Chapter 47. The Fall of Icarus Part 4

Lu Zhengming accepted Yao Shunyu’s invitation.

As part of the Cotton Mill Contemporary Art Festival’s series of exhibitions, Lu Zhengming was featured as one of the leading artists. His paintings in glass enclosures, which had attracted widespread attention as soon as they appeared, were scheduled to be shown in the final group exhibition, the main highlight of the festival.

Although the festival bore a name that suggested something grassroots or outsider, it was still seen as an official event due to Yao Shunyu’s institutional background. It was one of the few semi-official exhibitions Lu Zhengming had ever participated in. These kinds of events came with many restrictions. For example, he had to select relatively restrained works, and his speech at the opening ceremony had to align with ideological expectations. He could not be too liberal.

Lu Zhengming cooperated willingly, though privately he found this type of exhibition incoherent. The participating artworks were neither fully sanctioned by the system, nor able to retain their independence without compromise.

Yin Yan, however, believed this was good for Lu Zhengming. One more path meant one more possibility. Even if there was a price to pay, it was worth considering. He even wrote a speech for Lu Zhengming. While Lu Zhengming disliked such rhetoric, he had to admit that Yin Yan was indeed better at handling public affairs than he was.

Watching Yin Yan negotiate with Ma Pingchuan on one side while also taking care of his own affairs on the other, Lu Zhengming could not help but feel that Yin Yan had a certain parental quality. He was always the one arranging his so-called future.

Lu Zhengming did not like being handled that way, but he could not bring himself to dampen Yin Yan’s enthusiasm. Compared to his own parents, who had tried to replace emotional care with excessive material support, Yin Yan’s attention felt much warmer.

“I feel like a child around you,” Lu Zhengming murmured with his face buried in Yin Yan’s chest, his tone teasing as he gave a playful suck. “Your child.”

Yin Yan’s entire body stiffened. He quietly pushed him away.

“That’s a bit much, isn’t it?”

Sensing something off, Lu Zhengming laughed.

“Of course I’m joking. I don’t have a mommy kink. And definitely no daddy kink either. I just think you’ve done too much for me.”

Yin Yan had a smirk tugging at his lips.

“So my identity and position are acceptable now, aren’t they?”

Lu Zhengming’s face grew hot. Yin Yan still remembered what he had said back then. He coughed lightly.

“No issue at all. You’re my man. You’re just doing what’s best for me…”

“I am doing what’s best for you.” Yin Yan looked into his eyes and repeated the sentence with an odd seriousness. “I am doing this for your sake.”

Lu Zhengming thought the expression on his face looked strange. He was facing Yin Yan directly, but he could not catch his gaze. Yin Yan’s eyes seemed unfocused, hollow and lost. A haze seemed to rise again, wrapping around Yin Yan and making him feel very far away.

Lu Zhengming began stroking his body, warming him until the mist seemed to evaporate from the heat. Only when soaked in desire did Yin Yan feel exposed, real.

After they made love, Yin Yan’s expression returned to normal. He looked as gentle as always. That only reinforced Lu Zhengming’s belief that this was the only way he could temporarily reach beneath Yin Yan’s mask.

But this was as far as he could go. Yin Yan had not yet given him the right to peel it away.

In the end, Yin Yan and Ma Pingchuan struck a compromise. Yin Yan would not officially join the Pingyuan School, at least not yet, but he would participate in their exhibition as a special guest. After the exhibition concluded, he would “donate” a painting to the school.

Lu Zhengming was surprised.

“That’s the kind of trick you see in commercial shows. I’ve never heard of a proper exhibition that still tries to fleece artists. This school’s tactics are shady as hell.”

Yin Yan simply smiled and said nothing.

He had not refused Ma Pingchuan’s request.

The Pingyuan School’s exhibition opened earlier than the Contemporary Art Festival’s group show. While Lu Zhengming still had time on his hands, Yin Yan was already deeply involved in the wave of events surrounding the painting exhibition. There were symposiums, technique exchange sessions, press conferences, lectures, interviews, a full schedule from start to finish. Even someone as good with crowds as Yin Yan was running out of steam.

