51. The Sinner Part 3

“Zhengming, we’re home…”

Yin Yan had to cover his mouth with his hand helplessly. From the car to the elevator, Lu Zhengming kept pulling him close, kissing him nonstop.

“Home is wherever you are…”

Lu Zhengming wrapped an arm around his waist, pressing close as he waited for him to unlock the door. The moment they stepped inside, the kissing resumed, sticky and fervent all the way into the bathroom. He could no longer stay calm. He was too cold. The first thing he needed to do after surviving was to confirm that Yin Yan was still warm.

He finally understood where this desperate hunger came from. It was not the lust of days spent abstinent. It was fear. He needed to use Yin Yan’s heat to thaw the chill buried deep in his bones.

Yin Yan gently undid his bloodstained shirt, peeling it off with care and wiping away the traces of blood on his body, as if smoothing over the remnants of a nightmare. His hands were a little cold. Before they even touched him, he could already feel the heat radiating from Lu Zhengming’s skin. But his body was still trembling. Yin Yan embraced him, slowly stroking down his spine, like soothing the ruffled fur of a frightened animal.

By the time his hands were warmed by Lu Zhengming’s body heat, Lu Zhengming’s breathing had also begun to steady.

Yin Yan stripped down as well and leaned his whole body against him. Lu Zhengming held him tightly. They clung to each other, their body heat bleeding together, skin melding like it was melting.

After a while, Yin Yan tilted up and kissed Lu Zhengming’s lips, then began to wash him. Not long ago, he had done this before. But that time, he had dominated everything about Lu Zhengming, treating him like an object. This time, his movements were gentler than the foam on his skin. His gaze, too, was as tender as bubbles.

Lu Zhengming could never withstand that kind of gentleness. He pressed against him, rubbing foam onto Yin Yan’s body. Smooth skin slid against skin, parting and pressing together again. The foam moved between them, and he once more had the feeling that he was melting.

What followed happened naturally.

Yin Yan opened himself to receive him, and Lu Zhengming slowly slid inside. It was even hotter than his skin. With just a few thrusts, he felt like he had truly melted into Yin Yan’s body. It had been so long since he had been this close to him. He could not hold himself back, and Yin Yan welcomed him, encouraging him with every movement to go deeper, harder.

They did it for a long time, but looking back, it felt like it had passed in a blink.

Still caught in the afterglow, Lu Zhengming hugged Yin Yan and nuzzled him, only then realizing that Yin Yan had not climaxed with him. He had not even gotten hard. Lu Zhengming felt his face flush and, feeling guilty, slid his hand down to stroke him.

“It’s a side effect of the medication. But it’s fine,” Yin Yan turned to kiss him. “I feel good.”

Lu Zhengming’s eyes burned hot. Yin Yan had been overly gentle tonight, letting him vent his feelings with indulgent patience. He could not help but ask, “What are you taking?”

“Medication to make myself normal again.”

Lu Zhengming looked at his smile and felt like nothing about this was normal. But Yin Yan clearly did not want to talk about it and gave him no chance to press. He pulled him close and said, “Let’s go to bed.”

The moment they entered the bedroom, he tugged Lu Zhengming toward the bed, teasing him with fingers that knew every inch of his body. He knew Lu Zhengming well. The bathroom had been too constrained. He had not truly satisfied him. They needed one more round to feel complete.

Lu Zhengming simply held his hand, pulled him onto the bed, and climbed under the covers. He curled up and buried his face against Yin Yan’s chest. That position made him feel safe and at peace. In the dark, he touched Yin Yan’s skin as if to confirm he was still there. He could not shake the anxious illusion that somewhere out of sight, Yin Yan was breaking, dissolving into nothing.

Sensing the shift in him, Yin Yan held him tighter and kissed his forehead softly, lingering there until his breathing calmed.

A long while later, Lu Zhengming murmured like a child confessing a mistake, “I was wrong.”

Yin Yan acted like he had not heard, gently touching the bandage on his head. “Did they stitch it?”

“Two or three stitches? I think so… I didn’t really pay attention.” Lu Zhengming turned his head away from his hand. “I went too far.”

Yin Yan kept touching him, brushing from his face to his neck, then from his left shoulder to his collarbone and down to his right ribcage. Lu Zhengming drew in a silent breath. That spot was a hidden bruise left by the seatbelt.

“I’m fine. Really.”

Lu Zhengming held Yin Yan tightly, not wanting him to notice the injury. “I really went too far this time…”

Yin Yan said nothing, just sighed quietly.

