F89

“The one who can kill or save you…”

Before Yeonho could finish, Siwoo pressed their lips together, swallowing Yeonho’s words. He kissed him, as if to let him know that his life now belonged to Yeonho, breathing his soul into him.

Siwoo had no way of knowing what Yeonho would do once all his memories returned. He was still uneasy about what Yeonho might choose. So while Yeonho was still looking at him with innocent, lovestruck eyes, he had to be quick. He needed to reveal everything in his heart and convince him before it was too late.

Just as Siwoo had changed, he wanted Yeonho to make a different choice too. Only then could the two of them find happiness together. Maybe Yeonho losing his memory again had been a gift from the heavens.

Yeonho, breathless from the kiss, opened his eyes and looked at Siwoo. Then, as if a dam had burst, words began spilling from his mouth, memories crashing through. Under normal circumstances, he would have kept these thoughts buried deep inside and never shared them with Siwoo.

“Every time I took you home, I got so stressed I’d throw up everything I ate that day. I was terrified your parents would hurt you. I had nightmares about you dying over and over again. So I decided I had to protect you no matter what. That I was the only one in this world who could protect you.”

Overcome with emotion, Yeonho dropped the honorifics as he cried. The past and all the emotions he’d once felt were rising up chaotically in real time, and there was no filter on what he said. He didn’t even know what he was saying anymore.

For the first time, Siwoo was hearing directly from Yeonho just how deeply burned his pain had been. Tears dripped down from his eyes.

“I didn’t know. I had no idea you were suffering that much.”

Back then, Siwoo had thought Ju Yeonho was just a reckless kid trying to act like an adult. He believed Yeonho’s overflowing possessiveness came from selfish joy at Siwoo’s misery, and that he was someone who could give love to anyone, just a shallow boy.

He had been arrogant, filled with reckless assumptions. He had committed so many wrongs because of his careless prejudice. Maybe he had even been drunk on his own image of loving Yeonho blindly, flaws and all. Letting everything go, Siwoo broke down like a child and confessed.

“I cut my wrist and showed it to you, thinking if I did that, you’d stay with me forever.”

Yeonho jolted as if electrocuted. The memory of removing Siwoo’s watch and discovering a fresh scar on his wrist surfaced. Siwoo pulled the trembling Yeonho into his arms and gently patted his back, calming him.

“It’s okay. I told you, I don’t do that anymore.”

More memories began to resurface for Yeonho, and once again, he laid his heart bare to Siwoo.

“I really wanted to be your parent. I know I was immature and lacking, but I loved you with that kind of heart. I felt like I had to protect you no matter what.”

“I was the immature one. You weren’t lacking. You protected me. You saved me.”

Siwoo finally understood the depth of Yeonho’s love. Looking back now, he couldn’t say for sure that things would have turned out better if Yeonho had told him everything five years ago. They might have tried to find a way forward together, but 21 years old Yeonho had been young and mentally fragile. Who could say if he would have made the right choice?

At that time, Siwoo had been unstable. He had harmed himself just to keep someone he loved. He’d even strangled his father and been committed to a mental hospital. He had seriously considered killing Seong Junhee. Even if they’d tried to talk things through, it wasn’t likely they would have found a wise solution.

Unlike Yeonho, who had found a way to escape, Siwoo would have killed Seong Junhee far more cruelly. Whether it was by dismemberment or slow torture, he would have made sure the punishment was irreversible and devastating, the kind even his father’s money and influence couldn’t mitigate. He had no intention of letting Seong Junhee die peacefully.

So the choice Yeonho made back then had been the best he could do. He had protected Siwoo by dealing with Seong Junhee himself. He had kept Siwoo from becoming a real murderer. What Yeonho had done for him hadn’t been meaningless. Maybe their choices that day on the ski slope had come together to bring about the best possible outcome.

What hurt the most was that Yeonho had endured all of it alone. And during that time, Siwoo had been harsh to him.

Yeonho couldn’t speak anymore. As the next wave of memories flooded back, his breath hitched. Siwoo held onto his sinking body and shouted into his ear.

