ITDW 14

Jungyoon would easily give permission if there was no problem, and if something was not allowed, he would simply explain the reason and not permit it. Every time that happened, Jaeri would think, what was so difficult about this? Still, what was difficult remained difficult.

Even after receiving his noona’s card, he felt more guilt than excitement at the widened range of choices. When there was something he really wanted to do, but for some reason, it was too hard to tell his hyung. He had thought he should use it then, probably during a period when his depression had worsened, and had tucked it deep inside a drawer.

“I understand why you did it.”

“Yes…”

Jungyoon said he would let it go this time, and pulled Jaeri into his arms, patting him gently. Jaeri, who until just a moment ago had bolted all the emotional floodgates in preparation for the moment when words of freedom, or in other words, abandonment, might come from him, couldn’t control his emotions as they were released in an instant and tried to swallow his bursting sobs.

For his hyung to wield him as he pleased, there would be no better tool than the fear of abandonment. And yet, the fact that he didn’t use that method, its weight, felt like the weight of armor he had put on a naked him, telling him not to get hurt anymore.

Jungyoon controlled, and Jaeri accepted control. Based on that relationship, the two were able to be together for a long time. And if there was a deviation from that orbit, Jungyoon would find the cause and try to correct it; he wouldn’t rashly shake the orbit itself. That was his affection for Jaeri.

He usually didn’t have many grievances, but it would look like he had piled up a lot, he worried needlessly. And yet, he couldn’t stop his tears. The patting hand remained calm.

“You get scolded by me every other day, what were you so scared of?”

“…I don’t know.”

“Still, you can’t go around accepting cards from other people, right?”

“Yes…”

“If something like this happens again, you’ll really get a scolding then.”

“Yes, I won’t do it again.”

Jaeri answered diligently, even as he stammered because of his crying.

Jungyoon’s anger was boiling, but the target of his anger was someone else. Someone who bore more direct responsibility for this issue, and who, being much more mature, could not evade that responsibility; someone who didn’t listen to reason.

Jungyoon sat the boy, who couldn’t easily calm down and kept trying to swallow his tears, in a chair at the dining table. He boiled water, steeped chamomile leaf tea in a teapot, and offered a cup to Jaeri. Sitting across from him and having a cup of tea himself, he spoke while waiting for Jaeri to regain his composure on his own.

“Jaeri.”

“Yes, hyung.”

“From now on, if something comes up that’s hard to tell me, what should you do?”

“…Even if it’s hard, I have to, tell, you…”

“I’m asking because you can’t do that.”

“…I’ll try…”

“…Write it down and bring it to me. If you can’t even do that, then leave it on the desk in my study when I’m not here.”

“Yes.”

Saying this much, Jungyoon thought that his own temper had become quite mild, at least when it came to Jaeri.

Outwardly, he was a workaholic, smart, and gentle person. His business performance was also good, so he had a good reputation within the company. That was why people who only knew him superficially often saw him as a perfect person who combined ability with humanity.

His old and close acquaintances thought of him as a control freak with an overbearing personality and a nasty temper.

But to Jaeri, Jungyoon was neither. Although he controlled Jaeri to his own liking, there were many times he couldn’t wield his temper as he pleased. That was also partly due to the boy’s nature. During a hypomanic period like now, the hypomanic symptoms naturally caused such impulses, so it was hard to say too much to the kid, and during a depressive period, his heart ached at scolding a kid with depression. Jungyoon was like that, even though he wasn’t a particularly compassionate person. It was because the boy had such sad eyes, because he would silently accept his punishment as ordered without a single word of excuse.

However, with Jaeri’s recent string of rebellions, it was very hard to kill his temper. Above all, ever since he learned about Jaeri’s drinking problem, he had been almost neurotic about that issue. If Yoonjae, the very person who had created the hole in his control, hadn’t been his beloved flesh and blood, he would have grabbed her and thrashed her long ago. Of course, even if he wouldn’t thrash her, he thought he needed to weaken Yoonjae’s power a bit. Department Head Koo would soon have a new job to do.

Come to think of it, he wondered if he had been giving Department Head Koo too many fun tasks lately. When he threw him a puzzle to solve a while ago, he got excited and devoted himself to it for several days, then reported via text on a weekend morning. That completed puzzle was so absurd that he almost got very angry at the kid, but just then, he saw the hospital appointment reminder text message that followed and forced himself to hold back.

“I didn’t even scold you, why are you crying so much?”

Even at Jungyoon’s low rebuke, Jaeri didn’t know how to stop crying. It seemed he couldn’t control it at will. Then, he suddenly lifted his head and spoke with eyes full of tears.

“Hyung, I want to sleep in your room today.”

“…One thing after another.”

Jungyoon’s eyes narrowed.

“Hyung…”

“Fine, I get it. Bring Kim Yoonjae’s card and come in.”

Jungyoon thought that although Jaeri was shedding tears from both eyes, it was a somewhat physiological phenomenon, and that his mind seemed sufficiently calm, so he got up first and went to his room.

The brothers are lying side by side on the wide bed, wearing pajamas of the same design. The larger person was lying straight on his back with his eyes closed, and the smaller body was lying on its side, looking at him.

Jaeri found this situation so very cozy. Whenever he was next to his hyung, it felt like his weight, which pressed down on him, was stably enveloping the anxiously fluttering him. That was why he liked just smelling his scent, which reminded him of him, but not only did the cozy bedding carry his scent, he himself, the real thing, was lying right next to him.