By the time the exhibition reached its midpoint, the Contemporary Art Festival was ready to open. In order to steal the spotlight, Ma Pingchuan pulled strings and invited several well-known figures from top art academies across the country to serve as guest judges. He also made their lectures free and open to the public.

Lu Zhengming could not help but comment again.

“Old Ma is really going all in.”

Yin Yan simply offered a faint smile and showed no interest in discussing the matter further.

Bored out of his mind, Lu Zhengming suggested they go see the exhibition. Yin Yan teased him, saying that if he had so much free time, he might as well help stretch canvases instead of torturing his eyes. Lu Zhengming burst out laughing.

“It’s been a while since I’ve heard you be this mean. Now I really have to see it.”

Unable to dissuade him, Yin Yan agreed and brought him to the Pingyuan Art Museum.

There were no scheduled events that day, and it was a weekday, so the exhibition hall had only a handful of visitors.

After making a round with Yin Yan, Lu Zhengming immediately felt guilty for having doubted him. In order to make the Pingyuan School of Painting appear more well-populated, Ma Pingchuan had recruited members from outside the Chinese painting department. The exhibition was filled with a wide variety of media. Traditional ink painting, oil painting, printmaking, lacquer art, watercolor, calligraphy, and even sculpture and graphic design. At first glance, it all seemed lively and diverse, but upon closer inspection, most of the works were rough and unpolished. Aside from a few professors from the art academy, most of the contributors were instructors from regular colleges, government clerks from cultural departments, or hobbyists from the general public.

Yin Yan’s work hung among them like a crane among chickens.

Lu Zhengming quickly lost interest. After less than ten minutes, he was ready to leave. Before exiting the hall, he decided to take one last look at Yin Yan’s piece. The small seascapes he had painted recently were intriguing. The texture of the rocks seemed even more substantial than before, though the color was more translucent.

As they walked, he asked about the technique.

“What did you use to build the texture? It looks so dry, like fresco work. I tried dusting plaster over latex once. Got the roughness, but when I started painting, the surface just sucked up all the oil. It was a disaster… Yin Yan, what are you looking at?”

He followed Yin Yan’s gaze. An older man was standing inside the barrier line, leaning in and touching one of Yin Yan’s paintings.

A surge of anger shot through Lu Zhengming. He forgot all about respecting his elders.

“Don’t touch that! Hey—sir!”

He started striding over to pull the man back, but Yin Yan stayed where he was and tugged lightly on his sleeve.

The man turned at the sound, and when he saw Yin Yan, he smiled warmly.

“Xiao Yin, what a coincidence.”

Lu Zhengming caught the flicker of shock in Yin Yan’s eyes before he quickly replaced it with a perfect smile, enthusiastic on the surface, but completely false. Only Lu Zhengming could see through it.

“Professor Dai, what brings you here?”

He stepped forward and shook hands with the man. They exchanged a few pleasantries, and Yin Yan introduced Lu Zhengming. After a polite nod of respect, Lu Zhengming fell silent and let Yin Yan take the lead.

Professor Dai offered a few comments on Yin Yan’s work, then explained why he had come.

“Pingchuan invited me. I wasn’t planning on it, to be honest. You know how it is, with the National Exhibition coming up, there’s a lot going on at the painting institute. We had a meeting the other day, and I ran into the old director, Pingchuan’s father. He happened to mention the show here, so I thought I’d come have a look. It’s been years since I was last in Pingyuan. Things sure have changed.”

“Yes, you see this Pingyuan Art Museum. From planning to construction, Dean Ma contributed a great deal. And the Pingyuan School as well…”

Yin Yan spoke like a true member of the school, introducing the Pingyuan School of Painting to Dai Wangyun. He casually mentioned the ongoing power struggle at the academy and Yao Shunyu’s Contemporary Art Festival, but he deliberately left out the fact that Lu Zhengming was one of the featured artists. Lu Zhengming stayed silent and played along. As someone affiliated with “the other side,” his position was indeed awkward.

Dai Wangyun nodded frequently, then shifted the subject with a smile.

“Why haven’t you joined the Pingyuan School yourself?”

