Chapter 50. The Sinner Part 2

When the accident happened, Yin Yan was still pinned to the bed by the side effects of his medication, so dizzy that the room spun, yet not the least bit sleepy. It was not until nightfall that he finally staggered up to eat something and opened his phone to deal with the stream of messages, filled with shock and concern.

He composed dozens of replies. Reassuring the senders, reflecting on his own shortcomings, tossing in a few lighthearted, self-deprecating remarks. The effort left him thoroughly exhausted. Out of habit, he kept up his usual performance style. But the moment he set his phone down, everything struck him as absurd. He could not help but question the meaning of it all.

Persistent fatigue. A hollow sense of meaninglessness. All of it, of course, were symptoms. Whenever this happened, he treated it the way one might treat a cold, by swallowing an overdose of antidepressants. This kind of dosage wreaked havoc, worsening his chronic gastritis and making his symptoms harder and harder to control.

He was perfectly aware of all this.

But what else could he do?

Living meant atoning. Everything he did was to make sure he stayed alive. If this path were cut off, what reason would he have to live? Yin Yan moved the corner of his lips in a mechanical fake smile and unlocked his screen.

Dozens of missed calls and a flood of messages about Lu Zhengming. Several screenshots of news articles.

---

Maybe it was a survival instinct, but just before impact, Lu Zhengming had slammed on the brakes.

The vehicle was not badly damaged. Only a worker in the passenger seat of the truck, and Lu Zhengming himself, sustained minor injuries. But nearly all the artworks inside were destroyed. The packaging engineered for him could withstand jostling during transport, but not the force of a collision.

Lu Zhengming was the one who caused the accident. The financial cost, however, was not so simple. Medical bills, car repairs, and lost wages could all be calculated, but the value of the artworks could not. Fortunately, they were all his own. Had they belonged to someone else, he would have faced criminal charges, astronomical compensation, or even years in prison.

Lu Zhengming had no choice but to forgo insurance compensation and shoulder the loss himself. Being accused of insurance fraud by the company would have been just as devastating.

After being discharged from the hospital, they went directly to the traffic police station to resolve the case. Lu Zhengming did not haggle. He agreed to the compensation on the spot, apologized repeatedly to the workers, and even gave each of them a little extra as a goodwill gesture. Among all the consequences of the accident, money was the least of his concerns.

While following the traffic officer’s instructions, his mind drifted. Images layered and collided in his mind. He saw shattered sculptures, gauze-wrapped heads, the empty wall in the art district’s exhibition hall, and Ma Pingchuan’s special cigarettes….

“No smoking in here.”

Lu Zhengming looked up in surprise. The officer across from him pointed to the no-smoking sign on the wall. He had subconsciously pulled out a cigarette and was about to light it.

“Sorry,” he said, quickly stashing the cigarette away.

Deprived of nicotine to ease his nerves, Lu Zhengming grew increasingly agitated. He struggled to stay focused or at least limit his wandering thoughts to the images he had just conjured. But it was nearly impossible. From that tangled chaos, Yin Yan’s figure surfaced, growing more vivid and consuming his mind entirely.

“Fuck!” he blurted aloud.

Everyone looked up. Lu Zhengming quickly apologized and shoved his hand into his pocket, gripping the crumpled cigarette pack. He should have apologized to more people, but right now, the only person on his mind was Yin Yan.

These past few days, Yin Yan had not been in a good state. He was clearly putting on a show of normalcy, but what Lu Zhengming sensed was the complete opposite. The cracks in his mask were too deep. It was easy to see through, but behind that, there were things Lu Zhengming didn’t understand. Things that unsettled him. He began to wonder if getting into this accident had added more weight to Yin Yan’s burden. Despite what he claimed, Yin Yan wasn’t as unkind as he pretended. He would worry. He might even feel guilty. And if it got worse… something could happen.

Something could happen?

Lu Zhengming was startled by his own thoughts. He had no idea where that had come from. Yin Yan’s face flashed through his mind. There was something strange in his eyes. A kind of darkness. Every time he caught a glimpse of it, he felt chilled to the bone.

He shivered and forced himself to finish the remaining paperwork.

In the daytime, the plains were still as hot as summer. But at night, a cool breeze cut through the thin layers of clothing, reminding people that the easy days were over. The chill of winter was on its way.

As soon as he stepped out of the traffic station, Lu Zhengming felt the cold. His jacket was in the car, now towed away, so he had no choice but to brace himself and try to hail a ride home to take a hot shower.

But where was “home,” exactly?

His studio could barely be called a place to live. If he stopped paying rent, he would have to find another “home.” And that place had no one else in it. As for Yin Yan, he did have an apartment, and Lu Zhengming liked staying there, but something always felt missing between them. This fragile relationship they were maintaining, if they took one more step forward, would that really make them family?

Lu Zhengming had no confidence in that.

