ITDW 1

They say the weather on the day of the CSAT is bitterly cold because of the deep resentment of the test-takers, but today was an exception. Jaeri, thinking the weather was rather warm, trudged out of the test site and got into the car that was waiting not far away.

Everything felt half-hearted. The weather was half-hearted, the time of day that was neither afternoon nor evening was half-hearted, his test scores would likely be the same, and his current mood—all of it. That ambiguity, not knowing if it was good or bad, was not welcome right now.

The tension that had filled his entire body during the exam dissipated, and a sense of emptiness filled him like a shadow. The hollow wind that entered and exited his chest made his veins ache. He wondered what this was all for, why he had suffered for years for a test of just a few hours, what the result of that suffering would be, and if only disappointment would remain.

He had a premonition that he wouldn’t be able to get into S University, his target school. He could just tell, even without a preliminary scoring.

He had been scolded by his hyung for not completing his study quota, but never for bad grades, though he couldn’t be sure if it would be the same this time. It was a little annoying that even at this moment, he was worrying about his hyung’s reaction. He just wished he had done a little better; he was deeply disappointed in his own lack of ability, which would disappoint his hyung over a problem like this. Idiot, moron…

“You worked hard, young master.”

“Where’s hyung?”

Jaeri lay down in the back seat, staring at the car’s ceiling as he asked Driver Yoon briefly.

“He said he’s coming to the main house.”

“To the main house, we’re going?”

He had thought he would just have dinner with his hyung somewhere out.

“You should.”

“…I’ll call hyung.”

Driver Yoon glanced at Jaeri lying in the back seat through the rearview mirror, then used his own phone to call his hyung and switched it to speakerphone. The boy was in a state of lethargy. In his lethargic state, he found it difficult to even move a finger, so the call had to be made for him.

—  Yes.

“Vice President, the young master is out. I’ll put him on now.”

— Alright.

“Hyung… it’s me.”

— It’s you, Jaeri.

The voice Jaeri had missed the most called his name. Jaeri briefly engraved the sound in his mind. Hyung had said, ‘It’s you, Jaeri.’

“…”

— Are you very tired?

“…Yes.”

— You don’t want to go to the main house?

“No.”

— Still, on a day like this, it’s proper etiquette to see Father, right?

Jaeri bit his lip hard. Jungyoon’s low, sweet voice was so imposing that it was impossible to offer any retort.

“…Hyung,”

— Answer.

“…Yes.”

He held back a sob that was rising in his throat.

— See you soon.

“See you later, hyung…”

The short call ended. It’s really hard. I hate this. I don’t know why I have to go to the main house on such a difficult day, and I hated my family for trying to show their familial love in their own way without considering me. Still, hyung, of all people, I thought he would know every detail of what I was feeling and would let me rest comfortably, just for today, if I said I didn’t want to go.

It took quite a while to arrive at the main house. He thought about sleeping a little to relax his mind, but it felt like he could still hear his low voice in his ear. Jaeri kept replaying what he had said over and over. Then he became extremely sensitive and entered a state of wakefulness, and only the sensation of layered fatigue became vivid.

He passed through the garden, getting hit by the fluttering sleet. He couldn’t find any vitality of the grass in the scent rising from the lawn. Because it was winter. Driver Yoon ran up and held an umbrella over him. He didn’t have the strength to push away the umbrella being held for him, so he just kept walking.

Jaeri didn’t care whether he was hit by sleet or not. As he passed the garden of lacebark pines, some over 300 years old, and the marble colonnade built to an intimidating height, he didn’t take any of it in. He wanted to be numb to all the scenery. To perceive it, but not to feel it. He was too tired for that.

When he reached the entrance, Driver Yoon took a handkerchief from his pocket and wiped the water droplets from Jaeri’s hair and face. Jaeri, without resistance, quietly accepted the careful touch, then passed through the door that was opened for him.

“Welcome.”

“Father, have you been well?”

“Of course. You’ve worked very hard.”

“It’s nothing, it’s something every high school senior in the country goes through.”

Jaeri’s father, Chairman Kim, greeted Jaeri warmly and pulled him into a large embrace, patting him. Next was his older sister, and then his older brother.

Jungyoon placed a large hand on his somewhat downcast shoulders, lowered his head, and looked directly into Jaeri’s eyes. Jaeri knows that when his hyung stares at him so intently, as if he’s trying to see inside his very eyes, it’s to grasp his mood and condition. Met with the unprepared eye contact, he lowered his gaze.

But unlike the piercing, blue gaze, the warmth of the hand on his shoulder was gentle, and the familiar scent, so distinct he could draw it, rose waveringly from under his chin and enveloped the space. That ordinary and serene sensation began to calmly soothe him, as if breaking off each and every branch of his sharply on-edge nerves, one by one.

The eyelashes that created a mane-like shadow under Jaeri’s eyes slowly lowered and then rose again. This time, he met the gaze that was fixed on him without discomfort.

What is hyung feeling right now, could he be angry… For realizing I didn’t do well on the test, for not wanting to come to the main house… Or is hyung also uncomfortable with this occasion today, he looked like he didn’t sleep well yesterday. If so, hyung gets sensitive.

Just as Jaeri was about to get dizzy with petty worries again, Jungyoon patted his shoulder as if to comfort him. Each time his hand brushed over him a couple of times, the heat sent a shiver of goosebumps running down the skin beneath the clothes he wore like armor.

“Now, now, let’s have dinner. I told them to prepare what you like.”

At the sudden sound of his father’s voice, the eldest son let go of the youngest. The time he had held the boy was but a moment, but for the boy, the concentration of that time was particularly dense.