Before leaving home, he had made a few phone calls to find out what had happened. Everyone expressed regret over the incident, but no one knew the truth behind it. His instincts told him that Ma Pingchuan was involved, but he refused to acknowledge it. Yin Yan did not need Ma Pingchuan to admit anything, his attitude said enough.

All the accidents had started with him. First his father, then his mother, then his students… and now it was Lu Zhengming. He was like a nightmare, always dragging the people closest to him into misfortune.

“You’re a sinner… You only bring calamity…”

The medication dulled the hallucinations, but her shadow still coiled around him like a snake. “Why are you still alive? Why are you still alive? Why are you still alive…”

After hanging up the phone, Yin Yan felt unusually calm.

He cleaned up the apartment, made dinner, showered, and went to pick up Lu Zhengming.

Yin Yan had kept his eyes fixed on the gate of the traffic division, watching as Lu Zhengming walked out. He was wearing the shirt Yin Yan had bought for him. Yin Yan remembered the way he had looked trying it on, puffing his chest and grinning, saying he liked it a lot, saying that clothes from him fit better than anything he owned himself, so good he’d only wear it for special occasions.

The first time he wore it was for the exhibition. It was a dark-colored shirt. Even under the dim streetlight, Yin Yan could still see the scattered bloodstains on the collar.

Lu Zhengming’s body was so warm. Not just his body. His whole being radiated warmth. It made people cling to it, unwilling to let go. Once you had tasted that kind of warmth, you became afraid of the chill of death.

“It’s not your fault. This isn’t your fault…”

Yin Yan held Lu Zhengming’s head and kissed his way from his forehead to his eyes, his nose, his cheeks, and finally his lips. The wound was slightly swollen, and just the slightest touch caused fresh blood to bead up again. He kissed the corner of Lu Zhengming’s mouth with care, then slipped his tongue between his lips, slowly sliding deeper.

He tasted that warmth again.

Lu Zhengming responded just as tenderly. He opened his mouth and softly welcomed him in, feeling every subtle movement, and then wrapping around him as gently as an embrace.

At last, Yin Yan truly gave himself over, turning the kiss into a real kiss.

His breathing deepened, gradually losing track of restraint. Lu Zhengming no longer cared about the wound either. Their lips locked, seamless and unrelenting. It was an unusually meticulous kiss. When they finally parted, both of them were smiling.

Lu Zhengming could not stop himself from wanting to say those three words. But as his gaze met Yin Yan’s, something in those eyes made him unexpectedly shy. So he changed course. “You say it first…”

“I don’t know,” Yin Yan murmured, already pressing on top of him, continuing the kiss with fascination. “Probably the same thing you wanted to say. I don’t know…”

Lu Zhengming pulled him down by the neck, their mouths brushing. “I wanted to say I love you.”

Yin Yan laughed and kept kissing him. “Mm.”

He never said the words aloud, but his eyes spoke for him. Lu Zhengming knew that look. It mirrored his own. That look of enchantment, so soft it made his heart ache.

Yin Yan gently bit his Adam’s apple.

“Let’s make love.”

He shifted his hips, grinding his lower abdomen against Lu Zhengming’s in a slow, teasing rub. Their lower bodies pressed tightly together, building friction and heat.

Lu Zhengming suddenly felt shy. Those two words “make love,” had an odd kind of magic. They stirred not only desire, but a dizzying, heart-throbbing heat. He felt like a teenage boy again, blood surging with unstoppable excitement, his entire body on fire.

“Let’s make love,” Yin Yan whispered against his pulse, then his earlobe. “Let’s do it…”

His gaze was wet as he looked into Lu Zhengming’s eyes.

“Love.”

“Love…”

Lu Zhengming echoed instinctively. He suddenly forgot what the word even meant, as if a fog had settled between the word and its meaning. He lay dazed on the bed, the places where he had been kissed seemed to lose weight and float upward. It felt like he was falling apart, like a lake evaporating into mist, until the droplets reunited in the clouds and his awareness returned.

“Wait…”

“What is it?”

“…It feels different.”

Lu Zhengming could not quite describe it. They were doing the same things they had always done. They knew each other’s bodies so well, knew exactly how to make the other feel good. But this time, it felt entirely different.

Something was happening between them for the very first time. He experienced it like a stranger, until, with a sudden flash of clarity, he blurted out, “We’ve done it so many times, but this is the first time it’s felt like making love.”