He was only sure that, physically, they were tangled together. Neither of them could leave the other. But beyond that… He slapped his own forehead. The wound on his head flared with sharp pain, bringing him back to himself, silencing all hope for anything more.

Wherever this love leads, let it lead, he thought bitterly.

He fished in his pocket and found the cigarette pack completely crushed. He crossed the street toward a convenience store, planning to buy another pack before catching a ride to his place. He did not want Yin Yan to see him in this pathetic state.

Several cars were parked along the sidewalk. As he neared the store entrance, the headlights of a white sedan flashed once. The driver’s side window rolled down, and Yin Yan waved to him.

Lu Zhengming froze, momentarily forgetting all about buying cigarettes. He walked to the passenger side, opened the door, and got in. The seat had been adjusted for his height. Yin Yan’s car wasn’t that uncomfortable after all.

“There’s yellow curbs all around the traffic station. I could only wait here.”

Before pulling away, Yin Yan reached into the glove compartment and handed him a pack of cigarettes, the brand he liked. He did not look at the bandage on Lu Zhengming’s head, and that made Lu Zhengming feel a little less self-conscious.

He held the pack, rubbing the plastic wrap. He had no urge to open it and fumbled for something to say. “How long have you been waiting?”

“Not long. I just got here.”

Yin Yan pulled the car off the sidewalk and picked up speed. He drove with focus. When Lu Zhengming asked a question, he answered briefly. He did not start a conversation.

At first, Lu Zhengming felt a little nervous, but then, without knowing why, he began to relax. Maybe it was the comfortable temperature inside the car, or maybe it was the fresh, clean air with no trace of cologne. Suddenly, he felt a strange, peaceful comfort. It was the kind of warmth that felt like coming home. He did not want to break the spell. He placed the cigarette pack back in the glove box. There were a few more packs in there, all his favorite brands.

He sat quietly for a while. When the car left the main road and turned down a side street, he pressed down on Yin Yan’s hand. “Pull over.”

Yin Yan glanced at the road. There were no no-parking signs, so he stopped at the curb. As soon as he pulled the handbrake, Lu Zhengming undid his seatbelt, leaned over, and kissed him.

He kissed with hunger, as if he meant to devour him whole. His mouth pulled at Yin Yan’s lips, teeth biting, tongue grinding, scouring every inch of his mouth. He had no idea what he was searching for, but he did not want to leave a single corner untouched.

He wanted to enter him. He wanted to go home.

In Yin Yan’s mouth, he felt warm and safe.

Yin Yan kissed him back tenderly, his hand sliding down into Lu Zhengming’s waistband. But Lu Zhengming caught his wrist, focused solely on the kiss. He just wanted to kiss him, even though his body was aching with hunger, and one kiss could never satisfy him. Blood rushed to his head, and the wound throbbed with heat and a faint itch. It might have started bleeding again, but he didn’t care.

He grabbed Yin Yan’s hand and pressed it against his heaving chest, panting as he said, “I love you.”

It was a strange time for a confession, but he could not see what he was trying to hide beneath it. He did not wait for Yin Yan’s reply. He simply sealed his lips with another kiss. He kissed too roughly, lips crashing into Yin Yan’s teeth and splitting open. Blood welled up in his mouth and slid down his throat as he swallowed.

But he shouldn’t have swallowed it. That blood should have gone into Yin Yan’s mouth. Yin Yan should have tasted it.

The thought jolted him. Lu Zhengming looked up, startled, and in Yin Yan’s eyes, he saw himself burning. Wild, hungry, and almost monstrous.

Blood welled from the split on his lip. Yin Yan leaned in and gently licked the wound, his eyes full of cautious inquiry.

No. Not like this. Don’t be so gentle.

Lu Zhengming impatiently pressed his lips harder against Yin Yan’s tongue, coaxing out another sharp tang of blood. Yin Yan cupped his neck in both hands, feeling the searing pulse beneath his skin, and the heat began to melt away all hesitation. He grew hotter too, enveloping Lu Zhengming’s bleeding lip and carefully tasting the tang of rusted iron.

It was the flavor of red. The flavor of fire. The flavor of being alive.

At that moment, the blood tasted like the very liquid he had once relied on to survive at the earliest point of life. All his hunger, fear, sorrow, confusion, found their answer in this act of sucking.

Yin Yan was burning now too. His kisses grew more intense. The blood vessels deep within Lu Zhengming’s wound burst open, spilling even more fresh blood, and all he felt was pleasure. What he longed for was being given to him by Yin Yan. It was a contradiction he could not explain, but it was exactly what he wanted. He was both giving and receiving.

And it was only a kiss.

He wanted more. He wanted to give more.

“Let’s go home, Yin Yan.” He rubbed his bandaged forehead against Yin Yan’s. “I want to go home.”

“Mm. Let’s go home.”