HPV 46

I tried so hard to run away, I wanted to run away, but in the end, I grew tired and collapsed.

Even as I stared blankly up at the sky, which had given me nothing but rain clouds, no answers came.

There was no path anywhere.

No matter how hard I racked my brain to recall every bit of game knowledge, I couldn’t find a way to cut off the cancerous demon clinging to me. Even at this very moment, it was gnawing at my heart. I might die tomorrow.

If I’m lucky, I’ll just die. More likely, I’ll turn into a demon’s host, spread madness like in the game, run wild, and eventually be caught and burned at the stake.

There really was no path.

Except for one.

The one path I never wanted to take.

I had to completely lay down my pride and confess everything to Yurichen. Strip myself bare.

Just like how, even when the cult members beat me and starved me, I never once cried and begged, I had thought I wanted to live preserving my pride.

But if the choice was mine to make, pride couldn’t outweigh my life.

If I spoke about their wrongdoings, Yurichen probably wouldn’t stand by and do nothing.

Maybe he’d even harbor ambitions to destroy the Rohin Temple entirely.

And if I spoke about the demon after that, maybe he’d show some leniency.

That was the only sliver of hope I dared to hold onto.

When Yurichen moved to leave, I grabbed his sleeve. He turned toward me gently.

I rose slightly on my toes and whispered in his ear, trying to minimize who could overhear.

“Could I request a Soul Conversation?”

The ‘Soul Conversation’ was what had happened when I first met Yurichen by the starlit river.

It’s a confidential talk used when a confessor seeks secret counsel and healing, or when priests discuss something urgent, or when one seeks a divine oracle.

“I have something I wish to say in private.”

Without even hesitating, Yurichen quietly said, “All right.”

It was such a small thing, but it gave me a tiny sense of hope.

During the day, Bzhan listened; during the night, Banwes listened.

In this group of people, all so outstanding, even speaking a single word in secret was difficult unless it was done inside the unconscious.

I lay neatly on the bed while Yurichen sat on the chair beside it.

When I closed and opened my eyes again, I stood before the familiar black river.

“Speak. I will listen.”

His calm attitude, as if dealing with any other believer, gave me a little more courage.

Don’t get swept up in emotions. Speak carefully.

These were things I had never once spoken aloud.

They had rotted inside me, like contaminants that would continue to fester if left untouched.

Where should I start?

Trying to trace back things I had deliberately avoided remembering in daily life, my mind instead went blank.

I waved my hand at Yurichen, asking silently for a little more time to gather my thoughts.

Tilting my head to the side, I stared at the water flowing past my right foot.

The water never stopped, always flowing forward, beyond the horizon, to places I could never reach.

Was there another land beyond, or was there a cliff where the water fell away?

As I watched the starry reflection on the water, small memories began to surface, gently stirring my heart.

The upper floors of The Order, now faint in my memory.

The rooms were white and clean.

At the end of my eight-year-old gaze, there was always a boy three years older than me.

He, like me, had been a candidate for the leader, but he lacked a bit of affinity compared to me and always seemed nervous.

Back then, I thought:

I don’t mind if I don’t become the leader… If Hancanera wants to be leader, he can be. I’d be happy as deputy-leader. He’s older than me anyway.

The spirit chose Hancanera.

I nodded lightly, without resentment.

I was truly happy he became the leader—but I was never made the deputy-leader.

“What are you doing!”

I was thrown into a cell in the depths underground and left to starve for three whole days.

“Please let me out! Please, please… please…”

Only after I had wasted away into a withered corpse was I finally dragged out.

Hancanera sat at the seat of honor.

When I saw him, I staggered to my feet and begged him for help with my hoarse voice.

And then, Hancanera’s order came:

“Slap him and stomp on him. Those who once believed Riarun would be the leader, if you follow my orders now, I’ll let you stay under me.”

They took turns slapping me.

Having had no food or water for three days, I was little more than a ragdoll at their feet.

