ITDW 0 – Prologue

I’m not sure when exactly I started having a one-sided love for hyung. I thought it was always the affectionate love one has for a family member. But perhaps I’ve been looking at hyung with these same eyes since I was very young. I always wanted to have hyung all to myself. Even considering that he acted as my guardian, I think that possessiveness was a little out of the ordinary.

I would sometimes try to recall the oldest moment I fell for hyung, but I always failed to pinpoint a specific time. This was because an even earlier moment would invariably follow. Perhaps it was from when we lived together in Chuncheon, or before that, when hyung came to the U.S. to get me, or even before that, when he would lift me, a kindergartener, into his arms and play with me. It was always like that.

Hyung was a demanding guardian. His standards were high, he was very controlling, he didn’t tolerate any dissatisfaction with the direction he set for me, and he was very strict. As I was thirteen years his junior, I was, in most cases, absolutely obedient to him, so our relationship was stable, without a single instance of being warped. Hyung and I were a good match.

That stable relationship was a great comfort, but it gradually began to take root as a source of agony. The more I thought about hyung, the more I dreamed of him, the more I would yearn for his presence right beside me. An unattainable illusion seemed so vivid, as if it were right before my eyes. In front of hyung, I couldn’t even breathe too loudly, so I was only in agony, not even daring to confess these feelings.

But, even so, it wasn’t any more comfortable to just hold on to my feelings for him. It was like anxiously watching a balloon inflate somewhere inside me, as if it were about to burst. Worrying that it would pop at any moment.

But to take out even a little of that heart that I had kept treasured in a deep place and let its scent waft out—wouldn’t that be a sin? He and I are real, blood-related brothers.

“Even if it is a sin, it can’t be helped.”

I looked again at the letter I had placed carelessly on the desk.

To my beloved Jungyoon.

That love letter started with those words. The writer’s personality was embedded in the text. Warm, delicate, and beautiful, the words spoke of love. The handwriting was neat, too.

When I look into your eyes, I feel that settling down, being tied to someone, might actually be what sets me free. When we come to bridge the gap between us, can we promise that such a day will come someday?

And the letter continued on for a while with abstract, metaphorical expressions about experiences only the two of them would know.

Yeongsik.

The letter ended like that. After it was the date. Five years ago from now. Hyung had been in a relationship with a person named Yeongsik. The fact that he didn’t throw this letter away and kept it in the back of a drawer—was it because it had a meaning worth cherishing? Could it be that this person is still somewhere in his heart?

I grew restless. Various emotions mixed together indiscriminately. There was jealousy, of course, but on the other hand, honestly, there was also relief. That name, Yeongsik. It must be a man’s name. It was okay for hyung to be with a man. This new discovery made me excited in a way I rarely was. Perhaps a gay orientation is genetic.

I took out my journal and started to write down a plan without thinking. Can I really do this? I had my doubts, but I started by writing down the small things first. I didn’t write in Korean but in my own code. This was a plan that must never be discovered before it was complete—whether before or during its execution. If I wrote it in a commonly used script instead of my own code, the probability of hyung finding it was high. I already have a prior record.

1. Kiss hyung when he’s asleep.

This, I should be able to do. But what’s certain is, I can’t do it in my current state. Absolutely not. If the sensitive hyung suddenly wakes up and looks at me, what excuse will I make? Anyway, next is.

1. Kiss hyung when he’s conscious.

Hmm, is that possible? The difficulty gap with plan number 1 is too big. I need an intermediate step. I erased number 2 and wrote again.

1. Kiss hyung when he’s dead drunk.
2. Kiss hyung when he’s conscious (acting like I’m being clingy?).
3. Kiss (how? I don’t know…).
4. Sex (if possible—might never happen in my lifetime).

I read my plan, which even looked simple, several times over. Ah… but the actions implied by these short sentences or words were, they were, definitely not simple. It’s so absurd that it’s embarrassing to call it a plan. I can’t even gauge if it’s feasible. Still, the reason I wrote it down is because there’s something else I believe in.

The time may come when I can carry out these reckless things one by one. At least when that time comes, I’ll be able to do number 1 right away. I mean, during my next hypomanic episode. In other words, the plans above are a list of things I can only do when I’m hypomanic. I don’t know when that will come. I’m going to try to use my handicap, my bipolar disorder.

I folded Yeongsik’s love letter neatly, put it back in its envelope, and returned it to the corner of the fourth drawer of hyung’s desk. I was careful to leave no trace of it having been touched.

It’s almost time for my tutor to arrive. Before that, I have to eat the lunch hyung prepared, put on the clothes hyung picked out, and wait for the teacher. After being taught by the teacher hyung designated, I have to do my best to finish the amount of studying hyung set for today, then eat dinner with the menu that hyung also instructed, organize what I studied today to report to hyung, wash up, and when hyung comes home, I’ll undergo various daily inspections starting with a check of my studies, then take the medicine hyung gives me, and go to sleep. Hyung is lenient these days, so he might let me read a favorite book before bed.

I miss hyung.