The menu was certainly tailored to Jaeri’s taste. Soft and bland types of food. Jaeri didn’t touch anything with a tough or dry texture because it was a hassle to chew, and he didn’t eat hard fruits like apples either.

Despite that consideration, seeing the youngest son being unusually quiet today, the family didn’t dare ask how he did on the CSAT. Jaeri just ate dinner quietly with perfect table manners.

Jaeri’s older sister, Yoonjae, prefaced her words as if to say, ‘I’m not saying this because I think you must have done poorly on the test,’ and then spun a truly vague and long-winded consolation, with Chairman Kim agreeing with her sentiment from time to time. However, despite their efforts, the boy showed little reaction. On a normal day, he might have responded more actively, but he had no energy today. The consolation was a thankless task. Only Jungyoon did not make any unnecessary effort and ate in silence.

At Chairman Kim’s order, ‘The youngest looks tired, so you all should head home and rest,’ Jungyoon and Jaeri left the main house right after dinner.

On the way home. His eyes stung from the red lights pouring out of the cars packed tightly on the dark road. Jaeri sat in the passenger seat of the car Jungyoon was driving and looked down at his own lap.

While lost in his own thoughts, a sound broke the silence. Jungyoon was tapping the steering wheel with his index finger. Tap, tap. In that instant, Jaeri almost unconsciously braced himself, straightened his back, and adjusted his posture.

It was a sign that something had bothered him, and that he would soon bring that discomfort to the surface in full detail. Given Jungyoon’s personality, the fact that he was choosing his words meant that, at the very least, a major scolding was in order, and a sense of urgency arose, as if a guilty conscience needed no accuser, that he had to say something, anything.

Jaeri’s voice came out, unable to hide its urgency.

“Hyung, I… I don’t think I can get into S University. If you tell me to, I’ll retake the year.”

Jaeri had been thinking all through dinner about what to say to Jungyoon. This seemed to be the best he could come up with. The goal he had set was S University. He knew that trying his best and struggling wouldn’t be a good excuse for the poor result.

“If I tell you to, of course you have to.”

“Yes…”

A chill filled the air. The boy looked at him, but he only stared straight ahead. He could see his closed lips, and it didn’t take long to realize that he was angry about something other than the test results.

“Give me an excuse for why you were so sulky the whole time at the main house, as if you did something to be proud of.”

“…”

“Is that how I taught you?”

“…No…”

“I said I’d overlook you being clingy, I never said it was okay to act impolitely.”

“…I was wrong.”

The strictness embedded in his low, soft voice felt like it was tearing through his heart. His hyung was particularly insistent on etiquette at the main house. He felt hurt. Today was a day when truly all the high school seniors in the country were being comforted, and he thought he must be the only one getting scolded for being a little sulky at the family dinner table. Besides, you know very well that I’m in a depressive period right now. Hyung hadn’t offered even a single word of comfort like his sister or father had.

I was having a hard time and I missed you a lot, hyung, please don’t scold me.

But the words in his heart, as always, remain unspoken.

He was ashamed of crying, so he pretended to look out the window while making a futile effort to force the tears back into his eyes. The trail of the completely unexpected flood of emotions was left behind as bewilderment. The boy’s cheeks turned red. In the quiet car, the sound of heavy droplets soaking into his coat, tap, tap, was heard with extreme clarity in his own ears. It was a pathetic thing. So, so pathetic.

He didn’t want to get caught crying, but his nose started running, and he had to sniffle.

Jungyoon silently took a handkerchief out of his inner pocket and placed it on the boy’s thigh, but with his hyung’s handkerchief, he couldn’t bring himself to blow his nose freely and only wiped away the clear mucus. A faint scent of his hyung emanated from the handkerchief as well. In front of the perfect him, Jaeri was ashamed of everything.

To calm his tears, he drew pictures with his finger on the fogged-up car window. If he focused only on the drawing, he could calm his uncontrollable heart a little. He drew a few flowers and a few clouds. After some time, the tears subsided, and his nose stopped running.

“Call Father and tell him you’re sorry.”

“…Right… now?”

A stuffy sound came out. He couldn’t tell if it was because of his nose that he hadn’t cleared properly or because of his suppressed emotions.

Hyung didn’t answer. The boy took his phone out of his bag.

A short ringing tone was heard, and soon his father’s voice echoed in the car.

— Oh, yes Jaeri, are you home?

“Father… not yet. We’re on our way.”

— I see, is there a bit of traffic?

“Yes. Father, I, during dinner, I didn’t talk much… It’s been a while since I saw you, but I acted hatefully, I was wrong… I was having a hard time because I didn’t do as well on the CSAT as I’d hoped, and I acted selfishly without even thinking about your feelings. Please forgive me.”

— …Oh my. Our youngest, you were feeling down. I understand. That can happen… Did your hyung tell you to call?

“No, it’s because I was wrong.”

— Alright. Don’t worry about it. It’s okay.

“Yes.”

— Go home and get some good rest. You should do some fun things and play for a while.

“Yes, I will.”

— Okay, then head on home.

“Yes, Father.”

The call between the father and son, who had little to say beyond the matter at hand, ended quickly. An awkwardness grated between the benevolent voice and the polite one.

“Connect me to Yoonjae.”

As soon as the call with his father ended, his hyung spoke as if giving him the next assignment. The boy, feeling like he was doing homework, called his older sister.

— Hmm, Jaeri? You’re calling me right after talking to Father? Why, to say you’re sorry?

“Yes… noona.”

— Oppa made you do it.