“Hyung, are you sleeping?”

“No.”

“Your bed is really nice, hyung.”

“Yours is the same.”

“Yes…”

Jungyoon’s voice before falling asleep was lower and more languid than usual. Jaeri wanted to hear that voice more, so he decided to make as much small talk as possible.

“…But hyung, is noona, is she the type to worry a lot?”

“Yoonjae? Not really.”

“Noona was a little strange today. Suddenly, she said she hadn’t been paying attention to me… I said I was okay, but she was like that. It felt. A little strange.”

Jaeri’s words were missing context from beginning to end, but Jungyoon understood.

“It makes sense for Yoonjae to think that way.”

“Yes? Why?”

“Most people are like that.”

“Yes… What does that mean? I don’t really get it.”

“It means you and I are not ordinary.”

“…Um…”

“It’s no big deal, so don’t worry about it.”

“Okay.”

Jungyoon closed his eyes again and tried to fall asleep.

“When do you think noona will get married?”

“…Why.”

“I like Huijeon hyung. I hope Huijeon hyung becomes family.”

“Okay.”

“But, how can a person get hit and have their leg broken?”

“Can’t you sleep?”

“No…”

“Don’t use your head too much, you won’t be able to sleep. Count sheep in your head from now on. Start.”

Jungyoon succeeded in shutting Jaeri’s mouth.

He didn’t know how much time had passed, but anyway, even after counting as many sheep as he could, Jaeri couldn’t fall asleep.

“…Hyung, I counted a lot of sheep but I’m not sleepy. Are you asleep, hyung?”

Jungyoon was quiet.

“Are you really sleeping?”

Jaeri went over to Jungyoon’s side and touched his nose. When there was no movement, he half-rose and pulled his sideburn. Jungyoon was still quiet. He put his head on his chest. His heartbeat was steady. As he listened to that regular sound for a while, he felt a little sleepy.

Jaeri lifted his head from his chest again, crawled up a little, and looked down at his face for a long time.

Mwah.

He kissed his lips and shivered as his heart pounded. Then, he placed a hand on his chest. The beat was still steady. Jaeri thought for a moment, then lowered himself again.

Mwah.

He gave him a peck and also touched Jungyoon’s lower lip with his tongue. He stayed still for a moment, trying to remember precisely the slightly rough and warm texture of the lip he felt at the tip of his tongue. This time, his heart felt like it would burst. Jaeri tried to exhale a large breath quietly in small increments and moved away from Jungyoon. He shouldn’t get any greedier. For a while, Jaeri leaned his back against the headboard and kept recalling the texture of that lip. Then he flinched at the chill on his back and got under the cozy and warm covers.

He turned his body toward Jungyoon, intending to watch him as he fell asleep. Then, little by little, he moved closer to him. He got close enough that it felt like his hyung’s breath was reaching him. Jaeri closed his eyes, feeling like he was in a dream.

He had drifted into a light sleep, and it seemed he heard a chuckle from beside his head. Something heavy, warm, and solid wrapped around his shoulders from somewhere. He felt restrained. That feeling was peaceful.

Jaeri held a hand mirror and looked at his back in the full-length mirror in the bathroom. The thick scab had dissolved into light, bloody water during his shower, significantly reducing its volume. Still, the existence of the wound, which had been deliberately crushed into an unnatural shape, was distinct.

Jaeri tried to look at the wound in more detail. The long wound running along the shape of his spine did not look ugly.

His hyung had said it would scar, so it would remain on his back. He hadn’t even treated the injury. It might heal, but he was going to let it scar.

Jaeri gasped with an inexplicable sense of being moved. He had, on his body, left, a mark.

He had once thought about getting a tattoo of something that symbolized his hyung. What kind of design would symbolize him, would it be lettering after all? He kept thinking about it, then stopped when he realized his hyung would never allow a tattoo. Still, the time spent in meaningless fantasy, choosing a shape to remember on his body, was always an enjoyable topic.

Like that, he had only fantasized about it, but he had never imagined he would get a chance like this to leave a mark on his body that symbolized him.

He really couldn’t understand it. Was it because they were brothers? Sometimes Jungyoon, as if he knew everything deep inside Jaeri’s heart, would grant his wishes without him even saying a word.

While eating breakfast this morning, he had suddenly said.

‘Jeremy.’

He was so surprised he couldn’t speak for a moment. Like caressing each page of old stationery, a certain warm longing rustled in his heart. But in the end, those pages did not remain in his hand, and they brushed past quickly, making shallow cuts on his skin. Beautiful memories that can never return are sometimes painful.

‘…Yes, hyung.’

‘You like being called that.’

‘…Yes. How did you know?’

Jaeri asked with a smile, but he looked somehow sad as he said.

‘…Eat a lot, you’re still far from gaining 2kg, right?’

‘Yes, I’ll eat a lot.’

“It hurts, but…”

Of all places, it was on his back, so it hurt every time he stretched his body. If he stretched out fully, it felt like the wound, hardened into a scab, would open again and bleed, so he had to stay tense all the time. It was more of a stinging sensation than a major pain, but that gave it more of a presence.

His hyung told him to remember. I’ll leave a scar, so, Jaeri, remember.