Lu Zhengming thought to himself that the old man’s smile hid more than it revealed. He was not an easy one to deal with.

Yin Yan smiled too. He lowered his head and gave a humble reply.

“My paintings lack a clear stance. They don’t have much of a distinct style either. It’s difficult for me to integrate into such a defined school of thought. You see, even these pieces on display here look a little out of place.”

Lu Zhengming nearly laughed aloud. Yin Yan had just insulted them so smoothly that it sounded like praise. If you could not catch the subtext, you might have thought he was simply being modest.

Dai Wangyun laughed heartily and clapped Yin Yan on the shoulder.

“You really are not cut out for this circle.”

His words were equally vague. On the surface, he seemed to agree with Yin Yan’s opinion, but in reality, he had offered no actual response. He gave no advice about joining the Pingyuan School, nor did he promise to bring Yin Yan to Beijing.

They stood there in the gallery engaging in polite fencing, talking about everything and nothing. Conversations drifted from inside the art world to the world beyond, filled with names and references. Nothing was said clearly, and yet everything was being said. Lu Zhengming forced himself to keep up. He thought to himself that this kind of scene was truly beyond him. If Yin Yan had not been there, he would have made his escape long ago.

Yin Yan offered to treat Dai Wangyun to a meal and said he had a few bottles of Pingyuan Daqu liquor saved especially for him to try.

Dai Wangyun waved his hand. He had another meeting in the afternoon and would be having a working lunch over there. No matter how many times Yin Yan and Lu Zhengming tried to persuade him, he firmly declined.

They exchanged a few more polite words before parting ways at the entrance of the exhibition hall.

Yin Yan watched Dai Wangyun walk away. His smile slowly faded. Lu Zhengming looked at his face and once again saw that cold and tense expression. A flash of insight hit him. What he saw might be anxiety.

In his memory, Yin Yan was always composed and in control, able to handle anything with ease. But just now, it had felt like he was facing a real obstacle. His usual methods had completely failed against Dai Wangyun. No matter how subtly he probed, he had not received a single answer.

“That old man’s slippery as hell.”

Lu Zhengming wrapped his arm around Yin Yan, intending to take him somewhere to relax, but Yin Yan seized his hand tightly.

“Come to my place.”

Yin Yan drove in silence, pressing the car to its speed limit. Lu Zhengming had never seen him like this before. He tried to think of something to say, to break the stiff tension in the air, but before he could come up with anything, they had already arrived.

The moment they stepped inside, he was kissed against the door.

Yin Yan’s eyes were burning. His breath was hot against Lu Zhengming’s ear, and the warmth of it seemed to steam his whole face.

“I want to. Is that alright?”

The situation felt eerily familiar. Yin Yan had once again initiated sex without warning. Lu Zhengming did not know how to refuse, nor was he sure if he should. If this was how Yin Yan coped with anxiety, then he had no reason to say no. More than that, he thought of Yin Yan’s intensity and realized he had no desire to refuse him at all.

His mouth felt dry. He gave a silent nod, closed his eyes, and let that fire consume him.

What he saw before him was that night in May, when Yin Yan had traveled across the country just to be with him. From midnight until morning, they had not separated once.

Yin Yan was even more feverish this time, ramming into him with an almost desperate force, pressing him all the way into the bathroom wall. Their clothes were left scattered on the floor outside. Lu Zhengming grabbed his ass, massaging as he reached behind to find the right spot. But just as he touched it, Yin Yan caught his wrist and twisted his arm firmly behind his back.

Lu Zhengming struggled a little but quickly realized how tightly he was being held. He let out a laugh, half mocking and half breathless.

“What is this supposed to be? Rape play?”

Yin Yan gave no answer. He pressed on Lu Zhengming’s shoulder and turned him around. Lu Zhengming’s upper body was pushed against the wall. The cold ceramic tile touched his burning skin and made him suck in air through his teeth.

“You’re serious?”

A loud slap landed on his ass, and Lu Zhengming cried out. Yin Yan grabbed the spot he had just struck and kneaded the hot skin roughly. His cries turned low, slipping into broken moans.

