IOB Ch 11

Thud. Click. The doorknob turns smoothly.

The door, which had been closed for ten days straight, was not locked today. I expected it to catch on the latch with the usual clatter, but this unexpected situation left me momentarily dazed.

The door, which had seemed like an impregnable fortress, now looks as soft as cotton. It’s as if it’s warmly inviting me to step inside. As I reach out toward the door, I imagine myself being sucked right in.

Beyond it, he is sleeping.

Why did he leave the door unlocked today, of all days? He always treated me like a criminal, locking the door tightly before going to bed. Is he sending some kind of signal? To commemorate the day we first kissed and even signed a contract?

But he said he doesn’t like me.

He’s going to marry another woman.

To him, today’s kiss probably means nothing. For me, it was my first everything. When you find someone you truly want to spend your life with… I was saving it for that moment…

My hand, gripping the doorknob, tightens. The veins on the back of my hand tremble and bulge. I suspect he’s mocking me. He’s exactly the kind of person who would do that.

It’s been a long time since I felt the urge to kill someone. On the way back from his meeting with that woman, sitting in the passenger seat of his car, I practiced meditative breathing.

As I stared at the back of his hand, slightly rolling up his shirt to grip the steering wheel, I felt the urge to bite it at least a dozen times. I imagined him, startled, letting go of the wheel, and me yanking it to swerve into the oncoming lane. Just then, a truck was speeding toward us from the opposite direction. Would we die if we crashed into it? Dying together here wouldn’t be so bad.

That’s how angry I was. The shock was overwhelming. I was sure he liked me too. No, we were destined to be that way.

Choi Yisak, that bastard…

He’s a filthy dog of a man. He says he’s going to marry another woman, yet he kisses me, moaning and writhing with his whole body. Only dogs act that sleazy. Bastard, bastard…

My entire body convulsed. Standing in front of the door, I bowed my head and waited for the trembling to stop. The words he said today swirled chaotically in my mind. It was all dissonance. My head felt like it was splitting. I couldn’t control the stored-up noise.

“Mr. Seonrim, why’s your expression like that? What were the contract terms we talked about earlier?”

“Will you tell me when we get home?”

“Come on, don’t make me nervous. Look at me.”

In the car, he was so careful with me, but once we got home, he turned into a different person. He was scared of me, even backing away as if trying to escape.

Seeing him like that made me want to act on the words I’d spat out in anger even more. I’ll have sex with him and taint him. Of course, in that moment, I’d be tainting myself too. I was so angry that I was willing to throw away the purity and beliefs I’d upheld for so long, even defying my teacher’s teachings.

I always found it strange how casually others had sex. I could never do that. I didn’t want to be intimate with anyone unless they were the one person who perfectly resonated with me. I thought it was a waste of energy, a bothersome act devoid of reason.

Just one person. If I didn’t meet that person, I planned to die in a state of detachment. That conviction had never wavered.

He was that one person for me. That much is certain. It was Choi Yisak who made me this way in the first place.

So how could he look at me with those eyes while planning to be with someone else?

If it was going to be like this, why did he come to me?

Out of all the instruments, who was it that made me obsess over the piano alone?

I didn’t care about the piano originally. He was the one who tied me to those black-and-white keys.

But he doesn’t even remember.

“Just force yourself to do it. You’re stronger than me, aren’t you?”

And then he spews bastardly words like that, as if sex means nothing.

Even if I touched him and had sex with him, it’s as if such things wouldn’t affect him in the slightest. No matter how hard I try, I’m just someone who can’t even taint him.

“Huff, huff…”

The more I recalled our earlier conversation, the tighter my throat felt. My eyes throbbed. The intense urge to kill surged again.

Click. I finally opened his bedroom door, as quietly as possible.

The blackout curtains blocked every bit of the city’s dawn light, plunging the room into pitch-black darkness. I stood still, blinking a few times until my eyes adjusted. As silhouettes began to take shape, I slowly approached him.

A large bed was tucked into the corner of the room. Beside it was a small nightstand. The rest of the space was empty. I heard his steady breathing as he lay flat on his back, fast asleep. Holding my breath, I reached the side of his bed.

I cautiously touched the mood lamp on the nightstand, casting a dim light. The darkness softened, and I could see him. Standing tall, I gazed down at him.

“…”

Time must have passed like that for quite a while. My lower back ached slightly from standing in one position for too long.

He’s still defenseless. Those harsh words he said to me… that he fooled around shamelessly, that my kiss meant nothing… to say such bastardly things and still sleep so peacefully. What if I had malicious intentions?