“But you can’t do that anymore. Yeonho, no matter what memories come back, remember this. You never have to risk your life to protect me again. If you do, we’ll both die.”

Yeonho etched those words into his mind.

Siwoo, sweating cold and holding Yeonho in his arms, kissed his cheek and carried him out of the shower. This wasn’t the time to indulge in his desire.

Yeonho took his medication and fell asleep again. Siwoo stayed by his side all night, dozing lightly. Until dawn, Yeonho moaned in his sleep, and Siwoo listened closely to his sleep-talking, trying to guess what kind of dreams he was having.

If Yeonho remembered his dreams when he woke up, he would probably recall everything that had happened to him. Right now, from his beautiful, kind lips, the words “Seong Junyoung, I swear I’ll break every bone in your body” came out in a menacing mutter. Siwoo leaned down and kissed each of Yeonho’s clenched fingers.

He wondered what Yeonho would say when he woke up. More than anything, he wanted to hear “I love you.” Not from the sunny, cheerful Yeonho who fell in love with him all over again each time, but from the one who remembered everything. He knew Yeonho’s love better than anyone, but he still ached for it.

He waited for Yeonho to wake up, then dozed off himself. When he opened his eyes again, the morning sun was pouring in. Yeonho was gently stroking his head. He looked up and met his eyes.

Just looking at Yeonho’s face, Siwoo could tell all the memories had returned. The brightness was gone from his eyes. There was a sadness in them, his skin was pale, and a heavy, worried expression. But his lips were still forcing a smile.

And of course, the first thing out of Yeonho’s mouth wasn’t “I love you.”

“Did you take my phone?”

Siwoo nodded. Yeonho had already worked through his thoughts while stroking Siwoo’s sleeping head. He didn’t stop touching him as he asked,

“Did you unlock it? You must have, since you came back to me.”

“I lied to you and went to America just to do that. I never meant to leave you. I knew why you were doing it, but I panicked and said awful things. I’m sorry.”

“So you did unlock it. I was hoping you wouldn’t see it.”

Yeonho let out a deep sigh. His eyes darkened. He lowered his hand and gently caressed Siwoo’s cheek as he asked again, trying to stay calm.

“Then… did you see all the photos?”

Without answering, Siwoo placed his hand over Yeonho’s and turned to kiss his palm. Yeonho closed his eyes, unable to hide the trembling in his voice.

“The ones with my eyes open and legs spread… the ones with me on all fours…”

“Yeonho.”

“I didn’t take those because I wanted to…”

“You don’t have to explain. You don’t. Why would you even try to explain something like that?”

Siwoo couldn’t hold back the anguish in his voice. He pulled Yeonho tightly into his arms and ran his bandaged fingers through his hair.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t know. I’m sorry I saw something you didn’t want me to see. I’m just sorry. I shouldn’t have looked.”

“I’m sorry too. Sorry for letting you see that.”

Yeonho didn’t cry. He wasn’t saying these things to make Siwoo feel guilty. If he cried, it would only make Siwoo carry more pain. He held Siwoo’s beautiful face in both hands and continued,

“It must have been really hard for you, having to keep thinking about me sleeping with those bastards.”

“You don’t have to explain that either. You were a victim. Even if you’d said yes to Seong Junhee in that moment, I know how you were forced into that situation. Even if you pretended to love Seong Junyoung, I know you had no choice. I’ll never blame you for any of it.”

“…”

“I’m not going to let Seong Junyoung get away with it. Don’t try to handle it alone anymore. Let me help. Please give me that chance.”

Yeonho looked at Siwoo, his gaze sorrowful and furious. He took a breath and pressed his fingers firmly to Siwoo’s lips.

“I know you don’t blame me. I know you love me no matter who I’ve been with. But I’m saying this for my own peace of mind. Because I want to say it.”

With a faint smile on his lips, Yeonho took Siwoo’s hand and pressed it to his flat stomach.

“I’ve never let anyone but you be inside me.”

“…”

“We made that promise, didn’t we? And I kept it.”