To his dismay, Lu Zhengming realized that his body had already grown used to this kind of violence. Pain and pleasure, like two opposing pigments, blended on his skin into something exquisite. Once tasted, it was impossible to quit.

A year ago, he could not understand Yin Yan’s cravings. Now, at least, he had earned the right to say he truly understood. Yet he still could not figure out how their positions had reversed.

He could accept becoming the one who was hurt, but he did not understand how Yin Yan had so easily become the one doing the hurting. He even seemed to enjoy it more than Lu Zhengming ever had. He looked more at ease, more immersed. Lu Zhengming had been a complete beginner, nervous and unsure. But Yin Yan, though clearly untrained, exuded a certain force. Especially his eyes, they looked like they belonged to someone who had been in this world for years.

“Honestly, this is kind of… exciting…”

Lu Zhengming forced a smile, trying to mask the submissiveness in his posture with an air of control. Once again, he told himself that he was the one lowering himself, offering the experience of domination to the other man. And if that brought Yin Yan pleasure, then his own satisfaction would naturally follow.

But Yin Yan did not seem interested in indulging that narrative. After a few more strikes, the fragile illusion shattered.

Both sides of Lu Zhengming’s ass had turned red and swollen. His moans had grown hoarse, laced with the sting of pain. He no longer dared to act out. He obediently leaned against the wall, arching his back and lifting his hips like someone receiving corporal punishment.

Yin Yan nudged the inside of his ankle, and Lu Zhengming immediately spread his legs. His thighs parted along with the cleft of his ass, leaving everything in between completely exposed.

When Yin Yan’s fingers brushed against him, a sudden tension gripped Lu Zhengming’s whole body.

“Wait… I haven’t cleaned…”

Yin Yan pressed a hand against his waist.

“I’ll do it for you.”

He left him briefly. Lu Zhengming clenched up in unease. He knew what Yin Yan was looking for, and yet the anxiety only grew stronger. He had never douched in front of anyone before. Even when showering together, they had always understood when to give each other space. That line had never been crossed.

But the way Yin Yan was moving now, it was clear he intended to strip away even that last sliver of dignity. Lu Zhengming could not help but plead.

“No… don’t do this… please don’t…”

Yin Yan grabbed his face, kissed him with an intensity that allowed no room for protest, and spoke with a seriousness that bordered on solemn.

“I want to see all of you. From beginning to end. Every part. Completely.”

Lu Zhengming could not find a reason to say no. He could not look into those eyes and refuse.

His entire body flushed red with shame. He endured the overwhelming embarrassment and spread his legs again. When Yin Yan pressed the lubricated nozzle of the enema against his skin, Lu Zhengming trembled from head to toe. He turned his face away so Yin Yan could not see his expression.

In that moment, he felt like he was falling apart. And this was only the beginning. What followed would be even more degrading.

He clenched the muscles in his lower body while the thoughts in his head tangled into a chaotic knot.

He began to regret agreeing to this perverse game. He also started to doubt whether it was truly necessary to go this far for Yin Yan. Part of him wanted to break free from his control, shove him against the wall, and ask him why. Why, even after being conquered completely, was that not enough? Why did he still have to dig up the dirtiest, most unbearable side of him?

But… wasn’t this exactly what he wanted?

To be penetrated. To be seen. To be cared for.

Yin Yan had used this extreme method to lay him bare. In that moment, the physical intrusion felt like a metaphor, as if everything inside him, even on a spiritual level, could be acknowledged and accepted. Lu Zhengming could not reconcile the contradiction within himself. He had always longed for fusion. Now that it was truly happening, the one refusing to open up was himself.

“Ah…”

When Yin Yan inserted the nozzle, Lu Zhengming cried out uncontrollably. His gaze remained steady, just like the stream of warm water flowing into him. There was no resisting it. The warmth pressed deeper, filling him, flushing him out, and soothing him at the same time.

“Too hot?”

“It’s hot…”

“Should I adjust the temperature?”

“No. Don’t. Leave it like this. I want it hotter. I want to feel warm.”

“Zhengming…”

“It’s alright. I can take it. I want this.”