Yin Yan laughed, gazing at him like he was an innocent youth. Gentle, indulgent, and full of seduction as he bent down and took his swollen cock into his mouth.

Lu Zhengming moaned helplessly.

He saw that Yin Yan had already pushed the covers aside. Naked, he knelt between his legs, sucking him off while maintaining eye contact. Those curved eyes looked like they were about to spill over with laughter. The tongue that had been so innocent during the kiss was now filthy and obscene, swirling around him with more dexterity than even fingers could offer.

Lu Zhengming’s chest heaved violently. He did not know what overwhelmed him more—Yin Yan’s tongue or his eyes. The sensitive tip was being sucked on with persistent pressure, while the exposed base was stroked by nimble fingers. He felt so good he thought his soul might escape his body.

“Enough, Yin Yan… I’m about to—mm—”

Yin Yan let him slip out of his mouth, catching his cum with his hand, stroking him gently to soothe the peak.

“Take your time. I still have so much to say to you…” He smiled and straddled Lu Zhengming’s hips. “But not with my mouth.”

Lu Zhengming’s mind had not caught up, but his body had already sensed it. The instant he felt the slick heat of Yin Yan’s entrance, he was fully, painfully hard again.

It felt like another kind of kiss. Shy, intimate, dense with unspoken meaning.

Yin Yan braced his hands on Lu Zhengming’s chest, only to have them caught. Fingers interlaced, palms pressed tightly together. They kissed as they held each other, and at the other end of their bodies, that second kiss continued. Yin Yan let out a moan as he sank down, letting that softer, tighter place embrace Lu Zhengming fully.

The motion was smooth, just like all the times before. Lu Zhengming was engulfed in that softness, as if the tide had risen above his head. Inside Yin Yan, the weight of the world disappeared.

“I’m home,” he murmured.

Yin Yan began to move slowly, and Lu Zhengming’s world swayed with him. A part of his own world had entered Yin Yan’s, and the two shared the same warmth and chill. Even though he was the one inside, he felt just as filled.

Lu Zhengming suddenly remembered a wet dream from a year ago. The scene had been exactly like this. They had done it in this position many times, but something had changed. A boundary had been crossed. He had truly entered Yin Yan’s world. It felt surreal, because beyond their bodies, they had exchanged nothing.

And yet, everything was different now.

From beginning to end, Yin Yan looked into his eyes, responding to every desire with his whole body. There was no need for words. The satisfaction he gave was absolute. He was not simply accommodating him. Lu Zhengming could feel Yin Yan’s own hunger, even though his body, restrained by medication, registered pleasure more slowly, more faintly.

Yin Yan’s cock remained soft, hanging low against Lu Zhengming’s abdomen, leaking a slow stream of fluid with every thrust. At first, he worried Lu Zhengming would be disappointed, but the heat in those eyes quickly erased that fear.

From time to time, Lu Zhengming cupped that soft flesh in his palm, using the slickness it leaked to gently knead it. The flaccid cock felt strangely delicate in his hand, stirring a soft, aching tenderness in his chest. After a while, he slipped out of Yin Yan and gently laid him down. Then he lowered his head and took him into his mouth. He had tasted it fully hard before, thick and difficult to swallow. But now, it lay docile against his tongue, like he was giving it a different kind of kiss.

His mouth grew excited, tongue swirling as if in a deep kiss. The more he kissed, the more aroused he became, occasionally pulling back to tenderly lick and suck, even taking the sac into his mouth. Lu Zhengming continued downward, lifting the trembling curves of Yin Yan’s ass and, after a deep breath, sealed his mouth over the loosened entrance.

“Ah—!”

Yin Yan cried out as something agile pushed into him. It did not fill him the way a cock did, but it was an entirely different kind of stimulation. Lu Zhengming twisted his tongue inside, soothing the swollen folds and pressing deeper to tend to the aching walls. Yin Yan had never known this kind of tenderness. His legs collapsed over Lu Zhengming’s shoulders, and all he could do was gasp for breath.

Lu Zhengming kept his eyes locked on his.

Struggling upright, Yin Yan hooked an arm around his neck and kissed him, not caring at all. The taste was only lube and their bodies, yet it felt like an aphrodisiac, driving both of them into madness.

Lu Zhengming sighed again. “I’m home.”

Yin Yan felt every thrust. The pleasure finally broke through the barrier of the medication and drew closer, stronger. He leaned against Lu Zhengming’s shoulder. “What does it feel like?”