Hancanera laughed as he looked at my swollen, battered face—

And then, calling it ugly, he healed my wounds, showing off his power.

When I next opened my eyes, I realized I was no longer in the underground cell.

The high priest’s golden eyes were waiting for me.

I felt like I knew where to begin now.

All I could hope for was that, while telling this story, I wouldn’t break down crying.

“…When I said I didn’t want to tour the temple that day…”

But the words that came out of my mouth were completely different.

I panicked.

If I could have, I would have looked down at my own lips in shock.

Again—try again.

“It’s really because I was tired. It wasn’t because I was afraid of Banwes…”

What’s wrong with me? I’m supposed to talk about the Order.

My facial muscles, voice, even my gestures—all moved naturally.

No trace of the struggle happening inside me showed on the outside.

“Surprising. Was Riarun always such a timid person, sneaking around to whisper such trivial things through a Soul Conversation?”

Yurichen, unaware of anything, sounded baffled.

My heart dropped with a heavy thud.

This isn’t right.

I had just sincerely decided to confess everything.

It felt like something was controlling me, preventing me from speaking about the temple…

Fine, I’ll write it down!

Since this was inside my unconscious, if I focused, I could conjure paper and a pen out of the air.

I hastily wrote the word “Order.”

Temple.

Even my hands betrayed me.

“Yes, the temple, of course. In that case, shall I give you a tour another day? Although we will leave the duchy tomorrow, when we return to the capital, you could visit the temple where I serve…”

Yurichen’s voice seemed to fade, until I couldn’t hear him at all.

My mind went blank.

I couldn’t believe what was happening to me.

The church. I want to talk about the church!

“Sounds good. Please show me around sometime.”

I have no intention of visiting the temple!

If I didn’t talk about the Order first, I’d end up accused of being a demon worshipper and be despised…

Inside my mind, I thrashed and screamed, like my younger self enduring the members’ beatings.

But outwardly, my body only smiled brightly, finishing the conversation with Yurichen as if nothing was wrong.

Even as Yurichen left the room and I was left alone on the bed, I still couldn’t do anything.

For a moment, staring blankly at the ceiling, strange noises leaked from my mouth.

“Ugh, hhic…”

There was only one thing I had managed to accomplish: I hadn’t cried in front of Yurichen.

—

Technically speaking, Yurichen hadn’t heard many confessions from commoners visiting the temple.

It wasn’t in his nature, and his time spent as an ordinary priest had been very short, thanks to his innate divine power.

Maybe that’s why.

Maybe I wasn’t the type of person who easily gained trust.

He thought back to the starlight that had shone in Riarun’s unconscious smile.

It would have been nice if Riarun had called him to talk about the church.

If that were the case, he would have promised to protect him in the name of Gaoih—and completely dismantled the Order.

Maybe Riarun still needed more time.

Yurichen wasn’t exactly a patient man, but for now, he decided he could wait.

It’s not like Riarun would suddenly die or disappear.

—

Holding back tears was something I was used to.

Honestly, by now, I wasn’t even sure I remembered how to cry properly.

When I cried, the Order members laughed.

That’s how I learned not to cry.

But this time, I kept wiping my eyes endlessly with my sleeve.

Even though the skin around my eyes stung and burned, I was too afraid to let the tears fall.

What did I do so wrong?

Of course I had done wrong.

I had let the cursed demon into my body.

A strong demon, one that even Gaioh’s priests didn’t know about.

My very existence was wrong.

Even Banwes would sometimes mutter that I was filthy, mentioning the demon inside me.

I should have listened.

I should have realized that Banwes was right.

If I had, I wouldn’t be this shocked now.

I would have been prepared.

I would have accepted more easily that I was destined to be alone forever.

Click.

The door handle turned.

Someone was trying to come in.

Panicked, overwhelmed by guilt, I hastily wiped my eyes.

Standing in the doorway, after having been unseen for so long, was Banwes.