keep him warm. The tears wouldn’t fall, maybe they had frozen.

“Why aren’t you breathing, huh? Let me hear it. That sound you make when you sleep… like a baby…”

Looking at Yeonho’s lifeless form, Siwoo felt a dangerous urge. The thought that it was his fault for arriving too late, that he had lost Yeonho, consumed him. Should he wrap the torn net around his neck? Throw himself over the edge?

He began to rise, preparing to do something terrible. At that moment, Yeonho’s lips twitched. Siwoo dropped to the ground and brought his ear back to Yeonho’s face.

Yeonho, who had briefly lost consciousness after hitting his head, began to breathe again, his chest rising and falling with shallow, wheezing breaths.

Only then did Siwoo collapse next to him in relief. The sound of Yeonho breathing melted his frozen tears, and they began to flow hot down his cheeks.

***

Yeonho woke from a very long, long sleep.

Joo Yeonho was nearing college graduation. He was headed to Platte Resort in Gangwon Province to take photos for his graduation exhibition. Once called Seongam Resort, the newly renamed Platte Resort had postponed its opening due to construction delays…

But on the television in front of Yeonho now, a local commercial for Platte Resort was playing. He hurriedly checked the phone by his bedside. It wasn’t the date he remembered. His graduation exhibition had already ended months ago.

The place he was lying in seemed to be a hospital room. To his right stood his mother, and to his left, his younger brother. In front of him was a man he didn’t recognize.

The man’s left arm was in a cast, and every finger on his right hand was wrapped in bandages. His face had several red scratches, as if scraped, and his lips were split. Yeonho thought those wounds somehow made the man’s face even more beautiful. He couldn’t take his eyes off him, like someone struck by love at first sight.

With wide, dazed eyes, Yeonho blinked and asked in a spellbound tone, “Who are you?”

Just asking made his cheeks flush with heat.

Siwoo stepped closer, Yeonho truly didn’t recognize him. Had he lost his memory again? Or was he pretending not to remember, trying to push Siwoo away?

Looking down at Yeonho, whose head was bandaged, Siwoo spoke gently.

“You don’t remember me?”

“I’m sorry. Do we know each other?”

Yeonho didn’t seem to be lying. So Siwoo nodded and answered with a soft smile.

“I’m Joo Yeonho’s boyfriend.”

“Boyfriend?”

Yeonho’s eyes grew round with surprise. Siwoo continued calmly and kindly as Yeonho stared at him.

“We first met when Joo Yeonho was twenty. My name is Kim Yeonho. I majored in architectural engineering.”

“Architectural engineering… Kim Yeonho?”

Isn’t that the one who killed his older brother? A flicker of doubt crossed Yeonho’s mind. He turned his head toward his mother. But she didn’t say anything, only dabbed at her eyes with a handkerchief. She seemed to accept that Kim Yeonho and Joo Yeonho had been lovers. Because of that, Yeonho could tell Siwoo wasn’t lying.

But on the other side, Seong Junyoung started shouting loudly in denial.

“What the hell? Why are you saying you’re Yeonho’s boyfriend? You’re not his boyfriend!”

With their mother present, Seong Junyoung couldn’t say anything more and clamped his mouth shut.

Ignoring his family, Yeonho looked at Siwoo with eyes full of curiosity and sudden interest. It was a bold question, but his hand hidden under the blanket twitched nervously.

“Then, do you love me?”

To that, Siwoo smiled brightly and answered.

“Yes, I love you. I was twenty-one when we first met, and now I’m twenty-six. Not a single day has passed that I didn’t love you.”

Yeonho began to breathe faster at the detailed answer. He remembered the old posts on the school forum that hurt his heart, even though he hadn’t known why. He asked one more time.

“Did I love you too?”

Siwoo answered without hesitation, his voice firm with certainty.

“Yes. You love me.”

“…”

“Joo Yeonho loves me very much. We’re in love.”

Yeonho held Siwoo’s gaze for a long moment, the sincerity in his words giving him comfort. Then he slowly stood up, his expression unreadable. Turning his back on everyone, he wheeled his IV stand toward the bathroom.

Their mother slapped Seong Junyoung on the back and dragged him out of the room, fed up with his nonsense. She shot Siwoo a glance, silently urging him to take her place. Siwoo bowed in gratitude.

Inside the bathroom, Yeonho washed his face clean and fixed his hair. Staring at his reflection in the mirror, he went still. Back when he was heading to Gangwon Province, he’d been frantic trying to hide his monstrous face. But now, the reflection looking back at him was the face he had always known. Maybe it really hadn’t been mockery or a lie when people called him beautiful.

He stepped out of the bathroom and looked around at the room where only Siwoo remained. The world looked sharper, clearer in color. The sky beyond the window was blue, not gray. The sweater Siwoo wore was the real gray.

Yeonho walked confidently toward Siwoo and looked up at him. Siwoo was much taller. There was a calming warmth to the scent on his body, something that made Yeonho feel like he could fall asleep in peace. The eyes looking down at him were full of love.

Under that gaze, Yeonho’s heart pounded as if it would burst from his chest. For the first time in ages, he felt like he had a reason to live. He felt truly alive.

Everything was telling him, that this man had always been in the memories he had lost from when he was twenty. This was the person he had been waiting for. This was who he had been searching for.

Now that he was back, everything that had gone wrong seemed to return to where it belonged.

Yeonho couldn’t hold back his overflowing emotions. He reached for Siwoo’s hand and, his voice trembling with excitement, asked,

“Where did you go without me?”

Siwoo held back tears as he replied.

“I wanted to stay by your side forever, so I went somewhere far away for a little while. I’m sorry I made you wait so long.”

Yeonho finally burst into tears and threw his arms around Siwoo’s waist, clinging tightly to him. Safe in his warm embrace, he pouted like a child and said the words he had longed to say for so long.

“I’ve been searching everywhere for you… this whole time…”