Yin Yan kissed him in silence. His fingers gently massaged the tight folds of skin, and thin traces of fluid leaked out, soaking his hand. He did not stop, and Lu Zhengming did not pull away. His face remained flushed, the rims of his eyes red and burning, as if tears were on the verge of spilling.

The long injection finally ended. But the crueler part had only just begun.

The liquid inside him suddenly shed its harmless disguise and began to churn violently in his gut. When the nozzle was withdrawn, several thin streams followed, dripping between his legs onto the floor.

Shame and intense abdominal pain tore through him. Lu Zhengming could not tell which was worse. Cold sweat drenched his forehead. His vision went dark. Blood trickled from the corner of his lips. He had bitten through his own tongue without realizing it.

After several more minutes, his legs could no longer support him. He trembled and collapsed onto the toilet seat. Curling forward, he held his abdomen and moaned continuously.

“Please… just leave…”

His voice came out as a whisper, unable to form words. Even at this final moment, he still lacked the courage to carry it through.

It was too humiliating. Too filthy.

Yin Yan knelt beside him, one knee on the floor. One hand steadied his shoulder while the other rested gently on his abdomen. He leaned his forehead against Lu Zhengming’s, rubbing softly.

“If it were me sitting here, would you leave me?”

Lu Zhengming kept his eyes tightly shut, panting heavily and shaking his head. He could no longer move much at all. The slightest exertion made his body collapse.

Yin Yan cradled his head and kissed the side of his temple, soothing him in a gentle voice.

“Think about when you were little. When you were just a baby. No one cared back then…”

Lu Zhengming held his breath, fighting back against the despair.

“Really, no one cared…”

That voice was like a lullaby, slowly stripping away his last bit of resistance. He felt his face sink into a warm embrace, and his entire body was wrapped in heat. It reminded him of something from a long time ago, a warmth that existed before memory, before anything else.

When he regained awareness, the burden inside him had already been released. The sound of the toilet flushing echoed in his ears.

He felt an overwhelming sense of relief. He also felt completely drained.

The process repeated several more times. He sat limply on the floor, feeling the warm water enter him, then flow out again. When Yin Yan asked him to lower his head, he obediently lowered it and watched the clear water trickle from his body and pool on the floor. He reached out and scooped up a bit of it, brought it to his face, and smelled it. It was colorless and odorless. Only then did he fully relax.

Yin Yan remained kneeling beside him, still smiling. He lifted Lu Zhengming’s fingers and brought them to his mouth, gently drawing them in between his lips.

Lu Zhengming closed his eyes again. Two lines of hot tears slid silently down his cheeks.

In a haze, he let Yin Yan lift him, wash his body, and carry him to the bed.

Every light in the room was on. Yin Yan’s eyes never left his body. The way he looked at him was focused, burning.

The first time, Yin Yan moved slowly. A drawn-out, full-bodied pleasure seeped into Lu Zhengming and left him unable to tell whether he was climaxing or simply floating in wave after wave of sensation. The entire experience felt like being submerged in warm water.

One thought took shape in his mind.

From beginning to end, he had been completely and utterly seen.

After a short rest, Yin Yan began again.

Lu Zhengming’s shame had already been rinsed clean. He opened himself fully to receive Yin Yan, using every position he could to please him and feel his increasingly intense desire. He thought of how stiff and hesitant Yin Yan had been a year ago, how different he was now. At the height of passion, Yin Yan even let out a few filthy curses that made Lu Zhengming’s ears feel violated.

Let the violation go deeper.

Lu Zhengming lay prone on the bed, his reddened ass raised high, being kneaded and spanked. The twisted pleasure kept layering upon itself. He gave in completely and began to whisper filth, seducing Yin Yan into treating him more roughly. Yin Yan did exactly that.

One man’s hunger and the other’s willingness melted together. One took, the other offered. One released, the other received.

To fill the void. To calm the anxiety. It was a kind of embrace even deeper than an embrace. In that burning fusion, they clung to each other, grasping for proof that they existed. Nothing else could drive off the void like this moment of sex. As they came together, they were not just letting go, but receiving something in return. An answer, a response, a new possibility that had already moved beyond the limits of shared self-gratification.

“Zhengming, are you mine?”

“Yes. I’m yours.”