“I don’t know how to describe it. It feels… amazing. And you?”

Yin Yan tightened his arms around his neck. “Then keep going a little longer.”

Lu Zhengming held him, suppressing the overwhelming pleasure to draw it out as long as possible, until Yin Yan climbed breathlessly to orgasm.

He never got hard. His semen leaked from the soft shaft in pale streams, clinging to the damp curls between his legs. Lu Zhengming instantly forgot his own climax. His mind went blank, fixated only on the wet image in front of him. Before he even fully softened, he pulled out, knelt down, and began licking it clean.

Lu Zhengming cupped that clean, pliant cock in his hands as if he were holding an innocent bird. His heart had turned completely to liquid, sloshing in his chest. He wanted to use this softness to soothe whatever loss was buried in Yin Yan, and to carve out a space for himself, a place he could return to no matter where he wandered. A place to flee the helplessness and solitude.

He kissed it again, then embraced Yin Yan with the same gentleness, kissing his forehead, his face, his eyes, his cheeks, then his fingers, his toes. He nuzzled him for a long time before finally lying in his arms. The posture was nothing like that of an adult. Years ago, he had held his dog like this. Now, he had found that same sense of ease again.

Yin Yan touched his bandage once more. The wound was not bleeding, so he finally relaxed. “Feeling better?”

Lu Zhengming let out a long breath. “This day is finally over…”

“But…” He hesitated, dragging out the syllable like a boy revealing his fragility. “I don’t know what to do tomorrow.”

Yin Yan stroked his head, quietly waiting.

“You said before that the way I do things is wrong. I never listened… but at the time, I really couldn’t think of any other way.” He looked up into Yin Yan’s eyes, as if seeking forgiveness. “I couldn’t let Yao Shunyu pull off this exhibition. Because…”

Lu Zhengming swallowed the rest. He did not want Yin Yan to know what had happened between him and Ma Pingchuan.

“Because of me.”

Yin Yan sighed, his hand softening as it caressed Lu Zhengming’s.

“This past year, you’ve done so many things for me. So many things you never would have done before. At first I didn’t trust you, just like I didn’t trust anyone… but you kept finding ways to change that.” He looked at Lu Zhengming seriously. Without his usual smile, a faint sadness showed through his face.

“You’re the only person I trust.”

Those words brought back Lu Zhengming’s smile. He had never felt this close to Yin Yan. He clasped his hand and kissed his palm. “Then everything I’ve done has been worth it. No matter what happens tomorrow, I’m not afraid anymore.”

Yin Yan shook his head. “It wasn’t worth it. Not for this. That was your life’s work.”

“I can paint again. I don’t have to teach. People…” Lu Zhengming thought of Yao Shunyu and was briefly filled with guilt, then raised his voice to cover it up. “None of that matters as much as you.”

Yin Yan opened his mouth to speak again, but Lu Zhengming bit his lips with playful fierceness and kissed him sticky and deep before finally letting go.

“I said it’s worth it, so it is.”

Yin Yan closed his eyes in pain.

Lu Zhengming fell asleep quickly.

His sleeping face was soft, brows relaxed, like a carefree child, even though he carried within him the weight of burdens only an adult could bear.

Yin Yan lingered over his face with his gaze, committing every detail to memory again and again. No matter which world he ended up in, he wanted to be able to paint him perfectly from memory.

This was the only thing he deserved to have.

It was like a curse. The moment he gave in to indulgence, the people close to him would be harmed. He had already brought ruin to his family, brought disaster to his students, and now…

He could not say that word aloud. He could only embed it carefully within other phrases, hoping Lu Zhengming would catch some subtle hint of it, but at the same time dreading that he would take it seriously and return a love Yin Yan could not afford to bear.

No matter what, it had to end here.

Yin Yan showered, changed into clean clothes, and went into his studio. He opened the drawer. The palette knife lay silently inside.

It was sharp, though not sharp enough to spare pain. There were far better tools for such a purpose. But for him, nothing was more fitting. From the moment his paintings had attracted attention, everyone had been walking toward irreversible tragedy. This tool, meant to revise a canvas, could just as well end a life gone astray.

If this could spare Lu Zhengming from further misfortune, then his death would be worth it.

Yin Yan touched the edge of the blade. This time, he felt no fear. He turned around instinctively, looking in the direction of the bedroom. After that one glance, even if he could not bear to part, he had to finish what needed to be done.