I’m someone who knows goodness and propriety. Even if I wanted to wrap my hands around his sleeping throat, I could hold back. Just hours ago, I wanted to bite those lips that had touched mine, but I restrained myself.

I don’t understand why he doesn’t like me.

Since he doesn’t seem to remember, I won’t use the word “fate.” Still, we’re a perfect pair. He understands my music, and I understand his desires. We’re bound to fit together seamlessly.

His foolishness and stupidity make my teeth grind. The idea that he’d choose to spend his life with someone else makes his head seem despicable. I want to pry open those softly closed lips and ravage them. Would it feel satisfying to pull and bite the tongue that spoke such cruel words to me?

No, it wouldn’t.

I grew melancholic. It’s been a long time since I felt sadness. I was sad. How can love go so wrong? I didn’t want to forgive him, but I couldn’t bring myself to punish him. His sleeping face was too angelic.

Maybe it’s because his bangs are neatly covering his forehead, unlike when he’s heading to work. He looks younger than usual. Even though he’s a wretched person who knows nothing of love, he’s beautiful when he sleeps. Damn it… it’s infuriating.

The resolves I made when signing that contract scattered. I had planned to taint him with sex, ruin his marriage, and then get rid of him or myself. I even thought it’d be fine if we both disappeared. But as I calmed myself, realizing this anger had an end, I managed to regain some composure.

But could I really do that?

My legs gave out, and I crouched down. I gripped my knees tightly with both hands and glared at him. It’d be so easy to block that nose, steadily breathing. Crushing his face with my palm would be simple. The hard part was reaching out that far.

As I watched my trembling fingertips, I realized my love was real. And that made it even more absurd. To devote such… immense purity… and yet he doesn’t like me…?

It doesn’t make sense. Choi Yisak is the worst.

I hate how he treats my purity like filth. No, I want to hate him. I hate myself for letting this unforgivable, wretched person off so easily.

If I can’t come to hate him or harm him, what will happen to me? I thought about it deeply, but the pain made me stop. The moment I imagined him holding someone else’s hand and walking into a wedding, my insides twisted, and my head shook.

It’s horrific. I thought I was a lucky person. I thought the world was always kind to me. It wasn’t. An unfamiliar despair filled me completely.

“Mmm…”

Just then, he mumbled, still sleeping like the dead. I held my breath and watched his body twitch. He stirred, turning toward me and lying on his side. Oh, I can see his face. His cheek was slightly pressed against the pillow, a small gap between his lips.

So cute…

I wanted to slip my index finger into his mouth. I instinctively reached toward his face but pulled back. I grew melancholic again. Hesitating even to put a finger in a sleeping person’s mouth? I can’t even manage that much. I must have become as foolish as him from being around him.

Leaning against the nightstand, I drowned in overwhelming melancholy. I want to die…

His voice still echoed in my head. To cover the chaotic dissonance, I took his breathing and layered it over. I erased his cruel words with his breaths. A somewhat satisfying melody began to emerge.

I flicked my fingers like I was playing the piano and slowly rolled my eyes. To catch more sounds, I scanned the surroundings. Hummm, the soft hum of the air purifier. Rustle, the sound of his toes brushing against the blanket.

Sadly, the digital clock on the nightstand was silent. But next to it, I found something. A torn packet of pills labeled “Zolminjeong.” Sleeping pills.

He must have taken them before bed. No wonder he was sleeping so deeply. Does he take them regularly? I didn’t know he had insomnia. He always went into his bedroom alone and locked the door.

So the night isn’t kind to you either.

A realization hit me, and strangely, my boiling heart calmed a little.

Why? I wondered what lurked in his dawn. What tormented his nights? What sounds filled his nightmares…?

After that one stir, he moved more frequently. His sleep seemed to lighten. Then I checked the clock—it was almost 6 a.m. I’d spent the whole night by his bedside.

It was time for him to get up and prepare for work. I stood slowly, clutching my stiff legs. I watched his eyes roll under his eyelids for a moment, then bent down. Kiss. I left a light kiss on the lips I’d wanted to ravage.

Realizing how soft I was toward him, I left the room, weighed down by melancholy. After staying up all night, a resolve formed.

This won’t do. I have to be with him.

I’ll remove every obstacle in the way. Except for Choi Yisak. He’s the biggest barrier to our love, but getting rid of him seems impossible. Instead, I’ll eliminate the others he’s fooled around with, one by one… until maybe, in the end, it’s just me.

Suddenly, I felt a bit better. My bloodshot eyes throbbed and stung, but I didn’t care and headed to the practice room. I wanted to play the piece I’d composed during the dawn. Right now. And I’d ask him to give it a title.