“Zhengming?”

For a moment, he thought he was hallucinating.

Lu Zhengming stood at the doorway of the studio, his face frozen in disbelief and fear. In the next second, he rushed forward and snatched the knife from Yin Yan’s hand.

For a long time, Lu Zhengming’s hands shook uncontrollably. He gripped the blade so hard he no longer felt the pain.

They stood in silence in the dark. Lu Zhengming’s blood dripped onto Yin Yan’s face. Only then did Yin Yan realize this was no illusion.

The moment he gave in, someone else got hurt.

As that thought surfaced, the long-dormant spider slithered out from the drop of blood on the floor. Her entire body was stained red, dragging long smears of blood as she crawled across the room, dyeing the floor with her passage. The thick scent of blood filled the air like a net, binding him layer by layer to the chair.

She took in a long, shuddering breath, laughed hoarsely, and opened her dripping, jagged limbs toward him.

Yin Yan started to struggle, desperately trying to grab the palette knife. As long as he could still fight, there was still time to fix everything…

But Lu Zhengming didn’t give him the chance.

He grabbed him by the collar and tore him out of that web of bloody tendrils, dragging him away without even a glance back from the crimson room.

Yin Yan was thrown hard onto the bed. His chest tightened, and buttons flew. He shut his eyes, bracing for punishment. He could already imagine Lu Zhengming’s fury. He had just spoken of trust, only to betray it with the most extreme action.

Lu Zhengming said nothing as he yanked at his shirt and pants. The wound on his hand split open again, but he did not stop. He stripped Yin Yan bare, pulled his legs apart…

He had wanted to use the most violent kind of sex to extinguish the fear clawing at him. But the moment he saw Yin Yan’s tightly shut eyes, the rage he had been barely holding together collapsed completely. Lu Zhengming sank down, defeated, resting his head against Yin Yan’s chest, right over the place where his heart beat.

His voice came out hoarse and exhausted. “Aren’t I the person you trust the most?”

Yin Yan let out a long, heavy breath. He dared not open his eyes. He was afraid to meet the sorrow in Lu Zhengming’s gaze. He could only speak weakly, softly.

“I’m sorry.”

“Why would you solve the problem this way?”

“I’m sorry…”

“If I can’t help you, at the very least, let me know what you’re going through. It’s fine even if you don’t want to say it. You don’t have to bother lying to me either. I’m not as easy to fool as you think. You can do anything you want, Yin Yan… just don’t leave me like that.”

Lu Zhengming pressed two fingers to his lips, silencing any further apologies or explanations. He propped himself up, looking directly into his eyes.

“I don’t want to see a second Yan Yan.”

Yin Yan froze.

“I already lost her because of me. No matter what happens, I can’t let the same thing happen to you. If I did… I’d be a true sinner. I’d never forgive myself.”

“The one who’s truly guilty is me.” Yin Yan sat up. “I kept trying to soothe Yan Yan, feeding my own sense of pity, and in the end, made her even more fragile. It wasn’t just her. Everyone close to me ends up ruined. I should’ve ended my life a long time ago, but I kept living out of greed and cowardice. So…”

He clutched his throbbing temple and forced the words out. “Let me disappear on my own terms.”

Lu Zhengming fell silent again. The bandage on his head had long since been soaked through with blood. His palm was caked with dried scabs, and crimson smears stained his skin all over. He looked wrecked.

Yin Yan kept his head lowered. He could no longer bear to see even a trace of red. It made his chest twist in pain and robbed him of breath.

The air between them cooled, degree by degree, until it was near freezing. Finally, Lu Zhengming spoke again.

“You really think what I’ve become is your fault?”

Yin Yan gave a silent nod.

“You want to die to settle the debt you owe me?”

Another nod.

Lu Zhengming exhaled slowly. He got up and walked to the nightstand, pulled something from the drawer, and returned to stand behind Yin Yan.

“If you’re serious about paying your debt, don’t you think the creditor should get a say?”

Yin Yan blinked in confusion and turned to look back, only to have Lu Zhengming press down firmly on his head, pinning him in place. A cold, metallic ring closed around his neck. The moment it snapped shut, Yin Yan began to tremble.

“From now on, your life belongs to me. Whether you are guilty or not, only I have the right to judge. Whether you deserve punishment, only I get to decide. Obedience is the only thing you’re allowed.”

He sat down in front of Yin Yan and forced him to meet his eyes.

“How’s that for a deal?”